


'I'm not a Mage'

by Kemvee



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cullen Smut, Daddy!Cullen, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Loss of Virginity, Magic but not as Thedas knows it, Plot Twists, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Table Sex, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-01-27 18:42:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 105,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21396871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kemvee/pseuds/Kemvee
Summary: 'I'm not a Mage' she protested throwing the card up into the air. Before his eyes it transformed into a dove and flew off towards the Chantry. The crowd clapped at her spectacular display and at once began throwing coins into the hat she had set out.‘But you are performing magic?’ Cullen questioned, a little in awe, a little fearful.‘I’m a Magician’ she smirked, wiggling her fingers for dramatic effect.--When Cullen’s childhood friend arrives in Kirkwall he is shocked to find she has changed almost beyond recognition.A story about falling in love, sprinkled with surprises and just a little bit of magic.--Just looking for some nsfw fun? Check out the chapter's marked with a *
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Original Character(s), Cullen Rutherford/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 549
Kudos: 238





	1. The Promise

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again!  
I have had this story in my mind almost as long as Though You Fool Your Soul.  
It will start off mired in angst but i promise you there will be excessive fluff. It will be worth the wait!
> 
> Please do leave comments I love reading your thoughts  
That said, on with the show!  
xxx

_Cullen POV_

_Do you remember when we were children? The summers were long, our feelings were simple. Even our Dreams were innocent. They are some of my favorite memories. It was such a happy time._

******

_Thwack-thwack_

Cullen took a deep breath of the humid air and repeated his attack.

_Thwack-thwack-whack_

This summer was proving to be one of the warmest he could remember in his twelve years and he paused to once again catch his breath, huffing when familiar hands covered his eyes.

‘Bonjour ma petite-copine’ a lilting childish voice spoke into his ear.

‘Kat!’ He grumbled, he’d never know how she always managed to sneak up on him the way she did.

‘Why are you speaking like that?’ Cullen stepped away from the hidden assailant and continued swinging his wooden practice sword with intent, the exposed posts at the end of the little jetty proving to be a perfect dummy for his self-imposed training.

‘Because I need to practice my Orlesian and dancing at every opportunity so I don’t get rusty, it’s just the same as you with your drills.’ She stuck her tongue out at him, her olive-green eyes twinkling with mischief as she stepped back to watch his swipes and parries.

He scoffed ‘That’s stupid, I’m doing this for my future. Your Mother is the only Orlesian for miles around’ he swept his sword in a wide arc, gesturing to the entirety of the Fereldan countryside about them.

‘I know, but it makes her happy’ she spoke in that quiet tone reserved for discussing her Mother before forcing her cheerfulness once more. ‘Plus it will help me marry well. Although Father is only the Mayor he thinks I might be able to be able to secure a match with a Knight or even a Baronet someday.’

A large gust of wind whipped up the air around them, Katherine’s paisley dress billowing comically while she shrieked. Her long loose ponytail all but flying free of its fastenings and Cullen couldn’t help but give a boyish chuckle as she sought to tame her long chestnut waves and unruly clothes.

‘Is that the same reason you keep your hair so long?’

She scowled at him while wrangling her tresses back into some order ‘no, not everything is for my future husband you know. I like my hair long, it’s pretty.’

‘And do you want to be married to some stuffy old man?’

‘Not really’ she tucked the last loose lock of her long reddish-brown hair behind her ear, the action distracting Cullen and he missed the chipped post completely, drawing a laugh from Katherine as his footwork faltered.

He scuffed at the moss covered plank beneath his boot; he’d been trying to get the courage to speak to her for some time about her future plans, now seemed a good a time as any.

Puffing his chest up, and pretending to be not at all interested in her actual answer he began. ‘Kat, when I become a Templar then, do you think… maybe your Father would let me marry you?’

She seemed to put some thought into her answer ‘Hmm, you would be a Knight so I suppose so.’

Cullen rubbed his neck as she offered him one of her radiant smiles; it was stupid for him to feel so embarrassed. ‘Well, good,’ he started swinging his sword once more ‘all the more reason to train hard then.’

He hoped she hadn’t noticed the flush on his cheeks. They had been best friends for as long as he could remember and often played house, being teased relentlessly by the older children in the village because of it. His elder sister was of course included in their ranks and was often the chief perpetrator. But recently Cullen had begun to feel something a little more than friendship towards her and with him going away… _what did the adults say?_ He had to get his affairs in order.

‘Yes, and when you are a Knight I will be your Lady and dance and sing for you every day.’

As if to illustrate her point she began prancing up and down the small pier, singing the Orlesian lullaby he had heard from her so many times before.

_‘Quand il me prend dans ses bras_  
Il me parle tout bas  
Je vois la vie en rose’

‘Why don’t you go and practice with Annie?’ He complained, but it lacked his usual annoyance.

‘For the same reason you don’t go and practice with Rosalie’ she replied sweetly before continuing on with the next verse.

Their younger sisters had been born on the same day, and as she had alluded to, six year olds did not make the best study partners. Although he envied Kat in that at least she only had the one sibling to contend with as opposed to his three.

Still he knew he would miss them when he left for Templar training in the next two months, just after his thirteenth name day. He was going to miss everyone, Katherine most of all. And although she had been adamant about him following his dreams, as the date for his departure approached he began to regret being so eager to leave everyone he knew and loved.

_‘Il me dit des mots d'amour-‘_

‘Must you sing in Orlesian?’ he snapped.

She clicked her tongue ‘fine, grumpy-puss. I hope you won’t be so cross when we are married’ she teased. Still it was a victory as she continued on in common.

_‘When you kiss me heaven sighs_

_And though I close my eyes_

_I see La Vie En Rose’_

He supposed he could allow the last line to be sung in Orlesian.

Still, as a proud Fereldan Cullen knew he already hated Orlais. It was a silly pompous country where they wore masks all the time, _even in bed!_ Or so he had been told. He hated Orlesian’s too, except for Katherine’s mother. She was always kind and generous to the poor in the township; apparently she had left behind a life of luxury to marry her husband for love, it had made her somewhat of a folk hero among the local population. People loved a romantic story. Plus her uncertain health meant that she was often housebound for long periods and so had been able to perfect the art of baking cookies, much to the delight of Cullen and his siblings who were always welcome in their home.

He hated the Orlesian language too, apart from the song Kat was currently reciting. It was almost as familiar to him as the Chant of light, not that he would ever admit it to the local Chantry mother.

_‘Give your heart and soul to me_

_And life will always be_

_La Vie En Rose’_

The wooden boards creaked under their combined weight as she practiced her somewhat informal ballet. ‘Can you stop jiggling about, it’s annoying’ he huffed after being disturbed from his self-reflection.

She ‘hmphed’ and put her hand on her narrow hip, mirroring a posture she had seen Mia give recently. Her look of annoyance transformed into one of mischief ‘only if you can tag me!’

She gave a playful giggle and spun on her heel, her long hair flying out behind her as she sprinted off away from him. Cullen felt the grin on his face and discarded his wooden sword in exchange for a long bull-rush reed which he tugged from the boggy perimeter of the small lake.

Their own version of ‘Tag’ was a game they had played hundreds of times before. Katherine had invented it when he first decided he wanted to become a Templar at the tender age of eight.

Cullen would use his best form learned from his years of watching the local Templars train to try and strike at Katherine while she danced away from him and dodged his attacks.

They were evenly matched, running and laughing as they completed multiple circuits of their hidden pond.

They fell onto the grass to rest for a while, chatting away as the light started to fade. Finally they heard the Chantry bell toll seven times in the distance and stood to make their way back to the village.

‘When would you become a full Templar?’ She asked as the looming stone Golem situated on the central green came into sight.

‘When I take my vigil on my eighteenth birthday’ he replied confidently, he had already memorized the milestones he would need to reach to achieve his ultimate goal.

‘So I’ll be sixteen and a half. Yes I think I can wait that long, once you have completed your training you can come back and ask my Father for my hand’ she said assuredly as they approached her door. The messenger pigeons that were part and parcel of her Father’s Mayor-ship cooing as their favorite person neared and slipped a few sprinklings of seeds into the cages.

‘Ok, it’s a promise’ Cullen stooped and picked out a long blade of grass from the ground. He took hold of her left hand, ignoring her confused expression and wrapped the foliage a few times around her ring finger before tying the two ends in a knot. Katherine’s cheeks blushed red at the gesture, after Cullen released her hand she studied the little grass band with a look of pleasant surprise.

She cleared her throat ‘Well then, goodnight Cullen’ she leaned up and kissed his cheek before heading inside her home.

Cullen headed back to his own home, trying to ignore the tingly feeling her lips had left behind.

* * *

He was leaving tomorrow and so of course his family had decided throw him a small going away party. All his friends and local relations had been invited and his mother had cooked his favorite Druffalo and stuffing pie. So far he had had three slices washed down with several glasses of a Lemon Shandy they had prepared especially for the children.

Still with all the bustle and well-wishers Cullen’s love of calm and quiet was under severe threat and so after a toast to his safe travels he snuck away. His peace didn’t last long however when Katherine strode up to join him under the large Oak he had sought refuge.

‘I’ve changed my mind, I want to go with you!’ she said resolutely, pulling off the Lavender and Elderflower crown she had been wearing.

Cullen laughed and shook his head ‘Kat, You will be sixteen before you know it, plus you are far too scrawny to be a Templar’ he playfully pushed her shoulder making her stumble back a few steps.

‘Arse’ she complained while coming to stand back at his side, rubbing her arms in an effort to keep warm.

‘I’ll never know how a little Lady like you learned so many curse words’ he teased but she just rolled her mossy eyes.

A companionable silence rose between them, neither feeling the need to interrupt their stolen moment of peace with small talk. It was another reason he preferred her company over that of his siblings, another reason he was going to miss her.

Her arms brushed against his once she released them from her self-hug and he took the chance to discreetly take hold of her free hand. She didn’t pull away and so, after looking about himself to make sure none of his siblings or parents were trying to sneak up on them; he shuffled a little closer towards her. Their joined hands now sandwiched between them along with her discarded flowers.

‘Are you going to live in the Circle?’ She asked quietly, her earlier ire having receded quickly.

‘Yes once I’ve passed my training.’

She looked thoughtful ‘What about if I become a mage then?’ She turned to look at him, her pretty face full of hope.

Cullen smiled at her determination ‘Yeah that could work. Although I don’t think you can choose to become a mage.’

He was leaving tomorrow and so feeling emboldened Cullen pulled her forwards into a hug, releasing her hands in order to wrap his arms around her.

‘But if you were a mage you could live in the Circle too, and that way I could always protect you.’ He felt his nerves recede as she relaxed into his hug, resting her head onto his shoulder.

‘I don’t need protecting’ she complained, but there was no ill will in her words.

‘I know, but I should like to all the same’ her head rose and she looked intently into his eyes; he saw just how scarlet her own cheeks had become at his fumbling attempt at a confession and just how closely he was hugging her.

‘Oh, I – yes that would be nice. Plus it would be incredible to be able to do magic’ she tripped over her words while trying to shrug off her own embarrassment, her eyes dipping.

_It’s now or never_ ‘Kat?’

‘Yes Cullen’ her eyes flicked up once more, full of uncertainty.

‘I, want to…erm’ he stammered before decidedly pressing his lips to hers in a chaste, sweet kiss.

It only lasted a few seconds before they both parted. He knew he was smirking and was pleased to see a shy smile on her face.

His hand rubbed at the back of his neck ‘that was, um, really nice’ he said feebly.

‘Yes’ she agreed, her smile widening as she failed to mask her rising delight.

‘Could I kiss you again?’ he really was very impressed with his self-confidence tonight.

‘That would be lovely’ she said and Cullen leaned forward once more.

_‘Cullen and Katherine sitting in a tree…’_

A familiar voice echoed up from the house, the sing-song rhyme filtering out into the night and the couple jumped apart at the intrusion.

_‘K.I.S.S.I –‘_

‘MIA!’ he shouted at his sister’s untimely interruption while Katherine slumped to the ground, trying to hide from her embarrassment by holding her flower crown over her face.

Cullen heard his sister’s peal of laughter carry over the otherwise silent night and swore violent revenge upon her.

Once he was certain the interloper had retreated he sat down beside Katherine ‘Your sister will never let us live this down will she?’ she groaned even if her eyes sparkled with amusement.

‘Not likely’

She gave an exasperated laugh and Cullen joined in, threading their hands together once more.

‘I don’t think I’ll be able to come to see you depart tomorrow, I hope you don’t mind’ she squeezed his hand in apology.

He looked at her, surprised ‘Why?’

‘Because you silly oaf. I’ll cry. And a Lady should never be seen to cry in public.’

That saddened him a little, but he supposed nothing could be better than the kiss, his first kiss, that he had just stolen from her.

‘I understand. I don’t much want you to see me cry either; it will ruin my stoic-Knightly reputation’ he said in understanding. She giggled and their conversation carried on as normal. She asked him about the minutiae of his travel plans, what he was most looking forward to and when he was likely to get leave to visit home.

Eventually his Father called them back to the house and they parted with a small hug. Katherine’s eyes shining as she fought back her tears.

‘You will remember me won’t you Cullen?’

‘I promise, my Lady.’


	2. The Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, this is the start of several angsty chapters. But I promise you the fluff will be worth the wait xxx

_Katherine POV_

_It was a happy time. A time before death and disappointment before I first felt the sting of abandonment and sorrow._

******

Katherine sat up by their little lake and hastily tore open the envelope. It was his first time of writing to her since his departure. He’d only been gone a few months but already she missed him so much more than she had anticipated. She had tried her best to keep busy, helping her Mother and Father with their duties in the town. Teaching Annie how to read more advanced books and taking a decided interest in baking, much to the delight of the remaining Rutherford siblings who were her constant guinea pigs.

She had kept her promise to herself not to cry in public, even if some nights she still sniffled silently into her pillow. _It’s natural to feel sad at losing one’s best friend_; She reminded herself and pushing aside her melancholy she finally studied her letter. The familiar handwriting alone was already enough to bring a smile to her face.

_Kat,_

_Thank you for your letter, I’m glad you are doing well._

_I have so much I want to tell you, I don’t know where to start._

_The Templar academy is enormous, much bigger than Honnoleath. There are so many people here all at various stages of training, their swords and armor are so cool. I won’t get a full set of Silverite till I take my vigil so for now I’ve just got a simple steel breast plate but it’s still so shiny, I wish you could see it._

_I sleep in the junior barracks with all the other recruits aged up to fifteen, it’s very noisy on a night, such a change from sharing a room with only Branson. How is he? The night of the party Mia had already told everyone we kissed and he seemed very jealous. I can’t say I’m sorry even if he did sulk about it._

_At the moment I spend a lot of my free time studying to try and catch up to my peers, foundlings and the minor nobles or third sons who have been promised to the order their whole lives. It’s a lot to take in but my instructors say I’m showing real promise especially in my physical training (I think I should thank you for that) and are certain if I keep focused I will become an excellent Templar one day._

_How are your own studies going? If you want to practice writing out your Orlesian I won’t mind trying to translate it (all of the Original Chantry texts are in Orlesian so I have started taking lessons in it myself, your Mother would be so proud)_

_I must go, my next lesson starts soon. I will try to stick to our agreement and write to you every three months._

_Give my best to your family._

_Yours,_

_Knight-Recruit Cullen Rutherford_

She read the letter three times over, committing each line to memory before neatly refolding the parchment and tucking it safely into its envelope. She clutched it to her chest this little piece of paper was now her most prized possession and it wouldn’t do for it to be getting dirty.

Still, such a lovely letter deserved a swift reply and so she set back out for home at once. She would ask her Mother if she could send some cookies over too, her latest batch had turned out very well.

* * *

_Cullen,_

_How is your training going? It’s been a while since your last letter so I’m sure you have lot’s to tell me. Are you still practicing your Orlesian? If so… Tu me manques chaque seconde, chaque jour. _

_I’ve been trying really hard to set fire to things or freeze over the water in the animal’s trough but I’m not having much luck yet. I wonder when I’m supposed to come into my magic? I’m thirteen next week so it can’t be too much longer. Annie tries to help too, she has found me a nice stick which I am using as a makeshift staff._

_My practice is at least proving a pleasant distraction from home, my mother is ill again, but forgive me I won’t worry you with the details. I think Branson has finally gotten over his little crush on me; he seems quite sweet on the Blacksmith’s Daughter (Ellie) and has started shadowing her papa to try and impress him. Mia still pretends she isn’t interested in boys but I see her ogling the few guardsmen that come through, mark my words you will probably receive a wedding invite before long._

_I suppose you will have to come home to be a groomsman, I’ll look forward to that. I always wondered how you would look in formal clothes._

_Take care of yourself Cullen._

_Yours always,_

_Kat_

_p.s I have included a dried sprig of Elderflower. I can only imagine how smelly a dormitory filled with boys is so at least you will have something sweet smelling to remind you of home <strike>and me</strike>._

* * *

_Katherine,_

_Sorry for the late reply, how was your birthday? You will be 14 now I think. Training is very busy as I’m sure you can imagine, but forgive me this is probably quite boring for you to hear._

_A few of the older recruits have taken me under their wing and we are going into the city today to celebrate their completed vigils at the town’s Tavern. I quite enjoy it although I do seem to get a lot of attention when I go; the local girls are always teasing me about my curls and height, at least I think they are teasing._

_Another two years and I shall be able celebrate in a similar fashion when I finally achieve my dream._

_Regards_

_Cullen_

As was her little ritual Katherine neatly folded the letter and tucked it with the few others he had sent her. It was by far his shortest correspondence and the tone and content gave her unease, she didn’t think she would be re-reading over the note anytime soon.

Looking through her little tin which she stored her treasures in she noted the date of his last response, _a year…_ had it really been over a year since he had taken the time to write to her.

She didn’t want to feel bitter or envious; he was working towards his dream just as she was. Although it was clear she was never going to be a mage she had to take comfort in her other accomplishments. Her Orlesian was flawless, she could dance and sing as well as any minstrel that passed through the town, her manners were impeccable and she had had more than one compliment at the last solstice that she was blooming into a beautiful young lady. She didn’t think so herself, her hair didn’t have the brilliance of her Mothers or Sisters, her nose was too big, she had one too many beauty marks and was too tanned from all her time spent outside to be considered a true beauty.

But she didn’t care about any of that at all, not really. It was all just the trimmings around what was her ultimate hearts-desire. _I never wanted to be a Lady, I wanted to be his Lady_ she thought bitterly.

She heard Annie and Rosalie giggling under her window and gave a fleeting smile at the happy noise. She had just shown them both how to string daisies together to make a chain and they were currently scouring the gardens in an effort to make one long enough to drape of the town’s odd central statue. Cullen and she had done the same when they were that age, the thought made her sigh wistfully.

Pushing aside her disappointment she dutifully took up her pen and parchment. Forcing a cheerful reply proved difficult. But she managed, just as she had every other time.

Although this time, to show her displeasure, she didn’t bother sending him any cookies.

* * *

_Cullen,_

_I hope this letter finds you well._

_Please forgive the shoddy penmanship, in truth I am writing to you today in very low spirits._

_My Mother passed away last month and I find I am struggling with the pain of it, and yearning for happier times past and happier ones to come._

_Things here are hard. Annie doesn’t understand why we couldn’t do more to save Mother and has thrown herself into studying Herbology and nursing. She has become so serious all of a sudden, much too severe for a nine year old, I hardly recognize her._

_My Father has surrendered up his Mayor-ship and spends his days praying in the Chantry for Mothers soul. It’s like he has just given up on living, abandoning us and leaving me and Annie to fend for ourselves. I feel awful complaining; it’s not fair of me. I can’t imagine his heartbreak; <strike>at least I still have you and our future to look forward to.</strike>_

_Your parents have been teaching me how to tend the land around our house and provide us with their extra eggs and spare milk so we aren’t going hungry. But it’s difficult, part of me wishes now I had spent my time learning useful skills instead of those of a Lady. I find I don’t have the heart to perform on an empty stomach._

_I know you are busy doing the Maker’s work but I really need to hear from you, I hope you find time to reply. _

_ <strike>I am still yours aren’t I?</strike> _

_Yours always_

_Katherine_

_p.s Or if you are too busy to write to me directly perhaps include a line for me when you next write to your own parents. Even a word would be a comfort._

She set her pen down and re-read over the letter. The ink had blotted in places where her tears had landed. Her cursive was scrawling and not at all as neat as it should be. She had redacted some of her more forward sentiments or pressing questions, just because he had been a little uncommunicative didn’t mean she should doubt him. And now, when a real tragedy had befallen her she was certain he would find the time to comfort her. Although not his own Mother he had always been close with hers, he may even use the bereavement as a chance to visit. His family would love that, they all missed him terribly.

She sealed and kissed the envelope. She wouldn’t misuse the town’s pigeons entrusted to her care but she did choose to send the letter by express, a response couldn’t come soon enough.

* * *

_Kat,_

_I took my vigil a couple of months ago I am now a full member of the Templar order and have moved into the Circle at Lake Calenhad. It’s my dream come true._

_Speaking of dreams, I’m sure by now you had already realized how foolish our ideas were as children. The idea of me swooping in after you had turned sixteen to be married; surely you must laugh about the childish notion. _

_And, the truth is I think I’m in love with someone. I know you will be happy for me; you were always the most supportive person I knew. _

_Your friend_

_CR_

Katherine threw the letter onto the small fire in their otherwise dark living room.

The words were expected, but it didn’t stop them from hurting any less. Cullen’s lack of communication or even of condolence over the past five years had been far more eloquent than he could have anticipated.

But still, as she watched the words glow orange and then disintegrate into ash she couldn’t help but feel her own wants and desires burning along with those broken promises. The last sliver of hope she had held on to despite his growing distance, despite his hollow sentiments, was now falling away. Feeling her heart harden she quickly strode into her shared room; Annie was sleeping so she was quiet when she withdrew her small tin of precious correspondence, _false treasures_ she though angrily.

Her hand shook as she pried open the lid, seeing the evidence of her love in all its entirety, _so few letters…_

She carefully removed and unfolded the smallest scrap of paper. A dried out narrow loop of grass fell into her palm, it didn’t even fit over her ring finger anymore. She knew. She had tried it on more often than she could count till it became too fragile to warrant the frequent handling. Dropping the grass back into the tin she stood back before the fire and upturned the scant contents out and over the embers. The parchment caught quickly and within ten seconds there was no longer any evidence of her doomed dreams.

She stared at the remnants for a little while. Katherine never let herself cry in public, but in the late hours, alone as she was; she had no reason to hide the tears and loud fractured sobs which poured forth.

She stayed by the dimming flames, unmoving, till her fatigue caught up with her. She decided to not douse the fire, just in case her Father came home, although he rarely did.


	3. The Blight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *testing microphone* we are still in the angst people. Hang on in there xxx
> 
> TW: Horror, character death (off screen)

_Katherine POV_

_When we were young we used to play War Games, afternoons spent reveling in the glamour of Heroes and Villains, of Knights and Damsels. No more, not now we both know what true war is like. Not now I’ve lost everything again. _

******

The first sign that trouble was coming was when a band of Chasind refugees passed through the village. Traders from the Koccari wilds, although uncommon weren’t a wholly unusual occurrence. But these weren’t traders who traipsed through their small town; these were the women, children and elderly, those who rarely left their homesteads even during the most trying of winters. The Chasind were hardy people and used to living a lean life, but their current hardships were evident on their tired faces and carried in hushed whispers, _Maker but the details of the horrors that have encroached upon the wilds. _

The folk made a small camp on the far side of the village with a promise of moving on after an evening’s rest. Katherine watched sad procession feeling subdued. Their parents had always teased her generation that they didn’t know true hardship, having been born after the Orlesian occupation was over. So now, seeing destitution and displacement for the first time, she felt the distress of the refugees acutely.

Her empathetic nature rallied her into action and at once she took stock of what she could do to help. Their Father had long since abandoned any kind of responsibility in that regard, he rarely spoke unless it was the Chant of Light.

_My mother might be dead_ she thought gloomily _but she wouldn’t want me to shrink from my duties as a Mayors daughter and a Lady. _Kat would always try to consider herself as such to honor her mother’s memory, although she no longer practiced her pleasing arts and she had long abandoned wearing her pretty paisley dresses in favor of leggings and over-sized shirts. Annie still wore all her old gowns, but men’s clothes were cheaper and easier to repair, the soft muslins and embroidered collars of her childhood now just another of her rose tinted memories.

Pushing aside her own negative thoughts in the presence of those who knew true suffering she rolled up her smock sleeves and set to work. She was an awful cook, but she could bake and so she did, spending half the day, preparing bundles of rye loaves to hand out to the weary travelers before they continued on with their journey. Annie provided the refugees with whatever medicinal herbs she could spare and Katherine made sure that the children each got a sweet bun.

* * *

The second sign of their impending ruin was when the King Maric’s men came through the village. They were raising a grand army to fight back the horde; it was to be a magnificent battle with victory all but assured with the famous Grey Wardens as their allies.

Most of the young men joined the ranks at once eager for glory and gold. Several of the skilled traders joined the fighting force too; the town’s healer and Blacksmith were eagerly welcomed, the latter leaving Branson as his short term replacement.

The recruiting officers began to ask around town for the levies that should have been raised in times of war, their inquiries lead them to Katherine and she in turn told them where her Father was.

The leading Knight came back out of the Chantry after an interview of only a minute at most, he shook his head and then they were gone.

Although most of the able bodied men were on their way to Ostagar Mia’s Father had decided to remain behind. He had been a very young man during the Orlesian revolt and although a farmer at heart he still possessed a small amount of skill and experience with weaponry. And so he began to teach the eldest children, Katherine included, just as a precaution. He said it was more to deter any bandits who may see the town as defenseless now there were mainly just juveniles and the elderly left behind.

_Swish swish_

‘This is easy!’ Branson boasted during the middle of their first lesson ‘Don’t know why Cul made such a big deal of practicing every day.’

‘Anyone can swipe a sword without skill’ Kat spoke up to defend his elder brother out of habit rather than feeling. Branson and Mia had both been supporters of Cullen joining the Templars, but as the years had rolled by Katherine wasn’t the only one who had stopped receiving letters. For the most part she had stopped even mentioning him in a bid to try and stem her bitterly disappointed feelings which rose every-time she heard his name. Mia and his parents were the only ones who spoke about him now with any kind of warmth or regard, the only ones who still wrote to him.

‘Speak for yourself!’ Branson teased as Katherine dropped the heavy weapon on to her foot. A string of curses, not at all becoming of her Lady’s education flying from her as she hopped around. The other assembled trainees all laughed, even Papa Rutherford giving a hidden chuckle behind his hand.

‘Back to work Branson, don’t give up Katie’ he eventually said once the laughter had quieted.

Katherine tried again, but although she had been working her family’s small plot of land hard the past three years, she was never going to be especially strong. The following day she tried the bow but similarly found she couldn’t hold the draw for long enough, or retract it far enough to make any progress in the target practice.

‘Gah! It’s hopeless’ she sulked by the end of the third day after failing to master the Halberd.

‘It’s not hopeless; we just have to find the right weapon for you’ the burly farmer tried to comfort her, but she still went to bed that evening feeling dejected.

On the fourth day she was presented with a pair of small rusty daggers. Papa Rutherford explained that they hadn’t been used in a decade and she would need to get them sharpened as soon as possible, but maybe they would suit her.

‘I was never a rogue myself, but I remember talking to Scouts in Loghain’s rebel army, they said to wield daggers was akin to dancing. You used to dance all the time, so try to remember that’ he gave her an encouraging smile and stepped back.

Kat took a steadying breath, trying to ignore the surreptitious glances from the other students. _Dancing, dancing? What type? I don’t think a Waltz, certainly not a Ceildh hmm…_ She thought of the fast and fiery Antivan dances, _maybe something like a Tango_ she began to quietly hum a rhythm audible to her ears only.

She circled, the daggers light in her hands, her arms already moving to the beat _Ta Ta Taa, tata_.

As she started to attack the propped up hay bale that was acting as a makeshift dummy Katherine felt something click. Her long years of prancing about and natural agility were definitely paying off as she began to move efficiently and decisively, striking with a rapid one-two rhythm.

‘Kill the straw bastard!’ Mia shouted, urging her on, her face cracking into a grin at the heckling.

She quickly sidestepped around the dummy, grazing it with shallow cuts from top to base, the song in her mind speeding up and driving her to attack faster, harder. The other teenagers whooped in encouragement as she continued her assault. She spun, swiped and rolled, strands of straw flying up into the air with each stab and slash. _This was working! _She wanted a last dramatic flourish for her audience, she could visualize herself vaulting over the bale, spinning in mid-air and sinking both daggers firmly into the top of target. It would be spectacular!

In reality just as she was about to enact her finale her ankle twisted on a stray pebble and she fell, possibly equally dramatically, onto the flat of her back.

Her panting was the only noise in the prevailing silence as her song ended, the stray bits of straw and dried grass finally settling around her.

_Well, I’m not a combat prodigy_. Despite her newest humiliation Katherine couldn’t help but beam with pride as her friends all clapped and hollered praise for her efforts. And, not forgetting her manners, she gave a very pristine curtsy in return; pleased she had been able to entertain them at least.

Mia came and gave her a hug, Branson patted her on the back and for the first time in _months_ she laughed.

With a few more weeks of practice she knew that should it ever be needed she could defend herself. So she smiled as her feeling of helplessness receded, just a little.

* * *

News of Ostagar soon eradicated any feeling of confidence or hope that the Blight was to be short lived. The King had been betrayed by his general, abandoned to the Darkspawn when the Cavalry should have charged. Although a minority claimed Loghain’s actions were just, those who shared that opinion quickly learned to keep it to themselves and a prevailing sense of unease at the actions of the ruling classes swelled among those displaced. In fighting and assassinations kept the Lord’s focused on themselves and not on the common-population whom they were sworn to protect. What was more was that the man who was now King-Maker had banished all Grey Wardens from Fereldan’s borders.

The rumors coming from the now masses of refugees were horrifying, all hope seemed lost.

‘It’s madness’ she overheard a conversation from some new fleeing folk who were stopping by on their way to South Reach.

‘What of the Chantry? Couldn’t they defend us, perhaps send in the Orlesian Wardens or Templars to keep the creatures at bay?’

‘Loghain would never allow Orlesian’s into Fereldan and the Chantry cares nothing for our physical bodies, well unless you’re a Mage.’

‘Aye true, what I wouldn’t give to be a Mage now safely locked away in that island tower. The Darkspawn won’t be getting in there’

_Cullen and his love will be safe then. S_he supposed she should be grateful of the fact but instead felt regret that she never did manifest any magic. _Maybe if I was there he wouldn’t have strayed… no he never cared for me that way at all it was just a pretty lie, a false promise._

* * *

The town of Honnleath got no third warning. A month after Ostagar, the horde reached their borders.

Katherine had been sleeping lightly when she heard the alarm horn. She roused Annie at once, charging her with collecting their ready-made packs and then to make her way over to the Rutherford’s as a precaution.

This wasn’t the first time the alarm had sounded; usually it was a stray Genlock that had gotten lost in its bid to follow the Archdemon’s calling. Such lone creatures were quickly dispatched by an archer before they got too close.

Still, it was the towns agreed upon routine that someone would check in with the sentries. Being one of the more agile of the towns remaining habitants Katherine sped over to their post around a short distance outside the town, her long braid flying behind her.

She heard a muffled scream before she reached her destination, her blood running cold as she slowed to a stop right where the scouts should have been posted. She panted to catch her breath as she looked about, her eyes straining to see much of anything in the darkness. There was another scream, this time accompanied by a man’s shout. Kat edged towards the tree line, withdrawing her daggers on instinct and treading quietly.

She remembered that it was a couple on duty, Sarah and Jack had been courting for six months, she hoped she wasn’t about witness their illicit coupling.

There were two torches laying on the ground, providing just enough light for Katherine to see Jack desperately fighting off a swarm of attackers while Sarah pulled her strewn dress back up around her shoulders. There were too many shadows, Kat covered her mouth to stifle a cry as she saw Jack’s body cut down and hacked to pieces where it fell.

Sarah wailed at the sight and started to flee with one of the torches. Kat readied herself, preparing to cover the retreat should her friend make it away from the horde.

But she stumbled on her loosened gown and instead of helping her get to safety Katherine instead watched with horror as a Hurlock grabbed her by her hair, cutting her flight short and used it to pull her flailing and screaming into the dark.

As the sobbing woman was dragged backwards, still waving the torch above her head in a futile attempt to escape, Kat could finally see into the inky black darkness.

There were eyes, hundreds of pairs of eyes, all reflecting light in the same eerie fashion as animals.

They were out of time. The Blight had arrived.

Katherine sprinted back to their abode, seeing Annie had already moved to the farmstead at the far side of town she didn’t hesitate to abandon her once home. She opened the animal pens as she fled, freed the birds from their cages and noticing a pair of sheers on the stable work table quickly grabbed hold of them. There was no hesitation as she cut her braid off at the nape of her neck, dropping the heavy bundle of hair to the floor without ceremony. _If I survive this, I might regret that_ she thought before bolting back into the night.

‘They’re here. Everybody run, run now!’ She shouted during her sprint. Trying her best to wake as many of the village dwellers up as possible, she didn’t have time to go door to door.

‘We need to leave at once!’ She stated as soon as she stormed her way into to the Rutherford’s homestead, panting and breathless.

‘Katie, what happened to your hair?’ Annie questioned.

‘I cut it, come on get your things we need to go.’

‘Why?’ Rosalie chimed. A dark look crossing the elder children’s faces and a cautionary shake of the head was thrown her way by Mrs Rutherford.

‘It’s not important’ she answered quickly, pushing aside the mental image of Sarah being dragged away to her miserable fate. The house was a flurry of activity as supplies were strapped to backs, bags stuffed with whatever could be easily carried and wouldn’t spoil.

‘Dad hasn’t come over from the Chantry yet. Should I go and fetch him?‘ Annie asked just as another bell rang out in warning, closer this time.

She glanced nervously from the open window towards the Chantry ‘No you stay here, I’ll go. Promise me you will stick close to Rosalie and the others alright?’

‘Alright, come back soon.’

The Chantry was deserted, even the most faithful followers having heeded the warning bells and making their escape, all but for one man kneeling up by the statue of Andraste.

Kat wasted no time, striding up to the front of the little chapel and pulling him firmly by his shoulder. It had been a couple of weeks since he had last been home, she had only seen him at the weekly main services, now standing close and touching him for the first time in years she felt how frail he had become, how wasted the muscles in his shoulder were.

‘Father, we must leave. The Darkspawn have come.’

‘..the Maker shall be my guide.’

_Please please, don’t do this_ ‘Dad, your prayers can wait, we need to go. Now’ she pleaded, trying to catch his eyes.

He heard the desperation in her voice and turned his face slowly, offering her a small sad smile. ‘Katherine’ he said quietly whilst shaking his head.

‘Don’t you dare sit here and wallow.’ She snapped, angry at his continued kneeling and lack of urgency. ‘You must come with me. Annie and I need you!’

‘You look so much like your Mother, she would have been so proud of you’ Kat bit her lip to stifle her whimper at his tone of resignation. Her eyes welling up as the man who raised her once again chose the dead over the living.

‘Daddy, please!’ she begged, her voice faltering.

‘Look after your sister’ he said with a note of finality, turning his gaze once more onto the prophetess’ visage.

Another shrill scream ripped through the silence, closer this time.

She quickly threw her arms around his shoulders, offering him one last hug before turning and fleeing_. I love you Dad_

She ran from the Chantry, her tears falling quicker than she could wipe them away.

Katherine saw Annie waiting expectantly by the Rutherford’s door, peering out into the night for any sign of her long absent parent. She would always love her father, but at that moment she cursed him for making her do this alone.

‘Katie, where’s Father?’

‘We need to go now’ she spoke calmly, ignoring her sister’s panicked question. The family were readying the farm horses in preparation for their imminent departure.

Annie grabbed her arm ‘Where is Dad?’

The lie came quickly ‘He wants to stay and fight, to give us time to escape.’

Her sisters eyes widened as the implication sunk in ‘Wh- no. NO! We can’t leave him’ she tore away from the group, breaking into a run to try and head back to the Chantry. But Katherine caught her round the waist before she could get more than a few paces. Annie shouted and kicked, both sisters crying through their struggle.

‘Let me go! Katie let me go to him!’

‘I can’t, Annie please we need to go.’ _I can’t lose you too._

Finally papa Rutherford scooped the flailing girl up into his arms. ‘Branson, help me get her up’ he said, the two men securing Annie on a horse with Mia and Rosealie.

‘NOOO DADDY!’ She cried in defeat, Mia keeping a firm hold of her young charge to prevent her trying to slide from the saddle.

Branson vaulted up onto the second animal, heavily laden with their belongings and gave Kat a hand up.

The horses were used to being made to plough so both animals snorted and stomped uncomfortably under the added weight of riders and packs. Their ears twitching as the shouts and cries from the village began to swell in volume.

‘Mia, Branson. Ride fast now, we’ll follow behind you on foot’ Papa Rutherford said at once

‘We can make room-’ Mia started to protest but was shushed by her mother.

‘We’ll be right behind you. Get your siblings to safety first.’

Their Father gave both animals a tap on their rump, and they began cantering off towards the East, away from the creeping danger.

Katherine glanced behind her and saw the glassy but determined stare of the Rutherford parents. She swallowed the lump in her throat as they armed themselves and turned to face the darkness together.

* * *

They waited for two days at the cross-roads with the other fleeing civilians.

Mia kept up a brave face for the younger children, but even she gave to despair when no more survivors trickled in from Honnleath.

Their ragged group were just another handful of many new refugees and orphans, displaced, homeless and without hope. The lay sisters did what they could, but resources were stretched so thin that to stay amongst the swell of injured, sick and elderly would have been a death sentence.

So they moved on after a few days.

Mia, wise beyond her twenty-one years cared for them all like a mother.

Branson sulked and lashed out in anger.

Annie and Rosalie cried every night.

Katherine’s heart was already hardened from her own losses and so she took it upon herself to hold the young girls when their emotions became too great. She bore the burden well, _after all a Lady never cries in public._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: if you ever find yourself in a horror film situation then do.not.bone.  
The couple that have sex are always among the first to die. 
> 
> Next time: we see what Cullen has been up to and guess what, more angst.


	4. The Tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last angst Chapter guys, you've done so well but this is the Blight and not even the circle was left unscathed.
> 
> TW: Horror and Sexual Assault, borderline Rape. Not very explicit but please take care.

_Cullen POV_

_I tried to stop thinking of you after we parted, sometimes I succeeded. But you were always there, lingering in the back of my mind. Waiting to remind me of everything I had lost. Did you ever think of me at all?_

******

Cullen had spent the morning on his kneels praying for his parents souls.

Knight-Commander Greagoir had handed him the opened letter with a grim look, a look he had seen a few times as news of the ongoing Blight filtered in from the countryside. He wasn’t the only Templar or Mage to receive such a letter.

_Cullen,_

_Around a month ago the Blight reached our town. Despite our preparations we were overrun. Mother and Father stayed behind to cover our escape, they gave our lives for us. I’m so sorry you have to find out this way brother. Know that we grieve deeply and hope you are safe from this cursed invasion._

Cullen scrubbed at his face in anguish. He knew he hadn’t been a diligent son these past years, his pride at being accepted into Templar training had blinkered his thoughts and consumed his time. The Order was everything to him and passing his vigil been his driving force, his soul reason to exist.

He had always wanted to write more, always wanted to visit home after his vigil, always remembered his childhood fondly. Now, knowing his home no longer existed he wept. A pit of self-loathing made him feel like he had abandoned them all, _perhaps if I’d been there the outcome could have been different._ He needed to apologize to them, to his siblings. He would, once the Blight would over he would apply for leave. He would find out where they were staying and help the start their life anew. There should be room in his life for duty and family.

_We have relocated to South Reach and are currently camping amongst the other refugees till we can find accommodation. Katherine and Annie managed to escape with us although they too are now Orphans; they are staying with us for the time being and helping more than we could hope._

_Kat_, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d thought about her.

He knew the last time he had written to her to end their childhood betrothal hadn’t been well received even if for Cullen himself it had been a forgone conclusion.

Enchanter Surana was beautiful and talented. Her warm umber skin and brilliant dark eyes had furnished many a daydream and unchaste evening reflection. Yet despite his rather obvious attraction and the open proposition she had made to him after her Harrowing it never went further than, and never could have become, anything more than casual flirting.

Still when Cullen wrote to Kat he was sure he had been in the early stages of a deep love, foolishly believing that she would be happy for him and provide encouragement as she had always done in all things.

Up until that point in his service even if his own correspondence had been inconsistent at best he had a new letter from Kat every three months, but after he confessed his simpering feelings in the somewhat abrupt note, her replies had stopped.

Cullen was first shocked and then increasingly disappointed when four, then five, then six months rolled by without a response. Part of him wished he had kept his council about his now long absent, long diminished infatuation, knowing the cost had been his only contact with his best friend.

For not long after he sent the letter Surana left to become a Warden, later he heard she had died at Ostagar. Cullen had been saddened at first, the Tower seemed more dull without her teasing laugh echoing through the Library. Although it had a stung a little he had been able to console himself and felt that he hadn’t experienced the heartbreak he had assumed would belong to the separation of a true love at her departure.

He could still eat, still perform his duty with care and attention and as the months rolled on he found himself cursing his own coarseness of language. He missed Kat’s enthusiastic letters and positive messages far more that Surana’s inviting smile. _Kat used to have the most radiant smile…huh perhaps I think about out her more often than I realize._

Cullen shook his head at the disquieting revelation. Surely Kat had moved on too, had had similar experiences to him? Being truthful with himself there hadn’t just been Surana that had caught his eye before now. A few of the female Templar recruits had been more than willing to help him experiment in his youth. And Cullen burned with shame as he recalled his own post vigil experience in the local town. The women who had often fawned over him had turned out to be ‘working’ girls, and the tradition of newly minted Templars being bought a complimentary hour of entertainment by their seniors was not to be refused.

It was fumbling and awkward and although no longer a virgin Cullen felt he would probably need a lot more practice before he could please a woman the way in which the older men had boasted.

He hadn’t seen Kat in over five years, never as a woman, but he was certain she would be beautiful and would have many admirers. If he had hurt her, which seemed a certainty, he knew she would find happiness again. Not that he could think of anyone who would be worthy of her.

_We know you are unable to abandon your post but please pray for our parents’ souls, they will need help to pass over to the Makers side as we were unable to burn their bodies. It is all I ask of you._

_Mia_

Pray Cullen did. He knelt in the small Chantry for hours ruminating on his letter, mourning for his family, his once home, his old life. It shouldn’t matter; he had the Order and new purpose now. But Maker help him, as the tears continued to fall long into the night he found that it did.

* * *

Cullen was on duty in the Library when he first suspected something was wrong. Knight Lieutenant’s David and Caleb asked him to escort the few mages milling about back to their dorms and then to seek out Knight Commander Greagoir on the lower floors for more orders.

He did so at once, simply suspecting some spell had gone awry in a class room or that one of the senior enchanters had set their assistants robes on fire again. Yet when he found Greagoir, the grim look adorning his brow at once indicated that something far more serious had occurred.

‘They’ve taken Irving. Maker’s Breath if they are able to corrupt him…’

Cullen caught the end of the conversation with the Knight Captain and remaining lieutenants.

The senior officers hatched a plan; they would seal the door temporarily to contain any threats while the Templars conducted a full sweep. Once Greagoir was recovered the doors would be reopened and _only_ then.

The Knight-Commander turned to him ‘Ser Cullen, you are one of the youngest here, would you prefer to stay behind and guard the door?’

‘No Ser’ he replied without hesitation ‘I will go with the others.’ Cullen had already lost one home, he couldn’t stand to lose this one too.

‘Very well, form up all of you! Be vigilant, be thorough, be safe. Andraste preserve you.’

The moment the barrier was sealed over the heavy wooden doors Cullen heard the first scream. It was coming from the apprentice dormitory.

* * *

Trapped. Caged.

Battered and bruised, beaten and bloodied. Cullen couldn’t remember how long he has been made to suffer.

They lost two men to the rage demon that had been summoned in the apprentice rooms; he couldn’t count how many of the young Mages had already been burned before they got there and managed to subdue the demonic inferno. He regretted now that Kinloch’s weapons protocol meant that they usually only carried their Greatswords, if they had had their shields there may have been fewer casualties. Cullen didn’t think he would ever forget the smell of burning bodies.

More Templars gave their lives as they fought their way through the tower, falling to abominations that had risen when the Mages, loosened without oversight had fallen into panic or tried to escape. He thought he could see the twisted faces of Enchanters he had respected warped into the hulking fleshy atrocities. _Was that Amell? _The young man had taken his Harrowing with Surana and had been the best of friends with her; he was disgusted that one of her cohort had been so easily corrupted.

Still they fought on, room by room.

They thought they had all but quelled the demons, their confidence rising as they made their way up and up towards the Harrowing Chamber. When they entered the ancient room Irving was in sight, _it is over!_ He had thought… It was not over. The First Enchanter tried to shout a warning, but their overconfidence had been their downfall. They had not accounted for the sheer number of demons Uldred could summon, could not comprehend that he could reach into their minds to turn Brother against Brother. His combined and unleashed Spirit and Primal magic powered by blood proved impossible to counter.

After the end of a vicious and violent battle the handful of Templars not yet killed were dragged into an adjoining room and there they remained.

The Senior Templars were the first to break. Cullen knew the thirst for Lyrium was potent, the constant song calling him ever since his first draught. But he still expected his superiors to last more than 36 hours before they began to barter away their lives for the drug, was that his future? Willingly giving himself over to a vile creature of the Fade for one more drop of his powerful addiction. _No I won’t let it consume me._

The physical torture came next. Uldred’s band of blood mages using their bodies for sport, enticing demons into his friends forms, whippings, beatings and all manner of corporal punishment. The Mages proved to be vindictive and eager in their revenge against those who had sworn to protect them.

All of the Templars, every last one, eventually succumbed to temptation or expired from their injuries…Till only Cullen remained.

The torture was resumed in earnest but he could endure. The Chant had so far provided him with a safe harbor to care for his mind while his physical being was torn to shreds, only to be healed and have the whole process start over. If that was the best his captors could do, then he would die before they would break him. Indeed after days, _weeks?_ The Blood Mages either gave into possession themselves, or wandered off in the hope of more entertaining prey.

He had hope.

A teasing laugh, a streak of long dark hair. _Could it be?_ Cullen thought she was dead; she must have survived and tried to come home.

_Maker no_, ‘Surana, Surana you need to get away from here!’ he shouted out a warning. She gasped when she saw him in his pitiful state; the barrier must have not affected mages as she passed through it with ease, kneeling down beside him.

‘Cullen? Oh Maker, Cullen what have they done to you?’

‘Y- you need to get away.’ He pleaded, his throat was hoarse from dehydration, his lips parched and chapped. She was wearing only her enchanter robes, and carried no staff, perhaps he could find her one and she could fight her way out of this void.

Surana held a water skein up to his mouth, he drunk greedily though it quenched only one of the thirsts currently consuming him.

‘It’s ok Cullen. You’re safe now, I’m here to help, we can get out of this together.’

‘Help?’ he said the word like a prayer, his eyes refusing to leave her face as he looked upon her as if she were the prophetess reborn.

_‘_Yes_’_ the smile she gave him was still as inviting as it always had been, her hands warm against his cheeks. Cullen’s eyes slid closed in relief and joy. How often he dreamt of her touching him like this? Pity that it had taken this madness for them to see that; worse still that he didn’t realize that his torment had only just begun.

‘I’ll always stay with you Cullen,** no one will come between us now**’ she spoke into his ear. Her voice sounded a little odd, it almost echoed despite being a whisper and her cadence had changed since she had been away. And her eyes, her eyes were yellow!

Cullen pushed her away from his body, he didn’t have the strength to move her far and he was unable to retreat due to the static cage behind him.

‘What-What are you!?’ Cullen hissed as Surana continued to look over him with a seductive smile.

‘**I’m what you’ve always wanted Cullen**’ she moved back to him with unusual speed, pressing her lips to his. She moaned into him and at first he responded eagerly. Her hands began to stroke his hair, his aching back and trailing down, down. He felt himself harden through his skirts, shame flooding him considering the life or death situation they were still in, but he had wanted her for so long.

Then he noticed that her hands were no longer warm, cold chilling him where she touched. He balked at her taste and scent, putrid and cloying like sulfur. He remembered that Surana had died at Ostagar. _DEMON_! This time he pushed her back with more force, drawing another dark chuckle from Surana, the laugh he once found attractive now a repugnant grating, her kiss was poison.

‘Begone Demon!’ he commanded though his voice faltered and shook, his resolve not at all as strong as it should be in the face of the one he had pined over this past year and a half.

Desire revealed her true form, laughing as she floated around him, gleefully eyeing her prize.

‘**Oh little Templar, we will have such fun** **before I claim you.**’

His tormentor took delight in delving into his mind, providing him with lurid fantasies, touching him when he could no longer fight, edging him and toying with him till time ceased to pass.

Surana, stripping away her robes to reveal her lithe Elven body. Pleasuring herself in front of him, begging him to take her. ‘**Oh Cullen, can you see how much I want you?**’ She held her glistening nectar up to his face, Cullen retching at the act as he had no food or fluid left to vomit. ‘**Come to me husband, let’s consummate our marriage**.’

‘No!’ he shouted.

Surana, belly swollen and full, cooing and smiling over her bump. She was wearing a long green dress, her hair flowing around her in dark black curls. _‘_**Oh Cullen, I think I felt the baby kick. Come and touch me and we can be a family.’**

‘No.’ He sobbed.

Surana, kneeling in front of him. Using all her wiles, her lips, her tongue to bring him pleasure he did not want. ‘**Cullen, give in to me Cullen. I will make you feel so good**’ she purred before closing her hot wet mouth over his length once more.

‘Please stop!’ he cried. Trying to step away but falling when the lightning from the cage alighted his nervous system once more.

He lay there on the floor and felt his mind cracking, crying though he had no water to even produce tears. There was no one coming to save him, no one cared. He’d already let everybody down his comrades, his charges, his family. What reason did he have to fight… maybe he should just stop fighting.

‘You will remember me won’t you Cullen?’

Cullen drew a ragged breath as he heard the too familiar voice._ Katherine?_

This was too cruel. Cullen squeezed his eyes shut; he refused to see what abominable demon now wanted their pound of flesh. Couldn’t they see there was only the husk of a man left.

‘**What is the meaning of this!’** Surana-Demon shrieked. Cullen’s eyes snapping open at her tone of outrage.

She was there. Standing as she had all those years ago, a flower crown in her hand. Her cheeks flushed from their earlier kiss, tears in her eyes as they said their goodbyes… And there she remained, just looking at him. Patiently waiting for his response.

_Katherine. Innocent, pure, kind, joyous Katherine._

For the first time in years he let himself r_eally_ remember her as he studied her form with his tired red rimmed eyes. He was fully prepared to see her cut down the moment Desire reached her but for those few heartbeats he drank his fill, unusual for a balm to be offered when he was so close to breaking. It had to be some new game Surana was playing.

The girl began to hum her familiar lullaby and Cullen was filled with memories of his youth. Of his constant complaining, of her patience and stubbornness. Of her wild long hair, neither straight nor curly but unruly waves that she constantly battled. Of their games, their shared adventures, her singing, her scent. Lavender and Elderflower. _Elderflower! _He still had a sprig of dried blossom in his chest back at the barracks, he liked the way it made his clothes smell. Like home.

‘P-please, don’t hurt her. I’ll do anything you ask’ he pleaded as the violet demon stalked towards her. That was how they were going to finally tempt him, Andraste forgive his weakness but he could not watch her be mutilated and twisted.

Desire raised her claws. Kat still just standing there waiting for his answer, she wouldn’t even defend herself. Cullen stretched out his arm, he was too weak to do more, he couldn’t protect her ‘NO!’

The blow passed through her body, a slight shimmering covering her form before she was once again whole and humming her song. _What is happening?_

The desire demon stalked and swiped at the apparition again and again. Cullen bracing himself every time, expecting one of the attacks to finally land and cut short the life of his first love.

But the connecting strike never came Desire shrieking with rage at being thwarted by this interloper when her victory had been all but assured.

A quiet chuckle escaped him and Surana-Demon fixed her evil gaze upon him once more.

‘She isn’t yours is she? Haha! _Oh Kat…_’ he laughed again although it pained him to do so, the demon whipping her tail and snarling in anger. ‘I’ve finally gone mad, and there is nothing you can do about it!’

With the sound of her song in his ears he slipped into a deep dreamless, sleep. His first reprieve in days.

His relief was of short duration. When he woke he was still trapped, still craved Lyrium till he was scratching at his skin with an unrelenting itch for the blue.

Katherine was gone. Desire remained. Taunting him and tempting him once more.

But when the torture got very bad, when he was about to give in to Desire’s foul seductions she would come to him. The visions varied. Sometimes she was just smiling and laughing as she lay her head down beside his, pointing up at the none existent clouds overhead.

Other times she would sing her lullaby granting him much needed rest.

The visions were always chaste, always pure. There was no attempt to touch him, or to offer him solace other than what was imparted with her memory. Desire couldn’t imitate her, couldn’t beat her, Kat offered him something that was incorruptible.

Every time his encounters with her ended the same way. ‘You will remember me won’t you Cullen?’ The apparition asked again. Reaffirming the promise, the commitment he made all those years ago and that he very nearly betrayed.

‘Yes’ he whispered ‘I promise.’

Cullen’s eyes slid shut for rest once more, he had his promise, his purpose, he would carry on fighting.

His rescue came during one of his darker moments. He raged at Warden Surana thinking she was another ploy to win his submission. Even once released he was mistrustful of the Warden’s intentions, railing against their decision to not annul the circle. How could they let a single mage loose was beyond him. They were all weak, all corrupted by power, all deviants looking for their chance to fight against the Makers will. Never again would he be fooled by their apparent proficiency or personability. Never again would he stray from his righteous path.

Cullen may have been physically saved by Surana, but he knew that Katherine had been his salvation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Veil is thin in the circle. If there are a lot of demons there are spirits too. I'm headcannoning that 'Kat' is a spirit here, maybe of purpose or love, you can decide.
> 
> Cullen hasn't gone crazy, well anymore than usual DAO Cullen x


	5. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for sticking with this through the angsty chapters.  
Things are looking up xxx

_Katherine POV_

_The dreams, our childhood plans. None of it mattered of course, we both had to adapt to survive. _

_I hardly recognized myself, not for a long time._

_****_

South Reach was the perfect new start for the Rutherford children.

Mia had found love in the form of one the local Farmer’s sons; they were engaged within a few months of courting.

Branson was apprenticed to the Blacksmith in the nearby town. The current incumbent was nearing retirement and so would leave the shop to the young man in the near future. This would provide Branson with financial security and also an outlet for his anger.

Rosalie, since accepting the loss of her parents became the most outwardly cheerful of all. She was the one to rally their spirits and talk of good times to come and the happy times past.

Katherine worked on the local farms as a laborer. She had to provide for Annie alone although Mia did try to help her when she was able, a relief as some weeks the money could run short. The work was back breaking and she was not strong. Also she was terrified that when winter came, that coupled with the long days of toil would lead to her to weaken and catch a chill as her mother had done. And then Annie would be alone… _I will never abandon her, not like everyone else._

Annie’s spirits were little better than her older sisters. Having been refused the position of assistant at the only healers for thirty miles she retained her seriousness, spending her days reading and acquiring knowledge; practicing her art to any who would give time to a thirteen year old. Kat never fell ill and she attributed that wholly to her sister’s skill, she was a prodigy and deserved the chance to use her gift.

So, after more than a year of striving and failing to find their place they felt it was time to leave.

The farewells to the Rutherford clan were emotional. They were the only family they had left, their only connection to their childhood and warming youthful memories.

Mia provided them with huge packs of food although handed them over with regret and her typical mother-hen chastisement when they didn’t heed her request to settle close by.

Branson shouted a lot when they told him they were leaving, but eventually conceded that they possibly could be happier elsewhere. It was no secret that the young sisters had been struggling.

Rosalie kissed them both, made them promise to write once a week and tell her all the wonderful things they would see. Her exuberance meant that when they departed, to join up with the trader that was to take them north up to the harbor towns, they did so with smiles on their faces and with hope for a brighter future.

* * *

From South Reach they traveled up through Drakonfork, past the Calder hills before eventually reaching the small port of Harpers Ford. Annie had wanted to sail from Highever and take the chance to see the sights of that great city, but the merchant they were travelling with assured them that boats from this port were cheaper, and they were not rich in funds.

When they arrived they made quick enquiries regarding the ships currently docked and their onward destinations. Of the several boats going to Kirkwall one, a large galleon with pristine white sails, was out of their price range. The other a military vessel refused to allow women on board. _Bloody superstitious lot! _That left them with a mid-sized cargo vessel who’s Captain, a shrewd but experienced Starkhaven sailor eyed them disapprovingly.

‘Passage will cost you ten gold a piece’ he said folding his arms.

That was more than half their savings and they knew they would need bribes to get through the docks at the other side.

Katherine scoffed and standing in a likewise unimpressed manner retorted at once ‘Look at us! We are tiny girls ten gold for the pair and I promise you won’t even notice we’re on-board!’

The man was unmoved ‘I’m not running a ferry service here, ten gold each and you get your meals and own bunks.’

Kat kept her polite smile fixed. She had learned to barter well these past few years; it had been a necessity as their coin had dried up. She had wanted to keep these as a memento of Papa Rutherford but memories wouldn’t pay for passage.

‘What about these Daggers?’ She placed them down with care, they had been well looked after since she’d inherited them. They were sharp, the handles not long rebound. She knew they could fetch a few gold on their own.

The Captain appraised them with an expert eye. ‘Hmmm…old military stock, sturdy, functional. Yeah they will do.’

‘Then we have a deal’ Kat put out her hand to shake and swiped the daggers back ‘You get this half of your payment after we get there.’

The hoary man looked like he was about to protest but Kat added sweetly ‘You can’t expect to young Ladies to travel without any protection!’

That drew a loud guffawing laugh from their new ship mate ‘Aye, get on then. You Lassie drive a harder bargain than a Dwarf!’

The days at sea were a little boring, especially when the crossing became rough and they were forced to retreat into the mess deep in the bowels of the ship, but the sisters made the best of it. For Annie she seconded herself in with the ships surgeon getting a very practical education in all kinds of unpleasant diseases and also a crash course in how to keep tools clean in a less than sterile environment.

Kat spent her time mooching about, learning how to play cards with the sailors… learning how to cheat at cards like the sailors and generally throwing herself into the ships life. Her mother would have been appalled at the language she picked up, but she found it, along with her still short hair and men’s clothing, helped her to be easily accepted by the crew. Consequently she was made privy to a few more of the little tricks and cons that the men used to make coin when ashore.

The ‘traders’ they were travelling with were smugglers…she was almost certain of it. They weren’t allowed to go down to the cargo hold although she did peak at some of the barrels through the lattice air vent. _‘Tethras Bros’_ the worn label stated, she hadn’t heard of them.

The Cabin Boy was a young Orlesian orphan named Frederic, although everyone called him Fred. He was around the same age as Annie and had taken quite a shine to the younger sister. He approached Katherine hesitantly one day asking questions about what her sibling liked and whether or not they planned on sailing again soon. He puffed up his chest and told her quite confidently that one day he would return to his homeland a wealthy man and that he thought Annie would fit in well in Orlais because of her hair.

‘Not that your hair isn’t a pretty color of course’ he backtracked ‘but your sister’s is very red.’ _Almost as red as your face _she thought with a grin. It was young love and it was adorable. Kat listened patiently to his proud plans for the future, she encouraged his diligence but urged him not to make promises he couldn’t keep. Her own bittersweet remembrance clouding what was otherwise a sunny day.

The voyage was on its final evening. And as the weather was calm and the going was smooth the Captain ordered them all above deck for an impromptu celebration of a sea crossing well done. Salted meat was roasting on the spit, the smell was divine and Kat’s mouth watered when she took the first bite. Dried lemons and oranges were passed around like candy; the sharp-sweet flavor was surprisingly moreish. She tried some of the barreled hooch they had opened, but found it a little too strong for her and had to sit down when she fell a little dizzy. Annie next to her was giggling and clapping along to the accordion that was being played, the sailors jigging about and singing exceptionally rude songs that made Kat blush.

A wrought Iron brazier was lit in the center of their gathering, crackling noisily and whooshing up with a bright orange flame whenever one of the crew poured on some of the strong rum they were happily chugging.

At a break in the music the Captain approached the seated girls, addressing Kat directly ‘Do you know any ditties Lassie?’

Katherine panicked, when had she last sung or performed? ‘I don’t know many lively ones; I should think you’d find my singing boring.’

‘Now now, we gave you passage for a song so it’s only fair you return the favor. Come on-’ he ordered and shushed his men ‘Bore us to tears!’

Shaking and still feeling a little buzzed from the alcohol she stood close the brazier, the heat from it warming her already scalding cheeks further. She looked up, the two moons were bright in the clear skies. She took a deep breath, heard the waves crashing against the bow of their ship… and sang.

_Speed bonnie boat like a bird on the wing_  
Onward the sailors cry.  
Carry the lad that’s born to be king  
Over the sea to Skye.

It was a good song choice, at once silence fell over the deck. Any muttering conversations muted as her voice, high and lilting rang out. All enraptured with the unexpected performance.

_Loud the wind howls  
Loud the waves roar_

_Thunderclaps rend the air_

Her eyes slipped closed. When had she last allowed herself to sing, to feel?

  
_Baffled our foes_  
Stand by the shore  
Follow they will not dare

Kat swayed slightly with her song, long forgotten grace moving her body unconsciously, her face a picture of serenity. She’d missed this.

_Speed bonnie boat like a bird on the wing_  
Onward the sailors cry.  
Carry the lad that’s born to be king  
Over the sea to Skye

Kat swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, her vision becoming blurry with unshed emotion. No one spoke, no one clapped. _Had it been that awful?_ She looked at once to Annie with alarm and found her sisters face among the crowd. There was a mirroring sadness in her eyes, a few tears fell and were hastily wiped away despite her otherwise encouraging smile.

‘By the Maker Lassie’ The Captain stood and threw a copper down at her feet ‘I said bore us to tears not break our hearts!’ He started to clap followed by all the now standing sailors who filled the once silence with a rapturous applause, more coins were thrown in favor and she just stood there fighting the rising tide of _joy _that threatened to overwhelm her.

Annie clapped and whooped and Katherine, feeling a little silly due to her men’s clothes, still felt obliged to give a pristine curtsy in thanks. Then felt even more foolish for doing so and tried to hide her blushed cheeks and grateful smile behind her too short hair.

As they were about to step onto the gangplank the following morning and start their new lives Kat, as promised offered her daggers up as payment.

The Captain slapped her roughly on the back ‘Nah, you keep them. After all I can’t expect two Ladies to live in this Maker-forsaken hole without any protection!’

* * *

Kirkwall was crowded, humid and the ancient walls and enormous statues were looming and threatening. And this was just the harbor. They chatted to the few food vendors who approached them while they were waiting in a long queue to be processed. Apparently it was far worse a few months ago, back then they closed the gate to all but Kirkwall nationals, the Viscount eventually relenting when the docks became the site of a humanitarian disaster.

When it was their turn they bribed the guards and took directions to the cheapest accommodation they could find in what was really just a now lived in sewer called Darktown.

_Whoever named the place Darktown was certainly very literal_ she mused as they approached the place they were to call home. It was little more than a one bedroom hovel carved out of the foundations of whatever building was above them. The siblings were long familiar with poverty and hardship since the blight, but even they found that absolute destitution which surrounded them somewhat upsetting.

Kat was about to announce that they had made a terrible mistake, that they should return to the docks and try and beg passage back to Fereldan when someone was stabbed right outside their front door.

The sight of blood in the darkened clearing instantly brought back memories of that fateful night, of seeing her friend violently cut down while the other was dragged away screaming. For the first time in her life Katherine froze.

Instead of dragging Annie right back inside, fearing they could be targeted in whatever organised crime attack this was she instead watched uselessly and in awe as her baby sister sprang into action.

Working with deft hands she bundled up spare rags in order to slow the bleeding, shouting at those folk standing and gawking at the display to go and find help. She checked for other injuries and took the time to learn the victim’s name and calm him with reassuring words.

A few minutes later they were rapidly approached by someone who proclaimed to be a Healer; they had no choice but to trust him on sight.

A few of their neighbors helped move the young man to the Healer’s place of work and the sisters retired to their single room dwelling, the elder shaking, the younger lamenting that she didn’t tag along to assist and vowed to find out where he had been taken tomorrow to check in.

Annie made her some tea on their small stove ‘Are you ok Katie? I’ve never seen you panic like that before.’ Katherine wasn’t scared of blood, she wasn’t scared of the dark _but some combination of the two…_‘Ah, oh yes I’m sorry to worry you’ she forced a smile, relieved when Annie turned away and missed the shudder that shook her frame.

The Healer turned out to be a Grey Warden Apostate who returned to their home a few hours after the injured man had been treated. Anders offered Annie a position providing she had no issues with him using magic when the need arose.

‘If we’d had magic my mother may not have died’ Annie spoke a little bitterly.

Katherine had tried, several times to explain that their mother had never been _very_ well. She was always prone to illness and infection and in truth although magic may have cured that particular chill which cost the young mother her life, she didn’t think it could have treated the underlying sickness.

‘She accepts!’ Kat spoke quickly, shocking her sister from her brooding.

‘Katherine, are you sure?’

‘Yes! This is why we came to Kirkwall’ she insisted grasping her sister’s hands. ‘Learn your craft, learn from Anders. Help people it’s what you were made for.’ She had never been more certain of anything in her life. Except for one thing… _Doesn’t matter, he’s dead_ she thought grimly.

‘Oh thank you!’ Annie pulled her into a hug, distracting her from her sinking mood and she returned the embrace eagerly.

‘All I ask is that you let me walk you to and from work, at least till you’re a little older ok?’

‘Yes of course.’

‘Wonderful!’ Anders clapped ‘Oh one quick question, you aren’t allergic to Cats are you?’

* * *

Annie’s new position didn’t come with a regular wage. Their patients gave what they could, often in the form of clothing, food or favors, rarely coin. As a result it was up to Katherine to find employment again, to support them financially and eventually pay their way out of the slums.

She spent weeks searching. Trying first to find regular work, asking around in the markets and docks but the prejudice against Fereldans was severe. She had lost count of the times someone had called her a dog fucker.

There was a nearby mine nicknamed the ‘bone pit’ partially due to the number of workplace accidents that had taken place. The owners took one look at her thin arms and laughed her away saying ‘even if they paid her half she still wouldn’t be able to move enough of the ores to make it worth their while.’

That was frustrating. It wasn’t her fault she was currently rather skinny, she had had more curves as a fourteen year old than she did now. Her Mother, when well, had always had a beautifully voluptuous figure. But the years since her teenage growth spurt had been hard on her body. First in Honnleath when she had to learn a new set of skills from nothing, then South Reach when the food shortages associated with war were ever present and now.

Their savings had dried up in those first couple of months in Kirkwall so Kat started going the odd day without eating, telling Annie she would get something later when the younger sister questioned her lack of appetite over breakfast and dinner. It wouldn’t be forever, she was resilient.

Katherine didn’t want to resort to thievery, the risk was too high. If she was caught then Annie would be alone and she would _never_ let that happen. She still had enough pride remaining, battered though it was, to refuse the odd suggestion that she begin ‘working’ _I’d rather starve_ she thought angrily.

Feeling dejected as she sat near the market, waiting for inspiration she noted several gaming tables set up not far from her. Gambling was risky; she knew enough to win in fair game. Or rather cheat her way to victory, her ‘Trading’ friends on their boat trip had taught her well. But that was no guarantee against an equally skilled player or one that had stacked the odds.

_What if it was my game_…

Kat sprinted to the toy stall and spent her handful of remaining coppers on a deck of cards. She would need to be careful, to make sure she lost just enough to make her winnings seem incidental, but the prospect of regular meals and some new clothes proved too strong.

It was time for the gamesters of Kirkwall to find the Lady.

* * *

‘You filthy wretch, give me back my money!’

Kat sighed as she heard the usual complaint; all but rolling her eyes at the man who was as tall as he was broad loudly berate her. ‘Serrah, you mustn’t be a sore loser.’

‘You cheated!’ his fists shook with his indignation. His friends who had been standing nearby coming to see what the disturbance was, they were all large, all armed. It was time to go.

Katherine quickly collected her days ‘winnings’ and tucked them into a small cloth purse. ‘If I had been cheating then I would have won that large round earlier don’t you think?’

She abandoned her table and started walking away briskly; they were following her _Andraste’s knickers not this again. _Her disappointed customers were becoming more frequent and increasingly vocal. She had been changing the game up from time to time and practicing her sleight-of-hand skills in her downtime. But she may have to rethink her hustling strategy, or consider paying for protection if this kept up.

Just as she reached the mouth of the ally that lead away from the market square she spun and addressed the four following thugs directly, although she really hoped to catch the attention of passers-by, which usually was a deterrent enough. ‘Are you really going to attack an unarmed individual in front of all these people and the city guard?’ Kat pointed over their shoulders indicating the law enforcers.

They looked behind them ‘Guards, what there’s no-‘

She ran.

_Phew that was too close_.

She flung the money pouch up in the air and caught it. Still it was not a bad day’s work. Kat was no longer missing meals now, and although she was still wearing men’s clothes they were at least new, or as close to new as she was likely to afford on her budget. Another year or so of this and they might be able to afford somewhere in low-town. With a more reputable address she could find some safer and steadier work and hopefully be able to help Annie set up her own clinic.

The general fear of magic and the tightly controlled presence of Mages meant that mundane healing was always going to be a necessity.

_Maybe we could have an apartment above Annie’s clinic?_ It was something to think about for the future, she whistled as she turned a corner, whelping in fright as she saw the men in front of her.

‘THERE’S THE BITCH!’

_Shit!_ Katherine broke out into a sprint without looking back.

She flew around corners and slipped her way along ever more deserted roads, winding and twisting past increasingly unfamiliar landmarks, inns and homes. She thought she knew Kirkwall’s streets fairly well by now. But in truth apart from her daily walk to the central market and back she hadn’t much ventured around the wider city.

Now, beginning to pant and feel faint from her sudden exertions she began to regret her decision to run blindly, a small whimper betraying her real alarm when she found herself at a dead end.

Even over her ragged breaths she could hear multiple footsteps approaching.

Kat had decided to stop carrying her daggers when she first came to Kirkwall. This wasn’t the first time she had riled up the wrong marks however usually the sight of her unarmed and offering whatever scant coin she had made that day made most would-be attackers back down. Waving a weapon in front of someone’s face only ever got people killed around here.

Katherine held her hands up and threw down the small purse expecting the same series of events to happen again. She might miss one meal, but they had enough saved behind a loose brick at home for them to make ends meet for a couple of weeks if she had to go into hiding for a while.

The thugs stepped over the purse, cracking their knuckles and fixing her with a look of pure violence.

‘Serrah please, I don’t want any trouble.’ Her back hit the wall behind her, still they approached.

‘You should have thought of that before you tried to scam me, now you need to learn.’ They had her cornered, she couldn’t slip past the four of them, had no hope of winning in a fight.

She begged once her hands shaking in fear ‘Take the money, leave me be, Please!’

_How miserable_ she thought_ I’ve survived the Blight only to end up dead in some alleyway._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has subscribed, left Kudos or commented so far. You are giving me such motivation, I can't wait to share the next chapter with you all (hint: they reunite)


	6. The Reunion

_Cullen POV_

_And then you were back, like the Knight you had always sworn to me you would become. If I had the greatest mind in the world I couldn’t adequately express how that made me feel, but I will try, for the sake of honesty._

*****

Cullen was in a foul mood as he rode from the Gallows on the small swaying ferry. The reason owning was that he was currently making his way towards Kirkwall’s most reputable whorehouse and it was not a pleasure call. He had two junior Knights accompanying him, Knox and James, they looked as anxious as he and were no doubt equally worried about their friends and peers going missing. Neither of the men attempted to make small talk with the stoic Knight-Captain and in truth Cullen preferred it that way.

_Maker’s Breath what a day._ He was not long returned from the wounded coast having tracked one of his disappeared soldiers there and watching with disgust as a man he had trained himself was twisted into an abomination before his very eyes. He may have had difficulty defeating the monster on its own but for the assistance of some passing mercenaries.

Still it had given him a lead and although the destination was not ideal he would take any and all opportunities to get out of the prison-like Gallows. Cullen drew in a deep breath of cloying salted air and pushed his curls back from his face, the humidity in Kirkwall always made his hair unmanageable the moment it grew longer than an inch so he appreciated the timid breeze that cooled him in the late evening sun.

He ruminated on how to approach this predicament; the brothel was notoriously secretive so hopefully the small purse of gold he had brought would help loosen tongues before he lost more men. Recruits were his responsibility; it had been his insistence upon taking over the role of Knight-Captain. And though there had been some complaints about his training being severe, about his personality being cold, Cullen would not deviate from his plan. He wasn’t there to make friends, his rapid promotion through the ranks had all but rendered him peerless anyways, better he used his new authority responsibly and diligently.

Their circle would produce the finest Templars in Thedas, they would be prepared for anything and be considered the finest examples of the Order. Cullen was determined that he would not see a repeat of Fereldan on his watch.

And he took pride in their development; the younger Knights he had trained himself were firm but fair. They didn’t have the blinded affections or excessive sympathies of Ser Thrask and his ilk yet at the same time they were just in their duties. Mages were in the circle for protection and he would not permit men under his command to commit abuses upon their charges, the recruits knew his expectations and learned this lesson from day one. He was a little worried about the heavy handed tactics that some of the older Knights employed, he had brought such matters to the Knight-Commanders notice but Meredith assured him the force had been adequate where used and he relied upon her judgement. She was a Knight-Commander who took Cullen’s concerns seriously; she knew of his history of his ill-fated experience at Kinloch and convinced him it was a strength, not a weakness to be swept away. She entrusted him with the Knight-Captaincy and he trusted her in turn.

For now he would concentrate on this pressing matter and over time replace the malcontents with his own skilled men, those he had trained, those he could trust…

He pinched the bridge of his nose at the first dull pressure of a headache starting to bloom. He would need to take his Lyrium draught soon; _perhaps it’s time to finally reduce my dosage back down_.

Unlike the rest of the Templars Cullen had taken to consuming his Lyrium on an evening. In Grenfell, the lay sisters who attended him found it to be the only way his Nightmares could be actively managed; the only way his screams didn’t disturb the other residents of the quiet place of rest. They also chose to increase his daily dose so that he now had double what the other Knights were given, as a result towards the end of his days the perpetual, lingering and ever growing thirst was often accompanied with other subtle symptoms. Headaches, a short temper nothing he _couldn’t_ manage but he knew the drug didn’t affect him so deeply in Fereldan, it was necessary for his function but was also a leverage which a demon could exploit and he would not succumb as his seniors had back then.

As they neared the port side he looked over across the mass of boats bobbing on the dock, Cullen idly wondered if any of them were preparing for a trip to Fereldan. Before the fall, he had promised himself he would visit South Reach. Go and see his sibling’s new home and offer them whatever support and condolence had been lacking in the almost eight years he had been away. _Could he?_

No, they were better off without him. Let them hold onto the memory of the optimistic thirteen year old boy rather than have to deal with the broken man he had become. He wouldn’t want any of them, especially Mia _and maker especially Kat_ to see what had become of him.

He was cold, numb. It was better this way.

The ferry dropped them off at the lowest point of the city. There wasn’t a very long walk ahead of them and he had patrolled enough to know the quickest route through the labyrinth like streets, the sooner he could get this over with the better. They set off briskly, their armor glinting in slowly receding sunlight, the general populace scurrying out of their way as they progressed deep into Lowtown. 

A ways before their destination Cullen heard raised voices and fast footsteps one street over, there was no doubt it was a disturbance. ‘We could leave it to the City guard?’ Ser James volunteered. It _was_ their jurisdiction Cullen supposed _‘Serrah please, I don’t want any trouble’_ the fearful accent was distinctly Fereldan. That made the decision easy. Cullen may not be able to help his own family, but he could aid whichever of his countrymen had found themselves in this cursed city.

‘The Templars protect’ he told the junior Knights, his pace hastening towards the confrontation.

Cullen could now hear the sounds of a scuffle and fists hitting flesh, he rounded the corner with urgency, his anger rising as he saw four burly men all standing over a much smaller huddling figure.

‘STAND DOWN’ Cullen ordered. He drew his shield from his back and unsheathed his blade. The two Knights that were accompanying him followed suit and stood in formation to his left and right, they were a formidable sight.

‘Shit, it’s the Templars’ one of the attackers muttered, the group halting their assault and parting to allow their presumed leader to approach. Cullen looked past the huge man, he could just make out the figure of a thin and bloodied boy prone and unmoving on the ground, he may be hardened but the sight still made his blood boil with the injustice of it.

‘Go about your business Templar. There are no Mages here, just a thieving piece of shit that needs to be taught their manners.’

Cullen’s steel gaze snapped to the offending man, he swore he saw him flinch ‘_If_ he has committed a crime then you report him. All I can see is four grown men attacking an unarmed and defenseless boy and that will not stand.’

The brute scoffed ‘barely touched’em. And they deserved it, been conning decent people for months that one.’

‘My point stands.’

At the apparent impasse the leader glanced back over his shoulder, looking for support and weighing the odds of their victory, his hand brushed against the hilt of a dagger at his hip.

Cullen brought his blade up high, his grip sure and strong, the threat clear. ‘I wouldn’t if I were you. You may not be an apostate but that will not stop me cutting through you like butter if you so much as raise one finger against me or my men.’

The offending handle was released and the man stepped away, scooping up a coin purse that Cullen hadn’t noticed was on the floor and shouting at his lackeys to follow.

Once the alleyway was clear Cullen re-sheathed his blade and stowed his shield on his back. ‘You two stand watch, I don’t want them coming back with more friends.’

‘Ser!’

Now Cullen turned his attention to the crumpled figure on the floor. He heard wheezing breaths and a few quiet sniffs as he approached slowly, a few bruises were forming on the forearms where the lad had obviously tried to shield himself from the blows.

Cullen winced in sympathy as he saw a bloodied lip just peeking out from under his cropped hair, he may have been a criminal but he still deserved pity and aid so Cullen withdrew a healing potion from his belt.

‘Here boy, drink this’ the hand that reached forward was pale, hesitant and quivered lightly as the deep scarlet vial was grasped. He knew how much a good restorative could cost, looking at the well worn clothes it would certainly be out of this recipient’s price range. Fortunately the Tranquil in the Gallows were not only excellent at their craft but always ensured every Templar was well stocked, it wouldn’t be difficult for him to procure a replacement.

A small hiss of pain meant the restorative was working to soothe the worst of the injuries, a stifled grunt of discomfort given as Cullen helped him stand with his shoulder under his scrawny arm, noting that the lad weighed almost nothing.

They limped towards the mouth of the alley, the victim walked a little taller as they progressed, his limbs regaining their strength. ‘Now young man, do I need to report this to the City guard or should I assume your assailants did in fact have due cause for their displeasure?’

They huffed in irritation. Cullen taking that as an acknowledgement of the dubious legality, but then he said something that surprised him ‘I’m not a man, Arse.’

Cullen dropped her arm at once feeling somewhat the fool for addressing her so improperly. ‘Forgive me, from your clothing I assumed-’ _Cullen laughed and shook his head, he playfully pushed her shoulder making her stumble back a few steps._

_‘Arse’ she complained while coming to stand back at his side._

Cullen’s long dormant memory crashed into his waking thoughts like a sledgehammer. He gaped at the back of the young woman who had continued walking despite his sudden halt. Her hair…The color was right it reminded him of Autumn_, maybe a little darker but the length_! Where were the tangled waves? It couldn’t be her, she would never have cut her hair, she loved it long. Cullen still couldn’t move as he looked at every minuscule detail of her gait, her dress._ No, she was a Lady_ he consoled himself. The memory was just a coincidence, the cadence of her voice just happened to sound like hers. She would never come here.

The girl turned and frowned after finally noticing that her rescuer was no longer following, she swept her tousled locks aside revealing the dried flecks of blood on her face, the swelling that had yet to recede and her hauntingly familiar features.

Cullen inhaled sharply; there was no mistaking her eyes. He knew them better than his own, the nights the had spent fixated on them in a bid to try and drive away his horrors, trying to remember the exact shade of green, trying to remember how they would sparkle when she laughed or roll when he would make her cross.

‘Look, I’m okay you don’t need to-‘ her words faltered as she saw the stunned look on his face.

_’Katherine?!’_

She instantly paled as her name was spoken, her lips parting in a silent gasp and her body freezing as if it had been trapped in ice.

There they stood, time slowed, the seconds drawing out into eons as they looked over each other. Cullen saw her chest was rising and falling rapidly, her eyes flitting over his face, his armor, trying to comprehend the sight before her. He knew he must be doing the same, drinking in every detail of her features like some depraved voyeur. _Why was she here? She couldn’t be here; she was supposed to be safe in Fereldan. Maker she’s so thin_.

‘You, you’re –‘ she whispered. Her feet pulled her towards him without thought and shaking like a leaf she raised her hand towards his face, it was millimeters from his cheek when she withdrew it as if it had been burned.

‘No no no’ she whimpered, stifling the sound with her fingers over her lips. He saw her eyes become glassy, her breath hitching as they stared across the tiny space that felt like a void between them.

‘I, we thought you were dead!’ she whispered and turned her back on him. Cullen watched in pain as she tugged at the short strands of her hair, reeling from the revelation of his continued existence and sniffing quietly as she tried to compose herself. Andraste preserve him but he had never regretted the decision to keep his whereabouts a secret quite so much, not now he could see the agony etched into every line and movement of her battered body. No amount of Lyrium could numb him enough to be insensitive to her pain.

‘You’re not dead?’ she asked once she had mastered her emotions, turning back to him once more.

‘I’m not dead’ he confirmed, speaking more softly than he had in years, fearing he would somehow startle her more than he already had. As it happened he needn’t have worried about alarming her as with her next breath she barreled into him.

‘Cullen!’ She cried as she threw her arms around his waist and crushed her face into the sharp cold metal of his pauldrons. He stood there in shock not returning the embrace, maybe he had forgotten how.

She pulled away far too quickly, before his mind had caught up with his desires and his own arms had risen to hold her as he longed to do. Wiping at her eyes to stop any tears from falling she stepped back. Her dazed happiness darkening before him, a small furrow appearing on her brow as the reality of his survival set in.

‘Why, how?’ Kat stood silently, patiently waiting for the answer to her question. It was a cruel contrast to the innocent girl he had envisioned in his mind for months. The question, the promise that had saved him during that darkest of times was so much simpler than the loaded one now poised to him. How could he answer without warping her otherwise happy memories of him, without revealing his shame, without making it seem like anything other than an abandonment of their shared family?

Cullen saw her fists ball and quake the longer the silence dragged. He had to speak, he had to explain… He could not, he swallowed down the lump in his throat and looked away from her.

That was the wrong thing to do. Stepping up to him she shoved him hard in his chest causing her to wince in pain from her still tender injuries as she did so.

‘Why didn’t you let us know you were alive you selfish bastard!’ She shouted, her voice echoing against the high stone walls and alerting his men who drew near at the assault.

‘Stand down’ he ordered calmly before returning his attention back to Kat. Surprised at her narrowed glare and thinned lips. When did she get so angry?

Cullen shook his head, he couldn’t deal with this today. His piercing headache was only getting worse, there was no doubt his dreams would be violent tonight; he still had to finish his inquiries regarding his men.

Katherine raised her hands in exasperation at his ongoing silence, unaware of the battle raging within him. ‘Do you know how heartbroken Mia was, how devastated I – we all were when we heard about the Circle falling?’

What could he say, he tried to explain his rationale albeit feebly ‘I-I had hoped, with my long absence that-‘

‘What, that because you had been away that we just wouldn’t care? Do you not remember what it’s like to have a family?’

‘Of course I do!’ He snapped in irritation _only too well_. A letter detailing the death of his parents, his friends and wards butchered before his eyes. Family was... for every happiness a sadness, for every fond memory a violent and bloody nightmare. He was right to now keep his distance from the other members from the Order and if needs be from _her_.

‘Why didn’t you write?’ she spoke so softly he could hardly hear her over the sound of blood rushing in his own ears.

‘I couldn’t– I just couldn’t.’

‘Bullshit…’she snapped, her coarse language shocking him and his men who were not used to seeing their Knight-Captain thus spoken to.

She continued angrily, spilling all her hurt into her words and shaming him in the process. He folded his arms defensively, he had tried to give her answers and she didn’t listen. His patience wearing thin as she continued to upbraid him in front of his men. He owed her nothing, not when he had only just saved her life.

‘Cullen what happened to you, why won’t you speak to me!’

Cullen’s anger finally peaked and he lashed out spitefully ‘Never mind me, what happened to you?’

She gave bitter bark of laughter ‘The Blight‘.

That gave him a moment’s pause, the fire not extinguished but no longer sparking ‘The Blight was hard on us all’ he conceded.

She scoffed and folded her arms mirroring his posture ‘what would you know!’

Cullen clenched his jaw as she poured more fuel onto the rage bubbling inside him ‘You obviously weren’t in the tower when it fell. So where were you while Fereldan burned around you? Had you already left, is that why you didn’t write?’

He spoke through clenched teeth ‘No, I was there.’

Kat snorted in disgust ‘That makes it worse. You send not one word to Mia when she writes to you about your own parent’s death. Have you even told her you’re here?’

Cullen didn’t answer.

‘You haven’t have you…’ she shook her head in disbelief.

‘Cullen Rutherford, shining Knight of the Templar Order’ she spoke mockingly, each word adding more weight to his guilt. ‘Too proud to associate with his family, too duty driven to even mourn his parents death, too-’

The angry twisting lump in his gut spiked at her _meanness_, his voice a hiss as he snapped in response ‘Don’t you dare judge me, not when from the looks of things you are living as vermin.’

The girl he once knew would have recognized his outburst for the defensive retort that it was. She would have clicked her tongue at his grumpiness and chastised him for raising his voice at a Lady. But that girl no longer existed; his heart gave a painful lurch at the realization and instead of rolling her eyes at him she narrowed them in fury.

‘How dare you! I’m doing what I have to do to survive.’ She prodded at his breast plate snarling with raw animosity. It wasn’t just her appearance that had changed, she was hardened and bitter. Cullen couldn’t believe this was his Kat, not his sweet friend who would dance and sing at any opportunity. The difference was too jarring, too severe, it had to be a nightmare and he was sure he would wake any moment.

Only he didn’t, still she continued her scathing assessment. ‘You aren’t the only one whose parents are dead, the only difference between us is that I still give a shit about my sibling and I will support her however I must.’ _Annie was here then_, she’d been six when he left the same age as Rosalie, he would never want his youngest sister to come to this awful city.

Cullen’s mortification was acute, but as he looked more closely at his once best friend he felt shame rise within him. She was thin, too thin. Her cheeks a little sunken, the luster gone from her skin and eyes. Her clothes ragged and ill-fitting, she was poverty stricken and he had just compared her to vermin.

_Maker what’s wrong with me._

He became contrite at once ‘Forgive me, I didn’t mean to imply that – ah please forgive me.’ It was feeble and not enough, he could never do enough. ‘But if what you are doing is illegal-‘ she shot him and unimpressed glare ‘I mean to say there are other ways to make money.’

She noticed the change in his tone but her earlier goodwill had completely expired ‘what would you rather Cullen?’ The question was rhetorical she had no interest in hearing from him any longer ‘Tell me, what profession do you think I could possibly obtain that _you_ wouldn’t find unsavory?’

There were jobs, although he himself had at times received some prejudice because of his Fereldan background, he realized how much worse that would be for a traveler who had almost nothing.

‘I’m not strong enough to be a warrior or guardsman, not burly enough to be a laborer. Yet my scamming is unpalatable to you… perhaps you would you rather I stole from people in the dead of night, become true thief?

‘Kat-‘

‘No? Would you have me turn myself over to a Madame to whore myself out?’

This was too much, the image of her innocent and kind. Her flower crown clasped in her hand, cheeks flushed from their kiss, it was all being torn to shreds before him, his memory, his salvation was crumbling to dust.

‘Let’s be honest a refugee like me, I’d be lucky to be in a brothel at all. I’d be down the docks sucking sailor’s cocks for pennies!’

‘_Don’t say that_’ he begged. She was destroying his one purest thought, the one he turned to when not even the Chant could provide solace. Couldn’t she tell how her words were hurting him?

‘Why not? It’s true. Look at me!’ She challenged and he did indeed raise his eyes to hers once more, but Cullen couldn’t speak. He could offer her no comfort but Maker he wished he could. Katherine’s shoulders sagged in defeat, her eyes finally leaving his ‘Even you thought I looked like a boy…’ He saw her clench her jaw, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. She never did allow herself to cry in public.

Straightening her back, raising her head with pride that she dragged up from some deep well of strength she gave a slight incline of her head ‘Goodbye Cullen.’

She strode away past his men without looking back and Cullen, like a puppy fearing abandonment gave chase.

‘Kat please wait!’

‘Knight-Captain, do you need us to maintain the perimeter?’ He noticed her expression of surprise at his title. ‘Ah no Ser Knox, please stand down. I’ll just be a few moments longer.’

When he looked back over at her the vulnerability was gone. Her shock, her sadness, the pain, it was all hidden. The woman now standing before him was not the same one he had just rescued and reunited with after far too many years apart. What he saw now was just her performance, and it pained him more than he could express that she no longer felt comfortable enough to share her emotions with him. ‘I’m glad you are doing well Cullen, really. But don’t hold me in contempt just because my life hasn’t turned out quite as well as I had hoped.’

Rubbed the back of his neck at her chastisement ‘I know, I’m sorry I implied that you had turned to crime willingly and I’m not unfeeling.’ Had she ever thought much of his words? Cullen wasn’t so eloquent as she, it was why he had always chosen to show how he felt through actions.

_Actions_, an idea struck ‘Here take this’ he withdrew the coin purse from his belt. ‘I don’t want your charity!’ she started walking away again but he caught her by the wrist. ‘Please, for Annie.’ He placed the purse in her hands. ‘I was only taking it to the Blooming Rose –‘

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise at his admission, making him recoil from his own idiocy.

’Makers breath, not for that!’ He stammered out at once, feeling a fool. Was he trying to sabotage every good opinion she had ever held for him.

She gave a tiny chuckle, his gaze snapping to her at the unexpected sound ‘I’m not judging! Not sure what you will say at your next confession but that’s between you and the Maker.’ She shrugged, now she was talking he felt compelled to encourage her even if it was at his expense and probable humiliation.

’It’s just a bribe. For information. On Templar business’ he clarified, turning red as he did so.

’I’m sure it is...’ she added sweetly as she weighed the money pouch in her hand. Was she offended, amused? Cullen used to think they could read each other’s minds when they were children but whereas his emotions were locked away under a muffling blanket of blue, hers were masked through years of practice and now all but imperceptible to him.

‘Maker Cullen just how much sex were you planning to have? There is more in here than I’d make in _months_’ Cullen spluttered out a stammering negative to her assertion.

The tiniest flicker of a smile at his discomfort gave him a much needed glimmer of hope, although he’d rather she not find his fumbling so amusing. But he’d take her teasing over her anger always. And while she had softened, while her hurt was hidden he may be able to reach her.

‘Kat, please. Use this to find or fund another occupation. You were lucky tonight; next time there might be no one to help you.’

This time she did roll her eyes ‘Would you even care?’

‘I would, and think of Annie’ that seemed to be the first right thing he said, she sighed and nodded solemnly.

‘I always do’

‘Are you far from your residence?’ He inquired casually.

‘No’

Looking at this particular area of the city Cullen gave a scowl ‘But we’re so close to Darktown’

‘I’m aware’ she shrugged.

_Maker’s Breath_

‘Take care of yourself Cullen’ she said with a note of finality. He watched as she loosened the strings on the purse just enough to slip one of the sovereigns out, pushing it into his hand and squeezing perhaps a little tighter than she had to as she closed his fist around it ‘and write to Mia.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so nervous about posting this. I hope you aren't dissapointed with their initial reunion x


	7. The Re-awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Jacklyn Flynn for the chapter title.  
I was stumped!

_Katherine POV_

_I had been a stranger in my own body, at least till I met you again in Kirkwall. Somehow it was comforting to see that you had changed too that you carried your own pain. I confess that after that first meeting I vowed to never see you again._

_*****_

Kat walked as briskly as she dared through Darktown, she didn’t want to draw attention to herself yet at the same time needed to get the heavy purse hidden as soon as possible. She had known people killed for less money than she now carried, _you almost were yourself_ she chastised before steering her thoughts distinctly away from anything to do with _him_.

Clenching her jaw firmly was the only way she could stop her lower lip from quivering from her pent up emotions, the dam of tumultuous feelings threatening to burst forth should one more drop of sadness or anger fall onto her already fractured mind.

_Nearly back, nearly safe_, she just had to walk a little further and she would be alone. Still as she sped towards her home he could already feel the first tears starting to fall.

She closed and bolted their rickety wooden door, her limbs trembling from the pain of her assault and her emotions running rampant. In a little while she would need to go for Annie she wouldn’t have time to remove the brick and hide the money properly so panicking slightly she stuffed the purse under their thin shared mattress.

On shaking legs she crossed back to the door there wasn’t time for this now.

_He’s alive._

That was the final blow to her psyche and she slid onto the floor in a messy heap of bruised limbs and shattered remembrance. A dark bubble of laughter escaped her lips as she considered the absurdity of her situation. The attack and his rescue. Her vocal abuse of him and his fumbling embarrassment. Her brief flicker of joy at seeing him healthy and hale, followed by her utter mortification and humiliation at his thinking she was a boy and calling her vermin.

It was too much. Within seconds she was sobbing, loud wretched tears falling unabashed while her body heaved as she struggled to draw enough air through her panic and choked cries.

Andraste preserve her, she hadn’t cried like this since news had spread about his circle being overrun. There hadn’t been anything between them since childhood, they had been little more than acquaintances for years while he had been away. Yet the thought of his death had affected her far more deeply than even her own Father’s. She’d cried for days whenever she had any privacy, but they had turned out to be wasted tears. _He’s alive_ the thought rang again, she couldn’t determine if the fact pained her or brought her solace.

_Cullen,_ she had refused to look back even though she felt his eyes on her back till she disappeared from sight. If she had done, well she would either have tried to hug him again which clearly hadn’t been well received or would’ve attempted to run him through with his own sword. Neither venture would have been successful seeing as he was wearing so much metal, Maker only knew how he was able to move in it all.

_Cullen_, despite his armor and title. Despite his impressive stature and commanding voice she had been able to humble him with a few well-placed words. He had the city at his feet and yet still fumbled and flushed as if her were a child. It was too confusing.

_Cullen_, he wasn’t just alive, he was thriving. He was the Knight Captain of the Gallows, his men clearly respected him and he had just given her a purse full of more gold than she had ever seen. Kat wanted to be happy for him, wanted to feel gratitude but how could she.

As she looked around the one roomed dwelling that she and Annie shared, noticing the scant amount of food on the shelves and her own grumbling stomach all she felt was bitterness and an ugly seed of jealousy taking root.

She wouldn’t be grateful, she crushed down any happiness that threatened to bubble to the surface. He deserved nothing but her anger and contempt and _he called me Kat._

Her anger dissipated just as soon as she had resolved upon hating him forever. She hadn’t been called that in nearly eight years, he had always been the only one to shorten her name that way. It was like a piece of her had finally been returned after too long apart.

Despite it all, despite all her worst feelings and loud lamentations about their re-introduction that one humanizing name made her feel so content. She was still Kat to him.

Maker but she was so relieved that he had made it out of Kinloch, the reports must have been exaggerated. She was proud he seemed to be doing so well for himself, _a Knight Captain at such a young age_. Her best friend still lived and had escaped the Blight, no doubt with his sweetheart and if he could find love, then one day she might too. His existence gave her sense of hope that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Her tears subsided, she stood and dusted herself off.

Despite her fluctuating feelings. Her back and forth, there was one certain conclusion she had made. Under no circumstances did she ever want to see him again.

* * *

Kat was able to console herself enough to make it over to the Darktown clinic where Annie was working and she hoped it wasn’t obvious she had been crying.

She slipped inside and waited till her sister had seen out the last of Anders patients for the day. Annie’s face darkening as she saw her disheveled clothes and dried blood.

‘Sweet Andraste what happened to you?’ Annie huffed as she brought over a little cloth and some disinfectant.

‘I’m ok, I got into a bit of a scuffle’ Kat didn’t even wince as Annie tended to her wounds, the health potion having already had time to seal her cuts and abrasions. Her sister must have noticed that the blood on her face and arms had no source, but wisely detected the elder’s underlying nervousness and decided not to mention it.

Instead she complained about her _gaming_. ‘Katie’ she sighed ‘You need to stop this. One time you are going to get yourself killed.’

Kat almost laughed _that’s not the first time someone has said that to me today._ ‘I’ll be fine.’

Annie rolled her eyes; she knew where her sister had picked up that un-ladylike habit ‘Please, You always look out for me so let me take care of you too…’

She set aside the bowl of disinfectant and started dabbing some unknown paste on her still forming bruises. ‘I’ve been asking around and Anders says he might be able to get a job for you at their friends’ favorite tavern. You know he’s going on expedition soon with those Dwarves, this could be a good opportunity to have a steady income as while he is away as I doubt I’ll be able to treat as many people, I’m no spirit healer.’

‘I-‘ Kat tried to interject, to possibly protest but her sister continued on, choosing not hear her.

‘It would be nights to begin with, but that would mean you can still walk me to and from work seeing as you insist. So I see it as a win-win!’

Annie looked at her hopefully; she wondered how long the younger girl had been planning this speech. Kat thought seriously about the offer. At the moment her priority was to get Annie out of Darktown and to avoid seeing Cullen Rutherford. A stable wage would certainly help with the prior and as for the latter…Anders was vocally ‘anti-establishment’ and she couldn’t imagine any haven for him and his friends’ would be frequented by Templars. _Especially not such a high ranking one_.

Annie was right, it was a win-win.

‘Ok’ she agreed

‘But it c- wait, what. You agree?’

‘Yes’

‘YES!’ She squealed and gave her sister a quick hug ‘That is great news. ANDERS SHE SAID YES!’

Kat heard an answering chuckle from the back room and almost giggled herself at Annie’s rarely seen exuberance. It was a nice change from her often serious demeanor.

‘Now’ she asked feeling emboldened ‘Are you going to tell me what happened?’

Katherine remembered their company. Anders was a sweet heart most of the time, but she had heard his anti-Chantry tirades, his scathing assessment of the Circle system. She didn’t think mentioning her literal knight in shining armor would go down well here.

Sensibly she opted to delay the conversation ‘When we get back home. Come on we can pick up some dinner on the way.’

* * *

Annie spat out her tea ‘Cullen’s alive?!’

‘Yes’

‘And he saved you?’

‘Yes’

‘And he thought you were a boy?’

‘Yes’

A small furrow appeared on her sister’s brow ‘I don’t know if I want to kick him or kiss him.’

Kat could only agree as she brushed out her still damp hair ‘my predicament exactly.’

They had stopped by the public baths after eating. The ancient Magisters may have been the root of all evil in Thedas, but she couldn’t fault their plumbing. The Kirkwall bathhouse was free, hot and just what was needed after the day she had had. Annies long hair always took hours to dry so they had taken to bathing on an evening shortly after arriving in the city, now they took their bedtime tea in their nightgowns as had become their little ritual.

Her sister was thoughtful as she pondered this new information ‘Well could you speak to him about getting a job in the Circle? It would be better paid than the tavern.’

‘No! No, I-‘ she hadn’t meant to snap, but she didn’t think she could find the words to vocalize her hurt. For all she was glad he was alive there was still a tiny lingering lump of resentment wedged in her gut, being in his presence would only help that negativity further take root. Better she be happy at a distance than risk more hurt.

Annie rubbed her arm in understanding and didn’t press any further.

‘There’s more’ Katherine sighed, pulling the coin purse out from under the mattress where she had been sat.

Annie’s eyes widened at the sight of so much gold. ‘Knicker weasels, he gave you this?’

‘Yes, well he said it was for you’ she added as a quick afterthought and ignored the skeptical eyebrow her sister raised.

‘As much as it would do some good down at the clinic. I can’t believe he meant this all for me…’

Kat chose to ignore the leading comment ‘You should take it –‘

‘Katherine, this money would be a drop in the ocean compared to what we really need at the clinic. But it could help _us_ put a deposit down on somewhere out of Darktown-‘

Unbidden feelings of failure assaulted her, they had been nearly six months in Kirkwall and her sister was still living in a hovel, what kind of guardian was she. Swallowing the lump in her throat she spoke ‘I will get you out of here Annie. Just give me some time; I don’t need his charity for that.’

‘Makers Breath Stop it!’

Kat looked up in shock as her usually serious sister raised her voice.

‘Did you think I didn’t notice when you were cutting out your meals? Or that I was happy when you started to risk yourself everyday just to provide for us?’

She couldn’t hold her sisters glare and for the first time in a decade felt very much like a child being scolded.

‘For once in your life let someone else take care of you!’

Kat studied her feet intently ‘But- he abandoned us all, lied by omission. I thought, I thought he was-’

‘And no amount of coin can buy your forgiveness, I understand. But it can buy food, it can by safety. It might not make you happy but it can make amends.’

Annie sat by her on the little bed and shuffled closer to her sister, her tone no longer accusatory but sympathetic.

‘I barely remember him, but I can’t imagine…for all your years apart, for whatever promises he may have broken I can’t believe he would be happy to see his best friend destitute.’

He had seemed remorseful she supposed. It would take her a long time to save the amount of money he had gifted them and this would help her get Annie safe sooner, that mattered more than her pride.

‘When did you get so smart?’ she teased nudging her sibling.

Annie shrugged ‘I’ve had the best teacher for quite some time.’

* * *

They moved out of Darktown. It wasn’t quite the idyllic little shop with the apartment above that Kat had planned. But it had separate bedrooms, not that she could afford a bed quite yet, still it was a start.

The landlord was skeptical when they first came to view the property, and seemed a most unhelpful and dismissive person, at least till they paid the bond and three month’s rent in full. As she handed over the gold pieces she wondered just how fantastic the whores were at that brothel that he would need so much money. It wasn’t like Cullen would even need to pay, _he had grown up very tall and was not at all bad looking. _Then she remembered how easily he had become flustered, how quickly he had dropped her arm the moment she announced she was female and laughed at the thoughts as the puzzle pieces clicked. He may be handsome and admirable but he was still an awkward twelve year old in her eyes.

Katherine settled into her new routine as well as she could have hoped. She always made time to drop Annie off to and from the clinic, her sister still attending despite Anders current absence. Her new wage and tips more than covered the rent meaning she could put a little aside each month. She may have still dabbled with the occasional card game, but no one in the Hanged Man played fair so her winnings were incidental and more likely attributed to luck than skill. 

Now instead of hanging around the town square all day trying to tempt people into her borderline illegal card games she instead spent most of the daylight hours sleeping, ensuring she was rested enough to make it through her night shift at the Hanged Man.

The tavern was a little rough, but the patrons knew she was there to work and for the most part left her be. Some of the regulars were colorful to say the least. Almost all of Anders friends’ had gone on an expedition with him but the few who remained kept an eye on her. Isabella had a permanent room and was always on hand to help her deal with any guests who became a little handsy after their drinks. The Rivaini, when not otherwise engaged also loved spending the dull early morning hours regaling Kat with explicitly detailed tales about her conquests.

The stories made Katherine blush something terrible but also made her rather curious and she found herself not so subtly eyeing up some of the younger men that came in. Would she like to kiss someone with a beard or without? Would they mind that she was wearing men’s clothes? Would it feel good to go further than kissing? For the first time in her life she had leisure enough to ruminate on these thoughts, sometimes at great length.

She never acted on any of her ideas or the suggestive proposals that were thrown her way, but it was enough to make her feel a little pretty at least and for now the odd admiring glance was flattery enough.

After several weeks pay she finally felt financially secure enough to spend some of her well-earned coin. And so, with her recent wages in hand she headed over to the market and seeing no Templars about spent a good hour perusing the stalls. She bought some flat simple slippers to wear after the long nights on her feet; even her well-worn boots became uncomfortable after a while. The bejeweled combs and expensive accessories were looked over longingly but she didn’t even tempt herself by asking after the price. Several silvers were spent purchasing some pleasant smelling soaps and oils, _Annie will be over the moons the next time we go to the baths together. _

The merchant also sold all kinds of beautiful ribbons and fabrics. Kat didn’t need a ribbon, not yet anyways. She had finally started growing her hair out again, it almost reached her shoulders now but it would never again be the waist length waves of her youth. Then, tucked in behind the busy table, was a rack of old dresses. She assumed they were meant for rags but one of them, a pretty greenish-grey with simple embroidery around the collar stood out to her. It was probably an apprentice piece from a local dressmaker. The hem would need to be let out a little for her height, and she would need to carry on eating regularly if she was going to fill it out properly but the price was good, and it was too well crafted to be shredded.

She bought it at once.

_A new dress!_ She almost giggled as she rushed home. The second she got through the door all other purchases were cast aside along with her pants and shirt and she slipped the dress on over her head, her slippers were retrieved and added to the ensemble. They may not have owned a mirror but she didn’t need one to look down at herself and spin around somewhat childishly.

It didn’t matter that it was a little baggy or a couple of inches too short, it was her first new dress since before her mother had died and it was enough to make her feel like a princess.

_I bet he wouldn’t think I looked like a boy wearing this._ Kat scolded herself and felt foolish for even thinking about Cullen.

She hadn’t seen him since that day months ago. She never saw him patrolling and he never came to her place of work…at least until the night he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Kat is saying 'I'm back bitches!'


	8. The Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly dragging this story back into fluffy territory

Cullen POV

_But that wasn’t to be. We were both scarred and bitter from the Blight. I couldn’t have predicted that we would heal each other. You were certainly persistent at the start._

*****

The scream was still on his lips as he bolted upright in bed.

Cullen didn’t cry over his nightmares anymore. The horrors conjured up in the fade were now almost as familiar to him as the waking world. However it still took several seconds for his mind to realize that _it’s not real_ and for his breathing to begin to slow. Standing on shaking legs he moved to his slit of a window for air, judging by Satina’s position it could only be a little after midnight meaning he’d not even had two hours sleep. Yet for all his exhaustion he couldn’t bear the thought of trying to rest once more.

Carding his fingers through his damp curls he gave a pitiful groan before proceeding to dress in his simple shirt and pants, lighting a candle to chase away some of the shadows and lingering impressions of Desires’ torture.

_Will it never end?_ Cullen lamented and recounted all the different kinds of fixes and supposed cures he had attempted for his broken mind.

He had tried increasing his Lyrium dosage hoping the trauma would pass with time, tonight’s dreams were still vivid and his heart rate was not yet steady so that seemed to be another failure. Cullen had suspected his nightmares would worsen when he dropped his dosage down but he hadn’t quite anticipated for the revival to be quite so bad. He couldn’t lament the decision too much, he needed to get his addiction back under control; he should not be taking more than the other men. He’d seen what out of control or progressed dependence on Lyrium could do and shuddered at the thought of those elderly Templars glassy unseeing eyes.

He had tried prayer. At Grenfell he knelt for days in the Chantry, begging for succor from Andraste till his throat was hoarse with effort and his knees collapsed from under him as he tried to stand.

_Such faith, such devotion_, he was praised by the Lay Sisters who had recommended prayer as the only solution to his troubles. Their praise meant nothing when the nightmares still came.

He had tried physical activity. Exhausting his body with extra rotations and night patrols. Exhausting his mind with extensive study of Chantry texts and detailed histories. Volunteering, even before he became Knight-Captain, to lead morning drills. All in the hopes that when he eventually came to rest it would be fitful, it rarely was.

He had tried the more coarse methods of relief, drinking and women. While he was on leave before his departure to Kirkwall he spent many a night in the surplus taverns of Jader. The alcohol had cost him a small fortune, in a way he was lucky his looks meant he didn’t have to pay for the meaningless physical comfort too. But any relief was temporary and in truth left him with more memories of awkward mornings than pleasant evenings. Since coming to the Gallows, with his new position he hadn’t had the time or inclination to seek company again.

_Who would want you?_ He thought as he studied his reflection by the dim candlelight. He looked perpetually tired and cross, the proof etched in his permanent scowl and dark purple circles. His temper although a little short as a boy was now always ready to snap at the slightest provocation or frustration. He felt it rising now as he paced around his small room, the itching for more blue, the thirst that could never be quenched, the feeling of the walls closing in around him. He slammed his hands down loudly on the dresser, just to hear something beyond his own ragged breathing and taunting thoughts.

The fear of isolation, the claustrophobia…There was a reason he spent his days standing guard in the Gallows courtyard when a junior knight could quite adequately fill the role. Or taking on missions to the city or wounded coast when as an officer he should be more concerned with the comings and goings _inside_ the circle. When he was younger he loved nothing more than peace, quiet and near solitude. Now he despised the loneliness his position and his history had led him to.

Cullen couldn’t stay in his room a moment longer.

Leaving his plate and shield by the door he fastened his sword to his hip, grabbed his cloak and stepped out into the dark corridor.

The Gallows had a small officer’s mess hall that had some alcohol. It was close by should he, in the very unlikely event, decide that he’d be able to take further rest. But he could almost imagine the silence that would prevail the moment he would enter the hall. His men would be skittish, frustrated at their stoic seniors presence. Just because he was miserable didn’t mean he wanted to project that sorrow onto others or spoil their well-earned leisure time.

In truth he craved anonymity and so deciding against remaining in the Circle headed over to the docks. The ferry service ran constantly, the young lad operating it tonight was bleary eyed and clearly didn’t pay him even the slightest bit of attention.

The breeze as he made the quick crossing cooled his face, already making him feel a little better;_ it was the right decision to come outside _he thought as he studied the stars overhead. The stars always helped him feel small again, that his troubles really were so very tiny in the grand scheme of things. They were steady, safe, dancing their way across the sky night after night for anyone who happened to glance up. They were the same whether you had everything or nothing, were happy or sad. Unbidden he wondered if perhaps she was looking up at this same sky.

_Kat_, not a day had gone by when he hadn’t thought of her since their accidental meeting. It had been months and yet the sight of her having obviously endured so much, yet still full of pride and strength both shamed and awed him. Maker but he wanted to apologize to her, to somehow make amends for all his time away, his failure as a friend, for his cross words that day. If only he could find her.

He stepped off at the harbor side and seeing the nearest local inn still lit up and bustling with patrons made his way towards it at once. No one would know him there; it was busy enough that an unarmored, unremarkable individual like himself would be able to blend in.

_It’s certainly lively_ he thought as he made his way over to the bar. He perched on a stool there and signaled for a beer without raising his eyes. Later, perhaps when he paid his bill he could ask the barkeep if the two sisters had ever made their way through here. Though he wasn’t hopeful he had exhausted almost every other avenue of investigation.

Despite searching while on patrols during the day and making discrete inquiries around Darktown he could find no trace of his long lost friend. Perhaps she had decided to return to Fereldan with the coin he had gifted her or perhaps she had been captured by the slavers that seemed to infest the city. His mind swerved from one extreme to the next. Safe and in danger. Happy and hurting.

He just wished he could be certain either way.

In truth he had started to think he may have imagined her existence. It wouldn’t be the first time he had done so as he was still haunted by the memory of her appearing before him in Fereldan. Madness, from his captivity, from his addiction really didn’t seem like such an unreasonable notion. It wouldn’t do to ruminate; tonight he just wanted the quiet buzz of alcohol and white noise to drown his thoughts.

Cullen’s beer was nicely chilled and not at all watered down. _I can see why this place is so popular_, he sipped it thoughtfully and let the hum of the bar anchor his thoughts.

No, he wasn’t yet mad. She had been real, her plight, her words, her scathing assessment of his value of a brother had all been real. And he knew so because of the irate looking mercenary now striding angrily towards him. _So much for anonymity._

_Marion._ It had been a mistake to bring her into Templar business but without the bribe he had given to Kat he’d had little choice. He could only hope she had made good use of it seeing as he now had to deal with frustrating Fereldan.

‘How dare you show your face here Knight-Captain!’ Cullen barely looked up from his drink as she came to stand in front of him, could she not tell that he was not in the mood for her trivial arguments today.

‘Messere Hawke, I had heard you were back. I’m not here to fight with you about mage rights…again.’

‘You took my brother from me’ she hissed.

The younger Hawke sibling had warned him that his sister would be unhappy when she heard the news, judging from the hand now gripping his shirt he could consider than an understatement. At least the Dwarf standing beside her had the gall to look sheepish as his friend threatened him.

Cullen was unimpressed at her bluster ‘Ser Carver asked me for the position. He _is_ a skilled warrior.’ Silently adding that he had promised himself to try and help more of his displaced countrymen after seeing how Katherine and her sister must have struggled.

‘He’s too young!’ She snapped back.

Ignoring the tugging at his shirt he replied calmly ‘I joined the Templars when I was thirteen and I was considered old.’

‘You’ve turned him into a Zealot.’

He had to refrain from rolling his eyes at Hawkes’ naivety, to her all Templars were evil but she didn’t know, so few people would ever truly understand the risk magic posed. Finally a small trickle of frustration seeped into his tone. ‘I have given him employment when none would. If you were so concerned about his well-being you should have used your contacts in the Carta, Chantry or City guard to secure his livelihood before you went gallivanting off for months.’

The grip on his shirt tightened at his goading ‘you smug bastard-’

‘Hawke’ a pale hand came to rest on the Marion’s fist.

Cullen’s eyes snapped up at the lilting Fereldan voice he’d been longing, no desperate to hear again. _She’s here, Katherine…_ An Abomination could have crawled its way into the inn and it wouldn’t have been able to draw his attention away from the young woman stood before him. A faint blush painting her cheeks despite her otherwise appearance of calm.

Hawke looked almost as shocked as he at the sudden interloper ‘Kitty? You don’t normally intervene with the bar fights’ she noticed Cullen’s awestruck expression. ‘Are you friends with this one? I thought you had better taste’ she spat, her steely blue eyes once again studying him, but Cullen only had eyes for his gentle advocate.

Kat shrugged but her hand didn’t move ‘I’m not his friend. I’m his sister’s friend. And I can promise you that if you hurt her baby brother she will swim over the waking sea and crush every last bone in your body frying pan.’

Hawke’s eyebrows raised and she looked once more between Kat and Cullen her gaze calculating.

He didn’t know whether Katherine had said the words intentionally or if it was pure chance but the hand on his shirt loosened and all the fight fell out of the brash warrior. It was possibly the only thing that could have been said in that instant to make the mercenary back down.

Somewhat surprisingly a wry grin broke out on the Hawke’s face and she gently tapped his cheek giving a small laugh at his startled expression.

She stepped back and shook her head in amusement ‘Little brothers. Annoying pricks the lot of you. See you next time Curly.’ She winked and strode out with her odd collective in tow.

An unimaginably awkward silence now hung between the two remaining parties. Kat was studying her feet and Cullen’s eyes were rooted to her face as he silently begged her to speak.

Finally she cleared her throat and glanced up through her tousled hair, it was a little longer than when he last saw her ‘Curly?’

Cullen saw the faintest smile touch her lips and so replied in turn, his half smirk poorly concealed ‘Kitty?’

Her nose scrunched up and she let out an endearing groan of annoyance. Well at least she hated her nickname as much as he hated his own. However that was the end of their conversation as she moved away to tend to the queue that had built up in her short absence from the bar.

* * *

An hour passed. Cullen had studiously avoided looking at his newly rediscovered friend and had failed miserably in his endeavor. Every time she felt his eyes on her she would scowl and turn her back to him or move out of his line of sight entirely to attend a table. _I should leave_ the loneliness of his position was still wedged firmly in his heart. She was clearly uncomfortable with his presence and it wasn’t fair on him to impose on her anymore then he would his own men. His drink had long been empty but as if to signal his intentions he drained the dregs of his cup once more.

As soon as his tankard hit the stained wooden bar in front of him she was before him. Standing with her arms crossed and clearly unhappy that she would need to speak to him in order to either refill his drink or settle his tab.

If only there was something he could say to break the tension, to restart their awkward albeit long overdue conversation.

‘I wrote to Mia!’

‘Did you write M-‘

Her eyes widened at their crossing of words and Cullen unconsciously rubbed at the back of his neck in embarrassment.

‘So, you know. That’s done’ he said feebly. _Maker’s Breath_ but he really wished he was a better orator of his feelings.

She looked at his nervous gesture at his downcast eyes and without asking drew him another beer. No more words were said before she moved away but he supposed that was an invitation to stay a little longer, so he did.

* * *

When she next approached him whilst wiping down the spilled alcohol and foam from the bar he felt emboldened or perhaps his two beers had loosened his tongue enough to speak first.

‘You look better.’ It was supposed to be a statement but his hesitancy made it sound like a question.

She didn’t glance up from her work ‘Last time you saw me I had just been beaten bloody by a group of four thugs, so that’s not exactly a compliment.’

‘I mean, ah.’ _Andraste help him_ what did he mean? She no longer looked like a half-starved urchin, her clothes looked a little newer she looked healthier. He cleared his throat ‘Your hair –‘ he said feebly.

This time she did snap her eyes up to his and grasped at her still short tresses, embarrassment clouding her face and immediately on the defensive ‘You mean I don’t look like a boy anymore?’ She snarled in irritation.

Cullen raised his hands to protest ‘N-No, no I just- Maker’s Breath!‘ he hadn’t meant to offend her; he was so bad at this.

Obviously she found his discomfort humorous as she gave a quiet snort in amusement ‘For a Knight you are terribly unchivalrous.’

And then she walked away again.

Cullen slipped down on his stool and pinched the bridge of his nose. He’d tried to comment on her well-being and only ended up offending her more. Unchivalrous was a most polite way of describing how much of a fool he had just been.

He resolved he wouldn’t speak to her again. At least not unless she spoke to him first. Or if it was in greeting, or to inquire after Annie…yes never again.

* * *

‘Why are you here?’ He almost sighed with relief as her voice once again drifted up over the din. She was standing far enough away for their conversation to seem incidental and was busy cleaning some glasses.

He eyed her hesitantly; she still looked annoyed that he was here and wondered why she was bothering to speak to him at all. Of course with the beer loosening his tongue he said as much ‘Do you really want to know or are you just making small talk to hopefully get a bigger tip?’

At his complaint she let out a tinkling laugh, covering her mouth as she did so and tilting her head as she replied.

‘Can’t both be true?’

He was thoughtful in his response ‘Forgive me, I do not always trust motives upon first glance.’

Katherine arched a brow at his almost somber reply ‘You’ve gotten bitter in your old age.’

Cullen couldn’t mask the scoff of irony ‘It must be like looking in a mirror?’

‘Yes, I suppose that is hypocritical of me’ her reply was quiet.

She poured him another drink.

* * *

And so the evening carried on into early morning. Each avoiding glancing at each other at least till they thought the other was distracted, Kat eventually breaking her self-imposed distance and coming to ask him a terse question or two before returning to work. The other patrons in the tavern unawares of the protracted conversation playing out before them as they either departed to their beds or passed out drunk on the tables.

‘Why didn’t you come to the South Reach after the Blight?’

Cullen looked sadly into his drink; he had switched to water a little while ago. He owed her an answer almost as much as anyone and yet he couldn’t provide one. Not now, probably not ever.

Besides what could she imagine that was worse than the truth? She left to begin cleaning up the tables when he remained silent, sighing as she did so.

* * *

He idly wondered if she still sang in her free time, especially her lullaby. _Would it be rude to ask?_

Cullen watched as she rubbed at her eyes tiredly, the bar now pristine and ready for the new day to begin. At least now he knew why he hadn’t seen her around during the daytime.

‘Sun’s almost up, don’t you have a job to do oh powerful Knight-Captain’ she stood before him with her arms crossed defensively.

Yes, he did have a job, he had his dream. All he had ever wanted to do was protect people and he was. Cullen knew the wider public were safe from the dangers of magic because of the work the Templars did. It was trying at times especially with the ever rising tensions in the Circle but it was the life he had chosen for himself.

Yet Kat was here, working nights in a Tavern when she was born to be a Lady. That didn’t feel fair to him, not as he sensed the hint of vulnerability in her question or her renewed embarrassment about her appearance. Katherine, despite her men’s clothes did not look like a boy. She looked… He’d fumbled it earlier but she did look better, a lot better. She looked like she belonged in higher society, probably on the arm of a Bann, not to be here with him and the sleeping drunkards.

‘Kat, can I come back?’ He said suddenly, feeling emboldened after his reflections.

He’d made the whole evening awkward for the both of them, he had no right to demand her time, not after he’d given nothing in return but he wanted to be here for her, he wanted to -

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

_Oh_ his shoulders sagged. But he saw the way she chewed at her lower lip, how she was looking at anything but him and he _knew_ that if she was anything like her childhood self she was deflecting.

‘Please?’ he asked again softly ‘Not often, I won’t pester you. I won’t even talk to you if that’s what you would prefer.’

Still no answer, _that’s actually a hopeful sign._

‘You see Mia, well after I got past the first three pages of expletives she did mention you were in Kirkwall and asked me to check in on you from time to time…’

This time her jaw clenched as he invoked his sisters name just as she had done earlier ‘And well, you know her better than me…’

‘And whose fault is that?!’ Cullen looked up at her sudden outburst. She stepped out from behind the bar and stood before him, studying him as if he were a puzzle.

After she was seemingly satisfied with her scrutiny of his motives she gave a terse nod ‘Ok, but I don’t want any more pity from you, or charity handouts.’

Cullen readily agreed ‘Of course’

‘And you’d better tip well!’

He felt himself smirk and at that prompt handed over all the coin on his person, it would have covered several more drinks than he had consumed but he’d have given her the shirt from his back if she asked for it. ‘Absolutely’ he agreed. _Anything_ he thought.

She gave him a coy smile in return; it was highly disarming ‘Can I call you Curly?’

He laughed, her smile wasn’t quite pretty enough to get him to agree to _that_ ‘Only if I can start calling you Kitty?’

She rolled her eyes at him and laughed ‘Touché.’

She opened the door for him, the first rays of the new day flooded into the previously dark space.

‘Well then. I’ll bid you good morning Cullen.’

He felt lighter than he had in years as he took his leave ‘Good morning Kat.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has shown your support so far. Your comments keep me motivated :) 
> 
> Next time: more loveliness!


	9. The Hanged Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff to see you through the weekend x

_Katherine POV_

_Persistent, like a dog with a bone as our parents used to say. You unearthed my long dormant emotions, made me remember that it was ok to have dreams and to want more from life than merely survival._

*****

Katherine walked briskly home after her rather odd night. It was a little later in the morning than she usually made the journey, the market traders were already arriving to set out their stalls for the day hopefully Annie wouldn’t be too worried or set off to work without her.

_Cullen_, he had found her completely by chance it seemed and for whatever reason had decided to remain the whole night at the tavern. The first time she gave him a refill was just good business. If he was going to sit there and sulk at least let him be paying for the privilege, the second was a little out of pity. Out of his armor and remorseful he hadn’t appeared like the stern Knight-Captain who had rescued her all those months ago. Maybe work was proving difficult, maybe he had had a falling out with his sweetheart, whatever the reason the short bursts of conversation they exchanged throughout the night seemed to ease his tension. By the end of the night she may have even confessed to finding his company pleasant. Shewwould never admit it but she had enjoyed his mostly silent presence so much that when he started to ask for water instead of more alcohol she'd turned a blind eye. Fortunately they hefty tip he left more than made up for his inexpensive tastes.

What had happened to him? The way he just sat there when Hawke was threatening... She was certain that he wouldn’t have defended himself.

It was not self-destructive behavior but was undoubtedly indicative of self-loathing _but why?_ He had his dream, he had respect. Katherine shook her head; it was stupid of her to dwell on his mood;

It was even more stupid of her to have intervened in the fight. It had been months since she had practiced with her daggers. And she knew Hawke was a quick with her fists as she was with her words.

He just seemed so defeated, a crueler mind may have deemed it some kind of justice for his abandonment, but Kat knew the thousand yard stare, she’d seen it on her own face often enough. She may still be angry and more than a little resentful at his treatment of her, but she wouldn’t wish suffering upon him. Besides, Mia would have had her head if she had ever found out she’d let him knowingly hurt himself.

She gave a quiet snort of amusement, at the absurdity of it all.

Maker knew she had been purposefully thorny towards him, she still wasn’t sure if he even deserved her time or attention. But he’d persisted in his visitation despite her all but ignoring him for the first few hours of his patronage. She had dawdled in her clean up, giving him ample opportunity to slip out of the door undetected and without the need of an awkward goodbye. But he’d waited to take his leave properly, like a gentleman.

_‘Good morning Kat’_ he had said, a warmth fondness filling her limbs at the recollection. Usually when she closed up she received either indecent propositions from men twice her age and who she was certain were married, or was bade farewell with the grunts of drunkards she had needed to help outside. So it was rather nice to be bade farewell in such a manner. 

_At least he has written to Mia_ that was a blessed relief. Her own scant correspondence back to Fereldan had been notably absent of any mention of the long lost brother. Kat had been determined to not share his whereabouts till he himself had given up his cowardice and reconnected with his family. Now he had done so she would be able to send Mia fresher information, it would be nice to be able to write with full honesty again.

All in all it had been an enjoyable evening’s work. Yet for all his assurances Kat honestly didn’t expect to ever see him again.

* * *

So a month later, when she was halfway through a round of diamond back, she almost spat out her lemon shandy when he once again made his way to the Hanged Man.

His golden eyes clearly sought her out a the bar, a small scowl on his face as he noted her absence till he eventually spotted her sitting down to the game with Hawke and her friends. Seeing her own no doubt shocked stare he quickly looked away sheepishly and sat with his back to her at the bar.

At the end of the hand she excused herself and tended to her patrons, saving Cullen for last as she assumed he wanted to pick up their strained but not entirely unwelcome conversation from his last visit.

‘Just an ale please’ he said when she approached hardly even raising his eyes.

_No conversation then_ she thought at his abrupt tone.

As she set his drink in front of him he murmured his thanks, suddenly there were a few loud hoots from the card table. Cullen’s eyes flicked over to the noisy group before returning to study the drink in his hands.

‘Do you play?’ She asked, shocking the both of them with her, for once, un-hostile question.

He gave a small shake of his head ‘Ah, a little but not well.’ Kat was somewhat surprised. She remembered how combative he used to get with their own game of Templar and Apostate and the running feud he had with Mia over chess. Perhaps it was for the best he didn’t play cards, not one soul in this establishment played fair, herself included, if he was still the same competitive boy from her youth then he would lose a small fortune.

‘Let me know if I can get you anything else’ she said leadingly as he had yet to venture a return question.

‘I will, thank you Kat’ _not even a small smile today?_ She thought at his polite but cool thanks.

Ah well, he was a grown man, if he wasn’t forthcoming with conversation she was under no obligation to speak for him, at least he remembered the manners his parents taught him. And in truth she didn’t care enough to press the subject instead returning to the card table for a few more hands.

Katherine hated to admit it but the level of cheating almost made the games no longer fun. Fortunately her company was good and that more than made up for her few lost coins. Returning to her post she began preparing Cullen a fresh drink ‘Another?’ 

He stood as he spoke ‘No, thank you. I won’t take up your time.’ Her eyebrows raised and she stopped pouring the pint. _You could take up a little_ she thought gloomily. He must have noticed her confusion at his sudden wish to depart as he pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered a curse under his breath. ‘Forgive me, I just wanted to check in as I promised. Are you are Annie in need of anything?’

‘Not at present’ she replied a little on guard, her brow furrowing as he gave a small inclination of his head in farewell.

‘Very well, I will leave you to your work. Good night.’

He left as abruptly as he had arrived; he also left a excessively large tip considering he only had one drink and despite her teasing during his last visit she did feel a little uncomfortable as she scooped up the coins. Should she run after him to return it? Makers breath she didn’t actually want to guilt trip him into visiting, this almost felt like blackmail.

She sighed as she studied the now closed door. Maybe she had been a bit snappy with him last time. Cullen surely must not have taken any pleasure from their re-connection as he now seemed so eager to be out of her sight. This time his visit had been a surprise, if he ever turned up again she would think it a miracle.

Feeling slightly less guilty now she was convinced he would try to avoid coming to see her again she pocketed her coins, keeping a couple out and flipping them across her fingers with dexterity as she sauntered back over to the card table.

‘Curly not staying?’ Varric questioned as she retook her seat.

She shrugged her shoulders and spoke in a clipped tone ‘apparently not.’

Hawke didn’t miss the small glance Kat sent over to the door again. ‘Don’t worry about him; he’s probably just got his panties in a twist after a few of his charges managed to escape.’

‘Mages?’ Kat swallowed. While she wasn’t overly fearful of magic she had been brought up Andrastian. She knew why Mages were supposed to be in circles, for their own protection and the safety of the community at large. Although the details were still sketchy surely the fall of the Kinloch hold had proved that to an extent? Then again Anders was here, and apart from one rant she had witnessed where his eyes had flashed blue she had never feared for her safety around him. He was a healer, who knows how many lives he had saved not mention he had given Annie her employment.

Hawke snorted in amusement ‘No doubt Meredith has chewed his ear off.’

The mercenary leaned over conspiratorially towards Katherine ‘You know. Word has it that you dabbled a bit as a rogue, we could always use another skilled fighter to champion our cause.’

_Annie has been talking again_ Kat thought while fixing her face with a flattered but uninterested smile ‘Oh no, I am staying well out of politics thank you!’

‘Ah well worth a shot’ the game continued.

A while later, after even more drinks had been consumed Isabella spoke up ‘Bit of a pity the pretty Knight-Captain left. I wouldn’t mind trialing some of that Templar stamina.’ Kat had to bite her tongue and hoped no one noticed her flush. _Cullen is spoken for_ she painfully recalled.

‘You wouldn’t?’ Hawke laughed, Anders looked faintly annoyed and Fenris seemed as uninterested as always.

Brazen as always the Rivaini continued ‘I would! They wear all that metal all day, every day. I bet he’s built like ox under those skirts of his.’

Kat choked slightly on her drink, making her cough and no doubt further reddening her already scalding face. She wished she was allowed to drink alcohol on the job, the thought of Cullen and Isabella together would much better be forgotten.

‘Now now’ Varric intervened ‘you’ve nearly killed Kitty with your bawdiness.’

The pirate just laughed and tapped Kat affectionately on her hand ‘Nonsense! Listen my lovely, don’t you bother with that one he’ll be trouble mark my words.’

‘I wasn’t intending on-‘

She was interrupted with a wink ‘There’s plenty to go around here if you are looking for someone to warm your bed.’

This was safer territory, flirting she could deal with much better than teasing about her childhood sweetheart. 'Bella as lovely as you are I’m afraid you just don’t have the right parts for me’ Kat replied sweetly.

She heard an answering scoff ‘Not with that attitude. Tell me have you ever heard of pegging?’

By the end of the card game Kat had resolutely decided upon one thing _I must be the worlds most experienced virgin._

* * *

Although at times humiliating, for all her associates teasing she did come to learn a lot from them, becoming worldlier and not just in regards to her sexuality. Varric and Anders often talked politics, Fenris and Isabella were well traveled, Aveline and Sebasitan were always thoughtful and measured in their responses. And Merril reminded her so much of Rosealie she found herself missing her most optimistic of friends.

Hawke was like her, in that she was originally a Fereldan refugee and big sister, but so unlike her in every other way they were as night and day.

She watched the older woman intently, seeing how she could command the attention of the whole tavern, how she could flirt or wittily talk her way into any desired outcome. She had a natural magnetism that Kat certainly didn’t possess but she could possibly imitate…

At first it was simple things, projecting her voice differently during the call for last orders, faking authority she felt she didn’t naturally exude. _Just like acting really _she thought as her patrons started to respect her more and heed her words more intently.

Next she tried flirting a little more with her regulars, that certainly got her more tips and more than one proposition. That in turn got her thinking about maybe taking a lover for the first time. With the constant talk of sex around her she couldn’t help but find herself increasingly curious.

There was Micha he was an absolute sweetheart, but closer to fifty than forty, she supposed some age gap was expected but she didn’t want her first time to be with a man old enough to be her Father.

Julian was a good choice; he was tanned and tall… and tried his luck with just about any woman who came into the Hanged Man. She wanted to feel special and not to just be a notch on someone’s bedpost.

At least they had shown a genuine interest, each offering their bed on more than one occasion and Maker forgive her but she wanted to be wanted, to be pursued and desired. She was certain even Annie had some romantic involvement after catching her hastily hiding letters one morning when she got off a little early, the tell-tale pink of embarrassment on her younger sisters cheeks. This job, for all that the pay was good just didn’t bring her any real satisfaction. It was fine for now but was it so wrong to dream of something more?

‘That is a rather large sigh’ her eyes snapped up to the new customer as he slid into his now regular seat.

‘Cullen!’ She smiled before checking her enthusiasm, coughing lightly to mask the lightness in her voice and ignoring his returning smirk. ‘You were in such a hurry last time I assume I’d offended you’ she sulked, pouring him an ale before he had the chance to run away again.

‘Forgive me, I was preoccupied. You could never offend me.’

_Well at least he’s acknowledging his rudeness_ she thought as she placed his drink in front of him, hearing as he quietly added ‘although Maker knows I am always putting my foot in my mouth around you.’

‘If you are planning on staying I’ll have less of that Rutherford grumpiness!’

He looked a little shocked at her outburst ‘I’m not grumpy’ he protested, the roll of her eyes at his assertion making him chuckle into his glove ‘Perhaps a little.’

Satisfied he wasn’t going to bolt through the door she left him to his refreshment and went to clear the tables. If he was here then she wouldn’t mind speaking to him a little more. _Only for Mia’s sake of course._ She had heard from her friend recently and as expected despite not writing in over three years the letter Cullen had sent his sister was uncommunicative at best. So she agreed to check on him just as he was for her and no doubt each report back to Mia in their own time.

Work done for now she turned her attention back to her elusive guest. She’d had a lot of time to think this past month, about him, about his years away and in truth she had so many questions she was somewhat eager that he seemed to be in a talkative mood.

‘Kitty!’ Julian slurred as he approached where she was stood behind the bar. Kat was able to mask her shudder, the nickname was catching on… she hated it.

‘Cards? I’m feeling lucky’ he insisted.

‘Oh really?’ she arched a brow at his request, usually his was somewhat more forthright. Cullen looked a little bemused as he pretended to study his ale at the interloper's demanding request. Seeing her old friend somewhat entertained she readily agreed despite the interruption. ‘Sure, I can play a hand. Ladies deal of course.’

‘If I win you will give me a kiss’ her opponent said. Apparently there was no room for debate on the matter. Kat found his presumption trying, it took all her years of masking her emotions to stop her from throwing the man out there and then.

‘How bold of you, and what will I get if I win?’ she asked controlling her irritation, just because he was attractive didn’t mean she would tolerate his boorishness.

‘Ah….’ Julian pulled some coins from his pocket, counting them unbelievably slowly ‘Three sovereigns?’

‘Deal’ she said quickly. Katherine didn’t want to rob a drunken man, but he would definitely need a deterrent to stop him from pulling this stunt again. Three sovereigns seemed like a fair price. She withdrew her cards and shuffled them expertly and quickly. Feeling playful she made them jump between her hands, putting on a show and giving her opponent ample time to withdraw as she not so subtly illustrated that in no way was he going to win this game.

Cullen watched on with unconcealed amusement as the hand played out. The man boasting about his inevitable victory and then cursing the prophetess as he lost, slinking out of the Tavern thoroughly humiliated and a little poorer.

‘He had a good hand’ Cullen spoke once they were alone again, his eyes trying to read her expression but she’d had years of practice in schooling her emotions.

‘He did didn’t he’ Kat replied nonchalantly

‘I’m _very_ surprised you were able to beat him’ her eyes twinkled at his insinuation. 

‘Were you now?’ she shrugged innocently and wiped at the already clean bar top. Seeing his eyes narrow slightly at her playfulness. 

Katherine could see the wheels turning in his mind, any minute she was expecting him to ask her how she did it, not that she’d ever tell. A girl had to have her secrets.

‘Play me’ it was not a question.

Kat gave a bark of laughter at his sudden demand ‘feeling confident?’

‘Yes, I rather think I am’ he said smugly.

Oh she was so looking forward to wiping that smirk from his face. ‘Three sovereigns then, Ladies deal.’

Cullen scowled at his cards, then her own hand ‘How? I was so sure…’

‘What a pity’ she laughed and prepared to gather her winnings.

‘Deal again?’

Her eyebrows raised, _looks like he’s still competitive after all_ ‘Are you sure-‘

‘Yes’ he slammed another three coins down on the table.

He did know she wasn’t playing fair right? _Right?_ It was highly implied, if he was foolish enough to not read between the lines then she wouldn’t spell it out for him ‘Very well.’

‘Again’ he commanded.

This was getting ridiculous ‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you are already nine sovereigns down’ she said with a sigh, at this point it was just getting uncomfortable.

A look of absolute confidence and certainty crossed his face ‘And I’ve finally figured out how you are cheating, it is only fair you give me the chance to win my money back.’

‘Are you sure I'm not just excessively lucky?’ she challenged, only a little insulted that he would so openly question her honesty, _I suppose he’s not wrong._

The smirk was back ‘Certainly not, one more hand.’

Kat thought on it. She did feel guilty about all the coin he left last time. And if he didn’t lose several weeks wages this time maybe he would beiinclined to play again… She dealt the cards.

‘Ha!’ he clapped and scooped his winnings up. His ever present smirk was triumphant, his eyes sparkled with humor, pride and a little relief at his victory.

‘Now don’t be a poor winner, it doesn’t suit you’ she chastised as she packed away her cards.

He looked so happy, the happiest she had seen of him since he had found his way back into her life.

She was glad she had decided to let him win.

* * *

A week or so later she was thinking about the card game at home. Annie had a rare day off and so they were spending some time together before Kat had to head over to her shift at the Inn.

‘Andraste preserve me was that a smile?’ Annie teased as she brought two cups of tea over to the newly acquired kitchen table.

Katherine actually touched her lips at the question, shocking herself ‘What? No-‘

Her sister sounded thoughtful ‘I was sure you’d forgotten.’

‘Maker save me from teenagers’ Kat muttered. Sipping on her tea while it was still too hot just for something to do and trying to ignore the glare that Annie was fixing her with.

‘What?’ she asked with sigh.

‘I’m being serious’ Annie replied

‘Oh’ had she really been so miserable? She was beginning to think she was not as good an actress as she had hoped.

Annie perched on the table next to where Kat was sat ‘Why aren’t you happy? We have a home, we have friends and are comfortable. Many folk lost more than us in the Blight.’

How could she answer such a question without detailing her long hidden hurts? Without explaining how although their life was relatively safe she was restless, eager for more fulfillment both professionally and personally. Would saying those things not inadvertently hurt Annie who had undoubtedly found her calling in Kirkwall? 

‘I’m content’ that was true but the scowl her sister gave her signified it was not _right._

She folded her arms ‘The last time I saw you happy was when we were on the boat’

Kat did enjoy the crossing ‘So are you are suggesting I become a sailor?’

That drew a small smile from her sister ‘Although I’m certain the Captain would have given you a job if you had asked I was referring to when you performed.’

‘That was nice’ she conceded ‘but I’m not the best singer.’

Annie gave a signature eye roll ‘We’ll have to disagree on that.’

She loved singing but didn’t think she could perform ‘I can’t sing in public, it brings up too many emotions for me. I barely made it through that one song on the boat without falling to pieces!’

Annie remembered her own shed tears from that day ‘Well, maybe there’s something else you can do. You should be in front of people Katie.’

Her sister left her to her tea and her thoughts. As usual her much wiser sibling was right, she was looking for fulfillment the wrong way. Before now she had thought maybe she was missing a romantic connection, but taking a man to bed was only going to provide her temporary satisfaction _and even then only if it is as good as Marion and Isabella boasted. _

Kat didn’t want temporary. She wanted to be more than content, she wanted to be happy, she wanted love and she didn’t need a man for any of those things.

Grabbing a scrap of paper and some charcoal she set to work. She started with one word, joy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: the idea comes together and Cullen and Kat talk more about the past.


	10. The Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kat's plan is coming together!

_Katherine POV_

_That it was right to pursue joy and fulfillment, that there was space in my heart for passion. I just never expected or intended to find those things with you._

*****

Kat’s job as a bartender had long stretches of downtime. And after 3am there were normally just a few regulars or residents who remained, most of whom were usually too well into their drink to be any kind of trouble. So she found she had ample time to practice her card skills and sleight of hand. She spent hours perfecting her new art, her dexterity improved; her creativity helped her to build on the few tricks she had been shown on the sea crossing.

Within a few weeks she could make cards and coins disappear, could switch one out for the other only to have the original reappear somewhere unusual. Could misdirect and confuse and _how in the Makers name did ye do that? _became a nightly turn of phrase as she ‘performed’ for some of the more inebriated patrons.

It was perfect…if she intended to walk up to perform for everyone in Kirkwall individually. She needed something more visual, something bigger and more dramatic.

And so she planned, idly spinning and flicking her cards around and over in her hands till it was almost as easy as breathing.

‘That’s impressive’ Kat didn’t need to look up to see who had sat down beside her, a small smile tugged at her lips and she folded her deck back together.

‘I see how it is, you win one card game and now you are back to try and fleece me out of more hard earned coin.’

The now familiar chuckle reverberated and warmed her toes ‘Your coin is safe, I prefer chess’ _yes, I remember_ she thought.

‘The usual?’

‘Please.’

Cullen took a hold of her cards and studied them while she was drawing him his ale. While he was engrossed she took the opportunity to look him over. _He looks better_ Mia would be pleased to hear it when she next wrote. His eyes seemed a little less tired, his shoulders not quite so hunched. Or maybe it was just because he was more confident in his visits now; she decided it was probably a combination of the two. ‘You’re a couple of days early this month’ she commented as she placed his tankard in front of him.

‘I can leave if you’d prefer?’ He wanted it to be a teasing statement but there was still a tiny bit of hesitancy in his question.

‘No, you’re right where you should be’ she patted his hand genially and he sat up a little taller ‘I could do with the company’ she gestured around the almost deserted bar. ‘Besides I consider you a regular now.’

‘I am aren’t I’ he sounded a little pleased at the notion before fixing a smirk on his face ‘Does that make you my world-weary bartender?’

‘World-weary!’ She scoffed with her hands on her hips ‘How rude, have you forgotten that I’m younger than you.’

They both laughed quietly at her mock indignation, Katherine humming with good humor as she saw Cullen take a satisfying gulp of his drink. She was glad he had come, clearly letting him win at cards had been the right decision. It was good of him to venture out of the Gallows, she was sure that as the Knight-Captain he could spend his time among much higher society than hers. For Kat it was just pleasant to have someone talk to her who wasn’t trying to find their way into her bed.

‘I jest of course’ he added a little quietly ‘it _is_ nice to have company.’ And there it was again, he was unintentionally alluding to his loneliness and she couldn’t make sense of it. _Surely he must have friends, peers not to mention his sweetheart?_

Well whatever his reasons he was stuck with her, and she wouldn’t have him moping without due cause. A small scowl appeared on her face ‘Cullen, does this mean we are going to have to make small talk?’

At first he seemed alarmed at her change in tone before noticing the twinkle in her eye and replying equally somberly ‘I am afraid it is inevitable.’

‘The horror’ she gasped, and hearing a small snigger from her companion took her seat opposite him, settling down to talk about everything and nothing.

Kat knew she had changed almost beyond recognition, she was angry and mistrustful. Her confidence had been shattered and it had taken years to put it back together but she’d had good reason. Yet as she saw his sad downcast eyes, the small smile she had only just pulled from him already disappearing from view it seemed that her metamorphosis was nothing compared to the change experienced by her once best friend. Gone was the energetic yet thoughtful boy, the one who had been a beacon of strong will and determination, the one who was playful and yet also loved his peace and quiet. His family didn’t know why he was here; he hadn’t been forthcoming in his letters at all. If Kat was going to get the answers that were owed she would need to ask him directly.

Taking an already clean glass she began to wipe it down in front of him, putting on a show and hopefully making him feel at ease.

‘So then Knight-Captain. Tell me about yourself?’

‘Wha- what do you want to know?’ He sounded on guard at once; _oh you definitely have secrets_ she thought and felt herself give an eye roll. Honestly, he’d been absent for nearly ten years he must have a trove of stories to share. Clearly more prompting would be needed so she started small ‘How did you come to Kirkwall?’

Focused on her cleaning she missed the small smirk which tugged at his lips ‘by boat.’

Her eyes widened and snapped up to his face, he was trying very hard not to laugh at her annoyance. ‘So help me Cullen Rutherford!’

His shoulders shook as he chuckled into his hand, Katherine’s own answering laugh accompanied by playful swat on his arm.

Once their mutual laughter had died down he continued ‘Ah-’ a cloud darkened his features ‘What did you hear of Fereldan’s circle?’ he spoke quietly.

‘Just rumors that it had been overrun’ _by abominations, demons and blood-mages_ she added silently hoping he would provide the detail she sought.

He looked at her searchingly, his eyes fixed on hers till he shook his head and cleared whatever dark thought had just fleetingly been recalled. ‘Yes that’s true. And so I after I had recovered from my injuries-‘

‘You were hurt?’ she interrupted.

He ignored her question ‘- I was transferred. A fresh start they said. The Knight Commander here is stern, but I believe she takes the dangers of magic seriously. I trust her.’

Again he locked his eyes onto hers, his golden brown gaze almost pleading for her to understand. She could not, not yet. There was a lot hidden in his answer which she felt she would need time to unpack, it could come later, for now she was just relieved he was talking.

‘I’m glad you’ve got someone you can trust’ she replied with a smile.

His eyes dropped from her face ‘Yes, I suppose I do’ he rubbed the back of his neck.

‘Look at you being all optimistic. We’ll have to be careful, wouldn’t want word spreading that the Knight-Captain is going soft now would we.’

‘Kat…’ he complained at her friendly teasing again. For all his differences, for how much colder and harder he now seemed she was happy that one thing hadn’t changed with Cullen, he still blushed at the slightest provocation.

* * *

‘Bird seed, check!’ she muttered to herself as she wandered through the bustling market square. It would take time to develop some of the more complex elements of her show, she would need to start small at first but while work was good and she was flush with coin she could afford these purchases in advance.

She still had to call at the alchemist stall for some new vanishing powders, still had do find some suitable clothing to wear, _still need a name! _

Katherine still only owned the one dress that she wore on her days off at home, it was her most prized possession. They were her favorite days when she practiced her singing and dancing while no one was watching and when, if they had been able to buy the right ingredients, she dabbled once again in baking.

For this act she would need something much more theatrical than her simple grey embroidered dress. So far she had acquired some truly garish patchwork leggings; they were constructed of red and blue diamonds of fabric sewn together with visible stitching. They were certainly eye catching and had been a little long even for her legs so she had trimmed off some of the excess fabric to make matching cuffs. Stopping off at her favorite dress stall she once again sought the rack which contained the cast-offs, she hoped she could find something suitable.

Annie had suggested that she ask Cullen for some Mage’s robes. But not only did she think her friend was too straight laced to steal from his employer, the general populace were still wary around magic, even her performance would be a risky venture till people saw how harmless it was.

_‘Dog-loving scum the lot of them!’_

_‘Aye, wish the viscount would put them all back on their boats. But he won’t, not while he’s dealing with the Qunari._

_‘Honestly Kirkwall is going to the Void, mark my words’_

She sighed at the too familiar slights and insults hurled towards her fellow countrymen. It was becoming apparent that if anyone was going to take her seriously she would need to not be Fereldan.

* * *

Annie held up the _very_ short ruffled dress and looked at the matching half mask that was laying on the kitchen table ‘Katie, where on Thedas-‘

‘The Blooming Rose’ her sister gave a peal of laughter at the confession ‘I had to pay for it of course it was the only ‘Orlesian’ costume they had in stock.’

‘I see-‘ the younger sibling looked a little unconvinced at the lingerie she intended to wear as a dress, they wore more than that for sleeping.

‘I will have those leggings on underneath, and a shirt to cover my arms although I might wear if off the shoulder and the mask’ it would restrict her vision but anonymity was going to be essential ’well you know why the mask is needed.’

Annie nodded; still thoughtful in her assessment of the costume ‘It’s missing something… Oh I know!’ she disappeared into her room and came back with her sewing kit and a handful of tinkling little spheres.

‘Where on earth did you get so many bells from?’ Kat asked as her sister began pinning them at equal points around her skirt.

‘Anders’ she replied ‘He tried to order one bell for Ser Pounce’s collar but accidentally ordered one dozen. I asked for the spares thinking I could make a Satalina decoration with them but this will work.’

She watched on as her sister quickly sewed the adornments onto the frills, chewing her lip nervously as the gown neared completion. ‘Do you think this is all a terrible idea?’

She received a sympathetic smile to her question ‘No not at all, it’s nice seeing you this excited about something. How_ is_ your Orlesian?’

‘Rusty but I know enough to fool other non-speakers, my accent is convincing.’

‘That’s good, Mother would be not be happy if you forgot it all.’

Katherine readily agreed ‘Now I just need a name. What about the name of a flower. The Magical Rose or Lilac, something like that?’

Annie scrunched her nose up ‘It’s a little clichéd… how about you talk out loud about why you want this while I finish sewing and I’m sure something will come to us.’

So Kat thought while she sipped her tea. _Why did she want to do this?_

‘I’m doing this for me, mostly. Because I miss dancing and singing and being looked as something more than a barkeep or refugee.’ She gave a small scoff at her own honesty ‘I sound like such an attention seeker. But it’s more than that, I like making people happy. Like the Sailor’s when I sang, Like Cullen when I distract him from his brooding, you when I bake that citrus cake you love…’

Annie set her needle aside and shook the dress out, it jingled as she swished it about drawing a little laugh from both girls.

‘I just feel an overwhelming urge to do something creative and beautiful and to bring people joy.’

Annie was thoughtful ‘What about The Beautiful Joy, but in Orlesian?’

‘La Belle Joie?’

‘Yes!’ Annie pulled Kat up by her hands and held the dress in front of her ‘Can you imagine all your adoring fans cheering you on _Joie, Joie!_ I think it sounds uplifting and hopeful’

Katherine pulled her costume close to her and gave a small twirl. If there was one thing she had come to learn it was that Annie was always right, _La Belle Joie it is._

* * *

Keeping her plans a secret was driving Kat to distraction. She had been rehearsing almost constantly, had been acquiring more materials, make-up and refining her technique. Her sleep had been the victim of her endeavors and so even though she was currently drinking a coffee she still didn’t notice when Cullen came and sat next to her at work.

‘Are you well Kat?’ She almost jumped out of her seat at being addressed.

‘I’m going to start performing again!’ she suddenly blurted out surprising the pair of them.

It was her turn to flush with embarrassment ‘Ah, I mean hello Cullen. A drink yes?’

He chuckled into his hand ‘Yes, thank you.’

She stood to prepare him an ale ‘Singing?’ he asked a little hopefully.

‘No, I don’t really sing anymore’ _at least not in public._

His reply was quiet and a little sad ‘That is a shame, your singing is one of my happiest memories.’

If Katherine’s face was already pink from her earlier confession, upon hearing his praise she blushed scarlet. Fortunately Cullen didn’t seem to notice as his own reddened face was downcast.

He coughed to cover up their shared embarrassment. ‘What will you be doing?’ He asked after a painful silence.

‘I suppose the closest description I can give you is street theater’

‘You won’t be conning the public again will you?’ Kat’s olive green eyes snapped up to meet his own narrowed orbs as he questioned her using his ‘Knight-Captain’ voice, he usually reserved for when she was being particularly belligerent.

‘Not… exactly’ she replied feebly.

‘Kat!’ He sounded exasperated and it quickly chased away her earlier mortification.

She held her hands up in surrender ‘I will not be tricking the public into handing over any money.’

He sighed at her response ‘Good.’

‘Unless they want to’ she added quickly.

‘Maker’s Breath’ Cullen shot an irritable scowl her way which only added to her amusement. She couldn’t stop the laugh which bubbled up at his discomfort; he was such a mother-hen when he was worried.

Wiping her humorous tears away, the unexpected happiness stirred pleasant memories and bid her to ask ‘Do you?’

Cullen looked confused ‘What, hand over money to you? Not intentionally but you do keep cheating at cards.’

She felt a little silly asking now ‘No, I mean sing?’

‘No’ he responded quietly but not unkindly.

‘Oh’ that was a shame; she sat back down next to him. ‘My mother used to say you had a voice for hymns.’

Kat felt his eyes on her as she sipped her own drink ‘Yes, Mia always told me that the lay sisters wanted to castrate me so that my voice remained high.’

She spat the contents of her mouth out and descended into a coughing fit. Cullen patted her on the back till she could once again breathe ‘Sweet Maker, were they serious?’

He deadpanned ‘The sisters were always serious. I was terrified. I think that’s why I began telling everyone I was to be a Templar, that way they couldn’t keep me for their choir.’

She shook her head at the absurdity of their youth ‘Well, the Templar’s are lucky to have you.’

She was about to attempt another sip when Cullen’s hand came to rest over her wrist, she almost flinched at the gentle touch ‘I’m sorry about your Mother Kat.’

The statement floored her; she bit down on the inside of her cheek to control the surging emotions which threatened to over spill. Her eyes were watering but she had had years of holding back her tears. She was angry at him for saying this to her now and elated that he was finally offering her condolences albeit years too late. After warring within herself she replied as neutrally as she was able ‘It was a long time ago.’ His hand gave a small squeeze of pressure and then was withdrawn; she let out the breath she was holding.

‘How did she die?’ he asked softly.

Kat sighed and looked up to study the dusty chandeliers overhead ‘She got a chill, you know how she was…’

Cullen’s whisky eyes dropped to the bar in front of him ‘Maker, I have been the worst friend-‘

‘Yes’ she agreed ‘you really have.’

His hands came up to cover his face but she pried the fingers nearest to her away, threading them with hers and squeezing them firmly.

‘But I’m giving you the chance to make it up to me’ she said with a small smile.

Cullen’s posture relaxed once more, a flicker of a returning smile on his face as he used his free hand to scoop up his tankard.

‘To the future then?’ he offered as a toast.

She released her hold on his hand in order to meet him with her own cup ‘To the future.’

* * *

It was noon. The square was bustling with traders, laborers and folks from all echelons of society. The high-born nobles were taking turns to parade around the space stopping to chat to each other or admire new trinkets. Children were running amok between them shouting and giggling as they went.

Kat’s heart was racing, she didn’t dare touch her face with her sweating palms in case it smudged her rouged lips and kohl lined eyes. Checking all her pockets and pouches one last time she reached up to affix her mask to her face. Her hair was just long enough to be kept out of the way with two small ribbons near the nape of her neck, a matching one round her throat.

She knew Annie would be somewhere in the crowd, waiting and willing her on. _You can do this_ she rallied herself.

She took one more steadying breath then stepped out into the light. Her odd dress and mask already catching the attention of onlookers as she strode confidently towards a pedestal at the center of the square. She vaulted it with ease and long practiced grace. Her movements exaggerated and dramatic as began to speak.

‘Madames et Monsieurs, boys and girls. Please grant me a moment of your time, for I have such wonders to share with you all!’.

She fanned her tarot cards out in each hand, and gave an alluring smile. _It’s_ _Showtime._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally at the Magic!  
Thank you all for your ongoing support and kudos. It's keeping me very motivated x


	11. The Magician

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magic time!

_Cullen POV_

_It was almost magical the way you made me feel. You made me happy despite how very different our lives had turned out from that childish ideal._

*****

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose. This was the third time such a report had reached them and although it sounded beyond belief he could no longer leave the matter un-investigated.

The very notion that a Mage would ever consider revealing themselves in broad daylight to _perform… _even if that fact made him uneasy the other reports soon drove away his anxiety in their sheer absurdity.

He quickly scanned the eye-witness reports from the previous ‘sightings’. They only appeared for an hour at a time, around noon once a week and always vanished without a trace. They had so far avoided traditional schools of Magic and identification had proved difficult as they chose to wear a mask. They had pulled a Nug out of a hat. _They pulled a Nug out of a hat?! _Maker’s Breath was he reading that correctly?

Part of him assumed this was all just some prank, the runner who brought him the urgent note regarding the in progress display shifted nervously by the door. No, he couldn’t let this go ignored, not when there were civilians unaware of the dangers and defenceless.

_Kat_ he suddenly remembered. She had said she was going to start performing from time to time and he couldn’t stand the thought of her being caught up in this Mage’s foolishness. He’d already lost so much because of Magic, he wouldn’t risk losing her too.

He issued the command without hesitation ‘Ask Ser Carver to meet me by the Gallows docks with a representative from the Loyalist Mages in five minutes.’ The runner saluted and sprinted away to complete his urgent task.

Cullen was always armed while on duty so he only needed to grab his shield before heading out. He took the curved Silverite down from the rack by the door and, although he hoped it wouldn’t be needed, attached an extra vial of Lyrium to his belt.

It had been his idea to begin taking a Mage with them when investigating reports of an Apostate or a child that had just come into their Magic. The initiative coming about after he’d reviewed the statistics for returning newly minted or escaped Mages back to the Gallows. So often the Mages in question resorted to blood magic or became susceptible to possession. Cullen had hypothesised that by taking a senior representative to talk with the often frightened individuals they could speak for the benefits of the Circle directly, try to dispel some of the incorrect assumptions about the system and show that it was possible to thrive in their new environment.

Ser Carver too had proven to have a level head when participating in such missions and as a result the number of recoveries that turned violent was greatly decreased. Once again some of the older Knights let the Order down with their unimproved methods but despite his complaints to the Knight-Commander she was overall too impressed by the progress to worry about the few failures.

That irritated him. No Mage should be harmed, or should have to resort to blood Magic when being recovered. The difference between his success and the poor improvements seen elsewhere felt like a constant thorn in his side, it was more failures for him to bear.

More evidence of the system he believed in failing. Cullen knew the Circle wasn’t perfect; every week a new report crossed his desk about alleged abuse. He investigated but none of the Mages would testify. No one would trust him to be impartial fearing the brand should they speak out. He’d tried reassurance _the procedure is only for unharrowed or dangerous Mages_ but then that had never been case in Kirkwall. Decisions regarding Tranquillity were left to the Knight Commander, he could advise but Meredith had full agency to do as she saw fit and often he found he disagreed with her.

As he stepped onto the ferry boat with Ser Carver and Senior Enchanter Vincent he consoled himself.

She, they, _were_ keeping people safe, and that was all that mattered.

With his mission in mind they strode briskly through the busy streets of Kirkwall, the square wasn’t too far away and their progress had been quick. If the mystery Mage always appeared for a full hour at a time then they should just be able to catch the ending of her ‘performance.’ He hoped to be able to assess the danger she posed without drawing too much attention to their work. The rising tide of anti-Templar sentiment - _another headache for another day_ he grimaced, it was only a little past noon and already his thirst for more Lyrium was pulsing in his veins.

They saw the crowds first. It was large, four deep in places and yet was strangely quiet for such a mass of people.

Cullen noted some idle city guardsmen watching the display from the steps of the Viscount’s residence. Although he didn’t expect them to be tackle an Apostate on their own he couldn’t comprehend why they would permit this level of disruption to the city, especially for one that was encouraging such a dangerous fascination. Clearly he would need to be having words with the Guard Captain again.

Over the murmurs and scattered applause, loud commanding words could be heard, lilting and descriptive in their delivery. Although the accent was Orlesian Cullen had to concede that her voice pleasing on the ear. It reminded him a little of how Kat spoke when she was calling for last orders or trying to calm a rowdy gr - _oh…oh no._

He pushed his way through the throng of people with more urgency now; ignoring the grunts of disapproval or the little complaints that were hurled his way as the onlookers views were restricted by his broad armoured shoulders. _Not Kat, It can’t be Kat, she told me she wasn’t a Mage, Maker please let it not be her plea-_

The prayer dyed on his lips when he saw short dark auburn waves pulled into two short bunches with brightly coloured ribbon, it may only be the back of her head but it was no doubt that it was her. _Katherine, impossible!_

He inhaled sharply when she spun and he finally set eyes on her, any words she was saying were drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in his ears, the adrenaline and confusion ricocheting throughout his body.

Despite being covered from head to toe he had never seen an outfit so demure and yet scandalous, it was loud and provocative and couldn’t help but draw his eyes. Her long sleeved white shirt was accompanied by silken gloves, cuffed with some diamond patterned fabric which also covered the expanse of her long and lean legs. They were on full display because the dress, _Maker’s breath that dress_, was so short it looked to be little more than a tailored chemise. Matching colourful patches and bells that tinkled as she walked somehow made the indecent item of clothing look whimsical.

He couldn’t see most of her face, a black and red Orlesian style mask was perched across the bridge of her nose and it covered all but her chin and red painted lips.

_‘Something like street theatre’_ she had told him without revealing the full details. And little wonder, the way she danced around the space delighting the onlookers with her cards flying and costume twinkling. How she commanded the attention of the audience with her graceful movements and words, it was mesmerizing and beautiful _and dangerous._

Cullen thought about the little tricks she had shown him in his recent visits. She had assured him then that they were nothing more than a combination of dexterity and fooling ones observation. Indeed he had never felt any trace of Magic while she had demonstrated her skills before _she is not a Mage _he reassured himself, trying to plug the hole of gnawing and expanding worry that was in his gut.

As if to mock him she made her deck of cards, ones he had held himself, jump between her hands. They were a vibrating, buzzing river of colour and pattern. Springing and life like despite being inanimate objects.

Her nervousness when she had told him about her idea now made sense_. What is she thinking? _She must have known that Templars would need to investigate. Was that why she had tried to befriend him once more, in the hopes of clemency? _No, No she wouldn’t use someone like that_. Cullen had to remember that he had found_ her_, he had sought her company and taken pains to rekindle their friendship not the other way round.

Cullen’s own frayed nerves were impacting his reason, his confidence and certainty spiralling and draining like water. He needed to focus, he needed his Lyrium.

‘For my finale I require a volunteer’ the show progressed while Cullen reached for his belt.

A wide eyed and shy looking lad was pushed forward Katherine smiled kindly at him. ‘You young monsieur’ she fanned the cards face down in front of him ‘Please, pick any card you feel drawn to, let the mystic spirits guide your hand.’

Mia would never forgive him if he let Kat get herself hurt or imprisoned with this misadventure, he needed a cool head and to quiet his emotions, to that end he lifted the blue song to his lips.

‘Ah a beautiful choice, it is the Peace card’ She showed the image to the assembly. The illustration was of a dove with an Olive branch in its beak, the gilding around the edge of the card catching the sunlight and glinting as she took the time to engage all her spectators.

Climbing back up onto a pedestal she waved her hand in front of the card once, twice and on the third pass the crowd _aaahhed_ and clapped at the sight of the now blank white card. Cullen felt sick but the nausea was quickly quelled under the cool cobalt power that now trickled into his being.

‘Now I know what you are all thinking. Free Marcher folk are famed of their wit non?’ the locals laughed and nudged themselves at her statement, she had them eating out of the palm of her hand.

‘You are thinking of course where did the dove go?’

Cullen felt his trembling hands and nervousness subside. With his confusion calmed, his irrational thoughts quieted. Kat was not a Mage, it was just a show, an act designed to beguile and entertain. _There is no magic here_.

‘I shall tell you. It is here, in the air all around us’

_‘Nooo’_

_‘Prove it!’_

Cullen’s Templar abilities were heightened from his fresh drug, but despite the Lyrium calling out to meet any magic he could sense nothing other than the muted reverberations in the fade from the Enchanter stood behind him.

‘Mon dieu! Such little faith, prove it I shall but I must beg silence of you all. The Arcane arts require my complete concentration.’ If Cullen hadn’t been numbed from the icy song in his veins he may have found that he agreed in good humour with her presumption. Magic was wild, uncontrollable; he had seen that, he had _lived _that. Her words trivialised it’s dangers and glorified it’s malpractice, she may not be a Mage but he would still need to speak to her about this folly.

For all its foolishness the crowd believed her, well over a hundred people instantly falling silent at once. For noon on Market day the prevailing moment of peace and whisper quiet was almost haunting.

Katherine held the blank card over her heart with both hands. She started humming.

‘Knight-Captain she is about to cast!’ Ser Carver hissed in his ear, spurring him to action despite not having the provocation to do so.

‘STOP! Apostasy is a crime. Mage, you will need to come with us to the Gallows.’

His command was excessively loud in the previously silent space and was met with boos from the spectators. Cullen didn’t care about the Templars image in the moment; he cared about getting Kat away from this shameful situation before one of his stricter, more violent brothers came across her.

Kat opened her eyes at his interruption, her darkly lined eyes widened in recognition. He half expected her to turn and run but she instead gave him a playful smirk. _She’s happy to see me_ the thought gave him both pleasure and pain. He was happy to see her, always, even though the sight of her at that moment was splitting his own conscience in two. Loyalty to the Order, Loyalty to his friend.

‘I’m not a Mage’ she protested, throwing the card up into the air with both hands. Before his eyes it transformed into a dove and flew off towards the Chantry. The crowd clapped at her spectacular display and at once began throwing coins into the hat she had set out.

‘But you are doing magic?’ Cullen questioned dumbly, a little in awe, a little fearful.

‘I’m a Magician’ she smirked, wiggling her fingers for dramatic effect. Turning her back to him she gave several pristine curtseys to her adoring fans.

_Magic... She has confessed. _The sweat on his brow cooled, his breathing became a little ragged even though he had yet to exert himself.

Young children ran up to her without fear ‘Belle Joie, Belle Joie. Will you come back next week?’

‘But of course mon petites’ she answered with real affection.

_Magic… _It didn’t matter that he couldn’t feel the fade in her despite his heightened senses and years of experience. It didn’t matter that she had shown him her tricks beforehand or that she had denied being a Mage.

She gave a large sweeping bow ‘I shall be here at noon and I look forward to sharing more wonders and Magic with you all when the time comes.’

_Magic, Magic, Magic, MAGE! _

Days, weeks trapped in a cage. Tortured and twisted. His friends corrupted his own mind and body battered and broken beyond repair. _Desire._ Desire’s cruelty. _Kat was there, she’s here too_. Cullen drew his sword.

Cullen panted and looked around him at the sea of faces and above at the blinding sun, none of it anchored him. _Was he back there, had he ever left_? Had his saving apparition been nothing other than another wicked game at his expense? Which demon had gotten his claws into him now, _fight_, he wouldn’t go back there.

Holding the honed blade steady the ancient words of a Holy smite left his tongue with a snarl.

A ripple of power surged forth from his blessed weapon, a faint sheen of blue visible only for a moment and almost completely un-regarded by the unknowing audience. To them it would feel a little like their ears popping after climbing down a large hill.

But to a Mage… The senior enchanter they had brought with them crumpled to the ground with muffled whimper. Kat didn’t miss it, she looked over the prone form before snapping her eyes up to him and although she visibly flinched at the hardness she must see in his stance and expression she remained otherwise unharmed.

_The smite didn’t affect her. She’s not…_

‘Merci, Merci! Thank you all!’ she said sweetly as the last of her earnings were thrown into the hat.

She gathered it at once and shooting one more look in his direction suddenly threw a near invisible amount of powder onto the floor.

The crowd clapped and cheered again as she all but disappeared from their sights.

Cullen was trained against such paltry arts, he could see her blurred outline sprint away into an adjoining street. _She wouldn’t need to use vanishing powders if she was a Mage. _That fact, coupled with her lack of connection to the fade and her apparent in difference to the smite was evidence enough. He let out a shuddering sigh of relief and sheathed his sword.

‘Look after him’ he commanded to Carver who was tending to the slowly recovering Enchanter not waiting for any acknowledgement before he gave chase.

She was fast, running and jumping over obstacles that blocked her way in the narrow alleys which she led him down. For all her speed however she had no stamina, after a minute of chase she began to slow and Cullen gained on her quickly.

She darted down a side alley almost causing him to overshoot.

‘Wait! K-’ he stopped himself from calling out her name. There was a reason she’d chosen anonymity after all. What did he call her then?

‘Mage, I order you to stop!’ he shouted, pleased when she drew to an abrupt halt.

‘I have a name!’ She shrieked and ripped off her mask, turning and fixing him with a look of fury.

‘I- _I know_!’ He held his hands up in surrender ‘But I thought that you didn’t want anyone else to know‘ he added quietly.

Her hands were on her hips, her words breathless after the chase ‘What in the void Cullen. You tried to attack me back there didn’t you?’

He rubbed the back of his head, he would need careful tact to try and explain his reasoning. ‘I- You performed magic. You left me no choice’ it was a feeble response but it was the truth. He would never want to hurt her, surely she must know that.

She scoffed and turned to pull a well concealed cloak out from behind a crate. Slinging the long brown fabric around her shoulders and fastening it across her chest.

‘I’m not a Mage!’

‘I know!’

She rolled her eyes ‘And yet you are such a bigot that you see Magic in a few card tricks now?’

‘No, the cards were…You turned one into a dove!’ He sounded like a slack-jawed dimwit not a Knight-Captain.

She scowled darkly at him, shaking her head with abject disappointment. He watched with mortification as she reached into her cloak and pulled out a small handful of,_ is that sand?_

At once he was on guard, fearing she may attempt to flee again. Instead she held her palm out flat and gave a few melodic whistles. After a few moments a white pigeon landed close to their location on an overhead roof tile. _‘Coo Coo’_ it flapped down to land in her hand and started to nibble at the seed contained there.

_Andraste preserve me, I’m an idiot_.

As she took the time to check the animal over for injury, the bird continued to coo happily. ‘So, what exactly _were_ you planning on doing when you followed me. Are you going to take me to the Gallows?’ She questioned while encouraging the bird to into a concealed pocket on the ruffle of her skirt.

‘N-No, of course not. I made a mistake Kat, I’m so Sorry.’

She regarded him with caution and disappointment ‘But you would have done wouldn’t you? If I’d actually had Magic, if I was a Mage?’

He could not give her the answer she was undoubtedly seeking so he gave none and dropped his gaze to the floor.

‘Friendship means nothing to you’ she said bitterly. 

‘That’s not true!’ he growled.

She gave a snort of disbelief and started to pace in front of him ‘You have all but admitted you would have taken me in. _Me,_ your-’ she chokes on whatever word she was trying to say. Instead of it causing her embarrassment she used the stunted emotion to fuel her anger, her words burning him with their volatility. ‘You would have left Annie without her only remaining family member. You would have gleefully locked me up and thrown away the key. Tell me, would you have seen me branded hmm? For escaping you for so long? For being right under your nose the entire time?!’

‘Kat, no that’s not what we do’ he pleaded.

‘No? What then? I’ve heard some awful stories about the Gallows Cullen, would you want me there to be abused, bound and assaulted by power mad Templars?’

‘It’s not like that!’

‘It _is_ like that!’ she hissed.

Cullen dragged his fingers through his curls, frustration rising ‘I know you are friends with Hawke but you must realise that she has a very narrow and misguided view.’ Kat snorted with derision but otherwise remained quiet. He continued softly, trying to answer the accusations she had thrown. ‘The circle is not ideal but it has served its purpose for countless Ages. _‘Magic exists to serve man’_ you know this, you’re Andrastian. And while I confess that some reform is needed you must know that anything _I _do is only to protect. To protect you, to protect the wider population. If I didn’t believe that I would never have given my oath to the Order.’

She quieted at his impassioned speech, considering his words carefully. Cullen begged she would see reason; that she wouldn’t take his earlier transgression against her as an attack but as an inevitable side effect of his Templar duty, one born out of a need to protect.

Kat swallowed and drew her arms around herself; her reply was a little calmer than her earlier rant. ‘You wanted to protect the Mages too or have you forgotten that part?’

‘You don't know what they are capable of!’ He snapped and instantly regretted it. The flicker of kindness and understanding he had only just repaired between them fractured.

'Yes I do!’ She retorted ‘Like the healer in low town, Hawkes friend Anders. Maker only knows how many lives he’s saved, I’m sure if he hadn’t been a Grey Warden you would have brought him into your little prison by now.’

Cullen clenched his jaw at the mention of the ‘Healer’ who flagrantly disregarded the Chantry’s laws.

'What about the Hero of Fereldan? She was a Mage at _your_ Circle, you must have known her.’

‘Don't talk to me about Kinloch, you weren’t there!’ His spike of animosity and raised voice caused Kat’s body to jolt in surprise. He could see how her pale green eyes hardened, her pupils narrowing as the anger she had mostly kept in check crashed through her need for civility.

‘You’re right.’ She took a step towards him, accusation in her expression ‘I wasn’t there in your precious tower with your beloved Order’ each word was laced with venom.

‘Just like you weren’t there when you broke my heart via letter’ she prodded him angrily in the chest, he couldn’t feel it through his plate, but it did feel like he’d been punched at her confession_. I broke her heart_?

‘Or when you weren’t there when I was running from Darkspawn, when I saw my friend being dragged away by her hair screaming for her life.’ She flicked her own still short waves,_ that was why she had cut it then. _Cullen’s shame rose when he recalled how he’d first mistook her for a boy.

‘When I saw war and hunger and sickness and all the horrors of the Blight first hand.’

Cullen’s head hung in defeat as her tirade continued.

‘Or when I had to hold _your_ family together when their parents were killed all the while working myself to the bone to care for my baby sister.’

What could he say to such a speech, he hadn’t meant to diminish her own suffering by reminiscing about his own. For all he had endured he had chosen the life of a Templar, Kat had never asked, nor deserved any of her suffering.

‘You weren’t there’ she whispered, the pain etched in her voice.

Straightening her shoulders she drew on that hidden strength he had found he admired in her ‘I’m not unintelligent Cullen. I know something has happened to change you from the hopeful and kind boy I knew into the self-pitying, hateful man before me. But don’t you dare assume you are the only one who has faced horrors.’ She gave one last tired shake of her head ‘Goodbye.’

_No_! He couldn’t lose her again; he’d only just got her back.

He grabbed hold of her wrist as she moved past him ‘Kat, please-’

‘No!’ She ripped her hand from his; she was shaking from holding her tears back. ‘I gave you your chance’ her voice was a whimper.

He reached for her again but she stepped away from him ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’

‘Well you did' she said with a note of finality 'If I ever see your face at the Tavern again I will have you thrown out.’

Kat disappeared around the corner and Cullen found that he was alone again._ I always end up alone. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd been feeling a bit frustrated with the pacing of this story but we are into the juciy bits now.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter xxx


	12. The Reflections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of two or three fluffy chapters, I told you good times were coming! 
> 
> There will only be one update this week as I have a job interview I need to prepare for and attend. So I hope this will tie you over till next time x

_Katherine POV_

_Even if at times we fought like cat and dog you never gave up on me. You always came back no matter how many times I pushed you away. I admired your resilience, among other things._

_*****_

Katherine had been performing for the third time. She was so happy to see that the crowd was a little larger this time round; clearly word had been spreading about her Magic show, she was sure to make a good amount of coin again. And as per her earlier performances it was all going extraordinarily well.

The young boy had selected the Peace card from her deck, she had made sure of that of course, it was to be the first time she was to make use of her pigeon.

It had taken a few weeks to tame and train the ‘dove’, just like the old postmaster had shown her back in Honnleath. She had loved those messenger birds and in a way was glad she was making use of some of the skills her Lady’s education had provided her with after years of hard toil. Her dancing, her Orlesian, her love of the arts, becoming La Belle Joie meant her childhood didn’t feel like quite so much of a waste.

Kat wasn’t naïve. She knew the Templars would investigate at some point but she had nothing to hide, so although briefly startled when she saw the approaching silver soldiers she didn’t let it disrupt her work. Then when she saw it was Cullen who had interrupted she had been more than a little relieved. He knew she wasn’t a Mage, she’d told him in their letters. He’d previously watched her demonstrate the card skills and misdirection of her trade. If there was one person in Kirkwall who should not have been surprised by her act it should have been him. Her heart had given a traitorous little flutter of excitement at the realization that he was going to see her for the first time as _she_ wanted to be seen. Not a half starved ragged boy, not a weary and ill-tempered tavern worker but as Kat.

Her happiness was short lived. _He tried to attack me_.

Something changed towards the end of her show. She heard the quiet, muffled slump of the Enchanter as he fell to the floor, she instantly sought out her friend with alarm, having to stifle a gasp at his narrowed eyes and aggressive stance.

The look of hate she’d seen on his face made her flinch and it had taken all her skills as a performer to accept her praise and the audiences’ gratitude with the warmth and attention they deserved. Thank the Maker she had been wearing a mask or her confusion would have been evident.

Prior to today she had spent many an hour wondering what had happened in Fereldan to make him so fearful of magic. He had confessed to being injured, but his reticence when it came to discussing any other details about the event and his sweetheart lead her to believe that the two were interlinked somehow. It felt useless to speculate with so few facts and whatever had happened didn’t give him leave to treat her as he had done.

_He tried to subdue me. _Kat had swallowed down her rage and waved to the crowd with a tight smile, the show still had to go on till she was out of sight. When she had turned back to look at him just before her vanishing act the hatred was gone, replaced by a look of relief and a little embarrassment. And that irked her.

He caught up to her with alarming speed. Cullen had tried to apologize and to his credit he was contrite as she raised her concerns about Templar prejudice and the stories circulating about the Gallows. She had seen a flicker of the boy who was devoted to his ideals, who cared for honor and truth.

‘You weren’t there’ he had snapped and that was the end of what little patience she had with him. The fight that followed was vicious _and mostly of my own doing_ she recognized. She’d unloaded ten years’ worth of frustrations and anger onto him, refusing further apology and ordering him to never again seek her out.

Now she was sat at home with her head slumped in her hands, the kettle was whistling on the stove, the happy pigeon cooing from its cage but neither could drown out the sound of her inner turmoil. Between his prejudice and her short temper they had managed in ten minutes to utterly decimate their rekindled relationship of ten months. She wished that thought didn’t affect her so. After all, she had only given him the chance because of some long dormant and lingering sentiment from her childhood; they shouldn’t be much more than occasional acquaintances to each other. But somewhere between his monthly, now near weekly visits to her place of work they had found the time to develop a close friendship once more.

Katherine stood with a sigh and took the kettle from the heat, pouring herself a much needed tea. Whatever was between them was over. Maybe now was a good time to consider joining Hawke and her little troop of helpers. They were great company and had invited her along on their outings often enough. Something always held her back however, she never quite felt like she belonged with them as if they were their own little family and she was just a member of the supporting cast.

Her only family now barreled through the door, the worn wood nearly flying off the hinges from the force.

‘Katie, oh thank the Maker!’ Annie rushed inside and gave her strong squeeze around her middle. ‘You’re home!’ She said breathlessly and sat herself down in Kat’s now vacant chair ‘Word got round that the Templars interrupted your show and I was so worried.’

Katherine stroked her sisters long red hair ‘Only briefly’ she consoled.

‘Well are you ok? They didn’t need to question you at all or take you to the Gallows? Anders put all kinds of terrible ideas in my head and I admit I was quite scared.’

Her usually serious and unflappable sister was almost shaking, and so Kat set a cup of tea down in front of her to help calm her nerves. She felt herself frown at Annie’s panicked state. _Anders has better things to be doing than terrifying teenage girls with his angry protests_ she thought with annoyance. Honestly she was starting to worry he was doing more harm than good with his often violent rhetoric. Reform was needed, but all this talk of revolution wouldn’t end well.

‘I’m fine, it was actually Cullen who came along to investigate.’

‘Oh’ that brightened her sister up at once ‘that’s good, did he like your show?’

Katherine bit her tongue. In truth he had seemed happy to see her at first at least till she had made the ‘dove’ appear. She sat down opposite her sister.

‘He, did not’ she confessed. ‘He was terrified when I conjured up birdy. He tried to _smite_ me, it had no effect of course because I’m not a Mage but it still hurt’ she added sadly.

Annie gaped ‘What happened?’

Kat shrugged ‘Then he chased after me and tried to apologize.’

Annie laughed ‘Well, Mia wouldn’t be surprised to hear that. She always said that it was an odd day when you didn’t fall and make up three times before noon. At least some things never change.’

Kat gave a small smile at the thought of Mia having to be the go between on those occasions, eventually she learned that they would fight and reconcile regardless of anyone else’s involvement and left them to it.

‘And, did you make up?’

Kat studied her tea feeling a little sheepish ‘No. I yelled at him, a lot. I didn’t accept his apology and asked him never to contact me again.’

‘_Katie_’

‘He tried to quell me!’

Annie gave a long suffering sigh ‘And that was very wrong of him but think of it from his perspective. He is a high-ranking member of the Order, one who witnesses Magic performed right in front of him. If he hadn’t acted at all then I’d think he were a piss-poor Templar!’

Katherine was going to protest but she wasn’t given the chance.

‘He was just doing his job.’

Kat scowled feeling a little defensive in light of the criticism ‘You’re taking his side?’

‘Never. You are my sister and I will always have your incorrigible back.’

That consoled her enough to resume drinking her tea in an increasingly awkward silence. Annie kept trying to make eye contact and she resolutely ignored her, till she couldn’t stand the sideways glances a moment longer.

‘Just say it!’ She snapped earning a chuckle of amusement from Annie.

‘Do I have to?’

Katherine groaned and she rested her head on the table ‘No I suppose you don’t.’

She felt Annie pat her head sympathetically ‘Well just so we’re on the same page I’ll say it anyway. Cullen makes you happy, the happiest I’ve seen you in too long. Don’t cut him out of your life unless he is beyond redemption.’

* * *

She looked over to the Tavern door as another windswept patron made their way inside. It was no one of note and so she cursed herself when she realised that she was looking for him, _again_. It had only been two days. Besides she’d told him not to come back and there was no reason to expect he would ignore her wishes.

She sighed as one of her regulars flagged her down to take an order for another drink. It was hard to concentrate on being personable and pleasant when her thoughts were frequently turned towards her other regular who was notably absent. Still she managed to force a smile as she returned to the barrels overhearing a conversation as she poured a pint.

‘I heard that they’re all descendant from dragons. That’s why they’ve got them horns.’

‘Do you think? Maybe someone should ask that Mage about it, the one who knows all about the _mystic_ secrets.’ Kat often overheard her stage persona being mentioned in the Tavern, the verdict to her show had been overwhelmingly positive and it gave her such pride she couldn’t help but listen in more closely.

‘La Belle Joie… Yes, I wonder if anyone knows who she is? She would know for sure, probably has all kinds of spells and a Grimoire containing secret knowledge’ She had to bite her lip to stop herself from giggling at the presumption.

‘Good of her to share some of it with us really, them other Mages are all so secluded.’

‘t’is, Our Suzy loves it, and wee Graham. They go every week. I think they’ll be gutted when she eventually moves on.’

‘Aye, Still, it won’t matter if the Qunari get their way. Have you seen the way they treat their Mages?’

‘Joie isn’t a Mage though, she’s a Magician. Even the Templars have continued to let her perform.‘

‘True true, the Templars for the most part seem alright really. They might be brutes but at least they let us have our fun. Here’s hoping the Qunari don’t get their chance to ruin it for the rest of us.’ A glass was raised. 

‘Here’s to that’ the clink as the drinks were brought together put an end to the conversation. Kat wasn’t too concerned about the Qunari, her anonymity gave her some protection and as her drunken guests had so kindly just pointed out she was not a Mage. _Still, might be an act there_ she thought, the idea of them being descendant from dragons certainly gave her some creative options _and it would be good to do something topical._

The door swung open, Kat studiously avoided turning her head to glance in the direction but heard the calls of ‘_Varric_’ from Hawkes table. She found herself somewhat surprised when the Dwarf approached her before heading to his friends.

‘Kitty!’ She wished there was a way to stop people calling her that, forcing cheerfulness she did not at present feel she greeted her guest with a smile ‘Varric, what can I get you?’

She scowled as he withdrew a small notebook and writing charcoal ‘what’s all this?’

‘Notes for a story’ he said assuredly and she clenched her jaw in annoyance. She had told them in confidence about her alter ego a few days ago, now Anders was busy upsetting Annie and Varric was jeopardizing her secret with his thirst for gossip.

She folded her arms defensively ‘Surely you have more than enough inspiration with Hawke? 'she deflected.

‘I do, I do, this is for a little side project I’m working on.’

‘I’m certain you already know exactly what happened’ Doing her best to ignore his questions she took a nonchalant sip from her drink.

‘I know the facts, but not the emotion… tell me when he caught up to you did he bundle you into his arms and vowed that he would love you regardless of your Magic?’

She nearly choked ‘What? No-‘

‘Oh I see, were going for more of a smutty novel, let me guess, he had to ask you to remove your clothes to check for any hidden magical artefacts?’

‘Varric!’ She squeaked angrily.

‘He pressed his lips to yours to silence you, stopping you from casting further enchantments and spells?’

The glare she sent his way made him hold his hands up in apology. ‘First, keep your voice down I don’t want Annie in danger or myself for that matter because of your indiscrestion.’

Varric did look a little scolded by that and nodded dutifully. 

‘Secondly, it’s not like _that_’ she sighed and her anger dissipated, her eyes drifting over to the door again.

Varric saw the action and seemed sympathetic ‘Okay kid. I’m sorry for overstepping, I’ll just take an Ale and be on my way.’

Kat cleaned up angrily that night. Wiping the wooden tables and sweeping the floors with more vigor than was required in the dingy watering hole_. It’s not like that; it can never be like that_. Varrics needling had made her sulk for most of the evening, her tips were pitiful. Of course she _liked_ him, he was a gentleman both kind and generous. He made her laugh with his awkward fumbling predisposition for becoming flustered. She admired him. For all she had her doubts about the Order he did seem to work hard at keeping people safe and his position of authority demanded respect. And of course he was handsome, she wasn’t blind.

_Stupid girl_. Cullen had already made his sentiments clear years ago. She wouldn’t open her heart up to pain once more, and she cared about him too much to ever consider anything more casual. She pushed away the thought of the odd butterflies that had started to flit about in her stomach whenever he came to visit. Or how warming his laugh was or the ease to which she could converse with him above any other.

They were friends. She was possibly his only friend and she’d pushed him away. Closing up the Tavern that night she looked out over the Harbor. _The Gallows._ If he was going to stay away then she would go to him, she would just need to be prepared first.

* * *

It was only seven am and yet she was already covered in flour, along with large swathes of the work surfaces. The oven was heated and ready to be filled with her creation. 

‘What are your plans for today?’ Annie asked over her morning toast. 

‘Im going to bake a cake’ she replied folding the sivved flour into the egg, butter and sugar mixture. 

‘You made one yesterday’

‘That was practice’ she poured the creamy mixture into a cake tin. 

‘Is this one more practice?’

‘No, this is the apology cake’ She didn’t need to say who it was for.

‘Good. I was starting to think I’d have to head over the Gallows myself to start asking after him, you’ve been awful company.’

Kat clicked her tongue at her sister’s teasing, typically she would have shot back with a retort but was otherwise occupied as she carefully moved the filled cake tin into the oven.

‘Do you think I’d recognize him?’ Annie asked.

‘Yeah’ now Kat was sure he meant no harm and had seemed genuine in his desire to reconnect she should consider re-introducing them. _Assuming he wants to see me anymore_ she thought while preparing a bowl for the frosting. She realized Annie was waiting for further response and so tapped her chin thoughtfully ‘Yes, I think you would. He has the Rutherford curls and very lovely eyes, same shade as honey.’ She added quietly while spooning some of the golden liquid into the bowl, Katherine missed her sisters eyebrows raising at the latter half of her statement as the younger girl retired to dress for the day.

After the cake was cooled she began the decoration. Annie chirped up from behind her ‘I’m going to head out now. ’

‘Ok be safe’ she shouted back, focusing on her task once more.

She found herself humming as she piped the delicate roses. The song she used to sing years ago coming to the forefront of her mind as she worked at the task she used to do with her Mother.

‘_When you kiss me heaven sighs’_

She unconsciously began to mouth the words while delicately piping, the roses weren’t as neat as they could have been but she doubted he would mind too much, growing up any sweet items were devoured promptly with little notice of the decoration.

‘_And though I close my eyes_’

Even if the apology cake ‘worked’ she didn’t know where they would stand. She was right to chastise him about his behaviour and although she was sure he was enough of a man to accept the criticism, she didn’t know if he could be friends with the one who had so vocally admonished him.

_‘I see La Vie En -’_

_cough cough_

She paused at the noise, wiping her hands on her apron and turning. ‘What’s wrong do you want me to walk yo – oh’

_Cullen_. She was sure her heart skipped a beat. Cullen was standing in the doorway out of uniform, rubbing the back of his neck in that all too endearing manner and _are those flowers!_ Her mind blanked and she gawked dumbly at his presence.

‘I – I, Annie let me in.’ He said by way of explanation and noticing how her eyes flicked down to bunch of foliage in his hand added ‘I brought you flowers because you used to like them.’

She had to speak, why couldn’t she speak?

‘They are to say sorry…again’ his shoulders sagged at her ongoing silence, no doubt interpreting it as a rejection of his peace offering.

‘I’ll just leave them and go, I didn’t mean to-‘

‘I MADE A CAKE!’ She blurted out and with shaking hands set the completed desert down in front of him ‘because you used to like them too, cakes that is.’ Maker but her cheeks were burning; this was ridiculous they were both adults yet they were communicating little better than ten-year olds.

‘I was going to say sorry too and this was-’ she gestured wildly in front of her in an effort to explain while her tongue tied itself in knots in an effort to further her humiliation.

‘An apology cake?’ his lip twitched with the tiniest hint of a smirk.

‘Yes! Exactly’ she replied a smile coloring her own expression, her relief palpable at his understanding.

‘Would you like some tea? If you can stay a while that is?’ Cullen seemed a little taken aback by her gentle request but nodded gratefully

‘I’d be delighted.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your ongoing comments and support. And welcome to any new readers, I hope you're enjoying the story xxx


	13. The Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the job guys! *happy dance*
> 
> Anyways please enjoy the second part of a trilogy of fluffy chapters to brighten up any and all holiday blues. 
> 
> Love you all xxx

_Cullen POV_

_And you became so much more to me than a renewed acquaintance, more even than a friend. For the longest time I didn’t want to put a name to that feeling._

_*****_

Cullen didn’t think he had ever been so filled with shame. Even in Kinloch, when he had begged for Desire to end his suffering, or ranted at Surana about her decision to withhold the annulment. Even after, when he would wake hard and weeping after reliving his torture or bedding another faceless woman in a bid to drive the demons away. Even at his worst he had never felt quite so ashamed as he did now after attacking Kat earlier in the day.

He’d tried to smite her. His paranoia and delusion of being back in that awful place had lead him to attack his only friend. If that injury hadn’t been enough she had rightly taken the opportunity to call him out on all his negligence over the years. He’d abandoned her, he’d broken her heart. _Maker I broke her heart. _Her confession had been like swallowing liquid lead, a heavy and though molten at first a rapidly solidifying wedge of guilt that lodged firmly in his stomach and weighed him down. His oversight and ignorance knew no bounds. Back then he’d assumed that the years spent away would have lessened her feelings as they had done his. That their ‘betrothal’ had been nothing more than a childish pipe-dream and so he’d shrugged her aside without any thought to the consequences and no sensitivity or tact. There was no wonder she had been hesitant to trust him again, that it had taken countless visits and months of his time and attention for her to open up to him once more.

And in a few foolish minutes he’d thrown it all away.

Cullen groaned and slumped forwards till his head rested in his hands. He’d long since shed his armor and retired for the evening but sleep wouldn’t come to him. Her angry words swirled and circled in his mind, relentlessly reminding him of the multitude of his failures. Even the light of the new day couldn’t chase away the dark cloud which he now carried with him.

* * *

Three days. Three long soulless days. He wished she hadn’t banned him from the tavern; he would gladly take her ire over the awful, irritable void he now found himself in.

As a boy, and even as a man, Cullen knew he was prone to sulking or brooding as some of his occasional admirers called it. In his youth he would run and hideaway to that little lake, with its clear water tinged with green and hazel from the surrounding countryside to wallow in silence. At least till Mia, or more often Kat would come and rouse him from his stupor with the promise of food, or games or relentless cheerfulness. As an adult he hadn’t had that luxury and so when another Mage fled the Circle, or Meredith pardoned a Templar for their unjust actions his irritability and dour mood could last for days. Weeks even.

Cullen had never been good at making friends. His early advancement in Kirkwall had made it all but impossible for him anyways, yet even if that hadn’t been the case he doubted anyone would be tempted to try and approach or make light-hearted conversation with the Knight Captain whose glare would have recruits occasionally whimpering and even, once, soil themselves.

The Templars under his command, that is to say all of them except Meredith, avoided Cullen with extreme prejudice. The one sliver of positive in this whole mire of misery he found himself in was that he had been able to catch up on weeks’ worth of paperwork without interruption.

_Knock knock_

_Well almost no interruption._ Cullen thought as his door was pushed open and a Templar came to stand before him

‘Knight Captain?’

Cullen’s eyes briefly flicked up towards his guest ‘Ser Carver, How is Enchanter Vincent doing?’ He quickly found the appropriate report, his account of the encounter with ‘The Magician’ La Belle Joie and pushed the document in front of the younger Knight to sign.

‘He is fully recovered Ser, although I will say that was the strongest Smite I’ve ever felt. Rumor has it even some of the Mages in the Gallows felt a little sick’

Cullen just grunted and dropped his eyes back to the note he had been reading before his overly chatty subordinate arrived. His focus was once again interrupted as Ser Carver cleared his throat

‘What?’ he growled.

‘The Mage I mean Magician Ser, was she ok?’

‘She was unaffected as you saw’ Carver shifted a little nervously and not waiting for permission gently closed the office door.

‘May I speak freely?’ Cullen arched a brow, he was eager to have his office to himself again and so nodded hoping to get the interview over with.

Carver spoke quietly ‘I know you’re friends with her, that’s why her name has been left off the report... I don’t speak to my sister very often but she does keep me in the loop and well, just here!’

‘What’s this?’ Cullen studied a street name and directions for a holding in Low Town.

‘Her address, Varric made me swear to give it to you and Merril thought it was a good idea so there, I’ve done my part.’ The young night puffed his chest up when he mentioned ‘Merril’.

‘You may leave now’ Cullen snapped, refusing to look at the note set before him.

‘S-Ser!’ Carver looked a little deflated but left at once, the door had not even clicked shut before Cullen snatched the address up in his hands.

* * *

His request for leave was of course approved. The Templars were supposed to only work six days a week yet Cullen couldn’t remember the last time he had taken a day off. Meredith seemed surprised but actually a little relieved and offered encouragement, it was as if she wanted him out of the Gallows.

So now he was stood in his casual attire which rarely saw the light of day. Red shirt, fawn colored vest and matching breeches. He had passed by a flower girl on the way and before he had time to talk himself out of it bought a bunch gladioli scattered with daisies and other greenery whose names Cullen had long forgot.

He was about to knock when the old wooden door opened from the inside.

Cullen’s eyes widened as a petite teenage girl gasped ‘It’s you!’

She looked _so_ much like her Mother, the Orlesian red hair and intelligent blue eyes. ‘A-Annie?’

The girl looked at his shocked face, then down to flowers he was clutching in his hand before fixing him with a beaming smile.

‘Cullen’ she said unreservedly and hugged him round his waist. ‘What good timing’ she spoke as she stepped back to look over him once more.

Struggling for words he resorted to some long ingrained politeness ‘It’s good to see you too…Maker you were tiny when I left.’

Annie laughed ‘I’m still pretty short, but look at you. She said I’d recognize you and you do have lovely eyes’

‘My eyes?’ He asked a little confused but shrugged the comment aside, he was here for a reason after all. ‘I’m sorry for interrupting your morning but, could you tell me if Kat is home? I don’t know if she will want to see me b-‘

‘She would!’ Annie interrupted and then stepped aside ‘Go right in, she’s in the kitchen.

Cullen walked down a narrow hallway, made even more compact by the presence of a birdcage in which sat a rather recognizable white pigeon.

He heard humming; it was pleasant and stirred some long dormant memories of afternoons playing down by the jetty. Of a lullaby which he swore he hated but often found comfort and solace in the tune. As he entered the kitchen he was sure his heart briefly stopped, the sounds, the smells, they were too pleasant to be anything other than a dream.

_Kat_. She was a lovely sight in simple grey dress, swaying as she dusted away flour from the work surfaces. Her waves were a little wild as they brushed the tops of her shoulders, her eyes closed and face serene as she danced while she sang.

His mouth felt a little dry.

Perhaps it was just seeing Annie who reminded him so much of his own younger sister or the nostalgia of her Lullaby and the delicious smell of fresh baking. But for the first time, possibly since leaving home he felt longing. Longing, for most of his youth was about becoming a Knight so he could protect people. Nowadays he questioned what the Templars stood for; he doubted their cause and their sworn duty.

_‘And though I close my eyes’_

Seeing Kat seemingly content and happy, _this_, this he would gladly give his life for.

He really needed to announce himself, this was her private space and he was staring like a boor.

_‘I see La Vie En –’_

He cleared his throat and she paused at the noise, wiping her hands on her apron and turning. ‘What’s wrong do you want me to walk yo – oh’ she actually jumped at seeing his looming presence in the doorway as to her petite sister’s.

He rubbed at the back of his neck furiously, feeling feeble of mind in that he had yet to speak, _Void take it I should have practiced my apology_. Katherine though clearly startled made no move to speak, or throw him out and so at last his courage rallied.

‘I – I, Annie let me in!’ he said by way of explanation and noticing how her eyes flicked down to bunch of foliage in his hand added ‘I brought you flowers because you used to like them.’ _Maker I’m an idiot. _He was sure his face must be the color of his shirt.

‘They are to say sorry…again’ his shoulders sagged at her ongoing silence. What exactly did he expect? This was never going to be a happy reunion he sighed ‘I’ll just leave them and go, I didn’t mean to-‘

‘I MADE A CAKE!’ Kat suddenly spoke and he watched with renewed hope as with shaking hands she set the completed desert down in front of him on the Kitchen Table ‘because you used to like them too… cakes that is.’ Cullen took some comfort in the fact that she looked just as embarrassed as he.

‘I was going to say sorry too and this was-’ she gestured wildly in front of her in an effort to explain, words were clearly not one of their combined strengths.

‘An apology cake?’ he ventured with a trace of a smirk.

‘Yes! Exactly’ she replied her full and radiant smile setting him at ease. Their shared relief was palpable and so very welcome, cutting through the wall of lingering awkwardness.

After another short silence when Cullen was somewhat distracted by the way she was chewing on her lower lip Katherine asked hesitantly ‘Would you like some tea? If you can stay a while that is?’

He startled from whatever thoughts had been creeping in unbidden from his subconscious.

‘I’d be delighted’ he replied equally softly, taking a seat as she turned to set the already brewed kettle back onto the stove. While she filled a vase with water from the faucet Cullen looked around the small kitchen. It was dominated by the large table in the center and the stove at one end. Dried herbs, flowers and well scoured pans hung from hooks overhead and were lit up at present by light from an overhead small window. On an evening he could see how a few candle holders dotted around the walls no doubt provided a cozy warm light and additional heat. It was a pleasant and welcoming space made even more inviting by the scent of the warm spiced cake set before him and the familiar delicate fragrance of lavender.

‘This makes a change from me pouring you an ale I suppose’ Katherine said teasingly as she poured tea into the cup in front of him.

‘Yes, and the company is more pleasant too’

She seemed confused ‘There’s no one else here?’

‘Exactly’ he said with a smile, drawing a small chuckle from Kat. ‘Yes the Inn’s patrons are a loud and rowdy sort aren’t they?’

Annie shouted up from the kitchen doorway while wrapping a shawl across her shoulders ‘I’m going to work now, no more fighting children!’

‘I swear she’s more like my mother than I am hers’ Katherine muttered, once again reminding him that the sisters were all on their own in this busy and dangerous city. _And I very nearly took her to the circle_, Maker what was wrong with him.

He came here to apologize properly and without ceremony began ‘Kat, I’m so sorry about what I did-‘

His words faltered as he felt her hand come across the table to rest on top of his.

She looked sadly at him ‘You don’t need to-’

‘I _do_. You are owed an explanation…’ He pulled his hand away to run it through his short curls, readying his thoughts. ‘I am wary around Magic’ how much could he tell her without making her run away in fear? _Not a lot_. ‘In Fereldan, I was hurt not just physically-’

‘_Cullen_’ she said quietly and filled with pity.

‘And so when I saw your apparent conjuration I acted brashly and out of fear. It doesn’t excuse what I did, or how I’ve treated you in the past._ Kat_ I am so, so very sorry. For everything. I should have been there for you; I should have had some bloody sense and considered your feelings before any of it. I won’t ask for your forgiveness, just the chance to make amends if you’ll let me.’

By the end of his plea Kat’s eyes were brimming with unshed tears. She blinked them away, even now fearful of showing too much emotion. She didn’t just rush in with an acceptance or refusal to his offer, but instead really considered his words and he appreciated that. It meant what she said next seem all the more genuine.

With a deep sigh she said ‘You were just doing your job and I’ she gave a small scoff of self-mirth ‘I unloaded a decade worth of pain onto you. That was unfair of me, my misfortune hasn’t been your doing. So I also won’t ask for forgiveness if you will return the favour and give me the chance to make amends too?’

_There’s nothing you need to make amends for he wanted to say_ but instead he simply nodded and putting his hand back towards hers gave it a firm squeeze.

She looked so happy at the small action ‘Now then, let me slice this cake!’

And that was it. She had been furious before and always did get riled up quickly, but she forgave and moved on so easily and with renewed affection. The opposite to him in every way, he had patience… he would be a poor trainer if not. But once he was angry he would brood for days. _Or be grumpy_ as Kat liked to say.

‘Did you like it?’ She asked while his mouth was full of the delicious cake.

‘th--- mnn cake?’ He tried to ask

She laughed ‘No, my performance, silly’ although she was trying to tease he could hear the hope laden in her question. Well it was fortunate he wouldn’t need to lie.

‘I did’ he said once he had cleared his throat. She looked up, pleased and then hid her happiness behind her teacup. At that moment he heard the little pigeon coo happily from its cage in the hallway.

‘That’s a nice dress’ he commented when he noticed the embroidery around her collar. Some of the floral designs looked new and he wondered if she had possibly been adding to it herself when she could find suitable thread.

‘Oh do you like it?!’ She stood and gave a small swish

‘Yes, it’s odd to see you in-’ he bit his tongue, cursing his idiocy.

She arched a brow, not missing his implication ‘In girls’ clothes?’ She teased.

Cullen blanched and quickly tried to backtrack. ‘No, I meant that, it’s a little _different_ from the one I saw you in the other day.’ _Good save_ he congratulated himself.

She gave a little giggle ‘pfft, that’s not a dress. It’s Lingerie.’

Cullen swallowed ‘What?’

‘I got it and my mask from the Blooming Rose’ Kat said shamelessly, Cullen felt himself flush at all the connotations which unhelpfully flooded his thoughts.

She saw his discomfort and her smile became devilish ‘You hadn’t seen it before had you. On the floor perhaps?’

He sputtered ‘No-No Kat. I’ve not, I’ve never!’

Her jibes continued ‘You’re a virgin?’

‘NO!’ Andraste preserve him, he just wanted to compliment her pretty dress now he was thinking all kinds of, enticing and entirety inappropriate things.

‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about if you are. Isabella says it makes me more desirable’ she said nonchalantly.

‘You are! I mean I am…not. I’m not a virgin. But I’ve just not had to pay for the privilege that’s all.’ He gave a shuddering sigh and her peal of laughter would have warmed his soul if he hadn’t felt quite so uncomfortable ‘Maker’s breath can we talk about something else’ he groaned.

He returned to the Gallows a little after midday. Kat had to sleep before her shift at the Hanged Man and so he had bid her farewell with the promise that he would stop by again in a week. She also informed him that his ban from the Tavern was now no longer in effect so _‘if you find yourself wanting some company on an evening you know where to find me’_ it was all completely innocent of course. Still, the gentle invitation had pleased him probably in more ways than he had realized.

Keran and Carver were stood on guard at the entrance to the circle

‘Is that a cake Ser?’ Keran asked with poorly hidden disbelief.

‘It is’ Cullen said.

‘It looks nice’ Carver replied leadingly

‘It does’ he agreed not taking the bait.

The youngest Hawke eyed up the desert once more and feeling confident said ‘Are you sharing?’

‘Absolutely not’ Cullen said with a smirk.

* * *

As promised Cullen started to visit her on his solitary day off from work, and on occasion if he happened to be passing by in the morning. Not to mention the one or two nights a week he would find himself at the Hanged Man.

On the rare days she had off he often arranged his time so he could spend the whole day with her. Staying till Annie returned from work, dining together and reminiscing about home. He enjoyed the found family, the sense of belonging and Katherine’s teasing of Annie about her secretive romantic correspondence.

Then when Annie had retired they sat at the kitchen table till long after dark. It’s on those cozy evenings that he recognizes his thirst for Lyrium isn’t quite as strong when she is around, usually by seven he would be itching for his next draught. But Lyrium is stored in his room in the Gallows and if that means having to leave her company even a moment earlier than necessary he finds he can do without the numbing liquid very well.

‘What are you doing?’ He asks as he takes his usual seat at the Hanged Man once evening. Usually she would jump up straight away to pour him a drink but he is pleased she is focusing on her own task first. He wasn’t really there to drink anyways, he just wanted to be around her.

‘I’m sewing fishing line in between the fingers of my gloves’ she replied thoughtfully, not looking up from her work.

Cullen recognizes the silken cuffed gloves from her performance ‘Dare I ask why?’

Finally she looks up with an enticing grin ‘If you come and watch my show in a few days then you’ll see.’

The show began as always, a few card tricks, some simple illusions. Then the audience held their breath as she withdrew her tarot deck. A young woman is given the honor today and she selects the Oracle card.

The card is turned white and then just like the crystal ball in the now absent image glass spheres appear in Kat’s hands. She glides two, three, four then half a dozen across her hands and fingers with fascinating dexterity. Cullen, and it seems the whole crowd can’t take their eyes from her.

The crystal balls vanish as quickly as they appeared and she hums as she summons her ‘magic.’

Cullen is awestruck as bubbles begin to fly from her fingertips. He stifles his own gasp of surprise but the audience are avid with their applause and disbelief.

As she dances and spins, more of the floating transparent pearls are produced. The gentle breeze and warm circulating air currents in Kirkwall mean that within a minute the whole marketplace is swimming with bubbles. The children run and laugh as they try to pop the multitude of little floating orbs. The grown-ups watch on with serenity and happiness, no doubt recalling their own exuberant youth.

Even Cullen puts out a gauntled hand as one of the bubbles floats towards him, he tries to catch it, of course it pops when it hits his palm making him smile with fond reflections. Cullen briefly catches her masked eyes, her red painted lips part briefly in surprise at his presence and then twist into a sultry smile. Her pale green eyes sparkling with unabashed joy. _Hmm_, he noted _her eyes are the same color as the little lake back home_. Then the baggy shirt she wore under her dress slipped from her shoulder, exposing the top of her toned arm. Cullen swallowed, conscious that he must be blushing and so forced his gaze away from the slither of exposed flesh and instead finds himself looking over her long limbs, admiring her beautiful curves and the scintillating shapes she creates as she dances. He really, truly doesn’t mean to fixate on her chest but _Sweet Maker how did I ever think she looked like a boy?_

His lust hits him like a lightning bolt. _The longing_. The one he thought he’d lost is back and this time it wasn’t just a desire to protect. He wanted her.

His serene smile falters and he forces his eyes away from Kat’s magical display_. No, no, no_. He couldn’t permit himself to want more than friendship or to think his depraved thoughts. Not about her. She was far too precious to him to sully with his debased ideas and marred past. He may have told her more than anyone of his recent history, he may trust her and care for her well-being and thrive with the affection she showed him... But he’d already broken her heart, there was no hope of her ever feeling the same, he had to bury these unwelcome feelings and quickly.

As he looked back up preparing to take his leave before her inevitable vanishing finale she caught his eye and shot him a playful wink. His heart thumped in his chest. _It may already be too late._


	14. The audience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year all! 
> 
> I should be back on to two updates a week really soon, thank you for sticking with me over the madness of Christmas and New Years xxx
> 
> Trigger Warning: Implied sexual assault/rape

_Katherine POV_

_I still don’t want to name it despite what I may have confessed back then. It was all a deception, an illusion, just like my Magic. It’s easier to think that you see…_

_*****_

It had been weeks since the ‘Oracle’ show. Cullen had been largely absent since then, she had run into him once and he’d looked away and made some verbal excuse about being busy with work. Kat hadn’t thought a whole lot of it so she was pleasantly surprised when this morning he had shown up unexpectedly.

‘How _did_ you make the bubbles?’ Cullen asked as Kat fiddled with the stove lighter at the kitchen table. Her furrowed brow and dexterous fingers indicating her concentration as she tried to plan out her latest and undoubtedly most spectacular trick. The crossing over to Kirkwall had given her the idea; she remembered seeing the ships brazier whooshing up with flame when sailors spilled their drinks onto it, now she just had to recreate it in a controlled way.

She had acquired some Maker forsaken white rum that even her most un-discerning of customers from the Hanged Man refused to drink. Apparently the bottle had washed up ashore the same time as the Qunari so she assumed it was some variant of their native Marras-lok, the fabled drink that could even pickle a Dwarf’s liver. _Now if I can just get the spark right_.

Cullen seemed quite content to just sit and watch while she worked. She was happy he had stopped by, the past few months had she had felt more like her old self than she had in years and she knew it was his influence. Without knowing it Kat had found herself relying on his company more as Hawke and her companions always seemed to be off doing something and Annie was always busy at the clinic or with her letters. ‘If I told you how I did it then it would ruin the magic’ she replied without looking up, it wasn’t the first time he had pressed her for secrets.

‘No’ Cullen replied petulantly, Kat arching a brow at his assertion causing him to backtrack ‘Well it would, but it’s like a puzzle I can’t quite work out…I know it was something to do with the fishing wire I saw you sewing with.’

Kat huffed in amusement but didn’t respond; instead she snapped the fire-lighter in two the striker and the flint now separate _maybe if I cut a hole in the gloves._

‘It was beautiful’ he said so quietly Kat almost didn’t hear him. But she did and had to fight the butterflies making her a little giddy at his praise. The task was made more difficult as he fixed her with an oddly earnest stare, his golden eyes piercing in their conviction.

_Lovely eyes indeed_. It was intense, molten, she had seen that look on him before now; She’d noticed it first when she was performing then again when he had bumped into her afterwards.

While in character as La Belle Joie it was easy for her to shoot a wink back or offer him a sultry red-lipped smile, the mask made her bold, more flirtatious. In person she could flirt with ease with her bar Patrons, a welcoming smile or affection pat on the shoulder could go a long way to securing her more tips yet with Cullen… Flirting was out of the question, it had to be. He was in love with someone else and she had an inkling they were a Mage, her feelings couldn’t have been more unrequited, after all he’d already cast her aside once. Not to mention in her mind that look could only mean one thing, coupled with his recent absence she was convinced he was scared of her ‘Magic.’

Cullen seemed to realize he had been caught and stammered out an apology, dropping his eyes to the tea in front of him. ‘S-sorry I’m distracting you.’

He pushed his hands through his sandy curls, Andraste preserve her now she was drinking in the sight of him. His deep red shirt exposed a tantalizing peak of his chest, covered with hairs a shade darker than his head. Without armor she couldn’t fail to notice how naturally broad his shoulders were, if his biceps were as toned as his forearms, _well_ she could only imagine.

_Makers Breath_ it didn’t matter whether he was looking at her as if he had never seen her before, or looking away somewhat embarrassed. The man was wholly unaware of how handsome he had become over their years apart… He was highly distracting! Just not in the way he presumed.

‘I-I’m glad you enjoy my performances’ she said shakily, drawing her eyes away from him and back to the tinkering in front of her.

‘I do’ he confessed. Trying to control the burning of her cheeks and to alleviate the charged atmosphere she changed the subject to something lighter and more teasing ‘not as much as my cakes I’m sure!’

Cullen chuckled into his hand. This was safe ground. They could throw barbs at each other, keep the other humble and in good spirits. Enjoy each other’s company, but it would never be more. _At least not for him_ she thought a little sadly.

* * *

_Now who is going to select the card today?_ She mused as she ran through some of her standard tricks. Making flowers appear from thin air, a few dramatic sleights of hand coupled with her dancing and the now infamous ‘is this your card?’ routine.

She spied a somewhat familiar young boy. Kat had seen him a few times at her shows, usually on his own although occasionally with a girl perhaps a year or so older than him. She had assumed they were street urchins; their disheveled clothes reminded her of her own when she first arrived in the city. But unlike her sorry state back then they looked well fed, the boy himself had a rather unusual and expensive looking necklace and he always left a gold sovereign in her hat.

As before he had an awestruck look on his face, filled with anticipation and excited for whatever her finale would be this time… well she had to please her most loyal fans.

As Kat withdrew her tarot deck a murmur of excitement rippled through the crowd, a few over eager audience members began waving or pointing to their friends at once, all clambering to be given the honor of ‘Prophet’ for this week’s show.

She paused in front of the young lad, his wide smile slightly shy and disbelieving at the important task being offered.

Kat kneeled before him and fanned her cards out face down ‘select any card mon petite’ she reassured him as his hand hovered over ornate deck. He pointed to a card which she promptly withdrew and displayed to the boy and the crowd craning their necks to see what miraculous fantasy would be acted out today.

‘The Dragon Card!’ she gasped theatrically her audience bubbling with excitement at the prospect of danger. She saw the observing Templars shift nervously from their position at the edge of the gathering. Cullen wasn’t among them which was probably for the best considering today’s show was to be her most spectacular and dangerous to date. It wouldn’t be wise to pour more fuel onto the fire that caused him to be afraid of her.

Forcing a mysterious smile to her face she prepared her speech, she couldn’t worry about Cullen’s state of mind now. _The show must go on after all._

‘They say the Qunari are descendant from Dragons’ the audience nodded their agreement and some looked on with alarm. The Ox-Men’s ongoing presence in the city was starting to ruffle feathers and insight fear, which was why her performance today was so important.

‘Yet I tell you this cannot be so and today I shall show you _why_’ the crowd looked on filed with hope. Kat could have told them the sky was green and Lyrium was red in that instant and they would have believed her.

‘Non, non it is a lie designed to insight fear in your minds. You my wonderful patrons, you know the truth already, you know the Myths…Dragons breathe fire and I have never seen the Qunari so much as smoke a pipe!’ She said in her lilting Orlesian accent, the onlookers laughing at her joke and agreeing with her statement amongst themselves.

The Tarot card jumped between her hands as she paraded around the packed square. ‘Now it was said that the ancient warriors of Neverra used to drink the blood of Dragons, granting them their power temporarily. This I _do_ believe and this is what I shall show you to ease your minds my dearest friends.’

As was the ritual Kat waved her hand in front of the image once, twice and on third pass the card transformed. Not into a white space as usual but into a small vial of reddish purple liquid.

‘DRAGONS BLOOD!’ She shouted, startling the onlookers.

She vaulted up onto her pedestal letting the crowd see the color as the light passed through the vial, refracting and casting an eerie liquid shadow. It was just a little beetroot juice added to the rum but they didn’t need to know that.

‘Please, madames et monsieurs. Boys and girls I ask you all to take two steps back now and to remember; Magic exists to serve man and although frightening I assure you my intent today is pure, you are all safe.’ _That ought to please those dour Knights_ she thought scowling behind her mask at the imperious Templars who watched on with near furious expressions.

Kat span around with the vial one final time, her bells reflecting the sunlight and casting little twinkling flecks of light around her as she did so. Then flicking the stopper from the vial she pressed the glass to her lips and downed the whole. _Showtime_.

First Kat grabbed and clawed at her own throat, some fearful folk took an extra step back as she fell to her knees. Others ran forward thinking she had begun to choke.

‘Stay back!’ She commanded with one hand up though her words were a little garbled from the liquid still in her throat. She pulled herself back to standing and covered her mouth with both hands. Kat knew it looked like she was retching as if she was about to vomit, she had to make it visceral, believable and judging from the looks of horror the adults were showing, and the morbid fascination of the children she was succeeding.

Carefully she tested her gloves, clicking her fingers before her and seeing a tell-tale spark.

Pursing her lips she snapped her fingers again as she pulled both hands away from her mouth, a burst of yellow flame pouring from her throat as the _Dragon’s Blood_ ignited in the air around her.

The crowd gasped and some shrieked. She spewed forth fire again and again, each time it looked as if she was merely blowing a kiss before the hot flames followed.

After her final fiery breath she gave a deep curtsy signalling the end of her performance and waited.

The silence was heavy as the crowd processed the miracle just performed. Then the applause started. Louder than ever before, cheering and hollering, the coins flying into her hat at apace. The urchin gaped at the air above her head that had so recently been ignited in flame, his eyes dropped to hers and they exchanged a smile. The young lad deposited his usual sovereign and waved and whooped with joy, till he was forcefully pushed aside by a band of four Templars who now made their way towards her.

‘Apostasy is a crime, you will need to come with us Mage’ one of them, a middle aged Knight snarled.

Kat rolled her eyes she had hoped, seeing as the Knight-Captain himself knew of her act, word would have gotten around the Gallows that she was in fact harmless.

‘Gentlemen, as I have explained to these good people many many times I am a Magician. The kind citizens of Kirkwall have nothing to fear from me’ at her words some of her more devoted fans began to jostle and shout at the Templars. But they pushed back and drew their swords.

‘You should all be ashamed of yourselves supporting this Heretic, back to your homes all of you!’

Kat panicked at the glinting Silverite blades, she couldn’t very well insight a riot and so at once approached the Templars with her hands held up in supplication. As they made a formation around her she shouted over the clanking armor ‘All will be well, I shall be back next week!’

There were boos and jeers as she was led away, none were aimed at her. She glanced over her shoulder and her dread rose, although a few of the audience had scattered she saw the majority watched her sad procession as she was dragged away. They looked angry. Maker what had she done?

Her shoulder was forcefully pushed by a heavy gauntleted fist ‘Ow!’

‘Shut up Mage’ the leading Knight commanded.

It was the only words spoken to her as she was marched her towards the docks and onto the Gallows ferry. ‘You’re making a mistake’ she snapped and folded her arms as she was shoved onto the boat.

‘The Knight Commander will be the judge of that, I have a feeling she will see things my way.’

Kat swallowed down her fear, there was no reason for her to fall foul of the Templars, it was ridiculous she was even being brought all this way; _Annie will have a fit when she finds out_.

‘Mask off’

‘No’ she held her chin up high refusing to be intimidated.

The front of her dress was roughly grabbed, she heard the seams ripping lightly as she was forcefully dragged forwards. The Knight’s breath was putrid; his pupils narrow as he yelled into her face ‘Mask OFF!’

Maybe she was a little scared. With shaking hands she complied but still refused to let this treatment go without admonishment ‘You can’t order me around like this. I’m not a Mage!’

A different Templar spoke this time not quite so unkindly ‘That’s what they all say but we’ve seen it girly, the bird, the bubbles and now the fire…’

Kat was exasperated ‘Are you listening to me, it’s all just trickery. I’m a Magician! The Knight-Captain himself has seen my performances and has investigated, surely you trust his judgement?’

The cruel Templar scoffed ‘Meaning you’ve bribed him, such a stickler for the rules that one. You must have been one pretty amazing fuck to get him to keep his trap shut.’

‘How dare you insinuate that I-‘

Her collar was pulled again ‘How dare I… What insinuate that you are a whore? Well we’ll see soon enough won’t we. We will see what you’ll do for special treatment just like all the good little mages do. And if you still run your lip I’ll make you Tranquil myself and then then we can have so much more fun.’

_No no no. _All the stories Anders had told her about the Gallows, she had dismissed them after a time as nothing more than propaganda. Cullen was a Templar; he wouldn’t let that kind of thing happen _right?_ Yet there was no subtly in that Templar’s threat.

Kat felt sick she had to get away _now!_

Forget ruining her dress, they had seen her face but didn’t know her name she could still disappear. Kat launched herself upright and dove towards the edge of the ferry, she could swim well enough to make it back to shore she just needed to get away…

As she leapt she was caught round the waist, her flailing arms grasped in bruising tight grips as two Templars restrained her. A sword was unsheathed once more ‘If you make one more move I’ll run you through!’ Kat whimpered and her limbs turned to lead, her frantic breathing was making her chest rise up and down, the only inch of her body she dared move.

‘You are pretty but not worth my while if you are going to fight me every step of the way_ Mage_.’

Kat’s eyes pooled with tears, she hadn’t been this scared since the Blight. But at least then she had been able to run. She stayed silent and still, even if she was armed there was no way she could fight off four men, even if she was able to use her vanishing powders there was no escape.

The ferry crossing was complete. Her eyes darted around frantically looking for any friendly faces. Hawke often came here for business or maybe Ser Carver would be on duty.

_There_, by the stairs leading up to the Gallows was a familiar halo of curls. Her heart briefly soared till she saw that he wasn’t looking her way and she was quickly dragged past his position. No, even if they chose to run her through where she stood she had to try and catch his attention. He had to know she was here.

‘CULLEN’ she screamed, almost sobbing with relief when golden brown eyes turned her way. Then an unseen thud to her head left her world dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you thought it was all fluff and apology cakes from here on out :p


	15. The Order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of introspection in this chapter, but sweetness too.

_Cullen POV_

_Easier to believe you lied than what was between us was real. That you actually <strike>loved</strike> cared for me and would have left behind that life. Fool that I was, I know now that the Templars have and will always be your only true love._

*****

Cullen had spent the last few weeks trying to keep a professional distance between himself and Kat, hoping to alleviate some of his foolish infatuation. He eventually called on her and had spent the time watching her tinker with tools of her trade. He knew she was dexterous; her card skills alone were evidence enough of that. But he noticed now how long and tactile her fingers were, how her lips pouted when she was concentrating and just how animated her green eyes looked when she was talking or teasing him about her ‘secrets’.

He cringed in remembrance at the way he stammered like his childhood self and then cursed his affection starved ego for letting un-requited emotions get in the way of the best friendship he had ever had. He had made her uncomfortable as was evident in her own flushed features and hastily dropped gaze.

Clearly he could still not be trusted in her presence and so had avoided going to see this week’s show, lamenting the loss of her unique and exciting Magic and her even more captivating persona.

‘It was beautiful’ he had confessed and it was, yet Cullen knew he wasn’t talking about her magicians act or _Joie_ at the time.

_How have I let this happen?_ He grimaced while adjusting his stance by the Gallows gate. His attraction to her had crept up on him so slowly, born of their friendship and shared past, built on now by her humor which so complimented his own and her willingness to trust him despite his previous transgressions. How the little playful nudges and supportive touches they had shared although innocent now made his heart beat a little faster.

Kat was beautiful inside and out, Cullen had only ever thought of one other person in that way and it had ended in disaster.

Romance was out of the question. Kinloch had taught him the painful truth; love was not compatible with his duty and even if it were what could he offer her?

He was addicted to Lyrium, his nightmares and breaking flashbacks during the day made him constantly on edge and fearful of anything that reminded him of that dark time. What’s more when the terror crept upon him his temper and reactive responses were often repulsive, _you attacked her_, _called for_ _the circle to be annulled._ _Maker,_ when he first arrived at Kirkwall he thought Mages were less than people and even boasted that attitude. His views had softened somewhat since then but it still made him incompatible with someone who practiced ‘Magic’ for a living.

That was why he must stay away.

And so he stayed away, even though she was performing that very day and his curiosity to observe what miracle she would now bestow upon the residents of Kirkwall was near clamorous. Not to mention the insatiable desire to just _see_ her again… it was good he volunteered to stand guard today. The Order gave him purpose and structure and that he could cling to when his whole being was itching for him to head over to the Market Square.

* * *

Noon arrived and passed, the rising heat and humidity baking the sun-bleached stones of the Gallows. He was ruminating on the cold and how much he missed having four seasons, as opposed the almost arid climate mixed with odd thunder shower this side of the waking sea, when he heard a noise that made his blood turn to fire in his veins.

‘CULLEN’ the scream was desperate, laced with fear and his every sense was on alert at once. _Kat?_ he turned, shocked and horrified as he saw her being manhandled by three Templars in full plate.

Their eye’s met and the flicker of relief on her face was so pronounced he could only imagine her terror. Without warning her eyes rolled back into her head and her body suddenly hung limp in his comrades arms as she fell, knocked unconscious by a fellow Knight who now was the sole focus of his wrath.

‘ALRIK!’ He shouted across the courtyard, the other Templars who were standing on duty immediately fell into line behind him. Cullen gripped the pommel of his sword tightly; it was all he could do to control the shaking rage which now flooded him.

The Knight in question stood with his arms crossed in front of the little group, of all of them it had to be _him_. 

‘What in the bloody void do you think you’re doing?’ Cullen spat fixing the party with a venomous glare, his entire being wound like a cobra about to strike.

‘Bringing in an apostate’ Alrik sneered ‘She did say she knew you but I’m sure Meredith’s prized dog wouldn’t permit a Mage to roam the streets now would he? Even if she is a pretty one.’

Alrik looked smug and unrepentant. Since Cullen’s promotion to Knight-Captain the elder Knight and he had constantly butted heads. Alrik questioned his authority, and constantly pushed at the boundaries and regulations Cullen had set, but this was beyond the pale.

He spoke out through near gritted teeth ‘Hand her over.’

‘An apostate running around for years… I think not. She must be dangerous, the men and I will see to her well-being, we’ll make sure she is made comfortable don’t you worry.’ The threat was clearly implied and only served to pour more fuel on his fury, his self-control was now thread away from snapping.

‘T_hat_ is an order.’

‘Enthralling the Knight-Captain, she must be a blood mage we should have her made tranquil at on-’

Cullen’s gauntled fist slammed into Alrik’s jaw with a sickening crunch, the elder man falling to the floor in a crumple of plate.

No one dared move to assist him; no one dared question the Knight-Captain’s authority when his anger prevailed. Alrik huffed and wheezed through his shattered face and still no one made a move.

Cullen spoke to all in the courtyard with deathly cool ‘Insubordination will not be tolerated.’

He turned his attention on the two Templars propping Katherine’s lifeless body up between them. ‘Do I need to ask again?’

‘N-no Ser!’ They pushed Kat towards him and he scooped her up into his arms, noting with relief that her eyelids fluttered as she was jostled.

He spoke quietly and ever so slightly shook her frame cradled as it was ‘Kat. Kat, please wake up.’

‘Mnnhmm’ a pitiful whimper escaped her throat as her head lolled over to one side. Cullen cursed under his breath.

‘Knox, Carver take her to the infirmary have one of the Healers attend her and let me know the extent of her injuries at once.’

‘Ser’ the men saluted before maneuvering the unconscious Magician between them. He hated leaving her in an injured state but he had his duty that had to be dealt with.

Alrik was spitting out blood beside him ‘Knight-Captain this is blasphemy!’ ignoring the irate miscreant he turned to the other complicit Templars who were assembled.

‘Ser Thrask? I thought you better than this’ the middle aged Knight looked ashamed ‘tell me what happened.’

He looked sheepish but spoke quickly ‘It is as Alrik said the Mage was performing -’

‘She is not a Mage!’ Cullen corrected with surprising passion.

Alrik voiced his complaint from his kneeling position ‘Say what you want Knight-Captain but we all saw it, she breathed fire.’

_Kat what have you done? _That gave Cullen pause but he knew she could do the seemingly impossible; he’d witnessed himself countless times. There was no doubt in his soul.

‘Not one more word from _you_’ he threatened and the combative Alrik for once held his tongue.

‘And the rest of you, did none of you think to try a silence or to smite this apparent fire breathing menace before she could hurt the public?’

None of them answered.

‘If, as you say, this dangerous apostate was running rampant in the streets did you not try to ensure the safety of the people?!’

Silence.

‘DID YOU?’ Cullen shouted at the mute Templars before him, they were poor excuses for men.

‘N-No Ser’ the mumbled responses finally came.

‘Of course not, because if you had done as you had been trained you would have realized that there is not a trace of Magic in her. Maker’s Breath the precedent you have set is a dangerous one.’

Cullen began to pace as he considered the implications of their assault not only on a personal level but in context of the changing attitudes towards the Templars as a whole. Men, with more than a decade of experience over him, arresting someone without first establishing the truth. _A disgrace to the Order._

‘You three to your rooms at once, you are confided till I send for you. And you-‘

Alrik looked smug and unrepentant, Cullen snarled ‘with me.’

The walk was brisk and silent, other Templars and Mages scurrying away from the stormy looking Knight-Captain. He had spent years trying to work on his rage, to foster fair and productive relationships with his comrades and charges but they all knew… they all remembered the angry young man who had first stepped off that boat. When Cullen was enraged it was best not be in his vicinity.

‘Ser Cullen’ the Knight-Commander spoke up from her desk, her eyes flicking over to the man who trailed him into the office noting his bloodied lip and rapidly swelling face ‘_and_ Ser Alrik to what do I owe this visit?’

Cullen growled at Alrik ‘Talk, I will be back momentarily after I have retrieved something from my office.’

Cullen took the chance away from prying eyes to let out a shaking breath, calming the fury which demanded retribution upon anyone who had ever dared hurt her.

He had to fight the wave of nausea that had hit him at the thought of Katherine, of _his_ Kat as a Tranquil. Cullen was uncomfortable enough with Tranquility when it was required by Chantry law, in the case of dangerous Maleficar or those unfit for their harrowing. But the prevalence of the Rite’s usage in Kirkwall was a constant source of unease. The final decision was not his and despite his calls for leniency, his recommendations of observation before taking that most final of step was almost always over-ruled. Maker-forbid Meredith didn’t believe him and considered implementing it here… _no that wouldn’t happen_. His Knight-Commander was stern but just, her judgement could not err, he had to believe that.

_But if she doesn’t believe you?_ It didn’t bear thinking about, but Cullen knew he would die before letting anyone lay a hand on her ever again. He wanted to be with her, to swiftly carry her from this most claustrophobic and oppressive of places, but knew he could trust the men _he_ had trained with watching her till he had dealt with this malcontent. She was safe for the present and with that his breathing finally slowed, his surety returning.

Meredith had always shown Alrik leniency in the past, but Cullen would not permit him to escape punishment this time. Retrieving the months old report from his meticulous filing he crossed back into his superiors’ office.

‘Knight Captain, Ser Alrik has said this Mage was performing dangerous magic. And when he has sought to bring her to the Circle for questioning you have struck him’ he rounded the desk and slammed the months old report down in front of his commanding officer, then went and stood back to attention.

Meredith read the document while Cullen talked; knowing the evidence was overwhelmingly in his favor.

_Holy Smite used at full force. Zero effect on target: conclusion, La Belle Joie is not a Mage… Accompanying Mage escort incapacitated in the blast, given Lyrium for recovery… Co-signed by Ser Carver and Enchanter Vincent._

‘Ser Alrik disobeyed a direct order _twice_. I have done far worse to recruits for insubordination, he should be glad to only have a broken tooth and not a flogged back.‘

Meredith’s lips pursed as she neared the end of the document then a knock was heard at the office door.

‘Enter’

It was Ser Carver who saluted at once ‘Forgive me for the intrusion Knight-Commander, Knight-Captain. I just wanted to let you know that the Mage attending the invalid has confirmed that she will make a full recovery. We also found this on her person; the Healer examined it and laughed, said it was what she used to make the fire.’ He held up a small vial, it was almost empty but for a few dregs of purple liquid.

‘Give it to me’ Meredith commanded. Ser Carver took his leave while Meredith removed the stopper and sniffed the contents. Setting the vial and report back on her desk she looked briefly irritated.

‘Ser Alrik it seems you have made a mistake, consider this a formal reprimand and be on your way.’

_That was it?!_ ‘Knight-Commander I must protest’ Cullen spoke up.

Meredith gave him leave to speak his mind as she always had done for him.

‘This is not the first time Ser Alrik has resorted to violence. It is bad enough that I have had reports of him using excessive force against our charges but to now have wrongly arrested a member of the public… Forgive me for speaking plainly but there is growing Anti-Templar sentiment in the city. We have been accused of inaction against the growing Qunari threat by the political class and by the common-folk we are accused of heavy handedness. It would send a reassuring message to both parties if this latest transgression was dealt with sternly.

‘Cullen.’ Meredith said soothingly in the same almost motherly tone she had always reserved for his outbursts of sour temper.

‘I believe this girl is a friend of yours and perhaps your judgement is clouded in this matter. Ser Alrik will have a note put on his record and you may of course apologize to this ‘Magician’ on behalf of the Order but as far as I can see there has been little harm don-‘

_Knock knock_

‘What now!’ Meredith snapped at the second intrusion.

‘S-Sorry Knight-Commander but there is a mass of people flooding into the Gallows. They are with some of the Viscounts own guard!’

Meredith betrayed a small flicker of alarm ‘Why is the Viscount busying himself with a street-performer?’

‘I- I don’t know about that Ma’am but the guards are saying that the Templars acted violently against the crowd just now, the civilians themselves are demanding Belle-Joie be released.’

Meredith’s hard blue eyes found Alrik’s ‘You drew your swords on the public?’

Now the malcontent paled and stammered his response ‘T-They were interfering in Templar businesses.’

Cullen could see the calculation behind Meredith’s icy stare. It was no secret she had political ambitions of her own perhaps that was the way to encourage her to act more kindly going forward.

Her fingers tented and when she spoke it brooked no further argument.

‘Cullen, please go and reassure the crowd. The Magician will be released as soon as she is fit and well, _I_ shall deal with Alrik.’

‘Yes Ma’am’ he saluted and made his way from the office, not sparing a glance to the now uneasy looking Veteran.

As Cullen descended the ancient stairs he was approached by one of the Viscount’s guards directly, he half recognized the man who gave his own nod of recollection.

‘Knight-Captain, your men have gone too far this time’ he shook his head in obvious frustration and continued on in a quieter tone ‘I thought you had already investigated the girl? The Viscount is livid, he always watches the show from the Seneschal’s window.’

_That explained the guard’s rapid response_ Cullen thought. It seemed as everyone in Kirkwall now knew of the famous Magician, even if her true identity was shared with only a trusted few. Which reminded him, he would have to sneak her out of here eventually otherwise her fans may mob her with their enthusiasm.

‘The Knight-Commander apologizes for the disruption today. The Magician sustained a small injury during her _questioning_’ Cullen nearly choked on the word ‘and is currently being attended by one of our healers. She is of course free to go as soon as she is able.’

An angry eavesdropper shouted up from the crowd ‘Liar, you’ll make her tranquil!’

Cullen raised his voice further; it wouldn’t do to have misinformation spreading. ‘I will _personally_ ensure that is not the case and will escort her away from the Gallows myself as soon as she is recovered. The Templars who mistakenly arrested her are all now subject to disciplinary proceedings.’

That seemed to ease some of the bubbling tension, the tight throng of people began to dissipate and the on duty Templars coupled with the placated guards encouraged the crowd back on to the ferry boats. Once he was satisfied that there was to be no further disturbance he all but sprinted over to the Infirmary.

_Katherine_, she was awake and sitting on one of the Infirmary cots by a small arrow slit window.

As he entered the noise of his armor clanking made her flinch and she drew her knees up into her body in a defensive ball.

‘It’s just me’ he said, her relief evident when she saw no one else was following into the room.

Her shoulders sagged and hands fell into her lap, her alarmed poise retreating into one of sadness.

Cullen had been too angry before and too concerned with checking her breathing to take in her state as a whole. She was pale and looked more fearful than he had ever seen; _skittish_ he would never have thought of that word to describe her before now.

The front of her dress had been ripped and where her undershirt had slipped from her shoulders he could see the tell-tale start of bruising, it looked like fingertips. He felt his fists clench in renewed fury. _I should have run Alrik through where he stood, _whatever punishment Meredith deemed suitable would never be enough for the wrath Cullen now wished to inflict upon the man.

Moving slowly and as noiselessly as he could in so much metal he collected a restorative from the apothecary’s cabinet and sitting next to her on the cot and pressed her to drink it.

Her hands shook a little as she did.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked softly.

Kat’s eyes dropped to her lap and she fidgeted with the thin cotton sheet tangled around her legs. ‘Oh I’m fine, there’s no need to worry really, I just don’t want to be here any longer than necessary especially with those other Templars about.’ 

Her voice was timid and she nervously kept glancing up at the door ‘They aren’t kind.’

‘Kat, I am so sorry you’ve been treated this way. I want you to know those responsible have been punished.’

That did little to alleviate her unhappy countenance and so feeling the overwhelming urge to comfort her he took hold of her hands, he wished he wasn’t wearing gloves. It seemed a crime to touch her, so soft and delicate, with his armored and hardened gauntlets, the same which had only just struck her assailant.

‘The things they said Cullen-’ As her mind was processed the grim possibilities, her breathing became more irregular, her green eyes shining glassy with unshed tears.

She met his gaze and her look of fear and worry almost broke his heart. ‘I- I’m scared’ she confessed.

Cullen’s thumb brushed over her knuckles in what he hoped was a soothing manner but her panic only increased till, in a surprise to him, she forced her way onto his lap and regardless of the Silverite surrounding him, pressed herself into the crook of his arms; She was quaking with fear and spoke muffled words into his neck ‘He said he would make me Tranquil so that I behaved, so that I wouldn’t fight back when he-‘

Katherine’s words descended into sobbing and Cullen was dumb struck with the full understanding of Alriks threat. _That animal, I’ll see him expelled for this_.

While he silently plotted revenge he did his best to stem the flow of tears which dampened his skin. ‘Shh, nothing like that will happen to you I swear it.’ He pulled her closer, rubbing her back in calming circles and shushing when a new wave of emotion wracked her frame.

It was true; he would never let Kat be tormented or touched against her will. After his display in the courtyard today every Templar in the Gallows must now know she was under his protection. But what shamed him into silence, why he couldn’t offer more condolence was that he wasn’t able to extend that offer to everyone.

He should be able to, he was the Knight-Captain and Maker knows he had tried to make improvements with Mage-Templar relations, to treat reports of abuse seriously and investigate thoroughly. But nothing seemed to help. He held Kat a little tighter as she whimpered in his arms.

The Circle was failing before his eyes. Alrik was the most prominent and flagrant abuser of the system but he knew there must be others who slipped under his radar or Mages who were too terrified to come and speak to him fearing retribution.

How many Kat’s had there been who he had already failed, who he continued to fail. Who just like she had done flinched when they heard the grind of metal armor approaching.

She cried her heart out and he was there to comfort her. How many others had cried without any support or even a sympathetic ear? He whispered reassuring words ‘You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you. I promise.’

The Templars needed to be better, he needed to do better. And he would start by making sure Kat never cried like this and never had to be scared again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obscene levels of fluff coming up!


	16. The Turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF with a generous side helping of sexual tension

_Kat POV_

_And that’s why I tried to fight it, to justify why it could never be allowed to happen between us. That I was setting myself up for inevitable disappointment and future pain._

*****

_So much for never crying_ Kat thought with self-reproach as Cullen held her through the last of her subsiding tears. She was grateful for his presence. It was solid, grounding and she appreciated the feeling of safety even if the rest of her surroundings filled her with a disquieting unease, the whole Circle did, it was little wonder Cullen had struggled to sleep here.

And so she clung on to him as if he were a steadfast rock in a stormy sea, she should have let go of him five minutes ago but the circles he was drawing aimlessly on her back were soothing her spirits_ hmm he’s warm even through all that metal._ It was nice to be held, she couldn’t remember the last time someone had comforted her this way. _And he smells nice_, a little like armor polish and Elderflower. She missed that scent: remembering how she used to weave the white blossom into her flower crowns back home. Maker knows why she could smell it now but between that familiarity and the solidness of his arms calmness prevailed.

Eventually the shadows grew longer in the room and she could not justify holding him any longer, he was the Knight-Captain he had duties to attend to. Sighing, Kat dropped her arms, Cullen stood and ever the gentleman offered his hand to help her stand. He moved to rummage through a clothes chest that was set at the foot of the now vacant cot and found an old robe for her to wear to hide her disguise. She wiped away the tear streaked khol from around her eyes and what remained of her scarlet lipstick, sniffling as she said ‘Ugh, I bet I look awful.’

‘Never’ came the instant response while he draped the brown cloth over her shoulders. Kat didn’t believe him and her arched brow must have indicated so as Cullen gently guided her to stand in front of a mirror she hadn’t seen on one of the infirmary’s corners.

‘There you see’ he said a little smugly causing her to scoff and roll her eyes.

At his urging she did briefly glance up at her own reflection. Familiar green eyes were still rimmed a little red from crying, her cheeks over-flushed, her dress…Kat scowled as she noticed the tear down the front, it would need repairing before it could be worn again and she sighed once more. The cloak covered her bruised shoulders and the rest of her costume; and without her mask she would be able to return home undetected, she hoped.

Kat’s eyes flicked over her shoulder to where Cullen was also appraising her image. His eyes radiating worry as he saw her hands twist in the fabric of the borrowed cloak in an unconscious nervous gesture.

Their eyes met, only for both of them to quickly look away. Kat felt a fool; it was absurd the way her heart was fluttering in her chest, it was the very definition of ill-timed. She should still be tearful and weeping and instead she was fussing about her appearance, cursing the void that she was so very plain and lamenting that he still seemed a little fearful of her even now, always looking away whenever she caught him staring.

Cullen cleared his throat to try and dispel the sudden awkwardness ‘We should get you home, Annie will be worried.’ Kat didn’t feel like correcting him, Annie would be working till late but the sooner she could be away from this place the better.

As they stepped out of the infirmary and into the courtyard a few heads turned their way, Kat saw Ser Carver give a little reassuring wave but most of the other faces were stony if not outright hostile. _What if the Templars all hate me now for getting their friends in trouble, my identity is at least partially public, they could find me, could come and make me Tranquil in my sleep!_

‘Hey-‘ Cullen interjected after noticing her rising unease. He spoke in a similar tone to when they were just chatting away at the Hanged Man trying his best to distract her with, what on the surface at least, seemed like a light-hearted question.

‘So er... apart from this miserable affair did your show go well?’ He asked as he handed her onto the ferry. It may have been well intentioned but his query made her a little nervous, _what have those men told him?_ She panicked, he was already fearful of her, would this latest Magical act be the one that finally drove him away. ‘It was fine’ she said quickly hoping to dispel his worries and not noticing how her foot had become entangled in one of the rigging ropes.

Kat gave an alarmed whelp as she part tripped, part slipped on the damp wooden pier; her eyes squeezed shut in preparation for her fall face first onto the deck. But the impact never came. Instead Cullen’s strong arms caught her around her waist and pulled her up flush to his armored chest.

_Thump thump_

He had to be able to hear her heart she was sure of it, her giddiness at his proximity almost made her feel dizzy, or maybe it was the swaying from the barge as the ferryman pushed them off from the jetty.

‘Just fine?’ He teased at her uncharacteristic clumsiness. Maker what was wrong with her!

Kat felt her color rising and quickly righted herself ‘Y-Yes why?’

They found their seats and made quick progress on the short trip over to the docks, their idle conversation continuing as they did so. ‘The men told everyone you were a fire breathing menace’ Cullen’s smirk pulled at the corner of his lips and she gave a hidden sigh of relief. Now, free of the shadow of the Gallows she could appreciate the absurdity of her situation and could start to reminisce without excessive trepidation.

Kat hummed as if deep in thought before answering with a wry grin of her own ‘Well, I’m afraid your men are correct. I was pretending to be a Dragon you see.’

A warming chuckle greeted her response and she couldn’t help but smile in turn.

‘Of course you were’ he said dryly but his eyes spoke of no annoyance or fear, only affection. Kat gulped.

Once they reached the far side of the harbor Kat was feeling suitably recovered from her ordeal and so hopped off the boat herself, falling into step alongside Cullen’s slightly longer strides.

Seeing him still at ease she felt brave enough to ask her own question ‘You aren’t annoyed? As the Knight-Captain you don’t think I went too far?’

Cullen shook his head ‘Not at all, I wish I had been able to see it.’ He suddenly looked thoughtful; a cloud passed overhead casting their progress in shadow. ‘In truth you are doing far more good when it comes to overturning peoples prejudice against Magic than all of Anders Sabre-rattling.’

Something was weighing on Cullen’s mind that much was clear and his preoccupation made her own reflections on her performance more somber. ‘That wasn’t my intention’ she said softly. ‘After my mother died everything I did was for other people and I just wanted to do something for _me_ again. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe enough to –‘ her words were silenced as she noted a young boy sat on her doorstep, he sprung to his feet when they approached.

‘Hello Belle-Joie!’

Kat studied the young lad, it was the boy from her show earlier in the day _but why_ ‘You know who I am?’

He shook his head ‘I didn’t but my Master told me where to find you, I’m a big fan.’

Kat was shocked but she had a duty to her fans and roused her cheerfulness ‘Yes I remember you from my shows, did you enjoy today’s performance?’

‘Did I? It was so cool! First all the card tricks like woosh woosh and then the fire was all Rooarrrrrr’ the lad hopped around and gestured wildly. Kat failed to hide her smile at such an enthusiastic display and beside her she heard Cullen’s quiet huff of amusement.

‘Oh and I saved this for you.’ The Urchin rummaged around in his satchel bag and withdrew her hat, still filled to the brim with her days’ earnings.

Her eyes widened ‘Thank you so much.’ It would have been relief enough to just have the hat back but still with the coins, it was unprecedented in Kirkwall. ‘Can I give you a silver in return for your honesty?’

The boy beamed at her praise ‘No need’ he said in a sing-song voice that reminded her of the summer games of her childhood. ‘In fact I have something else for you too.’

Once again the lad rifled through his bag, out came some wrapped sandwiches, a hammer, a money pouch, a few wax-sealed scrolls and leather stitched ball. Kat curiously wondered how he managed to fit so much into what seemed to be a little bag, but thought the better of asking too many questions of her mysterious benefactor. At last a large old leather bound book was thrust into her hands.

‘My Master is a big fan, you aren’t his usual clientele so he regrets that you will not be able to visit his Emporium in person but he has had this book for many and Age and feels you would benefit from its contents.’

_Many an Age?_ She looked at Cullen skeptically but he just shrugged. The tome was old and dusty but she noticed the fine leather binding had once been richly decorated in now flaked gold-leaf. This was precious to someone at one point and it wouldn’t do her to be disrespecting such a once well-loved belonging. 

Kat gave the boy a grateful smile ‘Thank you, I’ll treasure it. Please send your Master my kindest regards.’

‘I will, I loved your show today Belle-Joie please don’t stop performing.’

A sudden lump formed in her throat ‘I – I won’t’ the lad waved and scuttled away into a nearby alley, her nausea from the infirmary once again returning. Feeling a little shaken she sat down on her now vacated doorstep to collect her thoughts.

‘Aren’t you going inside?’

‘Not yet, I just need a bit of air.’

‘Okay’ Cullen sat down next to her on the little bricked step. It can’t have been easy in so much metal and those ridiculous skirts, but he didn’t complain. She was beginning to find it very difficult not to depend on this man when he insisted on being present and helping her when she was at her lowest, he seemed to have a knack for companionship for all he seemed to spurn the friendship of others.

After a comfortable silence of a few minutes Kat finally spoke. Her words were quiet and laden with remorse ‘I’ve just lied to that boy.’

‘Why?’ Cullen asked tentatively although he couldn’t hide his obvious confusion.

She gave him a sad sideways smile ‘How can I possibly continue to perform? I can’t protect myself. It was the Templars today, If you hadn’t intervened-’ she gave a slight shudder. ‘Next time it could be robbers or slavers or the Qunari and if anything happened to me Annie would be alone! I just _can’t_ take that risk.’ She felt her tears welling up once more but this time she had the strength to hold them at bay.

Cullen’s brow furrowed and he seemed at war with himself ‘I was thinking on the way over here. Although I wouldn’t want to impose if it is not something you wish…’ he glanced at her with those pleading puppy eyes. There was no expectation or demand in his expression just concern and a righteous desire to protect and Kat knew that whatever he was about to ask or offer she had already accepted.

‘What if I came by tomorrow? I could show you some simple techniques designed to incapacitate an attacker or multiple… just enough so you would be able to make an escape should anyone try to hurt you again.’

That was not at all what she had been expecting. ‘You would?’ he nodded resolutely and Kat could feel some of her leaded worry start to dissipate.

Maybe it was time she tried fighting again; she wasn’t a lanky teenager anymore and apart from her humiliating trip today she was usually quite graceful and quick. _Not to mention it would mean more time with him_, she schooled her traitorous thoughts. ‘Are you sure? I’ve not practiced in years and I wasn’t the best student when your Father tried to teach me.’

‘Of course I will’ his smile was a little bittersweet at the mention of the late papa Rutherford. Then he nudged her with his shoulder ‘And I’m used to dealing with rowdy recruits remember, I’m sure I can manage your temper for one morning.’

Kat giggled, her enthusiasm for the idea building ‘You won’t be so calm once I inadvertently stab you!’ They laughed again; it was always so easy with him. Katherine had many smiles, one for performing, one when she humored Annie, one that was flirtatious. But the one she shared with Cullen and only with him, it felt like the rarest of all and she cherished the radiating glow that bloomed every time she gave it.

It was doing so now, filling her up with warmth like hot-cocoa, overriding her reason and so before she could second guess herself she leaned over to kiss his cheek.

She didn’t mean to, but she found herself pausing just before she pulled away, her breath hitching when he turned his face slightly towards her. Their eyes met just as they had in the infirmary but this time he didn’t look away. Instead his gaze dropped to her lips and the intensity, the sudden spark of energy which coursed through her veins as his hand came to rest on top of hers took her breath away.

‘_Katherine_ –‘ his voice was deep and thick with emotion causing her riotous heart to thump wildly in her rib cage. This close she could see the faint lines of worry starting to form on his brow from his stressful position, how his soft brown eyes were ringed with gold and rapidly darkening as his pupils dilated, she felt she could see into his very soul. Kat was frozen in anticipation. But Cullen didn’t close the distance and that millisecond hesitation allowed the Magician to remember why she had so far ignored her deepening attraction.

Gasping she pulled away and stood at once, the blood rushing from her head to her legs making her a little dizzy ‘I-I’m so sorry!’ She stammered out through her rising humiliation ‘I swear I would never come between you and your love!’

Cullen looked dumbfounded. Of course her attentions would come as a complete surprise to him; she had scarcely allowed her changing feelings for him to be self-acknowledged, never-mind vocalized.

Now he looked away, his cheeks red no doubt from her unsolicited attention. ‘It’s okay’ he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck in the familiar gesture he gave when he was uncomfortable. Kat scrubbed her face with her hands. Andraste preserve her what was she doing? This was Cullen, her best friend! Her thoughts spiraled, he was going out of his way to make her feel safe and she was taking advantage of his kindness. _What am I thinking!_

‘Kat-‘

‘No! No it’s not okay I-‘ Cullen stood and patiently waited for her to explain, his look still one of confusion. ‘My head is just a little scrambled that’s all from all of the confusion of today…Forgive me please. Can we just forget that happened?’

‘If that is what you want?’

‘Yes, yes. That’s for the best.’ She bit back her disappointment when he gave a slow nod in agreement.

‘A-Apologies for taking up so much of your time today and for your kind offer, you don’t need to if-‘

‘Kat-‘ he sounded exasperated ‘I will see you tomorrow.’

‘Yes, tomorrow. T-Thank you. Goodnight!’ Not waiting for him to take his leave she launched herself through her doorway and closed it with a thud.

Still fraught with shame her back spun till it came into contact with the wood dividing her from the street. She heard him give a large sigh and then move away, his armor clinking till it became faint and then was lost to the rest of the noises from the city at twilight. _Oh Cullen_ she lamented. She stayed by the door for ten full minutes till her flamed cheeks had cooled and her confused thoughts had returned to normal.

When they did she allowed her head to thump painfully behind her._ Maker please don’t let me have messed this up. I’ll be better I swear, I would never make him choose. Please... _

* * *

Kat did not sleep well. It took hours for her to drift off as she chastised herself for her shameful actions. Cullen was in love. She knew he must be parted from them _whoever they are_ as he had never once mentioned them since that letter but that didn’t make it any less real. And she, weak-hearted fool that she was mistook his brotherly concern for real affection. Never mind his obvious fear of magic, of her magic! _Idiot girl_

Then when she did sleep she found her mind occupied by pleasant reflections of golden eyes before veering wildly into the hard stares of the other Templars. Caring morphing into callous, kind becoming cruel, healing warmth suddenly stripped away and she was left with a horrifying chill. She woke with a start a little before dawn and gave up trying to get more rest. She decided to wear her favorite dress, but it did little to cheer her as she noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Huffing she covered her small table mirror with a nearby muslin and went to prepare an unnecessarily large and complicated breakfast for her and her sister.

Annie hadn’t been pre-informed of her misadventure in the Circle and she was pleased not to have to relive her awful experience in order to set the younger girl’s mind at ease. It seemed the telling off she gave Hawke and her friends last time they panicked her sister had hit home at least for now. So Kat was able to pass the whole thing off as just a big misunderstanding and played down the ripped costume. She thought she had done a fair job of easing her sister’s worries, till she saw her siblings concerned stare when she rose for another busy day at the clinic.

‘Will you stay with her today?’ Kat heard Annie say quietly when Cullen came to the door about an hour after dawn. Annie was speaking quietly so she thought it best to pretended not to listen, instead she furiously scrubbed away at the breakfast dishes. ‘She never admits when she needs help but she was so out of sorts last night and I heard her crying out in her sleep, what little she must have got of it.’

That upset her to hear. _So much for protecting Annie from my troubles_, she thought darkly, lamenting that Cullen would now be worried too.

‘Of course I will.’ _Of course he would_, because he is kind and she is taking advantage of him. Using his friendship as a crutch for that something more which she longed for but wouldn’t give name to.

Kat had resolved months ago on not taking a lover but found her body was heartily disagreeing with her resolution, at least when it came to him. _Stupid handsome man with his stupid sexy face-_

She heard his throat clear behind her and turned with a smile of forced sweetness. He glanced up and down over her body, no doubt taking in her tired eyes and haggard appearance. Kat did the same to him, noticing his well-fitting brown leathers and fetching navy blue shirt which was left open at the neckline. Recognizing that her eyes were lingering on his broad shoulders she turned back to the sink and irritated with herself started to dry the now clean pots just for something to do with her hands.

‘Cullen, good morning. Could I get you some tea?’ She asked kindly without turning back to him, starting to fill up the kettle with water before even waiting for his reply.

‘Actually Kat, we should talk about yesterday-’

A cup she was drying clattered noisily onto the worktop. _He’s going to end our friendship, I pushed too hard, blurred the lines_.

‘About Ser Alrik and the others?’

‘Oh’ That chased away her nervousness and with a confidence she didn’t feel she turned to respond, crossing her arms defensively as she did ‘What will happen to them?’

Cullen sighed and slightly shook his head ‘Well if I had my way Alrik would have been discharged, he would have been discharged years ago for a whole number of transgressions. But in actual fact he and the others have all been put on reduced Lyrium for a month’s duration.’

That meant little to her. She knew Cullen took Lyrium to power his anti-magic abilities but beyond that ‘reducing your Lyrium is a punishment?’ she questioned trying to understand.

‘Yes’ he answered gravely.

‘Have you ever gone without it?’

Cullen gave a slow nod ‘When the circle fell. It is not pleasant’

‘I’m sorry to hear that’ she saw him pinch the bridge of his nose almost as if trying to chase away the memory. And although those Templars had hurt her, she didn’t feel comfortable with an ‘eye for an eye’ kind of punishment.

‘Is it, painful?’ She asked out of worry.

‘All consuming’ he replied earnestly while fixing her with that entreating stare again. The one that looked like he was trying to see through her, see past her current appearance to something that was no longer there.

‘Cullen, hey-‘

Her quiet concern seemed to shake away whatever he was seeing. ‘The Templars will be fine, we are reducing their rations not cutting them off. They will be grouchy and tired is all.’

Although she was relieved to hear she hadn’t inadvertently inflicted corporal punishment upon another soul she couldn’t shake the feeling that Cullen was still hiding the truth from her when it came to his time as a captive. A month ago she would have pressed him, would have thrived on the renewed childhood intimacy they now shared but she needed to step away from that, needed to curtail the unwelcome romantic feelings that were simmering beneath her skin.

Recovered Cullen shot her a somewhat cocky smile ‘Now that is not why I am here!’ He rolled up his sleeves and started to push the large heavy kitchen table to one side. ‘You go get your daggers’ she happily complied.

‘I recognize these’ he said wistfully turning the simple blades over in his hands.

‘They were your Fathers; he gave them to me when the Blight broke out. I’m sorry they are so blunt, I should have taken better care of them.’

‘Blunt weapons are best for today, especially if you are planning on tripping over again’ he mocked her fall from yesterday and Kat flushed scarlet. At his teasing a little ball of defiance filled her gut, normally she would give a wry reply or tease him back in turn but before a suitably witty comeback could form in her mind her instruction began.

They practiced for hours. Running through scenarios, testing her instincts and speed. Cullen was a patient teacher, she could see why he was in charge of training. It did seem as if he had found his calling with the Templars after all. Kat should have been enjoying his time and attention, but instead she found herself burning up with lust as the morning progressed.

Every time his hand came to correct her stance his hand felt warm against her body. Every time he drew her close in a disarming move she could smell his Elderflower and masculine scent. Every time he showed the slightest hint of his prowess she felt close to fainting like some virginal maid from one of Isabella’s novels.

_Is he touching me more?_ No it was just her imagination. They had always had innocent little touches it was just that now, to her desire-fueled mind they didn’t feel so innocent.

Her distraction cost her as at the next parry Cullen’s disarm sent her spinning, she found herself falling with Cullen very nearly landing on top of her. ‘Ah!’ she exclaimed.

Cullen laughed 'what did i say about falling hmm?' Kat almost couldn't hear him past the sound of blood in her ears. Their legs were tangled, keeping his body close even if he held most of his weight up with _his strong, muscular arms_. Prophetess forgive her unchaste thoughts.

‘Are you ok?’

‘N-no just a little surprised!’ They were both panting and as he did yesterday his eyes dropped to her lips. Maker was he trying to make her combust?

For all Kat was trying to withdraw from physical contact Cullen seemed to be doing the opposite, it was infuriating, intoxicating and she prayed he attributed the flush on her cheeks to their exertions rather than her flowering desire. He rolled off her and Kat sat up, squeezing her thighs together while he took her daggers from the floor and re-sheathed them. Even that innocent action made her groan with its blatant innuendo.

Of course he noticed and so loomed over with his solid presence and damnable chivalry ‘Are you ok?’

‘Hot, so h- hot yes. I’m just a little warm, Kirkwall heat right haha!’ Kat grimaced as he offered her his hand, even that touch sent the sparks flying straight to her core ‘Shall I make us some lunch?’ She squeaked and busied herself in food preparation, _anything _to avoid looking at him.

After they had eaten Kat felt her eyelids start to droop. The stress of yesterday coupled with lack of sleep and physical activity today had left her utterly exhausted.

‘Kat don’t you have work tonight?’

‘Yes’ she replied tiredly.

‘You should try to get some sleep’

‘mmnhhmm’ she agreed before letting out an un-ladylike yawn.

‘Come on’ he commanded and taking her hand tugged her upright.

‘Wha-‘

He half-dragged, half-coaxed her to move to her bedroom door ‘This one is your’s yes?’

She knew what he was doing but it was hopeless ‘I won’t be able to sleep’ she complained and, as if mocking her usual gesture Cullen rolled his eyes.

He opened the door, strode inside and pulled back her woolen coverlet on the bed. ‘Get in’ he said simply.

Kat looked at him dumbly ‘But-‘ he smiled warmly.

‘Maker you’re a stubborn woman’ her room was small, he only had to take one step and he was once again tugging her gently by the hand till her legs nudged the bed.

‘Please no, I don’t want to be alone’ she whimpered as he made to leave. _Pathetic_ she thought, slipping her eyes closed, half asleep where she stood.

A strong hand rested on her shoulder, unlike yesterday this grip was reassuring and gentle as she was coerced down onto the mattress. Feeling defeated she immediately rolled onto her side and formed a little ball, weariness creeping into her bones. The mattress dipped behind her and suddenly she felt alert and awake ‘W-What are you doing?’

‘Annie told me to stay with you, so that’s what I’m going to do’ he said simply as his body wrapped around hers. One of his arms was cushioned under his head the other laid along his side. Although they weren’t touching Kat could _feel _his body next to hers, the heat he radiated was inviting and ignoring the little part of her that felt ashamed for her neediness she scooted back, sighing as his warmth soaked into her aching body.

‘Plus I could use a nap myself’ he said tiredly and draped his free arm over her waist ‘Now get some sleep.’

‘I’ll disturb you’ she said quietly, and he answered likewise, squeezing her lightly as he did ‘You aren’t the only one who has nightmares, don’t worry.’

And it was that easy. They were in bed together and there was no awkwardness just sweetness and that familiarity and domesticy they had been fostering first a the Bar and then at his frequent home visits.

‘Kat, about what happened yesterday… on your doorstep’

Her heart thudded, the fleeting happiness she had been feeling chased away by her fear of losing him even as a friend ‘Cullen, please I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again’

‘No, it’s… who do you think I love? Did you mean the Order?’

Kat felt like crying, was he being cruel? She didn’t think Cullen had a vindictive bone in her body and after all he had done for her today she owed him an answer ‘No, I mean her. Whoever she is.’

‘Who?’

‘The one you told me you were in love with in your letter. The one you keep secret. She must be a Mage I think…’

Cullen didn’t reply, he didn’t pull away but also didn’t draw her closer. He was protecting her or a secret and that was okay. He wasn’t offended and he was here.

Her exhaustion quickly caught up with her, her breathing leveled out as her body hovered on the precipice of sleep. She was sure she imagined a whispered ‘You’re wrong’ before feeling the pressure of lips on the top of her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy we are getting closer to the saucy bits XD


	17. The Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this update is a little late. I probably should have split this chapter in two but hey ho, here we go!

_ Cullen POV _

_ You were my best friend and confidant, my link to the past and safe harbour in the present. Our friendship, your time and care was too important to risk on the chance you felt something more… _

xxxx

  
  


‘You’re wrong’ Cullen had confessed after she had drifted to sleep, pressing a chaste kiss to her hair and pausing to inhale the sweet lavender scent.  _ So completely wrong _ he thought sadly as he concentrated on her steady breathing, the sound doing little to ease his pained reflections.

He had not realised that Kat believed he was attached, how could this have never occurred to him before now? He thought on it. She had mentioned the letter before  _ the one that broke her heart _ , but his unwillingness to talk about the past or his time in Fereldan meant that he had never put to rest what she had alluded to back then. Kat thought him in love with Surana, when with the benefit of hindsight he  _ knew _ he never had been.  _ A little infatuated sure _ he conceded. He’d pined over her for almost a year, but he only knew her at a distance, he didn’t know what foods she preferred or colours she liked. And even in their sparse conversations he only saw the woman as she presented herself to the Templars, kind, calm and a little flirtatious. They were not equals, never would have been and nothing would ever come of it even if she hadn’t been recruited into the wardens, made a hero and was currently the Royal Mistress.

Surana had only ever smiled at him in one way, the polite albeit slightly mischievous smirk which she gave warmly and freely to everyone. ‘Content’ was the only expression he had ever seen on her face barr her worried concern at the time of his rescue.

Not like Katherine. He glanced down at the sleeping angel in his arms, the light filtering through the shutters in speckled rays was making her brunette hair shine a Garnet red. She looked content now too, peaceful even. But unlike his previous ill fated crush Cullen had seen a full spectrum of emotions and expressions from her.

Angry, hurt and sad there was no doubt he had seen Kat at possibly her lowest. Even now in his Nightmares of the tower he found himself running along blood stained corridors, turning a corner to find, not a desire demon, but Kat bloody and beaten. A haunting reminder of what could have been if he had decided not to interfere with the quarrel that day, If he had turned away from his duty to protect. 

Thank the Maker he had found her in time.

For all her trials, her most recent arrest and questioning at the Circle included, her brilliance had not been dampened and Cullen found her dazzling in her brightest moments. When she was performing with her infectious enthusiasm and incomparable skill. When she was at work in the Hanged Man, friendly and teasing. Cullen scoffed as he recalled their unlikely reunion at the crowded old Inn. For all her initial hesitation and his stumbling awkwardness they had fallen into a routine and renewed their friendship almost as if they hadn't been parted for eight years. _ Eight long lonely years _ .

And now, affection graced her every smile, she was warm, caring and flirtatious with him. Her confidence had grown seemingly in parallel to their relationship though Cullen wouldn't take the credit. He saw how hard she worked for herself and Annie, she had pulled herself up on her own, he was just glad to have witnessed it.

_ Have I seen her look of Desire too? _ The question rang unbidden. He had thought so yesterday while they were seated outside, in fact he was so certain that if he had been more bold or given a second longer he would have kissed her. Kissed those cherry lips which were now slightly parted with sleep. He longed to…Cullen could admit to himself he had been thinking about kissing her for a year. Ever since their very first card game when the drunken patron had said the prize for winning would have been a kiss. He would never have presumed to take one from her should he have won, which in retrospect had been impossible with her cheating, but he should have liked to have teased her about it. To see if she would have flushed in embarrassment or if her eyes would have dropped to his own lips in silent permission.

Kat gave a small whimper in her sleep and Cullen pulled her closer into his chest, whatever disquieting dream she had been having chased away by his warmth. 

_ It should feel odd _ he thought as their heartbeats fell into sync,  _ but it doesn’t _ he conceded and returned to his musings. 

He had to know if he had imagined the spark between them or if it was just another hopeless infatuation on his part one that, if found to be in vain, would be far more painful and difficult to overcome than his teenage crush.

Cullen would never be inappropriate. When his eyes wandered over her figure or face with admiration, which was increasingly often, he was quick to scold himself and drop his eyes. Today during training he did not permit his hands to linger on her body any longer than was strictly necessary. Yet every time he touched her to correct her stance or drew her close to demonstrate a disarmament he had heard her breath hitch. Throughout the course of their morning he had noticed her rising colour and how her chest had begun to heave against the constraints of her pretty dress. When he had her pinned beneath him he saw her pupils dilate, felt the way her body arched towards his and he had to call an end to the practice.

He had not imagined it. And that realisation had made his blood boil with lust.

Cullen squeezed his eyes shut to block out the temptation before him. Being pressed as he was, close tight to her hot body, he was becoming rapidly and painfully aware of how his need for her was stirring in his loins.

He muffled a moan in her hair when she unconsciously wriggled across his hardening shaft and his hand twitched against her stomach, eager to grasp onto the curves he had been shamelessly admiring for months.  _ Maker her curves _ Cullen praised. Katherine’s body was in full bloom as whatever thinness she had carried over from the Blight continued to diminish, replaced instead by saintly hips that flared out from her trim waist and full breasts that even now were strained against her bodice.

_ Stop it! _ he scolded, twisting to turn his body away from where it had been pressed flush against her. Shame flooding him at the feeling of his manhood hard and demanding in his pants. 

Sleeping together like this was an indulgence he could not repeat, his control was hanging on by a thread. Kat was his best friend, damn near his only friend. Whatever else he many want she had made it clear that their near kiss was a mistake and should be forgotten about. So he would respect her wishes,  _ after _ he had made one thing clear to her. Cullen wasn’t in love, at least not with Surana.

He was however completely and utterly bewitched with the woman sleeping in his arms and, settling his head back on the pillow with a frustrated huff, he did not know how he was ever to tell her.

* * *

  
  
  
  
  


Cullen had been saddened when he heard of the death of the Viscounts son a couple of months ago. An innocent caught in the crossfire between his own beliefs and the Chantry’s teachings. He had hoped, as was his own experience with trauma, that it would light a fire under the Viscount. Would give him the resolve to act more decisively against the Qunari encampment and provide the Templars and Guard with the additional support they needed to help keep the peace.

However as Cullen saw the brightly lit enclave from the ferry as he crossed that evening, he knew that had proved not to be the case. Things were even more unsettled in the city and surrounding countryside. His own men had been caught up in the odd skirmish with the Qunari on the wounded coast. In response he had increased the squadron size, hoping that the greater numbers would at least act as a deterrent.

Unfortunately he could do little else other than ensure his men were kept safe, and the Qunari were kept far away from his charges. Kirkwalls Mages being rounded up and having their lips sewn shut was another new and truly horrifying recurring nightmare he was facing, the prospect of it becoming a reality making it all the more terrifying.

With neither the politicians or Chantry willing to take a stance and Meredith too concerned with tighter restrictions on the Mages he knew something was going to break, and soon.

Cullen stepped from the ferry and made his way into the Hanged Man. He was relieved to see that Anders was absent, grimacing with the memory of his recent run in with the Warden Apostate.

Ser Alrik had been murdered and although he did not mourn the man in the slightest, as Knight Captain he had been required to investigate. There was no evidence at the scene, however Hawke with Anders in tow did come to him a day later with a blood stained missive that belonged to the late Knight-Lieutenant. Despite Cullen’s assurances that the Tranquil solution was not to be implemented, the letter itself confirming the fact; that  _ Abomination _ dared to abuse him to his face, called him no worse than Alrik. He was sickened by the comparison.

Cullen could have been sympathetic, could have acted contrite and reassured them of the Templars noble intentions, but he was incensed at such a disgraceful accusation and so purposefully baited the deserter and Hawke regarding the behavior of all Mages. It was perhaps not his most sensible idea, but he felt a little better just for getting under the rebels skin. ‘There is an argument for the rite to be used more widely’ he had said, not believing it himself for a second. The harrowing had served its purpose for centuries and although reforms were needed  _ couldn't Hawke see her repeated interference in the circle was only making things worse? _

Everytime a Mage was found to have escaped those that remained faced more severe controls, he tried to preach moderation to Meredith but so often she turned on him now, citing his failures. He grumbled under his breath at the difficulty of the situation before his conflict, then noticed Katherine standing at the bar. Everything seemed a little more manageable with her around and so his worries were pushed aside for another evening.

Only Isabela and Varric sat at the crews usual table tonight, the Latter giving a murmured ‘Curly’ as he took up his usual seat.

He waited for Kat to notice him not wishing to disturb her study of the large book she was reading, her pale green eyes flicking quickly across the pages. He looked away once he realised he was staring  _ again _ . For all his resolve when they had first fallen asleep together Cullen had been unable to find the appropriate moment to return to the pressing matter of his feelings. Of his long extinguished attraction for the Hero of Fereldan and the far more potent, all consuming  _ need _ he felt for Kat. First Annie had stumbled upon them sleeping together queueing many fumbled explanations and cheerful laughter from the teenager. After such mutual awkwardness any further steps towards intimacy had been halted, instead they had fallen back into their usual routine. Which was great but maddening when _ all I want to do is tell her I lo- _

‘The bar is quiet this evening’ Kat commented drawing him from his reverie with a jolt.

‘O-Oh, yes’ he replied feebly as a beer was placed in front of him. ‘Where are they all?’

He took a sip while Kat looked over to the quiet corner looking grim ‘I’m not certain but I think it’s serious this time’ then she added lightly ‘Isabella hasn’t propositioned me once yet tonight.’

Cullen nearly choked on his drink.

‘Honestly I'm a little relieved that I didn't join up with their troupe back when Hawke offered...’

Feeling suitably recovered from the thought of Kat in bed with the brazen Rivaini Cullen was able to reply solemnly ‘I am relieved too. Trouble haunts Hawke and I couldn't stand the thought of you in harms way.’

For the first time that evening their eyes met and Cullen saw her eyebrows rise at his admission.

‘Not, that is, I mean, you are perfectly capable of looking after yourself of course’ he felt his cheeks burn and quickly pulled his tankard up to his lips to hide his embarrassment  _ smooth Cullen. _

Kat gave a tinkling giggle at his apparent discomfort and he cautiously looked back over to her, admiring her own flushed cheeks and happy expression. ‘Silly man I know…’ she seemed to think on her next words before adding quietly ‘and I feel the same about you.’  _ Oh _

Clearing her throat she looked back down at her open book and began taking notes with a bit of charcoal on a scrap of parchment alongside it. 

‘What are you reading?’ Cullen asked, unwilling to relent her attention now he had claimed it.

‘It’s the book I was gifted by that Urchins’ master. It is fascinating, seems I wasn’t the first Magical performer in Thedas after all.’

Cullen craned his neck over, only to receive a playful swat on the arm whilst Kat slammed the leather covering closed.

‘Ah ah, Magicians only’ she teased and turned to stow it and her notes in her satchel under the bar chatting idly as she did so ‘I’m working out my what I need for my performance at the Viscounts in two weeks.’

Cullen groaned and dropped his head into his hands ‘Maker is it that soon?’

‘You’re going?’  _ She sounds pleased _ , that was something at least, Cullen was dreading the assembly.

He nodded ‘Unfortunately. Meredith usually attends these functions but she has been much occupied lately, I scarcely see her outside of her office, I may try and get out of it-‘

‘No! You should come’ Kat had her lip caught between her teeth as she studied him with a twinkle in her eye. ‘You will get to see my grandest performance to date’ she leaned over to pat his hand affectionately ‘Besides I should like a chaperone.’

It was worded as a statement but her tone was all question and there was nothing he could refuse her. Cullen couldn’t contain his smirk at the invitation ‘Is that so?’

Her face briefly flickered with relief ‘yes and you Ser Knight will do splendidly.’ 

This could be the chance he had been looking for.  _ A walk to the palace there and back and quite alone _ he agreed wholeheartedly. ‘Very well then I shall pick you up on my way.’

Kat beamed and then looked thoughtful ‘La Belle-Joie and the stalwart Knight Captain arriving together, what will the gossips say?’

Cullen’s brow furrowed ‘There are gossips?’

‘About you, certainly! You have quite a following among the noble ladies of Kirkwall.’

‘Maker’s Breath!’

Her laughter once again echoed out in the quiet little Inn.

* * *

  
  


Cullen was punctual with his appointment, knocking on Kat’s door at the agreed upon time. Although he had been loathe to attend the Viscount’s gala at first he found that with the trouble in the city ever worsening he would actually appreciate the distraction. 

His ceremonial armor had been polished to a high shine, it was only the second time he had worn the piece, the first being his swearing in as Knight-Captain. The Silverite breast plate was a little lighter than his standard issue and had golden filigree detailing. His heavy pauldrons were replaced with shining epaulettes that sat on his shoulders from which a cape draped across the expanse of his back and ghosted along the floor as he walked.

‘Hi Cullen, don’t you look handsome! She’s just finishing getting ready.’ Annie gestured for him to come inside and he did so lingering between the kitchen and the hallway a little awkwardly.

The little white pigeon cooed in its cage at the familiar face and he gave the bird a few sunflower seeds. ‘Are you not going to be the star of the show tonight little birdy?’ Cullen questioned.

‘Not tonight’ he heard Kat shout from her room, turning his head just as she made her way into the hallway herself.

Her usual costume was retired for the evening and instead Cullen found himself gaping as Kat, adorned in striking red and black from head to toe strode confidently forward. Her long limbs were covered as always, this time instead of garish plaid leggings she wore a sultry red and black brocade, a layered skirt flared from her waist, short at the front with a dipped hem at the back. It was mirrored by a plunging sweetheart neckline that revealed an appetizing amount of cleavage a beauty mark he didn't know she had just peeking out on the swell of her breasts. Cullen ripped his eyes away to admire the rest of her adornments. Gone were her usual bells and instead her wrists and a circlet around her hips were bejeweled with glistening red stones, her flat slippers replaced with high heeled boots. The only thing that looked usual were her white silk gloves.

He could have stared at her for hours. She gave a little spin at his obvious appraisal ‘How do I look?’

Cullen’s coherence abandoned him. His hand found the back of his neck and he scrubbed at it furiously praying for the words, for any words that would come close to describing her radiance.

_Like desire itself_ he thought ‘Perfect’ he croaked, hoping that his lack of eloquence hadn’t offended her on the biggest night of her career. Kat gave a shy smile at the praise, her dark lashes dropping to sweep across her cheeks. She stepped closer to him and rested her hands on his shoulders ‘Annie was right, you look very handsome’ she spoke quietly but Cullen could scarcely hear her words from the rushing blood in his ears. With her new heels she was only an inch or so shorter than him and he found himself leaning slightly into her touch without a thought.  _ She is so close _ , he could smell her vanilla and lavender scent and he longed to nuzzle into her hair.  _ He _ was so close he could see the contrasting flecks of hazel which circled around the center of her otherwise pale green eyes. 

In an act Cullen found highly intimate she began to fuss with his clothing ‘Your cape isn't sitting quite right-’ she folded over the rich red trimmed wool till part of the gold silk lining was revealed, smiling up at him when she was satisfied. ‘There’ her painted lips tilted upwards.

Maker he  _ had _ to tell her. Desire was well and good but if there was any chance she possibly  _ felt _ the same it would make him the happiest man in the world. ‘Kat I need to-’

Annie cleared her throat and the pair sprang apart ‘you will both be late’ she said a little cheekily handing Kat her mask for the evening. That was the same at least.

‘Yes, my cloak’ Kat drew a long dark cloak with a hood around her frame that covered her costume entirely.

‘Well then Ser Knight?’ Cullen took the cue and offered her his arm, feeling her gloved hand come to rest within the crook. 

* * *

  
  
  


There were certainly a few surreptitious glances their way as Cullen lead her up the steps to the Viscount’s palace. Kat squeezed his arm for support before an attendant came to gather her cloak, as soon as it was removed a whole array of well wishers swarmed her and Cullen begrudgingly had to step away.

He stayed within earshot, cooley dismissing any attempts at political conversation that came his way and sticking to pleasantries. Cullen was to be a chaperone and he was determined to do it well. When he heard her voice sound a little strained he cleared a path to her and insisted she took a drink, her eyes shone with gratitude at his timely intervention but soon the Viscount himself was coming to speak with her; and so Cullen had to stand aside once more.  _ All the more reason I want, no, need to confess to her _ , if they could be together, openly, then not even the Divine herself would be able to force him from her side.

‘Monsieur, it is busy this evening non?’ Kat said when she returned to his side, several admiring glances turning their way. It was odd hearing her speak with the Orlesian accent so intimately. He was used to hearing her project and command her audience, here she was all about soft persuasion and coercion. Although Cullen didn’t think there was any noise better than her own sweet voice when she sang or laughed, he could admit that her breathy ‘Mon Dieus’ and lilting giggles were very appealing.

‘The Viscount will be giving his speech soon so i need to get in place’ she whispered at some unseen signal from an attendant.

‘Wait, ah-’ Cullen grasped her wrist and Kat looked back with some confusion. ‘Good luck’ Cullen said feebly but a wave of confidence from the glass of wine he had been drinking spurred him into bending over her hand, and kissing her silk covered fingers.

Her free hand came to rest over her heart at the gesture and although it was difficult to tell in the dim light he swore her color increased.

_ Blessed Andraste _ , maybe he wasn’t hopeless after all.

After the Viscounts speech two servants wheeled a large mirror into the center of the hall, just before the dais. It was large, oval and set with sconces that were quickly lit with a flame, then the other lamps in the hall were dimmed and Cullen felt the ripple of excitement in the room.

‘Madames et Monsieurs, it is an honor to be among you all tonight!’ 

He could faintly see her shimmering outline as she crept among the crowd using her rogues powders. She came to stand in front of the mirror and then appeared in a flash of brilliant light, casting an enticing silhouette as she called out ‘It’s showtime!’

Kat’s performance began with a few familiar card tricks and simple illusions. A Dowager was delighted as the Magician procured some posies from thin air and handed them to the elderly lady with a graceful curtsy. Others cooed and clapped as she made cards leap about and seemingly read minds. An ambassador from Ostwick scowled as she made her palms dance aflame, clearly no one had forewarned him about her ‘magic.’

‘You are a Templar, you permit this Mage to perform in such a sinful manner?’ The man complained bitterly when he came to stand by Cullen.

Cullen’s eyes narrowed at the insinuation that one, he was failing in his duty and two, that what Kat was doing was anything other than the Makers work. Something which brought so much happiness to so many he could not believe to be otherwise. 

Cullen replied icily ‘She is not a Mage. She is a Magician and the Knight-Commander herself has given her leave to act as she wishes.’ 

‘But this is heresy’ he hissed loudly drawing a few disapproving tuts from those standing close by.  _ A Zealot _ , Cullen thought darkly. He knew how to handle those.

He rounded on the man and fixed him with an incredulous glare, his hand resting upon the pommel of his sword ‘Are you questioning the judgment of the Templar Order? Of the very righteous arm of the Chantry itself? Are you a dissenter Ser?’

‘N-no of course not’ the man stammered at being spoken to as if he were anything less than devout.

‘Good’ Cullen clapped the man firmly on the shoulder and squeezed, hard. ‘Glad to hear Ostwick is still obedient to the Chantry’s law’s, I would hate to have to file a report with the Grand Cleric about your family…’

‘T-Trevelyan, and we are the most virtuous and pious of family’s.’

Cullen almost rolled his eyes at the spineless backtracking but instead gave a solemn nod ‘Makers blessings’ and turned to watch Kat as she prepared for her finale.

Kat spun the mirror around three times on its small wheels and then asked a nearby lady to come forward and tap on the silvered glass to prove its solidity.

Once the public had stepped back a few feet at her insistence the flames that adorned the mirror suddenly flared brighter, and their hue became a deeper red. Cullen was certain some alchemical reagent had been used but to those who didn’t know her secrets it was as if she was bending the laws of nature itself.

The lights in the room were darkened further, the flickering flames cast Kat in a deep shadow and made the mirror seem almost like an otherworldly portal. Cullen was riveted to the spot as Kat demanded the party-goers attention once more. The Divine herself could have walked into the room and it still would not have drawn Cullen's attention away from his beguiling, seductive and enchanting friend.

‘Honored guests, it has been a joy to perform for you all but now I must take my leave’

She gave a deep curtsy with a flourishing wave ‘Adieu!’

Kat placed both palms flat against the mirrors surface, there was no doubt it was still intact, still solid. But then… Cullen could scarcely believe it. The audience gasped as the Magician stepped through the impassable surface, her body lit brilliant in red as she did so. Those standing off to the side seemed even more awed as they could see she had not stepped through the other side.

The flames around the mirror were instantly extinguished shrouding the room in darkness. As the Chandeliers and lamps were quickly re-lit cheers started to ring out. La Belle Joie had passed through a mirror and had vanished. The whole palace was abuzz and Cullen, who was well used to her miracles could only join in with their clamorous applause. 

It was a short time later when a quiet sentence was whispered near his ear.

‘Pretend you don’t know me, they'll remember we came together!’

‘Kat?’

‘Yes Ser, would you care for a drink?’ She winked at him as she offered him a glass of wine from her servers tray. Cullen had to mask his chuckle at her ruse.

* * *

  
  
  


As the cool night air hit his cheeks and they were far enough away from prying ears Cullen finally allowed his praise to spill forth.

‘That was amazing, you are amazing’ he said with conviction drawing a smile of genuine delight from Kat, her hand squeezing his arm just like she had done at the start of the evening.

‘Thank you’ she said earnestly. Her smile faltered and she added a little quieter ‘not quite as impressive as the Hero of Fereldan.’

‘What?’ Cullen’s stomach lurched.

‘It’s her isn’t it? The woman you’re in love with? Hawke said you knew an Amell, said you looked all moon eyed when you talked of her and called her the finest woman you knew. I already knew she must be a mage and well...how does one compete with that?’ 

Cullen felt anxious for himself but it paled in comparison to the sadness he felt at Kat’s apparent resignation. How did he go about refuting such a conclusion, after keeping it hidden for so long? How could he explain... But with the despair came resolve. He would tell her everything, how he felt then, how he felt now and throw himself at her feet.

‘Katherine no! I did say those things but it’s not what you think-’

She spoke sadly ‘It’s okay I won’t tell anyone I know it would get you in trouble being a Templar and all.’

Cullen halted their progress and took her hands in his, she wouldn’t meet his eyes. ‘Listen to me’ still she would not look up so he tilted her tin gently with his fingers.

‘I am not in love with her, I never was’ Kat rolled her eyes but otherwise remained still and attentive ‘I was young and hot blooded and she was very pretty.’

‘So I’ve heard’ she sounded jealous, her bottom lip pouting slightly and that gave Cullen even more hope than all her pretty smiles and not so innocent touches combimed.

‘What i felt for her was a distant admiration, a crush that has long since passed.' 

Still Kat remained silent, her eyes shining in the moonlight.

‘I barely knew her, not really, not like i know you...’ he released her chin and placed his arms over hers, gently rubbing some warmth into her body. It was now or never. 

‘Oh?’ she asked leadingly.

'She was friendly, but she didn't make me laugh at myself, or find joy in simple things... Like cake. '

'Go on' she urged and he saw her swallow away her nervousness.

‘She was pretty, but you are…’ He drew her closer and she molded herself along his body, her arms coming to encircle him as his did hers.

‘Yes?’

‘Kat, you are breathtaking. You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out and I-’

‘Cullen -’ she whispered as she leaned ever closer towards him. _This time_, this time he had to kiss her else he would go mad. 'Kat' he murmured a hairsbreadth from her lips.

Alarm bells rang out towards the docks. 

Cullen growled audibly as their foreheads came to rest together, the spell broken for now. As they breathed into the space between them there was a grating noise which Cullen couldn't place. They both turned and in the distance he could see a huge gate folding open.

‘The Qunari?!’ Kat gasped.

Cullen clutched at her hand and they sped towards her home. When they got there he kissed her fingers once again before releasing it.

‘Stay inside, light no candles and bolt the door. Do not open it for anyone you don’t know no matter what they say. Do you understand?’

Kat nodded, tears in her eyes ‘Yes’ she whispered fearfully.

‘I will come back as soon as it’s safe’ he promised, stroking her cheek before turning away into the night.

‘Be careful’ she pleaded, though he was already too far away to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The suspense!!!!
> 
> Heads up, the next chapter will be NSFW and if you have read any of my works before you will know that I write explicitly. I really hope this doesn't offend anyone. The rating will be adjusted accordingly.


	18. The Kaleidoscope*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what that little star means right? This chapter is nsfw so please don't read past the second page break if this will be uncomfortable for you.
> 
> If you are here for the fruity bit then please enjoy!

_ Katherine POV _

_ ...But you did. And it was glorious. _

xxxxx

The performance at the palace had been a tremendous success. With nobility assembled from all over the Free Marches she could be assured of word spreading about her act and hopefully secure other similar high-paying shows. 

So why Kat had decided to ruin her otherwise perfect evening with her ill timed jealousy she couldn't be sure. ‘What?’ he asked whipping his head around, his amber eyes wide with shock. _ Oh yes, that's why. _ She thought sadly as the moon made his close-cropped curls shine like gilded silver, his dark brow furrowed with concern.  _ Because he is caring, kind and without a doubt the best man I know. _

She had rejoiced in his attentions tonight. He had been an attentive chaperone, thoughtful and concerned and in his formal uniform he had cut a far more striking figure than anyone else in the room. It was no wonder heads turned as they had entered, she had had people fussing around her out of curiosity and novelty but Cullen had drawn far more notice with his stoic presence. Admiring glances concealed behind fans and subtle gestures of the head. He truly didn't realise the effect he had on people,  _ on her! _

How long had she wanted him now? Her vow to swear off men had been a vow to protect herself from him. She couldn’t pretend to be disinterested in romance when with every chivalrous gesture and burning look he eroded her resolve.

‘l...how does one compete with that?’ She had whispered, ignoring his sudden protestations and awkward assurances. They only hurt more, stung even, like his praise tonight.

After their near kiss and heated training session a few weeks ago she had done her best to keep her distance. But it was for naught, her heart had already decided it was to be an unrequited love and now she had to live with the double edged sword of having equal parts pleasure and pain in his company. Not willing to forgo the friendship but never able to enact her desires.

_ I’ll never be enough _ \- Her gloomy reflections were cast aside when suddenly she felt his fingers at her chin. Coaxing her to face him and her foolish confession.

‘I am not in love with her, I never was’ Kat rolled her eyes but something inside her leapt with joy at his wholly unexpected words. 

Their next exchanges she could hardly remember as her blood thundered in her ears,  _ he doesn't love her, he doesn't love her, HE DOSEN’T LOVE HER! _

‘I know you...’ his hands were on her, stroking up and down her arms and filling her with warmth. Kat spoke in single syllables as he continued to fill her with hope.

‘She was pretty, but you are…’ such sweet words, she had longed to hear such a confession from him and as he pulled her closer she went willingly, like a moth to the flame.

‘Kat, you are breathtaking. You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out and I-’

‘Cullen -’ she whispered tilting her face up and parting her lips.  _ Kiss me _ she silently pleaded.

  
  


What happened after was a blur. She vaguely remembered the sound and feeling of Cullen growling, the vibrations shooting desire straight to her core. But any pleasant sensations were quickly replaced with panic and rising fear as the man she adored walked away into the dark. She begged ‘be careful’ but knew it would go unheeded, Cullen had his duty to protect and it would always come first. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


It was the worst night of her life since the Blight. At least back then she was able to distract herself with action, she could pack and had helped with the evacuation of Honnleath. This waiting and idleness was so much worse. Still she had done what she could, ensuring all the candles were snuffed, placing the stove on a low burn just to keep it aflame but no more, preparing a single bag with some dried supplies and a few medicinal items. 

Her ornate costume was discarded and she instead tried to get some rest in charcoal leggings and an oversized shirt. They were not nearly as comfortable as her nightgown but would be a lot easier to run in should they need to flee. One small mercy was that Annie was a heavy sleeper, the alarms were not loud in the house and her sister remained blissfully unaware of the chaos ramping up around Kirkwall. Shouts and booms echoed across the stone city in the distance,  _ whatever is happening Cullen will be right in the thick of it _ . The thought made her nauseous. What sleep she did get was restless and broken and after listlessly lying in bed for a few hours she gave up and waited in the near pitch black for dawn and news.

It was mid-morning when they heard a knock at the door. Annie had awoken to find her sister tired and with frayed nerves and had busied herself making tea and more provisions while her elder sibling fidgeted. 

‘Annie, Kitty are you in there?’ It was Anders. Annie gave a sigh of relief and unlocked the door ushering their guest inside. From the snippet of the Kirkwall skyline briefly visible while the door was ajar Kat was able to see smoke rising from various buildings, _ what had happened? _

Anders, beginning without ceremony, answered her unasked question.

‘The Viscount is dead, Hawke is-’ he suddenly choked on his emotion ‘let’s just say I don't think she has gotten over the death of Leandra.’ 

The sisters looked shocked at the news and grave at the Warden’s cryptic comment.

He turned to the younger girl ‘Whatever happens people will need help, I won’t demand it of you with the danger but would you come to the clinic?’

‘Yes’ Annie replied seriously and without hesitation ‘let me just grab my cloak.’

‘Can I help?’ Kat asked hopefully, feeling saddened when Anders shook his head and added quietly so Annie couldnt overhear ‘I wouldn't be able to protect the both of you should they make it to the clinic.’

Kat sighed in resignation but understanding, she was a performer, a useless Magician. There was nothing she could contribute in the current situation.

‘H-have you had any news from the Gallows?’

Anders glared ‘You mean have I heard from the  _ Knight-Captain? _ ’ 

Kat felt foolish for even asking, she knew Anders’ dislike of him but she couldn’t remember the last time she had been so worried, so wrecked with fear for another person that she felt sick.

The Mage gave a frustrated sigh at his friends apparent distress and begrudgingly spoke.

‘The Templars have spent all night fortifying the docks and Gallows, as a result Darktown has been largely unscathed in the skirmishes.’ No direct news she thought glumly, then flinched as she swore Anders eyes flashed blue.

‘For once in my life I’m glad the Mages are hidden in what is probably the most defensible part of the city. What those ho **rned bastards do to their magic users makes me so angry.** ’

‘Anders the clinic?’ Annie said calmly. A small quiver rippled across Anders’ frame and the odd cadence in his voice receded. Her sister seemed unsurprised at the outburst and so Kat waved them off, begging them to stay safe.

After re-locking the door she slid down adjacent wall, feeling utterly useless. And there she waited.

* * *

  
  
  


It wasn’t till early evening when she  _ finally _ heard another quiet rap at the door. 

‘Kat?’

There was only one person in Thedas who called her that so she hurried to the bolt. Flinging the door open to find him standing there, one arm pressed to the creaking outer frame, the other another rubbing across eyes tiredly. Kat scanned his body urgently, looking for signs of serious injury and whispering ‘praise Andraste’ when she saw none.

He seemed shocked she had appeared so quickly, but his relief was just as evident as hers, he rushed into her home, bundling her into his arms as he did so. Kat heard the door slamming closed in time with her relieved cry ‘Cullen!’

‘Thank the Maker you are safe. I wanted to come sooner but -’ he spoke close to her ear, readjusting his grip tighter as if to make certain she was not a delusion. Kat ignored the sharp edges of his armour and returned his embrace with equal fervor, pressing her face towards his neck and quieting his needless apologies.

‘Shh, it’s okay, you’re here now. Come on’ she withdrew and lead him into the kitchen. Encouraging him to take a seat on one of the stools while she found him some long cooled elfroot tea. It would be a little bitter cold  _ but it seems like he needs it _ she thought with pity as she looked him over more intently. 

He was still wearing his ceremonial armor from last night and she grimaced as she saw that his rich scarlet cape had been scorched in places. The highly polished silverite was now covered in scuffs and grazes of varying sizes and shapes, she couldn’t comprehend what he had needed to deflect in order to be littered with such an array of marks.

His face was grim and lined with soot, his normally bright eyes dulled as if reliving something in the past.

Kat edged closer noticing a dark bruise forming near his brow  _ a head injury? _ ‘I’ll go and get Annie.’

‘No!’ he urged with sudden clarity and she saw his hand outstretched ‘It’s nothing, i’ll be fine...Please, stay with me.’

_ As I could refuse him anything _ she thought but still scowled lightly given his distressed state. ‘Okay but at least let me help you out of this’ she gestured to his ruined armor and he nodded.

Kat started with the easy parts, his gloves and boots followed by the spoiled and torn cape which she detached from the epaulettes with ease. 

‘Where is Annie?’ he asked while standing in order to unbuckle the leather belt which held his skirts in place. The excessive fabric,  _ as singed as his cloak _ she noticed dropped to the floor with a heavy thud, his linen fawn breeches looked relatively unscathed.

‘She’s at the clinic.’ Kat replied as she worked at the buckled straps of his breastplate, she helped him with the ones over his shoulders and then lifted the heavy metal away from his body. He gave a pained grunt as she did and once it was laid out on the floor Kat could see a large dent in the metal about where his left shoulder-blade would have been sat. As if to confirm her worries she saw him reach up and around, his hand barely pressing onto the spot before he withdrew it with a hiss.

‘I have some salve in a medical kit, would that be helpful?’

He was about to protest so she shot him a stern glare and his expression softened in response ‘Yes thank you.’ 

_ Good, let me take care of you, _ she thought with a slight smile. At his acquiescence she started to heat some water on the stove, retrieving a clean cloth and her medical kit from the pack she had prepared the night before. Kat ignored the rustling behind her and allowed her mind to drift.  _ The night before _ she thought gloomily. Cullen had been so close to her then, had been saying words she could have only dreamed of and now it was if someone had beaten all the warmth out of him. His eyes were distant and unseeing, she sighed and scolded herself.  _ He is injured and clearly distracted now isn’t the time to be oh sweet maker, he’s taken his shirt off _ . 

Cullen was stood in the middle of her kitchen wearing only his tight, and as she followed his tempting darkening trail of hair downwards, very low fitting breeches. She bit the inside of her cheeks to keep her composure and mask whatever small little squeak of surprise was trying to bubble up at the  _ sight _ of him.

_ Andraste preserve me  _ she chanted while battling to regain any sense of neutrality. Kat half recognized that the years had not been easy for him, he wore a number of scars around his abdomen and slim torso but where fate had been cruel the Maker had been kind. He was broad, strong and although she hadn’t seen a lot of men shirtless he was without a doubt the closest to the masculine ideal she had envisongened. He wasn’t like the outlandish Illustrations of Varrics novels yet his definition was clear and oh so tempting. The shadows in the dimly lit kitchen played with the dips and ridges of his sculpted chest, swollen pectorals and lean abdomen. His bared arms and shoulders were thick with hard muscle from his years of training and conditioning, he was exquisite.

Kat dropped her eyes to the floor, praying he wasn’t offended at her blatant admiration and gripped the small pan of heated water till her knuckles turned white.  _ I have to touch him _ , she thought reminding herself that it was only in order to tend to his injuries and not for any self gratification.

‘R-right let me just have a look.’

Cullen seemed unperturbed by his nakedness or her appraisal, she could have sworn he would have been the one to flush red with embarrassment but he remained cool, only wincing slightly when applied the elfroot to the biggest bruise over his shoulder blade. It was large and purpling, caused by a fierce blow with a blunt weapon. Without his armour it would have shattered his bones.

Kat channeled whatever professionalism she had observed in her younger sister over the years and chastised herself for her desirous thoughts at such a time. She deftly attended to the other forming bruises on his back as Cullen proceeded to wash the grime and dirt from his face and body. A few droplets escaped and trickled down from the soaked cloth, Kat studiously ignoring how they trailed a glinting path over his chiseled back and down,  _ down _ till they hit the ridge of his breeches. Kat felt heat bloom on her face and hoped Cullen’s evident distraction would hide her shame as she rounded to his front.

Remembering her long forgotten lessons about masking emotions as a Lady she schooled her face and applied the healing salve to the angry red welt on his brow. ‘Sorry’ she whispered when he winced, her shaking hands pressing a little too firmly on the sore spot. ‘It’s okay’ he said at once, collecting her hand in his own much larger one and bringing it to his cheek, his head turning to press a kiss to her palm.  _ Oh, _ Kat’s heart thudded at the action, her hastily buried desires breaking forth and she withdrew. 

‘That should heal in no time’ she said overly cheerfully, spinning away from him to place the salve on the table behind her. She just needed a minute  _ that was all, just a moment without seeing him half-dressed and te- _

Kat’s thoughts startled when his exposed arms came to encircle her waist and his solid weight pressed into her back. Cullen didn't say anything, just held her closely and she didn’t trust herself to speak. The feeling of his body against hers without armour between them, of his hot breath ghosting over her shoulder and warming the skin where her shirt collar had slipped wide. It was blissful and inviting and simply too much to bear.

Her courage prevailed and she turned to face him. He still looked a little lost and so she asked with no attempt to mask her confusion ‘Cullen, what has happened?’

His hands slipped from her waist and frowning he carded his fingers through his curls, still damp from his impromptu wash. ‘Hawke is a Mage’ he confessed quietly, sounding full of disbelief.

‘What?!’ she gaped ‘That’s impossible how could we have not known?’

Cullen gave the tiniest of shrugs and turned his eyes to the ceiling, no doubt as a Templar he felt that omission more acutely than she. But still,  _ did her friends know, did Carver know? They must _ .

His account of the event continued ‘She fought the Arishok in single combat and defeated him. The Qunari, leaderless, have agreed to leave at once. She has saved hundreds, maybe thousands of lives. And  _ she’s a Mage. _ ’

Cullen groaned and his head slumped forward onto Kat’s shoulder, his arms either side of her hips pinning her between his hard body and the table.  _ Cullen _ she felt his bewilderment and conflict and placed a hand in support on his back.

‘You need some rest-’

He shook his head, his curls tickling the sensitive hollow above her collar bones as he did and  _ Maker forgive her _ but she felt her arousal pool at the innocent touch. He was hurt and confused and she could not be thinking of how warming his embrace was or how soft his skin felt as she gently caressed his toned back. It was not the time. 

He let out a pleased grumble at her soothing stroking and leaned in closer, Kat’s self protestations weakening as she caught his masculine scent below the lingering smoke and sweat of his hard fighting. 

‘You are a Magician, the only one in the world’ he mumbled into her neck causing Kat’s breath to hitch as his words caressed her skin. 

‘You perform miracles, are completely unique and impossible and yet… you are the only thing that makes sense to me.’ His arms banded across her back drawing her flush to his naked chest, his heat seeping into her body causing her to give a pleasured shiver.

‘Katherine-’ he uttered darkly, his voice was thick with desire. His eyes heavily lidded as he loomed over her.

She felt his hand snake it’s way up her back and caress her loose waves. He swept his long fingers across her scalp and then, gently coaxed her till her face was tilted up to his. Kat’s eyes fluttered shut as his hot mouth dropped to her throat. She moaned as his lips ghosted across her delicate skin, a brush of his nose, a delicate lick as he tasted her.

He murmured ‘I need you’ and nipped at her jawline.

Her chest gave a sudden heave at his words her eyes snapping open to meet his. 

They both were breathless, his pupils were blown wide with lust as no doubt hers were, his lips inches from hers as pleaded with his eyes.

‘Please’ he begged, resting their noses together and nuzzling her red stained face.

A second...then two, the energy between them held taut like a wire. There was no use in trying to fight her own desires not when they happened to align so perfectly with his own.

‘Cullen’ she breathed narrowing the space between them till nothing remained. ‘Then take me’ she confessed and with triumph blooming in her soul she brushed her lips over his at long last. 

She heard a moan in her own throat that first soft exchange and then as if finally heeding the meaning of her consent he was kissing her. Devouring her with the full force of his burning passions, both finally expressing all the repressed affection, longing and lust for their best and oldest friend. 

Cullen returned her love just as fervently as she had dreamed, his tongue flicked across her parted lips demanding access which she gave freely and eagerly. Their mouths danced together while each grabbed and pawed at each other. Kat felt her shirt collar pulled so wide it slipped down from her narrow shoulders. Cullen dropping his face to kiss the pushed up swell of her breasts as they became exposed and she held him tight to her with her fingers in his hair. She was greedy, desperate and clawing to have his hands, his mouth his tongue  _ everywhere _ .

With a frustrated growl Cullen pulled at her shirt and bodice roughly, forcing them down till they hung uselessly around her hips her full pert breasts exposed. ‘Maker’ he uttered as his hands came up to massage and squeeze her heaving bosom, her nipples budding to a firm point under his rough calloused palms. Cullen was frenzied at the gasps and mewls he was eliciting from her and not stopping to loosen the laces he ripped her leggings and smalls down from her body, casting them aside without a care.

Now she was stood, almost naked with only the hanging remains of her shirt skimming the very apex of her thighs. The chill of the air as he stood back made her shiver and she felt a little awkward as he appraised her with blackened eyes, his own arousal gowing and evident in the barely contained bulge in his pants. ‘You are  _ so _ beautiful’ he said softly surprising her and then, encompassing her again he drew her upwards for a gentle, encouraging kiss. His searching hands stroking up and down and across her curves, probing and exploring with his fingers and tongue. Kat felt herself melt under his touch.

His strong arms dipped to her arse, squeezing first before gripping and lifting her so she was perched on the edge of the table in front of him. Now she was placed a little higher than him and he brought his sinful mouth to her exposed breasts. He kissed around each soft mound in turn and she felt his confident smirk against her skin as she bucked and eagerly pressed herself closer to his teasing.

‘Look at you laid out on the table for me, just begging to be tasted’ he spoke playfully. Then drew a nipple into his mouth. Kat keened as he suckled there, drawing the bud into a tight point and almost sobbing when he withdrew to assault her lips once more. She wrapped her legs around the backs of his thighs, drawing him back towards her and he obeyed her demand. Returning to lavish the same attention on her other breast Kat felt ashamed at her pitiful cries to the Maker.

How long had she needed this, yearned for this? Whatever the wait she would no longer be denied, drawing on her certainty she found the waist-band of his breeches and with her rapid dexterity had freed his manhood in seconds. Cullen gasped and braced himself with one hand on the table behind her as she gave a few exploratory strokes up and down his silken erection. It was thicker than she had imagined and harder too, she captured his lips with her own and rejoiced as he gave himself over to her care, allowing her to give him pleasure that had him bucking into her hand. It was a heady feeling cut too short when with sudden dominance Cullen pulled her hand away.

He placed his own hand between her thighs, cupping her sex and cooing words of praise when he felt how wet she had become. ‘I have to have you’ he said and at Kat’s cry of ‘yes’ he shuddered with relief and kissed her fiercely. Cullen grabbed hold of her plush softness once more and dragged her body forwards till she was only just seated on the edge of the table, not breaking his kiss he pulled her long legs up and over his hips. He held one of her legs in place he used his free hand to grasp hold of his shaft, lining himself with her soaked core.

Kat gasped at the little fissions of pleasure which erupted throughout her body as he rubbed himself over and along her slit, spreading her wetness and coating his cock in her slick. Satisfied he placed a hand on the low of her back the tip of him still pressed urgently against her entrance. She hastily reminded him ‘It’s my first time.’ 

Cullen captured her lips and kissed her tenderly, the gentlest that evening. ‘I won’t hurt you’ He promised. Kat felt her body relax as he returned to his soft encouraging kisses, the tension left her legs and with her submission Cullen slid forward.

‘Ah’ she whimpered with elation as he pushed through her initial resistance. Kat’s hands gripped tightly onto his shoulder for support as her virgin body was stretched to accommodate his girth, he penetrated her slowly, inch by tortuous inch.

Once he was nearly flush against her she felt his cock slide out just a little before, with a snap of his hips he surged forwards, filling her completely.

‘Cullen!’ she moaned as he seated himself deeply within her channel, peppering her throat with kisses and kneading the flesh of her thighs and arse where he still had a bruising hold of her.

The feeling of fullness was intoxicating and a little intimidating. Cullen gave a long slow lick up her throat stopping near her lips and holding steady...

Kat wriggled about on his cock like an eel on a hook. Her uncertainty at the new sensation receding and the feeling changing with each mili-second that passed. Any discomfort quickly eased she gave a shallow rock of her hips towards him. Cullen’s jaw clenched as he struggled to maintain control, both panting as she worked to try and take more of him into her heat, to hilt him more fully, her body craving more of his hard member within her.

Kat begged ‘please’ although she did not know what it was her body craved other than more,  _ more _ .

Cullen groaned and captured her lips in a dominating kiss he withdrew partially, before sliding home with a stasified moan.

‘Yes!’ She cried as the delicious friction of his thick cock against her tight walls set her body aflame.

He set a rhythmic pace now her pleasure was mounting in time with his, withdrawing and surging, retreating and filling. Leaving her fluctuating between bereft at the feeling of emptiness and crying with joy as he rocked into her over and over.

Arching away from him she placed her hands on the table behind her, his hands shifted from her back to her hips using her own body as leverage to rut into her with increased tenacity and speed.

Each snap of his hips brushed their bodies together just right and her pleasure crept steadily higher and higher.

It was too much,  _ too intense, too good _ . Kat’s head tilted backwards as she surrendered to his demanding body and allowed the passion to consume her. Running on pure instinct she guided a hand to their joining, whimpering as she felt how his thickness was gliding in and out of her core. Wet and slick and warm from her juices.

‘Touch yourself’ he commanded, panting and she rushed to comply. Rubbing gentle circles over pearl to which Cullen moaned at the sight. ‘You are so perfect’ Her breasts were bouncing with every rhythmic thrust, her fingers glistening as she worked herself towards completion, his cock spearing her willing heat over and over, being driven by pure unbridled lust.

Kat was insensible to everything but the feeling of him. It was so much more than she had ever dreamed, so much better than all the books she had read and descriptions she had been given. She would never get enough of him, of them being together like this and judging from his words last night, she would never need to.

The tension returned to her thighs and she found herself clamping tightly around Cullen’s pistoning hips, his hands sliding to the backs of her legs to keep her open as his pace neared a frenzy.

‘Cullen, CULLEN -’ She gave a keening cry and rocked up towards him, her back bending like a bow as a crescendo of rapture crested within. As she peaked so did he, surging forwards and sealing his lips over her own, her wails of ecstasy muffled within his own delirious groan. He gave a few hard desperate thrusts into her and then, holding himself steady at the deepest part of her body, shot his seed. She felt the slight jerks as he did so and meweld at the overwhelming feeling of white hot pleasure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XD
> 
> Not gonna lie, I enjoyed that.


	19. The Conjunction*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is nsfw, please don't read past the cut if this is not for you x

_ Cullen POV _

_ I never would have imagined you could feel so strongly about anything outside of the Order. Your intensity and passion was staggering and being the centre of your world for these past years was a gift I will always treasure. _

xxxxx

‘We must secure the docks’ Cullen ordered the moment he met up with his lieutenants, his order loud enough to carry over the din of the ongoing alarm bells. 

‘Shouldn’t we retreat to the Gallows Ser?’

Cullen strapped a spare shield to his ornate bracer, not hesitating in his response.

‘No we make our stand here. We are the largest army in the state, it is for us to protect the people from those that would destroy our way of life.’

‘Knight Captain’ Meredith called as she approached, she saw that he was still in his formal armor and nodded her approval at his dedication. 

‘Ma’am, we could do with some assistance from the Mages to help control any fires and provide support magic during the fighting.’

Meredith seemed to seriously consider his request and Cullen felt confident she would agree. The Qunari and the abhorrent treatment of their Mages was one of the few topics that drew agreement within the circle. It was a cause which would have rallied the Mages to the Chantry’s side for once, not to mention give his men some sorely needed protection in the upcoming battles. So he was surprised with her terse response ‘No, the risk of possession or escape is too high in times such as these.’

Normally he would have questioned such a decision, he had found himself doing so more often of late and sometimes Meredith could be prevailed upon to change her mind. He saw as his men all turned to him for further instruction and remained silent,  _ now isn’t the time for insubordination _ . ‘Knight-Commander’ he saluted feeling his frustration rising. 

Turning to assembled squadrons he shouted ‘We hold the line here. Those beasts do not get past us, they do not reach the Gallows and they do not flood into the lower city.

‘SER!’

  
  
  


It was a long and brutal twelve hours. 

For all their grumbling about his fastidiousness his men now found themselves with a tremendous advantage. The Qunari sent group after group to test their defenses and although they could hit harder, their warhammers dealing severe crushing damage to shields and exposed limbs they struggled to make any headway. The prolonged melee against a well formed, highly drilled line of soldiers showed that the attackers has a severe lack of Stamina, and so the horde was kept at bay. 

At least till they brought the gatlock out.

A number of timed small explosions throughout the docks rang out, his men tried to retain form but now the public had started to panic and in their rush to flee the battle scene they had no choice but to break ranks. Cullen ordered the men to only tackle the bruisers in groups, one or two would draw the attack while another would slip behind to deal damage to the exposed flanks. The Templars had greater numbers but few of his men could tackle a Qunari one on one. Cullen could and he was deadly as he skipped between the skirmishes, delivering powerful lethal strikes and rallying as he went.

The dress armour, lighter than his usual silverite meant he was one of the fastest on the field, sprinting behind slow lumbering swings and slashing at tendons and flesh with a pivot.

A young knight tripped and Cullen saw a maul raised. He sped towards his comrade dragging the lad from range of the weapon and having it deflect off his shoulder instead. He hissed at the searing pain and discarded the shield on his near numb arm. His attacker was quickly brought down but another was there to take his place. _Bride protect us is there no end! _

‘Knight-Captain’ a runner appeared.

‘The Arishok has left the encampment, apparently he is headed towards the palace where the nobility have gathered.

Cullen grimaced. If he moved his force up to hightown it would leave not only the Gallows exposed, but also the route into Dark and Lowtown.  _ Kat _ . 

‘We will remain here’

‘Ser?’

‘Obey your orders, soldier!’ Meredith chimed in from where she had appeared along with first enchanter Orsino.

She surveyed the chaos with a steely eye commenting as she did. ‘The Viscount left this threat go on for too long. Normally I would be inclined to let him and the city guard deal with the Arishok, our work here is too important, but we will go to lend what aid we can and Maker willing bring a swift end to this conflict.’

Cullen couldn’t have agreed more. Yet he was still surprised when not an hour later the Qunari suddenly retreated. Meredith returned shortly after and notified the men of the recent developments.

Hawke had challenged the Arishok in single combat. Had defeated their leader and saved them all. Kirkwall had been saved by a Mage.

Cullen fractured.

_ Saved by a Mage _ . Outwardly he took the news with the appropriate level of cautious optimism that was required. He was pleased that his men wouldn't have to fight the near endless army of Qunari, although confident they would have won the day, it wouldn't have been without great losses. His own near crippled shoulder evidence enough of that. 

_ Saved by a Mage _ . He agreed with Meredith that Ser Carver would need to be located and questioned soon, his fellow Fereldan may be one of his best, but harboring an apostate could not be ignored. He distributed orders quickly and assisted with the relief effort for a little longer, it was well past noon when still reeling he took his leave.

_ Saved by a Mage again! _ As he walked away from the Docks and towards Lowtown he heard the buzz in the streets. Less than twenty four hours since the start of the uprising and the invasion had been halted in its tracks. The Champion had saved them all. Hawke was a hero of the Age and he knew he should be relieved and even happy but he was not.

Cullen had been saved by Magic again and all he felt was shame and confusion.

He had let an Apostate go undetected for so long and in doing so had failed in his duty but… that same Apostate was clearly a master of their craft and had saved countless lives.

_ She should be in the circle! _ But if she had been locked in there who knows how bloody the battle would have been.  _ Meredith was right to be suspicious of outsiders! _ Meredith was wrong, it could not be?

Cullen paused to rub tiredly at his eyes. It was a philosophical conundrum at the very heart of the Circle system and he was not yet equipped to reconcile it. Instead with his adrenaline starting to dissipate Cullen’s legs carried him numbly towards his only certainty. 

Aside from his faith she was the one bright point in his disturbed existence and he needed her strength now.

  
  
  


\--

  
  


Cullen woke to the light streaming through a small window above him, shining rays dappled over the bed and blankets. It was far brighter than the dark shadows that indicated morning in his room at the Gallows and it was pleasant to have woken up without any recollection of a nightmare. He hadn't had a restless sleep in weeks  _ not since the time I fell asleep at _ ...Cullen gasped as he remembered where he was.

_ Kat!  _ He sat upright with a start, his eyes scanning the brightening room rapidly. She wasn’t in the bed that they had stumbled into last night after he had - Sweet Maker what had he done? Cullen pushed his hands into his unruly curls as the sinful images came flooding back to him. 

His best friend, the woman he had been harboring fantasies of for years. Yesterday his need for her comforting arms had shifted into something darker and desirous. How his pining and lust, long held in check, had been re-awoken in the aftermath of the Qunari uprising and how she, the centre of his world had borne the brunt of his carnal cravings.

The taste of her skin, her breathy cries, the press of her fingers into his shoulders as she’d clung onto him. Holding tightly as he had taken her on the table, roughly and hard as if she were nothing more than a nameless whore, a plaything for his comfort.  _ She was a virgin _ he thought aghast and he lamented his callousness even more.

Then he remembered her moans and little pleasured whimpers. How she had greedily stroked him as he had divulged her of her clothing, how her body had quivered as she fell apart, the tight squeeze of her thighs and walls spurring him into his own euphoric end. Cullen groaned as he felt his morning hardness stir at the scintillating memories. 

He had to get out of the bed, find her and apologise, but first he needed pants. 

Cullen flung back the sheet which had been keeping him covered, only to yelp and hastily drag the white cotton back over his hips as the object of his unchaste reflections returned to the bedroom.

‘Kat?!’ Cullen gasped noticing her state of her undress. Her short wild waves were wet and sticking to the bared skin of her neck and shoulders, her body wrapped in a thin bath sheet which clung to all dips and rises of her perfect curves.

‘Good morning’ she said cheerfully not noticing his alarm. She brought over a glass of water and placed it next to him on a small table acting as a nightstand, her smile as she looked down at him still seated on the bed was radiant. Cullen was sure his heart was going to burst from his chest as lust and longing and  _ love _ battled within him. 

‘I hope you don’t mind that I let you sleep. You looked like you needed it’ she said sweetly taking a seat next to him and drawing her exposed legs up onto the bed. Her bath sheet slid up as she did so and Cullen felt his eyes trail up the long line of exposed skin to,  _ Maker have mercy she is your best friend! _

He growled and scrubbed at his face in frustration. How was he supposed to make things right and beg her forgiveness when all he wanted to do was rip that sheet away, push her shoulders down and-

‘Cullen?’ a gentle hand touched his arm and he flinched.

‘Don’t be kind to me!’ he snapped, years of self loathing lacing the words with unintended briskness.

Kat looked at him with wide eyes but she was not fearful, just concerned and caring like always. Her olive green irises ringed with hazel were the same colour as the lake back home, dragging his thoughts to happier times even when he was determined to wallow in his failure of her. 

She waited patiently with a kind expression and with no heed of the turmoil rolling in his gut or embarrassment as his hungry eyes fell to her thinly covered chest. He squeezed his eyes shut in anger. How could he ever deserve her attention after what the demon had done to him, after the mental and physical wounds had taken their toll on his body and soul. She was sweetness itself and  _ he was not worthy _ . How could he make her understand?

‘Kat, last night should not have happened. I shouldn’t have come here seeking comfort’ she crossed her arms defensively but otherwise stayed silent. ‘It was selfish, you deserve better’ she huffed and raised a brow at him.  _ Why couldn’t she understand? _ ‘I- I just took advantage of you! That was your first time and -’

‘Cullen. Stop.’ She commanded, her voice quiet but with the tinge of the authority she had when she was performing. So he stopped. Waiting for her to pass judgment and cast him out, he hoped their friendship could be salvaged, that in his dream for something more he hadn’t destroyed that which was most precious to him.

‘Don’t cheapen it’ she whispered, his head snapping up just as she cast her eyes away from him. Her hurt was visible in the line of her shoulders and Cullen felt even more ashamed. He was trying to reassure and apologise and had found a way to make it all so much worse. 

After a minute she spoke again, so quietly he strained to hear her words ‘You didn’t take advantage of me. If anything it was the other way round. You were hurt and clearly distressed and I. I just’ she sighed and chewed at her lip, choosing her next words carefully. Her arms dropped to her sides in resignation ‘Cullen, I’ve wanted you for  _ so long. _ ’

Cullen gaped at her words, she flicked her eyes up to him but dropped them quickly at his look of bewilderment.  _ So long? _ He knew there was an attraction but the earnestness in her confession was staggering.  _ I’ve wanted you for so long _ . It was mutual then, and Cullen’s mind raced to process this new information and its glorious implications.

When his silence persisted Kat drew herself into a ball ‘And now you regret it and I feel like a fool.’

‘No! no’ he said quickly, drawing her hands from her body and kissing her fingers with hopeless enthusiasm ‘Impossible.’

He felt his lips pull up into a small smirk at the shy tilt of her head, he prayed his actions could better express his adoration and  _ joy _ than his fumbling words.

‘You don’t regret it?’ she asked so softly and full of hope that his chest swelled from the overwhelming feeling of relief. Understanding dawning on the pair of them at long last.

‘Regret it?’ Cullen kneeled forwards the blanket slipping from his body but he didnt care.

‘ _ Never _ ’ he breathed and kissed her cheeks, her forehead and then with slow tentative brushes as if he were caressing a moths wing he captured her lips. 

As he sat back he saw that her eyes were glassy, her own lips still parted and moist from his kisses. He took hold of her hands again, threading their fingers together and reveling in the softness.

‘If I seem remorseful it is because it should not have happened like  _ that. _ ’ 

She looked at him puzzled and Cullen felt obliged to clarify albeit a little sheepishly ‘Just because I said I needed you didn’t mean you were obliged to- there and then...Maker on the table -’

Kat placed a single finger over his mouth, quieting his unheeded explanations.

‘Silly man’ she said with a smile and this time she leaned into his space ‘You already had me.’

The kiss this time was filled with acceptance and understanding. He returned her token with equal tenderness, chasing away the last of her worries with a slow soft exploration that soon had the pair breaking for air with shallow pants. As she pulled away he went with her, leaning forwards and crowding over her till her back hit the bed. Still he followed, crawling over her body till her covered chest was pressed up against his bare one, his lips never leaving hers.

‘And’ she mumbled out between his crushing lips, her hands wrapping around a neck in a bid to pull him even closer ‘And I would very much like it if you would have me again.’

_ Oh?  _ Cullen withdrew to look down at his captive. Her lips were swollen, her cheeks flushed and lids heavy with desire. 

‘Please?’ she begged, her vulnerability still evident despite her otherwise confident request. 

‘You deserve better’ he murmured before crashing into her once more.  _ But Maker forgive him, he will not refuse her anything. _

Kat wriggled beneath him, her hands eager and exploring as she caressed his shoulders and back. Cullen was scarcely less intent as he kissed across her jawline, her throat, loving the scent of her lavender soap which clung to her wet hair and damp skin. He paused when he noticed a mark on her shoulder, the one he had given her as he had crested last night. He kissed the redness tenderly and then dragged his lips across the tops of her barely contained breasts. Kat’s breath hitched as she noticed the action, a breathy moan escaping her as he took hold of the ruched fabric over her chest.

Their eyes met, his amber piercing into her jade hues. ‘You deserve the world’ he said and it was the truth, but she had chosen  _ him _ .

Cullen peeled the sheet back from her body, her nipples pebbled quickly in the cool air and she squirmed as he held off on touching her till he had drunk his fill of the _ sight _ of her bared and beautiful before him. She groaned as his hands finally came up to caress her bosom. Massaging gently before giving a firm squeeze, alternating soft with firm till she was panting and writhing beneath him. Then he sealed his lips over one pert nipple and gave a tentative suck. ‘Cullen!’ she keened the noise shot straight to his groin and he felt his tip leak precum down onto the bunched sheets between her legs. He kissed and licked all over her soft supple skin, relishing her breathy cries as he turned to lave attention upon her left breast and suckle just as eagerly. When he was satisfied not one inch of her had been neglected he stopped to kiss the beauty mark seated on her pert right breast.

Kat’s head propped up to see why he had stopped and she whimpered as his explorations began to drift lower. ‘You deserve soft and gentle’ he murmured as he kissed across her stomach and down further, nipping at her hip bones and licking at the sensitive join where legs met torso.

‘Let me show you?’ he asked breathily against her folds, his arms locking down over the tops of her thighs. 

‘Yes!’ she cried as he dragged his tongue up the length of her slit reveling in the salt-sweet taste of her. He did it again, and again, lapping at her cunt like a man parched. Probing her tight entrance with skilled flicks and relishing the moans and gasps that he was drawing from his lover.

Her hand found its way into his curls and she gripped them tightly but otherwise didn’t guide him, handing her pleasure over to his care. And he was determined to bring her ecstasy.

He latched his tongue over her clit and started to suck and roll it around in his lips, her hips almost shooting from the bed but for his strong grip around her. She started to rock up into him as her end approached and needing to push her over the edge he slipped a long finger into her heat. He coaxed it within her, stroking and sucking for one, two, three seconds before ‘CULLEN!’

She screamed and her back arched from the crescendo within her, her body twitching even as she came down in a heap of heavy limbs.

Cullen crawled back up her body and kissed her deeply. Enjoying the little pleased groan in her throat as she tasted herself.

‘More’ she pleaded though her chest was still heaving from her release.

That was enough for Cullen and he shifted her beneath him, his hips slotting within the embrace of hers and drawing one long leg up and over his back. He was as hard as steel as rolled his body into hers, his length stroking over her folds.  _ So wet _ he thought with pure lust as he positioned himself at her entrance.

‘Please’ she begged nipping at his jaw and pulling him forwards. Cullen caught her lips in a bruising kiss as he slid forward so very slowly, unhurriedly filling her with his thick girth, determined to make amends for his rough treatment last night.

Fully encompassed in her warm wet passage Cullen savoured the feeling of being complete. It was the work of moments before she was encouraging him to move within her and so he did. Languidly withdrawing till only his tip remained, before re-sheathing himself in her hot tight body just as steadily. It was slow, controlled, lazy lovemaking and Kat bloomed beneath him. She had never looked more beautiful with her eyes squeezed shut in bliss and her lips parted as praises and exaltations poured forth.  _ So beautiful.  _ He would treasure every second of her wholy unguarded appearance and maintained the slow sensual pace, drawing out their mutual pleasure.

‘You feel so good’ he praised as he drove into her again, hilting himself a little harder. Her answering moan met with his own as her walls started to contract around his slick cock. Again and again, a little deeper, a little faster each time till there was nothing but gasps and groans and rapture that blinded them to all else.

‘Cullen, I-I’m so close’ she stammered clinging onto his back as he started to move with more urgency. His buttocks flexing as he rutted into her willing sex with abandon, his senses lit up all for her as she bucked like a wild thing beneath him.

She crested seconds before him, her cries captured in his throat as he sealed his mouth over hers. Lightning like pleasure electrifying his spine as he gave a few final hard thrusts. Stilling with a moan as he painted her channel with his spend.

  
  


\----

They redressed slowly, stopping to kiss or embrace after each layer was added to their bodies. ‘I need to leave you some money for Witherstalk, I should have been more careful’ Another thing he had failed at but Kat shook her head. ‘Annie has plenty, as long as she works at the clinic i’ll be fine.’

He hummed and pressed his lips to hers once more. He would never tire of kissing her, even if he had a hundred lifetimes.

‘I need to get back to the Gallows’ he said a little sadly, frustrated that his duty was drawing him away from her, away from that feeling of home.

‘Of course’ she said without reproach. 

Just as he was about to leave he felt compelled to try and tell her ‘Kat I-’  _ have never felt anything like this. _

‘I know’ she whispered, not needing to hear the rest of his words. Bidding him goodbye sweetly and promising to look out for him when he could next come to the tavern.

It wasn’t until he stepped out into the glare of late morning that he realised he had forgone his previous evenings Lyrium draught and with a contented smile recognized, he felt the best he had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swooning pillow is available for use :)


	20. The Sisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
Apologies for my impromptu break last week. I just had a little writing burnout but i'm back :)

_ Kat POV _

_ And for what it is worth I will never regret that we came together. Though what followed and your own indifference certainly brings me pain those few years were the most complete and content I had ever felt. _

xxxxx

  
  


‘IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!’ Carver shouted, slamming the door angrily on his way out of the Hanged Man. Instead of returning to her friends, Anders looking smug, Aveline bored and Merril unhappy about the squabble, Hawke came and perched by Kat at the bar. Motioning for her to pour out a drink of something a little stronger than her usual.

‘Siblings right?’ Kat asked in an understanding tone.

Hawke scoffed ‘Brothers more like’ she grimaced as she knocked back the shot of dwarven spirit set before her.

Kat was thoughtful ‘Yes i suppose you’re right, I’ve never had any problems with Annie. She’s just over over serious, but considering her age when we lost our mother it’s not surprising.’

The Champion gave a long sigh ‘You never met Bethany. My baby sister was the sweetest ray of sunshine that side of the waking sea’ she reminisced.

Kat had heard about Bethany before, their sibling who died when fleeing the Blight, she thanked the Maker everyday that she had been able to keep Annie safe. Seeing her friends somber reflections she poured out another shot and this time added one for herself. ‘To Sisters!’ she toasted and was happy to see Hawke returning a smile as she chimed in agreement.

‘To sisters.’

  
  


‘I didn’t want this you know’ Hawke said quietly as Kat set another ale in front of her. Even though she had been victorious, lauded by the nobility, Chantry and even the Knight-Commander she had never seen her shoulders slumped so. Her usual exuberance tapered and tamed and an almost resigned air surrounding her.

‘The drink?’ Kat replied teasingly, trying to ignite her friends spark of perpetual humor and sarcasm.

‘Ha, no. That is always welcome’ and to demonstrate she raised the frothed tankard to her lips. They were still quiet in the tavern, people not quite ready to venture out since it was still less than 48 hours since the attempted Qunari coup. So as Kat had the time to lend her ear she sat herself opposite the older woman tilting her head to encourage her to speak more of her mind.

‘I mean all this’ Hawke gestured vaguely around herself. There was little doubt she was referring to her new mantle as ‘Champion’ and the well wishers and apparent pressure that role would entail. Kat couldn't even try to imagine how that would feel, perhaps Hawke couldn't picture either? A Fereldan refugee like her now promoted to the upper echelons of Marcher society, a mercenary who preferred this beaten up inn to her own fine home in high town.

Kat thought on her response and when she spoke it was with wisdom hard earned ‘We are so rarely given what we want in life, what we had hoped and dreamed of as children. And ‘all this’ as you put it may not be what you would have chosen for yourself yet it is your lot now. Instead of lamenting it, consider it a stepping stone.’ Hawke looked up with a spark of optimism in her eyes ‘You have power and influence now and that  _ will _ open doors so I’ll ask the question that no one else apparently has, What do you want?’ 

A small bubble of mirth was drawn from the older woman’s chest and she tilted her head back studying the aged rafters above them as if they were snippets of the heavens. Hoping to gleam an answer to her question from the Makers side itself.

‘I want to help the Mages. It’s the right thing to do!’ She said resolutely, then added in a quieter tone, checking behind her for eavesdroppers. But I don't want to become the poster girl for the Mage Underground, my getting involved has already cost so much.’ She grumbled and took a long sip of her drink, the ale and earlier shots loosening her tongue. ‘Anders won’t stop pestering me about how I need to capitalize on my fame, make demands but how would that help? I’ve all but destroyed Carver’s life and Fenris will barely look at me as it…’ She gave a sigh which sounded all too familiar to Kat’s ears. She had thought Hawke and Anders had been together but it seemed as if the brooding warrior had somehow caught her heart.  _ Far, far too familiar _ she thought with flashing memories of her wonderful morning with her own stoic knight.  _ Cullen _ the thought instantly filled her with warmth. He should be coming to the Tavern tomorrow as was his routine and she was impatient to see him again. But she could be patient, she had already been waiting her whole life for him.

She scolded herself for letting her mind wander when her friend was trying to open up. If Hawke was having romantic designs about Fenris, well she could only imagine how their clashing ideologies would make things difficult. However it seemed during her more pleasant reflections Hawke’s focus had drifted to the pressing matter at hand.

‘How can I think about any of that when my own brother can’t stand the sight of me?!’

Kat shook her head ‘That’s not true-’

She was cut off by Hawkes rapid lamentations ‘The Templar’s are the only thing he has ever wanted for himself and I have ruined it.’

Kat tutted at her friend ‘You haven’t ruined it. Your being a Mage is not a new development.’

Hawke still looked grim ‘Hey, you and Curly are  _ close _ right could you...talk to him?’

‘Of course I will but’ she sighed a little sadly ‘you know him, his duty comes first and it always will. No matter what I or anyone says he won’t overturn a decision by his Knight-Commander.’

_ And it will be Meredith's decision _ there was no doubting that and all she seemed to care about was her own public perception.  _ hmm? _

‘You’re right’ Hawke groaned the Champion slid her head into her hands, pulling at her short tresses ‘How do I fix this?’

If it was just a matter of perception maybe there was a way. She was a showman first and foremost maybe she could help Hawke be the same ‘Well-’

The Champion looked up with hope bordering on desperation ‘You have an idea, please?’

Kat smirked ‘Are you much of an actress?’

* * *

The following evening she learned just how her creative solution was received.

Cullen was punctual in his arrival, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took his usual seat to wait for her. ‘Rough day?’ She asked with her practiced drawl.

‘Yes’ he sighed then looked up with a small smile, his eyes hopeful and filled with the flickers of affection from their last encounter ‘but better for seeing your sweet face.’

Kat was dumbfounded at his bold and open admiration, too stunned to reply, fortunately she didn't need to.

‘Knight-Captain! I didn't know you had it in you’ Isabella purred as she strolled behind him towards her room. Cullen’s face flaring scarlet as a solid slap landed on his back, Varric guffawing loudly as he did so ‘I did, I’ve cleaned up big time on the books.’

‘Maker’s Breath’ Kat giggled as he rubbed the back of his neck praying for the ability to vanish.

‘Do I embarrass you so much?’ she teased with an arched brow.

‘No!’ He rushed to place his hand over hers on the bar his thumb rubbing reassuring circles into the back of her hand ‘Not at all. This is just so new for me-’

‘And me’

He threaded their fingers together and Kat found her own cheeks feeling pink at the intimate action. ‘And I want to experience it with you and without a running commentary from our friends.’

Kat was trapped in his earnest amber eyes, her eyes dropping to his lips as once again memories flooded her,  _ those lips  _ she recalled so very vividly just how he had made her feel with only his mouth. They were certainly making a poor attempt at secrecy but Kat found she didn't much care, Maker she could stare at him all night if given leave to, so clearing her throat she changed the subject. ‘Did you just call Varric and Isabella your friends?’

He smirked and released her hand ‘Certainly not, you misheard me’ he replied smartly causing Kat to giggle in response.

‘I’m sure I did. It is noisy in here.’

_ Is it supposed to feel different now we have confessed? _ Kat ruminated as she took shy glances over to him while attending the Taverns other patrons. She was happy they seemed to be able to continue teasing and flirting with each other, happy that they were still friends first and lovers was a secondary but very welcome addition to the dynamic of their relationship.  _ I hope not _ she thought with satisfaction I like the way we are now. 

Later wiping down the bar she remembered his earlier tired expression.

‘So what happened today that made you so glum earlier?

Cullen, long since cheered up and despite it being nearly two am looking a lot fresher than when he arrived thought back on his busy day. 

‘Nothing serious I suppose. Just had Hawke and Carver having a very public, very disruptive scene in the circle courtyard’

‘Oh?!’ Kat feigned surprise.

‘Yes it was the oddest thing. Their words were vicious and angry. Carver shouting about how his sister had lied to him his whole life and the Champion very loudly disavowing her brother. But both had a smirk on her face throughout the whole...’ She struggled to contain her own smirk and so turned her back to clean some glasses while he continued.

‘Still after so openly renouncing each other, that meant the investigation into his knowledge of Hawke's apostasy was unnecessary.’ Cullen sounded positive, if she had inadvertently made life easier for him also then she would be even more self satisfied.

So, curiosity piqued Kat prompted him more ‘So Carver keeps his position?’

‘Yes and I am  _ relieved _ , Carver is one of my best and I was fearful of some retribution from Meredith.’

Now Kat smiled openly and was inwardly rather smug.  _ It would have been better if they hadn't smirked like school children throughout the performance but at least my idea worked _ .

Cullen continued unaware of her special interest in the days going on at the Gallows ‘But, you are distracting me. I didn't come here to talk about my work. Tell me how you have been?’

_ Such a gentlemen _ she thought as she began to speak to him about her busy couple of days. 

There was something very specific she had needed to ask him about. ‘When do you think I should start performing again? I didn't want to seem disrespectful in light of the Viscounts ah- untimely death.’

Cullen understood her hesitation but quickly dispelled her worries ‘The seneschal assures me that the state will continue to function just fine in the short run without a Viscount, so truthfully I would say the sooner the better. Hawke has averted a crisis but the atmosphere in the city is still tense.’ He chose his next words carefully ‘What you do, performing, bringing joy to people... It is healing and brings hope. There is power in your Magic’

Kat was almost breathless from such praise, she knew he enjoyed watching her but could never dream her work would mean so much to him, to everyone. Now perhaps she understood why the crowd had rallied to her defence when she had been arrested. ‘ _ Thank you _ ’ she said, her eyes shining with emotion.

When morning came and they were about to part he kissed her goodbye. It was soft and tender and she reveled in his strong arms and gentle kiss, clinging to him and pulling his body back to hers with a chuckle when he tried to break away. 

She moaned when he parted her lips with his tongue, the kiss becoming heated and urgent.

‘Will you have your usual day off?’ she half questioned half begged as he dipped his head to pepper kisses across her throat.

‘Mmmn’ he affirmed while capturing her lips once more. The Kirkwall sky brightening from morning red to radiant yellow though it was unheeded by the pair engrossed in each others embrace.

Finally they parted, their foreheads resting together as each caught their breath. 

‘Forgive me, I have been waiting to do that all night.’

‘You never need to apologize for kissing me’ she laughed causing him to chuckle also.

‘Well then my Lady. I will bid you a good morning.’

‘Good morning Cullen.’

  
  


* * *

Kat was happy. 

It wasn’t an alien feeling, she had had moments of happiness even during her darkest days but it had never endured. This state of complete contentment, interspersed with frequent bouts of jubilation and joy that had been her life for the past eight months was indescribable. Happy wasn’t a sufficiently adequate expression, so she gave up trying to define it and simply enjoyed living it. 

She whistled on her way back from her usual night shift, excited for her next rendezvous with Cullen and optimistic for this week's magic performance. She had some new tools from the alchemists to try out.

Kat knew she wouldn't be able to continue performing indefinitely in the city, although there were always tourists her crowds had begun to dwindle of late. Even with her mysterious magicians grimoire there were only so many ‘tricks’ she could perform given the constraints of her location and budget. Her job at the Hanged Man was stable but it didn't pay enough for her to put aside much by way of savings and she still had a dream about owning her own home and providing a work space for Annie.

Still things were going well with Cullen, unbelievably well. She recalled a childhood conversation, a long forgotten promise and allowed hope to swell within her.  _ He would need permission of course but maybe one day…  _ That was a thought too far perhaps and she let out a tired yawn as she pushed open the door to her small abode.

She was pleasantly surprised to see her sister dawdling in their bright kitchen. ‘Hi you’ she said cheerfully taking off her shoes and cloak, she approached the counter top and helped herself to a piece of the sourdough she had found time to bake yesterday. 

‘I didn't think you would be home so late in the morning’ she commented while sitting down at the table.

As if reading her mind Annie moved the kettle over on the stove to prepare some tea. ‘Yes, I decided to ask Anders for the day off.’

Kat smiled, it had been too long since they had been able to spend time together just the two of them. Between Annies work, Kat’s shifts and the extra time she was spending with Cullen she felt like she barely saw her sister anymore. ‘That's great, you can help me with some sewing for my next performance. I need to sew some of these new ‘magnets’ into my gloves.’

‘A-Actually I was hoping we could talk?’

That was oddly formal for her sister, attention piqued she tried to act nonchalantly ‘Always, what’s on your mind?’

Annie sat opposite her ‘You know i’ve been in a sort of long distance friendship for some time?’

Now Kat was almost excited ‘Yes! Am I finally going to get to meet this mysterious penpal?’

‘Ah, no. No. But he-’

‘He?’ Kat interrupted, a small furrow on her brow.

‘Yes.  _ He _ has invited me to’ Annie clasped and unclasped her hands, willing her courage to rise ‘t-to be with him.’

The red staining her sisters cheeks couldn't be misinterpreted, this wasn’t a ‘friendship’ at all. It was a romantic attachment and Kat felt as if her chair had just been pulled from under her. ‘Annie, your  _ seventeen _ ’ she exclaimed.

‘I’m nearly eighteen!’ she snapped quickly, her tone softening as she took in Kat’s dumbfounded expression. ‘And you’re always saying how mature I am.’

Still Kat couldn't speak so Annie set to work on laying out her reasoning.

‘Besides you were seventeen when the Blight hit, we had to leave home and you started caring for me and we managed.’

‘ _ Managed? _ ’ Kat almost squeaked. She knew she had tried to shield her sister from the worst of that time, only once, when they were in Darktown did she ever allude to Kat’s own struggles. Now, though her sister seemed to forget Kat didn't, she couldn't. Going to bed hungry every other day for years left its mark on her psyche.

Her emotions flared and she spoke through near gritted teeth. ‘I - Annie it was not easy and it wasn’t my choice. Maker, we were destitute after Father Abandoned us-’

‘Daddy didn’t abandon us he stayed to fight’ Annies defense was instant and anger fueled Kat’s next words. She tried to hide her grimace but could not, time still hadn’t healed the wound there.

‘He was a coward.’ She whispered, not trusting her tone should her volume rise any higher.

Annie shook her head ‘No, he was buying us time, you said-’

‘I lied. He gave up! He gave up the moment our mother died, don’t you  _ remember _ ?’ 

Katherine did. The years of neglect, first at the hands of Cullen and then her own Father. The former had slowly won her forgiveness and her love over years of attention and devotion. The latter would never get that chance.

  
  


‘Well whatever happened then this is what I want now.’ Annie folded her arms as if it was to be the final words on the matter.

Kat of course vehemently objected ‘No! No studying, learning Medicine.  _ That _ is what you want, it’s what you have always wanted I can’t let you throw all that away for some boy.’

‘Yes!’ Annie agreed and rounded the table, kneeling before her sister on the floor ‘And you have supported me like no one else. I’m good now, really very good at what I do and wouldn’t give that up for the world. Frederic knows and he-’

‘Frederic?’ Kat turned the name over in her mind ‘Fred! The Cabin boy from the crossing?!’

Annie seemed surprised she had remembered him and instantly looked sheepish. 

‘Yes, he made his fortune and now lives in Val Royeaux. He’s doing well for himself and thinks I could join him. He has connections, would be able to get me well situated attending traders wives and the like. It would be good money. He thinks I could have my own clinic within a year and has the funds to back me.’

That was a blow to Kat’s pride.

A boy, a boy who had made his fortune smuggling would be able to give Annie what Kat could not. She had to bite the inside of her cheek to stifle the sob that threatened to escape her. All these years, all this  _ time _ scrimping and saving and long nights working. She had done it all for Annie, every last coin hidden behind that loose brick was for her.

‘No’ Kat said with a note of finality, casting her eyes away from her pleading sister.

‘But Katie-’

‘I said no and that's final. You are still a  _ child _ and Fred is scarcely less so. Preying on a seventeen year old-’

‘He isn’t preying. His offer is selfless!’

Kat scoffed ‘It is not selfless he is just after one thing.’

Annie rose and glared petulantly down at her sister ‘That’s not true.’

Still Kat remained seated trying to de-escalate the argument ‘Even if it’s not how am I supposed to protect you when you are on the other side of the Waking Sea? How can I trust a stranger with your care? How can you possibly know that-’ 

‘I LOVE HIM!’ Annie shouted.

  
  


The silence that followed was pierced by the whistling of the kettle. Its shrill noise ignored by the fractured sisters. Annie's tears were falling freely now ‘I love him. And I thought now you had Cullen you would understand. You wouldn't be so lonely.’

Kat glared at the stone tiles beneath her sister's feet, remaining silent as she dwelled on the hurtful revelation. _ So they had been waiting on me? Waiting on the old maid to get a man so they could elope? _ the thought stung bitterly.

‘Katie please-’

Finally Kat stood and she towered over her sister ‘No. And that’s the last I want to hear of it.’ 

Annie’s eyes filled with despair and she fled to her room. Leaving Kat alone in the too bright, too cheerful kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #unexpectedangst


	21. The Vow

_ Cullen pov _

_ Those wonderful years. I thought that perhaps my dreams might come true after all. That I could have it all, a family, happiness, love. _

xxxxx

Cullen’s hand combed through her tangled waves, each finger caressing the soft chestnut strands as if he were touching the finest silk. He loved his lazy mornings with Kat. They were rare treasures and not at all frequent enough for his liking, still between his duties and her night shifts they stole them where they could. Sometimes he considered how pleasant it would be to greet her face every day upon waking. Their sensual languid love making, how time could stand still as they moaned and melded together in the quiet hours before dawn.

She deserved that, deserved a partner who could be there for her always. Not his all too grumpy and duty driven self. Not the hurried trysts they sometimes made do with when the tavern was quiet, or the time after her performance when he had pulled her into an alley, too enamored to even take her to a bed.

Yet she had chosen him and their little snippets of peace were a haven amongst the mire that was Kirkwall. Or they had been.

‘She is still barely speaking to me’ Kat murmured into the crook of Cullen’s neck as he heard Annie leave for her days work at the clinic. Cullen shifted her in his arms so he could look upon her worried face, doing his best to comfort her with his presence and solid arms. In the weeks since Annie's confession and the fight that followed the elder sister had been dejected. Although she could still find a smile for him her usual zeal for her work and performances were gone.

‘Have I made the right choice?’ She asked. The same question she had asked of him tens of times now and his answer remained unchanged.

‘I don't know’ he pressed a kiss to the top of her head pausing to inhale her lavender scent. He felt some of the tension leave her shoulders at the action and she buried herself closer to his bare chest. ‘No one can know but if it was me in your position. If Rosealie informed me she was moving to another country to be with a lover I think I would act as you have done.’

She let out a frustrated groan ‘But then, we are hypocrites. As she said I was 17 when the Blight hit and we had to leave home and you left for another country without even telling  _ your _ siblings.’

It was to Cullen’s perpetual shame that he did and he stiffened slightly at the reminder, it was only tiny but of course she noticed.

Kat instantly fell contrite ‘Oh no, i didn't mean. I’m sorry Cullen, I don't mean to accuse you. I know you had your reasons I just-’

Unbidden, tears began to well in her eyes. She had long stopped trying to hide her emotions in front of him. He was the one person she would be vulnerable with and right now, she was at the most fragile he had ever seen her. Kat spoke in broken sobs ‘She’s the only family I have left and I-’

Cullen shushed her and pulled her close. ‘That’s not true. You have me.’ And she really did have him, mind, body and soul for as long as she wished. But he recalled his morning laments. With his vows to uphold he alone wouldn't be enough for her sociable and giving nature, she needed family.

‘And even though we live far away you know you will always have a home with Mia and my siblings.’

She ‘Mmnd’ in acknowledgement, her hiccuping cries slowed with the small circles he rubbed onto her back till, with a final sniff her tears subsided.

‘I feel like I'm standing in the way of her dream’ she whispered no longer crying but her pain still evident. He wished he could do more than offer quiet reassurances and soft touches but for now it was enough to just calm her.

  
  


‘She turns eighteen soon. What if - what if i give her my blessing then?’ Kat peered up to his eyes with a question and hint of hope in her eyes ‘If she still wants to go of course.’

Cullen smiled down with unconcealed admiration. She had been Annie's sole guardian for so many years and done so much without any help or guidance from anyone, she certainly didn't need his advice, especially after being such an abominable brother himself._ But i_ _ _f i_ can help her trust her own judgement...  _

‘I think that's very fair. You can help her plan the journey, ensure she has funds should she need to return. Plus Varric knows everyone, perhaps you could make discrete inquiries about Fredric, see if he is as financially stable and kind as she claims?’

She smiled back now and he was heartened to see it ‘Yes, Yes! That is what I will do. I will bake her a cake for her birthday and write  _ Bon Voyage _ in pink icing. She will be so happy!’ Kat giggled at the thought and tucked herself back into the fold of his arms.

He pressed another kiss to her hair ‘Then both of you will have achieved your dream, she a clinic of her own and you a Mage... of a sort.’

He felt her brow furrow where it was rested against his chest ‘my dream? You think I wanted to do Magic for a living?’

Cullen was confident 'Yes, I remember you saying you wanted to come to the circle when we were children.’

She hummed quietly ‘I suppose I did, but I think perhaps you misunderstood my meaning.’ She glanced up at him with a sad smile and he cursed his simplicity.

‘I’m sorry my Lady, I meant no offense.’

She shook her head and laughed off whatever insult he had inadvertently given her. ‘I do love it when you call me that’ she ran her hand up and down his torso with long exploratory strokes and he found himself responding to the tentative touches.

‘What can I do to make you feel better?’ He whispered into her ear.

‘Hmm, I have some ideas’

Cullen chuckled ‘insatiable woman’ and claimed her lips.

  
  
  


\---

‘KNIGHT-CAPTAIN!’ The address wasn’t unusual as he stood in the baking Gallows sun, but the voice that delivered it was. He and Kat had agreed to keep their relationship outside of the Tavern or her home professional. They were Magician and Templar and although he seemingly had Meredith s blessing at present, he wouldn't want to jeopardize Kat’s safety by flaunting their intimacy. Her anonymity was still, for the most part, in tact and her greatest protection from those that may seek to do her harm.

That was why he did a double take when she sped towards him, panicked and still wearing her costume but without the mask, at once he knew something was seriously wrong. 

‘She’s  _ gone _ !’ 

_ Annie? She wouldn't do that surely not _ . He didn’t think the gentle younger sister had the confidence to disobey her sister but the look in Kat’s wild eyes spoke of no mistake. She gripped at his vambraces and although he couldn't feel her hands through the metal the desperation in the gesture was impossible to ignore. 

‘I need your help, please! We have to find her-’ She bit her lip to contain her anguish, not wanting to let her emotions slip in such a public place. He had never seen her so distressed and although the side of him that loved her wanted to do nothing more than cradle her to his chest that wouldn’t help. She needed the Knight-Captain, not the lover.

‘Tell me what you know’ his tone remained calm and composed, already his mind planning the best routes to take to conduct a city-wide search if needed. Although they were far from friends perhaps he could call on Hawke's aid too, she had her own connections and could act with more impunity than him. 

‘S-she left this’ Kat pulled a letter from her cloak pockets and shoved it into his hands while she caught her breath.

Cullen read the letter hastily.

_ Katie,  _

_ I’m sorry I have to do it this way. You know I have taken vows to do no harm and yet in the pursuit of my own happiness I am going to be causing pain to you my dear sister.  _

_ Please do not be cross with Fred, he doesn’t know I am joining him without your blessing. He would never have permitted it but I can’t bear to be parted from him any longer. _

_ I have taken half the savings, I know you won't mind that seeing as you had always said the whole was for me and my future. I hope at least this way you think about you will finally think about your own needs and wants too. Being with Cullen is a good first step for you. _

_ Please don’t worry. Even writing that seems foolish, of course you will worry. It’s all you do, but you needn’t, I have found a man called Samson who says he has done this sort of thing before. I’ll write to you once I'm safe in Val Royeaux.  _

_ All my love _

_ Annie _

He could scarcely imagine Kat’s pain and panic upon finding such a note. It was little wonder she had fled to find help. However that was not why his blood ran cold.  _ Samson _ the name was unfortunately familiar. He had been his roommate when Cullen first arrived in Kirkwall and although at the time he had found his leniency with the mages unsettling he had still defended the man when Meredith removed him from his post for some minor indiscretion. Last he heard he was taking odd jobs and smuggling for money.  _ Does that now include people smuggling? Annie, if she is lucky she will just be robbed, if not...  _

Cullen masked his own worry behind his professionalism, voicing his concerns wouldn't help. 

‘Please’ Kat’s still breathless plea drew his attention from the tear stained letter. She was looking up at him expectantly. Of course he would help her, he’d send every Templar at his disposal out if needs be. A manhunt however would not be needed as a noise near the gates drew his attention.

‘I said let me through weren't you listening?? The Champion has requested the Knight-Captains aid!’

_ Samson, here, now? _

Kat was re-reading her letter, unaware of the scuffle close by. Looking up Samson caught his eye and began to shout loudly.

‘Knight-Captain! There is a situation, out on the coast the Champion and Ser Thrask are at a stand off.’

Cullen motioned for the guards to let the man inside. ‘Explain now’ he said sharply.

‘Ah well, we were going to take some escaped Mages to Tevinter, Ser Thrask helped us break them out. Don't give me that look I do what i have to to...They pay well you see in Tevinter, for ten years servitude then they are free. But Ser Thrask took the other Templar Carver as a sort of hostage, to ensure safe passage.’

‘You took the Ser Carver, the Champions own brother and expected her not to find out’ Maker it would be a blood bath if he didn't get there soon. Cullen was furious with Thrask, with Samson but it wouldn't do to assign blame now  ‘Who else is there, are there any non-Mages caught up in this?’

Samson looked sheepish ‘Yes a few, I take them along for selling you see. Lyrium is expensive’

_ ‘Samson’ _ Cullen growled through gritted teeth. It was as he feared, selling souls into slavery all for his fix. 

‘You’re Samson?!’ Kat yelled from his side, squaring up to the armed man who was nearly a foot taller than her and shoving him in the chest. She visibly seethed, Cullen hadn’t seen her this angry in years, he knew how ferocious her ire was when it was piqued.

‘Where is my sister? What have you done with her?’ She demanded, if she had been born a Mage there was little doubt in Cullen's mind that sparks would have been flying from her fingertips.

Samson flicked his dulled eyes between the Knight-Captain and the irate woman before him. Sensing no help from the former he addressed the latter. ‘I-I don't know which one you mean, there are a few additional normals with the group. But they could all be dead by now if that blood mage has her way.’ 

‘ _ Blood Magic! _ ’ Cullen cursed.

Samson looked exasperated ‘Yes, the Champion wants you to intervene, try to get them to stand down but we need to go now!’

Cullen nodded and signaled for a squad to accompany him.  _ Blood Magic _ , he grimaced internally looking at Kat’s determined posture while his me formed up.  _ I will not take the risk, not with her _ ‘Kat-’

She fixed him with a steely glare, sensing his hesitancy ‘Don’t say it, i’m coming with you.’

‘No’ He never wanted to deny her anything, but where her safety was concerned there would be no argument ‘Please,  _ go home _ . Wait there where it’s safe.’ 

‘No, no no. She’s  _ my _ sister’

‘And I will care for her as if she were my own. But I can’t be effective if i’m worrying about your safety too’

‘I-I can defend myself’ she sounded unsure.

‘Kat  _ please _ ’ he wouldn't give way, not in this. 

Tears welled in her eyes once more but she wouldn't cry. Her hands shook by her side as she hung her head in resignation.

‘Bring her back’ she ordered.

  
  


\---

Cullen with a small group of men made quick progress to the wounded coast. It was good that Samson knew the exact location of the bolt hole although considering his role in this mess the appreciation only went so far.

They arrived, only to find a blood stained Champion stumble from the cave. Swearing and cursing to the void. ‘WHY DO THEY DO IT!’ She lamented loudly ‘They could have been free but every.single.time’ she kicked a broken down barrel, punctuating each word angrily.

‘They had no choice. Ser Thrask would have turned on them sooner or later, for all his kind words he  _ is _ a Templar. It was the only way they could truly be free’ Anders bemoaned as he emerged. The stern silver elf came next ‘Mages never change, as soon as they get a sniff of power they want more. You know I admire your control Hawke but surely you see now that you are the exception, not the rule.’

There was no witty response, no snarking retort for her squabbling companions. Varric walked past and patted her on the back nodding over to Cullen as he arrived. Hawke was changing and her best friend knew it. Cullen could see it too, but he wondered whether her other companions saw the strain they were putting on their closest companion with their conflicting ideologies.

‘Champion?’ He announced their arrival and Hawke looked up, shaking her head sadly as she did so.

‘It’s over Knight-Captain I’m sorry. I tried to get them to stop... but they had _my_ _brother._’

Cullen saw the sisterly affection there, he’d so often seen the protective expression on Kat’s face too. He wouldn't argue with her, he was however concerned for one of his best Knights ‘Ser Carver? Is he-’

‘I-I’m fine Ser.’ Carver’s voice called out from the cave and limping into the light came the younger Hawke, supported under the shoulder by ‘ _ Annie! _ ’

  
  


She was quiet on the way back to Low Town. Cullen had expressed nothing but relief at her being safe, he would not be so hypocritical as to scold her for trying to leave a country...at least she had left a note. But it was clear that the young girl was shaken and no amounts of reassurance from the Mage and Ser Carver who accompanied them, or himself could draw her from her silent procession.

At the door Anders took his leave, dragging the hobbling Knight no doubt to the clinic in Darktown which Cullen had long since pretended to not know anything about. He expected Annie to rush right in but she waited, shaking slightly.

‘What's wrong, are you hurt?’

‘I-is she angry with me?’

‘ _ No _ ’ Cullen said softly at once. How often had he wondered that himself about his own siblings. Mia said they were not angry, but the silence, especially from Branson made him think otherwise. ‘She was worried, we all were and it’s not because you aren't capable or mature. But the world, Kirkwall especially is not a safe place-’

A dry huff escaped her ‘I was nearly sold into slavery today.’ 

She pulled her shaking hands up to her face ‘I - I’ suddenly her tears started to fall and Cullen knew she needed her sister. 

He knocked on the door and within seconds the wood flew open ‘Is she-’

He heard Annie’s voice tremble beside him ‘K-Katie. I-I’m so sorry I’

‘Thank the Maker!’ Kat surged forwards and bundled her sister up into her arms, the tears of both falling freely.

Annie hiccuped and sobbed loudly ‘I-I didn't mean. I-’

‘Shhh, it's all okay. I’m so glad you’re safe. That's all that matters.’

\---

Against his better judgement Samson was permitted to return to the order, Hawke felt the man deserved a chance at redemption. The condition being that he returned the stolen money from Annie and that for the time being his Lyrium usage would be closely monitored. Cullen couldn't stop the man seeking out more in his free time, but that addiction, the one that had driven such a good man to carry out unspeakable evils was a true weakness. Lyrium was a weapon, it granted them strength but was a vulnerability in their armor. He remembered the thirst himself and although in his soul he knew would never condemn another for a fix, he'd rather die on the streets like a mad dog than do so, the vulnerability remained. It was a serious exploitation risk that needed to be controlled or better yet eradicated.

And so as was his ritual Cullen recited the chant while he studied his nightly blue vial.

_ ‘We have decided to compromise’ Kat said cheerfully when Cullen had returned a day later to check on the sisters. _

_ ‘She will wait one more year and then we will go together. Probably spending a couple of months in Ferelden first before heading over to Orlais’ _

_ Cullen was numb ‘You are leaving Kirkwall?’ _

_ ‘Not for a year’ she replied a little hopeful. _

_ Cullen gaped, trying to formulate his surprise and blooming pain at the thought of being parted ‘But, I-’ _

_ She interjected ‘I’m happy to try a long distance relationship if you are? And I will most likely come back after I have ensured Annie is happy and settled so... Would you wait for me?’  _

_ He would, he would wait years for her if that is what it took. But why? They had already been parted for so long, even once reunited they had dawdled and dragged their feet. This past year when they had been together as a couple was the happiest of Cullen’s life. For all his vows to the Order and faith in the Maker he found himself more and more disillusioned. As he said on the first night they were together she was the only thing that made any sense to him now. And he would never let that certainty go again. _

_ ‘No’ he replied quietly. _

_ ‘Oh’  _

_ Cullen saw her face fall and spoke quickly to clarify ‘No! You misunderstand. I won’t wait because I am going with you.’ _

_ Kat blinked. And then it seemed as if she had been lit up by the sun itself. Her eyes sparkled with shock and happiness, nothing but sheer radiant joy in her smile and she threw herself into his arms. Kissing his cheeks, his temples, his lips. _

_ Later that night after their exuberance had cooled and they were once again wrapped up in each others arms he asked. ‘When we go home, to Fereldan. Should we get married?’ _

_ Kat giggled at his informality ‘Is that supposed to be a proposal?’ _

_ ‘No, but maybe a vow of sorts.’ _

_ She kissed him sweetly on the lips, pulling away with a smirk ‘Well that's a good start.’ _

  
  


The viscous liquid tilted up and down the sides of the small vial as Cullen turned it over in his hands. Sighing he pulled out the stopper and drank half. Returning the vial to his personal chest he added it with the others, the humming blue trove of the drug calling to him. 

_ This is just a precaution _ he reminded himself. Cullen still wanted to serve but this was his backup, in case Greagoir or any of the smaller local Chantries wouldn't take him back. He would need to start pooling the vials soon and it may be an idea to ship them ahead of time. The more he could save now the longer he would be able to go without work when he went home.

_ Home  _ with Kat. Home with his  _ wife _ . 

Cullen slammed the lid of his trunk shut and settled down for a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time we will have some long overdue Magic and Sexy-times, because that's what we are all here for really ;)


	22. The Finale*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-indulgence at it's finest. So of course its nsfw :)
> 
> And I guess spoilers for DA2. If you haven't played it then...sorry.

_ Kat POV _

_ How wrong I was. Many lost their lives in Kirkwall and so I know I should count myself lucky…but I can not. Not when the only thing I have ever wanted was ripped from me. _

xxxxx

The whole of Hightown was abuzz with anticipation. The final performance of La Belle Joie was about to start and Kat, with her costume hidden under a cloak, watched on from the alleyway that would be her unseen entrance and escape.

She had purposefully chosen a later time today, knowing that the Magic would look so much better closer to sunset than at noon and also ensuring as many folk as possible were able to attend after their days work. _ It looks as if half of the city has turned out _ she thought gleefully as more and more crowd members filtered into the packed space by the stairs to the Viscounts palace.

She knew Cullen would be watching from the sidelines as he almost always did, the thought still giving her butterflies even now. She had decided to keep her performance for today a near complete secret, hoping he would enjoy the surprise as much as the rest of the attendees. Only one well-paid audience member and a few concealed assistants waiting on the rooftops for her signal knew what was coming.

Kat was excited to be performing but even more excited for what came next.  _ Two weeks _ . Two weeks till she, Cullen and Annie would leave for Fereldan. A new phase of her life was about to begin.  _ It’s only fair I say goodbye to the old one with a bang. _

Kat retreated deeper into the alleyway, storing her disguise for later and fitting her mask across the back of her mid-length waves. She gave a final check to each of her concealed pockets and reached for her worn hat, her hand hesitating before leaving it amongst her things.

_ No _ . She would take no payment today, this was her gift to Kirkwall for their years of support and admiration. Taking a deep breath to calm her simmering nerves she threw a vial of her vanishing powders to the ground. Once invisible to all but the most expert eyes she crept her way through the bustling mass towards her plinth. Her heart soared as she navigated the throng of people, invisible smiles given to her fans of all ages and from all walks of society that had turned out in record numbers. She would give them the best show they had ever seen.

Kat climbed up to her stage, readied her mock-Orlesian accent and cleared her throat. 

With puff of lilac smoke and twinkling sparkles La Belle Joie appeared. Giving a deep dramatic bow and flourishing wave as she was greeted with rapturous applause.  _ Showtime! _

‘Madames et monsieurs, boys and girls. The rumors are true. Today will be my final performance.’

A ripple of discontent spread throughout the crowd, a few shouted  _ ‘No’ _ and there was more than one child who looked close to tears at her announcement.

‘But you must not weep. For today I come to amaze you all, to give you such memories as you will treasure and wondrous stories that you will recall to your grandchildren. C’est Magique!’

And with that her magical requiem began. Kat sprung down from her platform to present a young girl near the front with a bunch of daisies she had conjured from thin air. Then she span with never-ending rivers of colored scarves that appeared in her hands, her bells tinkling and audience clapping along to the rhythm of her dancing.

Her cards jumped between her hands and appeared to defy gravity and the laws of Maker. 

One teleported into the wallet of a well-to do gentleman who declared it a miracle. Another was found folded in the locket for a tradesman's wife and a final appeared from within the glove of the Knight-Captain himself who blushed furiously as she shot him a playful wink through her mask.

She performed her greatest hits to the delight of all and the audience, her audience, were energetic and eager throughout.  _ They have made this possible _ she thought with a bittersweet smile.

  
  


All too soon Kat returned to the center of the crowd and withdrew her Tarot deck. The masses fell silent in recognition of the upcoming finale, they knew the Tarot Magic was always the last part of her performance.

‘You all know these cards!’ She spoke loudly and clearly, filling their heads with suggestions and asking them to suspend their disbelief. ‘You have seen the wonders I have been able to conjure through them. Each one containing hidden intrigues of the arcane and yet-’

As she fanned them out the audience gasped to see that all the faces, save one, were blank. 

‘As you see we now only have one remaining - The Fool.’ She paraded the solitary card around whilst weaving her story. ‘Whilst often considered an ill omen it is also attributed to frivolity and humour. The Fool is the patron saint of the ridiculous and my personal friend’ she said with a shrug earning a chuckle from her enchanted audience.

‘So let us be whimsical and absurd. I want all of you to shout out! Tell me your childhood dreams, tell everyone what fantastical scenarios you conjure in those wonderful minds of yours, let us use this final token to grant one souls’ dearest wish!’

‘I want to be rich!’ an emboldened and possibly drunk man leered from the crowd.

Kat put her hand on her hip ‘Monsieur that is not absurd at all, just good sense. I think we can do better!’

Everyone clamored now. All wishes from the mundane, asking for wealth and trivial goods, to the silly  _ ‘Never ending beer! _ ’ A voice that sounded suspiciously like Hawke called up drawing a laugh, to the utterly baffling _ ‘Flying Goats.’ _

The crowd had almost fallen silent when a young boy shouted up ‘I wanna see snow!’

Everyone giggled at the request and Kat joined in, kneeling before the child who had made the outburst. 

‘Ah, mon petite. Snow is such a beautiful thing. It's as if the silver white stars from the skies fall for our enjoyment.’ She patted the child on the head before standing ‘But it is too hot here non?’

_ ‘Yes’ ‘never snowed here’ _ her audience agreed and Kat gave the impression of one resigned to disappoint.

‘You see some things are impossible, even for Magic’ She stood and began to walk away. pausing to peer back at the child with a spreading grin of mischief ‘Or are they?’

Kat withdrew her deck and flashed the whites of the cards once more. 

‘I need your help’ she commanded the boy who was now bouncing on his feet in excitement. ‘Take this’ she gave him one of the empty cards. ‘And you Ser, here’ she handed another card to the man adjacent to the lad, then another to the one behind.

‘She skipped along the circle that surrounded her ‘And you madame, and you monsieur‘ handing out 59 of the white cards ‘all of you!’

Kat leapt back up onto the stage, keeping the solitary fool card close to her chest.

‘Now rip them up and hold them tight!’ and she demonstrated by tearing her own card into tiny pieces, holding onto the scraps in one cupped hand. Her helpers followed suit.

Kat looked up, the sun would be setting soon although it was still warm. The long rose gold rays were going to provide the perfect backdrop for her greatest trick yet.

She looked once more at her fans ‘Friends, before I take my leave I wish you well. Performing for you all, sharing my magic has been-’ The Magician swallowed down the unexpected lump in her throat, blinking back her tears.

‘It has been -’ She flicked her eyes around the crowd and saw the young Urchin beaming up at her, her heart clenched. She really was leaving...  _ Andraste give me strength. _

‘It’s been -’ she choked on her emotions once more and the crowd took pity on her.

_ ‘We love you Belle-Joie!  _

_ ‘We’ll miss you! _ ’

A thunderous and spontaneous applause swelled up from the audience, she glanced over at Cullen to see him clapping along with a look that was pure adoration. Hollers and cheers, well wishers and chants of her stage name created such a deafening wall of sound she thought her chest would burst. Kat had to bite her lip to stop it from wobbling such was the gratification this moment was bringing her. Reality crashing into her like a sledgehammer  _ I’m going to miss this _ .

Once she had mastered herself she raised her hand, silencing the crowd.

‘I love you all, it has been my most humble honor.’ She gave a pristine curtsy, just like her mother used to show her. When she raised her head her smirk was devious and she shouted out with triumph ‘All of you throw your cards in the air NOW!’

The scattering paper from the crowd carried quickly on a breeze and soon as the final paper flake hit the ground, the real ones began to fall.

First a few, small glittering specs that made the evening sky sparkle like a diamond. Then more, swirling and dancing on the dry Kirkwall air currents. And finally large cold flurries that began to rain from the heavens, coating the square and audience in white powder.

The children reacted first, screams of delight as the icy flakes chilled their noses and became caught in their hair and hats.

The adults outstretched their palms, murmuring in disbelief and pointing up at the sky. At least till the first snowball was thrown. Within a minute the whole crowd was laughing and joking, cheering and clapping each other on the back. 

La Belle Joie watched it all with unparalleled joy. A quiet  _ ‘Au revoir’ _ were her last words as she gave one final flourishing bow then, in a puff of smoke, she vanished before their eyes.

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Kat grinned over her shoulder as she heard familiar metallic footsteps approaching her from behind.

‘Did you like the show?’ She asked while tucking her hair into her hood, her mask already removed and safely stowed.

He was gentle as he threaded his arms under hers, careful not to snag her dress on any of the buckles or plated points that made up his vambraces and gloves. She felt his rigid chest plate, the cool metal and his strength supporting her weight as she relaxed into his embrace.

‘I loved it. It was incredible, you are incredible’ Kat felt herself blush. It was odd for him to be quite so forward with his admiration. But the closer they had gotten to their departure date the more public he had been with his affections and the more eloquent and confident his confessions.

‘You’re being too generous’ she retorted tutting when he pulled her hood away from her head.

Cullen’s encircled arms gripped her waist tightly, his stubble tickled her neck as he nuzzled at the side of her face, his warm breath across her sensitive skin causing her to shiver. Uncaring of the bustling square a few meters away he pressed a kiss onto her cheek, then another, then trailed little presses of his lips and teasing bites along the length of her jawline.

‘Cullen’ she whined in a feeble false complaint, her head tilting to one side to allow him more access for his scintillating affections.

‘Mmnn?’ he murmured across her throat. His lips parted to lick at her chilled skin, the contrast between hot and cool making her gasp.

‘You appear to be trying to eat me’ Kat teased weakly, her words and senses shutting down under his delicate attention,  _ Maker that mouth of his _ !

‘Can you blame me, when you are just so delectable’. He punctuated his words with a tiny roll of his hips, the press of his armor almost painful as he tried to meld his body closer to hers.  _ Oh _ she thought with satisfaction  _ I’ve got that Cullen today _ . The one who could make her knees weak with a look, the one who disregarded his duty and even decency in pursuit of their shared pleasure.

She tilted her head to capture his lips in a kiss, feeling dazed when they parted for air. ‘Do you have time to come back to mine?’ she asked breathlessly and felt his arms tighten around her.

‘Yes’ he whispered against her ear ‘but let's hurry before I have you against the wall again.’

  
  
  


The moment her bedroom door was closed Kat tackled him. Pressing needy desperate kisses to his lips while stripping away his complex armor with deft hands. She had become quite proficient at removing all his metal during their time together, although there were still many occasions when they hadn’t been able to wait. Instead she could recall urgent couplings where his skirts had been hastily pulled aside and her dress was hiked up over her hips. Annie would be mortified if she knew just how many times he had had her bent over the kitchen table but such was their stolen moments between his duties and her work.

Metal discarded she pulled at the belt buckle that held his skirt in place while he ripped his gambedsmon and shirt away from his broad chest. That distracted her. She would never tire of the way his toned abdominals quivered as she explored the dips and ridges of his body, how he leaned into her touch, silently begging her for more.

He failed to notice when his heavy skirts fell to the floor.

‘Kat’ he moaned as she finally pushed her hand into his breeches. Her deft fingers sliding along his length with skillful strokes that made his hips buck and breathing turn ragged. While she worked him they continued to kiss. Cullen’s hands peeling her dress and undershirt from her shoulders till the fabric was bunched by her waist, her breast band was roughly tugged down till her bosom was freed and instantly captured by his greedy hands.

_ Oh _ but he knew just how to touch her, caressing the delicate underside of each breast before pinching her nipples hard till they formed tight buds. It was impossible not to become lost in each other, insensible to all but the hands, tongues and little moans of pleasure that became their language.

He dropped a hand to cup her clothed apex and the pressure and heat from his trivial caress alone had her almost keening. Impatient, she halted her ministrations and peeled his trousers from his legs. Giving him a firm shove so he stumbled backwards onto the bed.

She looked over him hungrily as he sat, propped up by his arms and on full glorious display for her appraisal.

His erection stood proud, thick and already weeping a pearlescent bead of his desire. His long limbs and strong shoulders, thick with muscle and definition from his years of swordplay and physical activity. His skin tanned from sparring in the hot Kirkwall sun. She knew little of the Fade save occasional blurred dreams but was certain no desire demon could ever mimic the golden god of a man who was crooking a finger towards her in indecent invitation.

Hastily she stripped away her own scant clothing, eager to feel all of him both against and within her. There would be no barriers between their bodies today.

‘You are so beautiful’ he spoke once she was naked before him, her blush spreading from her cheeks to the top of her chest, highlighting her pert breasts and taut nipples.

Smiling shyly from the compliment she straddled his legs, his cock trapped beneath her sex while she claimed his lips and body with her own. His hands ran over her back, down her supple curves, and over her thighs before settling on her ass.

Cullen groaned as her rolling hips coated him in her arousal. ‘Kat, my love. I need to feel you.’

Moaning against his lips she raised herself up, teasing herself and him with his engorged tip before slowly, inch by torturous inch impaling herself on his solid shaft. The amber of his eyes was almost completely black in his lust filled haze as they attuned to the unrivaled sensation of becoming one. 

‘I can’t wait to fuck you as my wife’ he spoke with a dark promise, sharply thrusting his hips up into her heat and making her chest bounce.

He did it again, driving their pace faster with each powerful penetration. ‘Maker yes’ she moaned, meeting his thrusts with her own rise and fall. With a confident smirk he continued his filthy tirade, the words whispered so seductively into her ear and making her shiver with anticipation.

‘And I know how eager you are. Needy and desperate to ride your husbands cock as you are now’

‘Yes’ Kat groaned loudly at his sinful words.

‘How sweetly you plan on pleasing me on our wedding night after I have made my vows? That tight cunt of yours mine and mine alone.’

‘I don’t think I want to wait’ Kat confessed between her broken whimpers of pleasure. Their pace not faltering as they drove each other higher and higher, the sound of their flesh meeting the only accompaniment to their breathy sighs and delighted gasps. Suddenly his angle shifted and each time he filled her sheath he stroked along that bundle of nerves that had her crying out. Cullen grunted in approval as walls clenched around his girth. ‘Then let’s not... let’s go to the Chantry tonight!’

Kat felt herself bloom with love and lust ‘Yes, yes’ she panted ‘but I don't know the words.’ 

‘I’ll help’ and he slowed their pace, his hands gently guiding her, their bodies meeting at a steady rhythm as he began to recite his vows.

‘I swear to the blessed Maker-’

‘Oh Cullen’ she moaned, her body beginning to tense as the slow drag of his girth in and out of her core became too much to bear.

‘and the holy Andraste-’ his rich voice caressed her senses and drove her towards her peak. Her hands fiercely grabbing at his shoulders for leverage as her world narrowed down to only the two of them and the point of their joining.

‘to Love this woman-’ 

‘yes, yes, YES!’ Her exuberance couldn’t be contained and she drove herself down onto him with abandon, her vision whiting from the intensity. 

‘a-all rest of my days!’ 

Kat came with a scream. 

Her sex clamping tightly around Cullen's length as he pistoned up into her heat for a final few frantic thrusts. He pressed his teeth into her shoulder, muffling his delirious groan as his shaft pulsed and throbbed. Hot spurts of his seed painting her channel and claiming her irrevocably.

As they caught their breath, gazing with love into each other's eyes there was an odd flash that filled the room with bright light. It was followed by a red pallor and an eerie silence that muffled even their heavy breathing. There was a second, two. And then the world changed forever.

‘What the-?’

_ BOOM _

Kat shrieked as the small pane of glass in her window exploded. Cullen spun them on the bed, shielding her with his body as a sound wave from an explosion rocked the city and shattered their stolen moment of peace.


	23. The Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get the tissues out. Angst ahead.

_ Cullen POV  _

_ I have to live with the consequences of your decision. You broke your promise and you broke me. All for your guilt riddled, Maker-forsaken duty. A poison chalice if there ever was one. _

xxxxx

The city was in chaos.

Fallen masonry and shattered windows littered the narrow streets, making their urgent journey to the remnants of the Grand Cathedral awkward and slow. Everywhere they looked there were people wandering around with vacant stares, men and women crying, children with bloodied stains on their faces from where the explosion had ruptured their ear drums. Cullen had never seen Magic like it although the resulting destruction and sight of dead bodies was more familiar than he would like.

For Kat however it was a cruel awakening and she stared wildly into market square. The ash coated everything and everyone, a cruel juxtaposition to the snow that had brought joy such a short time ago.

Up ahead Cullen could see Hawke, Meredith and Orsino arguing up by the Chantry’s ruined stairs but for now ignored the squabble in favor of helping Kat move some of the wounded. 

‘Katie! Cullen, oh Thank the Maker I was worried you might have been caught up in it.’ Annie exclaimed as she too arrived at the epicenter, her clothes were dusty and she was clutching what must be her medical textbook in her arms but otherwise she looked fine.

Katherine threw her arms around her sister ‘No, we’re both unharmed we’ve only just arrived but what are you doing here it could still be dangerous.’

Tears began welling in the younger girl's eyes as she surveyed the surrounding horror ‘This is awful’ Feeling overwhelmed she buried her head in her sisters chest ‘I’m sorry! It's just I've lost the clinic-’ she sniffed ‘as soon as people saw what had happened everyone panicked and I tried to stop them but it’s been completely destroyed, all the supplies have been stolen, all I could save was my book.’ 

Kat consoled her while Cullen’s strategic mind began working. If people were already looting then they would need to get men out and into the city quickly to maintain at least the impression of the rule of law. The Guard did not have the numbers to secure one district let alone three so it would fall on the Templars to look outward for once and try to restore order. 

‘You two should go home for now’ Cullen said resolutely, knowing he would feel better knowing the sisters were somewhere safe.

‘But we can help’ Kat said softly although she knew him well enough to know when he would not be swayed.

He shook his head ‘Not this time. Please go back, lock the doors and keep hidden. I will send a note once things have calmed down.’

Annie looked as if she would argue with him but Kat’s firm tug on her arm cut her opposition short.

‘Stay safe’ she whispered instead of a typical farewell. He wished he could promise her that he would.

  
  


\--

  
  


It takes a week for all the fires to stop burning.

Cullen doesn’t think he sleeps more than one hour in sixty over those first violent days.

It’s a never ending struggle against the bandits who try to take over portions of the city or the looters who strike without fear of reprisal. They even target the Gallows and he has lost count of the number of repelled attacks. Some are looking for revenge, others Lyrium and medical supplies or even just a safe place for their families while the larger city is falling to pieces. Anti-Mage sentiment had never been higher and those few Mages that remain in the circle cower in the upper levels. 

All the good Kat and Hawke had done in tackling the fear of magic was eradicated in that one fateful instant. And the one responsible,  _ Anders _ he snarled under his breath, had fled the scene. Ironic that the spirit of justice would escape his own righteous judgement, it was hypocrisy at its worst. Maker knows there was a city full of people who were now baying for the once respected Warden’s blood.

A few of his men desert in the first two days. Those that can’t stomach their now superior siding with an Apostate over their own Knight-Commander and those that wanted to slaughter the remaining Mages in the circle even when they had not turned to blood magic. Samson was among their numbers and that did seem a little odd. Given the Templar had always been on the more lenient side of Mage Freedoms he had expected his support.  _ Not to mention his severe addiction, well it matters not,  _ Cullen can’t find the time to mourn that man's departure. 

The majority remain by his side and for that at least he is grateful. None of them know the true horrors of a fallen circle and now with him at the helm none of them ever will. It's the one thought which he uses to console himself after a hard day of identifying bodies and setting up ration stations. 

The Templars were part of the cause of this mess, they needed to be part of the solution. Fortunately his men were eager and diligent to get out into the city, protect the civilians and work with the guard. 

Tiredly he sits down at his cluttered desk, taking a moment just to breathe. Amongst all the chaos he barely has found the time to rest and eat and he feels thin. Stretched out, it's not as bad as Kinloch but the echoes of that time are too similar to be misinterpreted.

_ Shame _ . Shame on him for not seeing the depths of her madness sooner. Shame on him for being so blinded and fearful he let such atrocities be committed. Shame now that once again he stood standing when so many others had lost their lives. His hands are covered in blood.

With sigh he stares down at the note he received yesterday, at a loss for how to respond.

_ Cullen, _

_ The boat is leaving in five days and I have taken the liberty of booking us all passage.  _

_ I know it’s hard out there, I can’t imagine the pressure you must be under but  _ _ please _ _ come and see me.  _

_ Don’t let this be your burden. _

_ I miss you _

_ Kat _

Don’t let it be his burden? Cullen shook his head and threw the note back onto his overcrowded desk.  _ Whose burden was it but his? _ Kat spoke of pursuing their trip to Fereldan as if none of this madness had happened. Yet he was half expecting a Seeker of Truth or the Knight-Vigilant to show up any day to drag him before the Divine for judgement. Even if he wasn’t held to account for Meredith's crimes a transfer to a new position in the Order would be impossible. Not now he had the fall of another circle staining his record.

Cullen hung his head in his hands, trying to will away the migraine that had been pressuring his senses for days. He heard the familiar song of Lyrium calling him from his travel trunk and leaving his desk moved to inspect his hard earned rations.  _ Three months _ . He had saved enough Lyrium for three months worth of doses. Longer if he stretched out the contents. Maybe it wasn’t yet hopeless, with so much he could afford not to work for at least a short while. A knock at his door cut short his reverie.

‘Knight-Commander’ Ser Carver saluted, the younger Hawke sibling looking uncharacteristically careworn, no doubt worrying about his sister for all his assertions that they were estranged.

‘It’s just Knight-Captain’ Cullen reminded him. 

‘Yes Ser. The forward relief team have arrived from Starkhaven.’ Cullen nodded, that was good news. There was a Knight-Captain among their ranks, Ser Rylen who he heard nothing but good things about and was no doubt a better man than him. Perhaps he would be willing to take the burden of command from his shoulders and he could still return to Fereldan after all?

‘One other thing Ser. About our mutual Magician friend.’ Cullen looked up, Carver was clearly struggling with how best to speak on the subject ‘There’s rumors spreading that she was in league with Anders.’

‘Nonsense’ Cullen shot down at once.

‘I know. But people are talking, suggesting that was why her show was later... to try and have people gathered. There’s talk of reprisals should she ever perform in the city again.’

Cullen replied angrily ‘She had nothing to do with it! I should know I was-’ it wouldn't do for him to berate his subordinate just for reporting to him in good faith.

He clenched his jaw to curtail his anger ‘If you hear any of these rumors repeated within  _ our ranks  _ you are to quell them at once.’ The man nodded in solemn understanding.

‘That aside please tell the Starkhaven Templars to wait in the dining hall. I will come to address them shortly.’

Carver saluted and left. Leaving Cullen to his ever despairing thoughts.

_ Reprisals _ . 

He thought about the near daily pogroms, about the angry slurs and projectiles being thrown at the Mages tower of the Gallows, about the angry preachers who had suddenly appeared whipping up hatred and fear and an anti-mage rhetoric that even _ he _ didn't believe during his darkest days.

And he thought of all of that directed at Kat. 

Innocent, hopeful, caring Katherine who only ever wanted to make people smile and provide for her sister. Cullen hadn’t been this fearful for her safety in years. He quickly thanked the Maker that her identity was still largely a secret but for how long... She could already be lynched, dying in a gutter and he would be none the wiser.

Cullen looked back at the pooled doses of Lyrium in his open trunk. She was leaving the city anyways and there she would be safe. He took out one vial with shaking hands and with his shoulders slumping in resignation drained the whole.

\---

_ I shouldn't have left it this late _ . 

He thought as his hand hesitated above the door. He had lacked courage all week and did so again now, not even needing to knock as Annie appeared in front of him wearing a cloak and clearly about to head out.

‘Cullen! Thank the Maker you are here Kat has been intolerable worrying about you’ she beamed.  _ Of course she has _ , he should have sent a note but every time he tried the words wouldn’t flow from his pen. He owed her so much, he at least had to do this in person.

‘I’m just going to visit a family I was helping and then I'll be back to help finish packing.’ Annie was unusually chatty,  _ it’s good to see her so optimistic. _ He was going to miss the teenager who was as much a sister to him as Rosealie was. ‘Oh I can’t wait to get home, can you? Fereldan is so pretty this time of year - Sorry! I'm stopping you and she will be eager for your time’ with a playful wink the girl headed out the door and Cullen on shaking legs stepped through.

‘There you are!’ She said happily, her face falling the moment she saw his no doubt serious expression.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked urgently removing her apron and approaching him with concern.

‘Nothing is wrong’ he lied, feeling a fool for even uttering the words when she knew him so well ‘I just wanted to check on your preparations and give you some additional money for the journey.’

Cullen placed a purse of his own savings on the table top and and Kat scoffed ‘Why would you do that you are coming with us-’

He saw her take a second, then two as his meaning became clear.

‘Why?’ She whispered. Her eyes fixed on the purse, her hand flexing by her sides.

Cullen sighed ‘Kat, I’m just about the only figure of authority left in the city. I need to stay here to ensure the safety of everyone.’

‘Okay’ she said suddenly, surprising him. ‘Well I can stay too! I trust the Captain of the ship to get Annie to Denerim safely and Mia was going to meet-’

‘No.’ he said quickly and saw her falter.

‘Excuse me?’ now her eyes were raised to his, but still guarded.

‘You can’t stay here. It isn’t safe’ it was the truth, but still sounded pitiful to his ears.

‘Cullen you've been training me for years I will be  _ fine _ ’ she replied a little panicked, her attempts to reassure him only making the whole worse. She wouldn't go on her own, she loved him and he loved her more than anything. And that meant he would do anything to keep her safe.

'Besides’ she continued on feigning a tone of calm ‘I can’t leave you, you’re my Husb-' 

'DON’T!’ He snapped remembering his vows from the night two weeks ago. He had meant every word. ‘Do not say it.' 

Kat folded her arms and glared at him with rising anger. He needed to explain himself better, to get her away from here but how?

'The Champion has fled the city.' he said feebly.

'Cullen that doesn't change anything.'

_ I can’t protect you  _ he silently cried. 'It changes  _ everything _ . You can't be here’

‘Why?’ She shouted now blinking back tears as he began to tear apart their beautiful love.

  
  


‘Because this is a mistake!’ He pointed to the space between them and spoke through gritted teeth, the words like bitter like poison on his tongue. ‘We can not be together any longer.’  _ Please understand, please don't fight me on this _ .

Kat’s color was high, her face twisting in pain but there was still a glimmer of hope in her expression. That belief in their strength a couple took his breath away. He recalled now how she had been so willing to try a long distance relationship with him. He would be too, but first he had to get her out of here.

‘That’s not true, we can make this work. We always have done…’ her breath hitched as her tears began to fall. 

‘No’ Her green eyes betrayed her pain as her hope was extinguished.

‘W-why? Why are you saying these things?’

Up until now Cullen thought his greatest crime was his negligence of the circle but he knew better now. He would never forgive himself for breaking her heart. 

‘If I hadn't been involved in this dalliance with you I may have been more vigilant.’ _ Liar _

'A dalliance! Is that all it’s been to you?' She spoke as if struck and it took all of his resolve not to backtrack.

‘Yes’ he replied too quickly Kat flinching at his words. ‘If I hadn’t been engaged in this distraction I might have stopped Meredith sooner.’  _ Lie to her _ ‘Perhaps I may have been able to make some reforms, even prevented Anders' rebellion.’  _ Keep her safe _

‘This has been a costly affair indeed and it has to stop.’

  
  


Kat slid to the floor in a heap, wailing loudly as she came to understand that this was the end. It took all his years of willpower conditioning not to go to her. ‘C-Cullen. We are about to start a new life together. Don’t throw me away, please, please don't do this my love.’ she begged, sobbed for him to stay and reconsider and Cullen turned back to the door. It was the only way he could hide his own tears.

‘I will always be your friend. But it is time you and Annie moved on and I focused on my duty’ and with that he left.

  
  


\----

  
  
  


There are Echoes of her everywhere he looks. He wants to write to Mia, ask her to pass on a message, an apology and plea that she wait, just a few more months for him. But Kirkwall is not recovered. Even with the Champion returned it would be years before the city is set to rights.

He goes to the Chapel in the Gallows every night when sleep won’t come to him. The image of Andraste, universal throughout Thedas is a welcome sight and a stark reminder of what he has lost.

He would have been saying his marriage vows to her around now. In a warm welcoming Fereldan chatry surrounded by their family and friends.

Instead He is surrounded by loyal Men and Women. By Mages who no longer fear him but see him as the protector he was born to be. He has his duty, the thing he had been striving for since childhood. 

Yet he has never felt so alone.

His prayers always end the same

Maker, 

I swear. If you ever find it in your heart to return her to me I will not squander it.

I who have and will continue to be your servant till the day I die.

  
  


\---

_ Cullen, _

_ I’m glad to hear from you and that you are safe. _

_ Katherine has refused to even open your letters. I don’t know what happened and I won't pry but it is breaking all our hearts to see our family so fractured. _

_ I know this is what you wanted but some things are more important.  _

_ I won’t beg but I will advise you in the strongest possible terms. _

_ Come home _ _ .  _

_ May the Maker watch over you _

_ Mia _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but hang in there. I promise it gets better, really really quickly.


	24. The Masque

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fixed it (or did I???)

_ Cullen POV _

_ If I sound angry it’s because I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you or if I would even want to. But fate has intervened and for better or worse I am bound to you now _

xxxxx

Chandelier light, bright and glittering reflected off the multitude of highly polished surfaces. Everything was gilded in silver or gold. Even the floor, crystal flecked marble that could almost be mistaken for a mirror. The heavy drapes are of the finest fabrics and decorated with metallic woven thread and embroidery which only adds the dizzying brilliance. 

And yet Cullen cares for none of it.

What was the point of such a display of wealth when, as he had read in reports and seen first hand on their journey to and from Adamant, the rest of the Orlais was burning to the ground. At least the Fereldan Monarchs kept more modest accommodations and the nobility gave the impression of being concerned about the plight of the common folk. This idleness and ignorance in the face of reality was almost as nauseating as his rolling stomach. He even found the food too rich for his tastes.

Another group of women came to crowd around him and the array of perfumes he finds to be sickening and cloying. That, along with the constant tittering behind fans and unwelcome touches, combines with the lighting and scent stimuli till he has a ferocious migraine.

Try as he might he is sure he is wincing with each new shrill laugh, Josephine will be shooting daggers at him from across the gilded ballroom but he is too frustrated to care.

His fitted red jacket restricts his movement as he raises his hand to rub at his tired eyes. Giving himself half a second of darkness and peace before the swimming colors once again dance before him both in reality and in his swirling vision.

_ The withdrawals are hard tonight _ he grimaces. That was a lie, they had been getting progressively worse and this fitted well within that pattern. What he needed was rest. And he couldn't think of a day when he had last felt as if he had had sufficient sleep.

His nightmares, long since dormant returned with vengeance the moment he stopped consuming his draught in Kirkwall. The gore of Kincloh, the rubble of Kirkwall and charred remains in the valley of sacred ashes made for harrowing backdrops. Even his one beacon of hope was corrupted for when Kat now appeared she wasn’t his innocent childhood friend asking ‘You will remember me won't you Cullen?’

Now he had tasted her, loved and adored her for those wonderful years the Desire Demon that plagued him had a feast of potential horrors to draw upon. He saw her corpse another victim of the Mage Templar War, or her body naked and beaten after being forced into slavery. Worse still was the nights he was shown she and her sister chained up and made to grow the red lyrium till it pierced their skin and sent them mad. And every night the same vile words were spoken with the echoing hiss ‘ _ You broke your promise Cullen. But I can be yours again if you accept me _ ’ and he would wake with a scream in his throat, or a tear in his eye.

It wouldn't be for long. Hopefully peace could be won tonight and with new allies they could finally put an end to the scourge of the Venatori, then the larger threat of Corypheus. And once done, battles over, he  _ would  _ find her. The request for Leliana's aid in  _ that _ endeavor had been written up and stored in his desk for months. 

Inquisitor Trevelyan, for her somewhat flippant and at times belligerent disposition had yet to lead them wrong and this, plus her reliance on his counsel gave him confidence in the Inquisitions goal. Cullen knew he should be flattered that the Herald had seemingly taken an interest in him. She was beautiful with her flaxen hair and blue eyes yet instead he found her forwardness awkward and at times irksome.

‘Not in Kirkwall’ he had said during one such conversation, meaning to kindly inform her that he was not looking for companionship. Only to find out from Dorian later that she had taken as playful encouragement much to Cullen’s dismay. It may be four years since he had last seen her but to him no other woman could compare to her memory.

_ Four years _ he thought glumly. He had not had one word or line from her in all that time and although work kept him distracted enough when he searched his feelings the hollow was always there. Of his mistakes from Kirkwall, of which there were countless, he still wasn’t sure whether his lack of action in regards to Meredith or pushing away his best friend and love of his life was the greater sin.

Mia at least had assured him that she was keeping well, wherever she was and that had to be enough for him. 

Whatever vows they had exchanged were surely worth nothing to her but in his heart Cullen still cleaved to them. And until he found out for certain that she was wedded elsewhere he would always hope for a reconciliation, it was still the final thought of his nightly prayers.

  
  
  
  


Another faceless mask, full and shapeless save two small almond slits for eyes joined the small huddle around him. This one was white and silver, decorated with a representation of bird wings and was somewhat less gaudy than the others, but it was still richly decorated with ornate filigree and cut gemstones. He barely regarded the stranger as they leaned closer to no doubt offer a lewd observation of his person. It was not yet gone nine and he had already had his fill of praise, touches and suggestions to last him several such evenings, now it was taking all his patience not physically assault each new unwelcome admirer.

‘Tell me, are you married Commander?’ The woman’s sweet voice rang out from behind the stoic mask.  _ Another proposition then? _ It made Cullen want to sigh from weariness but Josephine had taught him well. He turned to the interrogator ‘N-no but I am-’ A pair of mossy green eyes were peeking out from beneath the silver frame that, for just a moment, made him falter ‘-taken’

‘Oh’ There was something almost familiar in that expression of disappointment, or what he could see of it. The Lady didn't press as others had done, she didn't ask if they could take the place of his mystery lover, or join in or even watch, they just regarded him. Sadly.

Suddenly a hand on his forearm drew his attention. And Cullen almost lost his temper at this new assailants’ boldness, till he saw it was the Inquisitor addressing him. ‘Who are all these people?’ She asked loudly enough to be heard and most assembled ignore the jibe. The Inquisition had still not earned it’s reputation at court and to most the insult it is little more than the buzz of an irritating fly.

But not the Lady with the winged mask. She regards the Inquisitor, her hand still resting on his forearm and recognizes the gesture of familiarity. Without taking her leave, or even looking at him again she moves away, seemingly vanishing among the sea of satins and silks. 

‘Well at least I’ve managed to chase one of them away from you’ the Inquisitor mutters, drawing him away into an alcove along with the other advisors.

‘I’ve decided to support Gaspard’ she whispered and Cullen feels pity as Lady Montilyet covers her mouth in shock. The Inquisitor was unmoved ‘Duchess Florianne is behind the whole, she thinks i’m dead so will have no hesitation in striking and then we can detain her for regicide, clearing the way for her brother to accede.’

‘And Briala?’ Leliana asks.

Trevelyan snorts ‘what's an elf to do with Orlais!’ she says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. As if, as Cullen's men had reported, their bodies were not littering the servants quarters after the bloody Game this night. Her family were known to be pious but it’s clear their bounty and charity did not apply to all the Makers children.

The whole plays out just as the Inquisitor predicted. Almost.

After the shocking assassination a whole swarm of the Duchess’ associates emerge from hiding. They pour into the hall hacking at any and all in their path and targeting the few members of the Inquisition with extreme prejudice.

Cullen, armed with only his dress sword acts without hesitation. He was the Commander for a reason. Rallying his own men to action he defends his side of the ballroom and the civilians who still scatter and scream in fear, overcoming wave after wave of assassins with his deadly skill. At least till one of them drops a smoke bomb.

He was trained for this, it should be nothing to him and yet the smog was thick, acrid and choking and suddenly his head aches as a crippling wave of pain from his migraine rends him to near blindness.

Two assailants converge on him and Cullen is knocked to the ground by their simultaneous attack and he senses rather than sees the approaching killing blows.

_ Should have let me wear armor _ he thinks darkly expecting a mortal wound at any moment.

Instead there is the clang of steel on steel as the attacks are blocked. A new Harlequin, wearing lighter colors than the rest, is his defender and they are a skillful combatant. She, for her shapes denote her as such, spins with grace, striking high and low with simple daggers and attacking not unlike a Templar rogue would. Cullen knows the style well he trained Kat in the art back in Kirk-

_ Oh _ . 

His heart stops at the same instant her flashing attacks do, the last of assailants crumpling to the ground coughing on their own blood. Danger over her daggers are sheathed before she turns to offer him a helping hand. 

‘You’ve gotten very slow in your old age’ the accent isn’t quite Orlesian and for the second time that evening he has a sense of dejavu.

Cullen stands and tries to see through her mask. It couldn't be,  _ could it? _

When she tries to pull away he holds onto her hand for a second causing her to turn back to him with concern.

The green eyes, the slightly misplaced accent, her height and fighting style. Even what he could make out of her hair, brunette waves pinned tightly behind her all denoted her identity.

_ But it cannot be _

‘Monsieur I must go’ she pulls her hand from his and speeds away from him, slipping behind a curtain and from his sight. 

Cullen moves to make chase, sprinting down the first set of stairs. And then he looked around the now chaotic ballroom, bodies strewn about. Prisoners were being chained for transport and some of his men approached for fresh orders and he knew, just like always that his duty had to come first. 

* * *

Cullen worked numbly. Locking up the box of emotion that threatened to distract him even if his mind still reels from his encounter.

He doesn't hear Gaspard make his announcement or see the Inquisitor head off for the long overdue ‘peace’ talks. Cassandra comes by and gives a nod of approval but mercifully did not approach to begin a conversation. Ballroom clean and all evidence of the sickening Game now scrubbed from the floors the new Emperor emerges to give a speech which Cullen all but ignores. 

‘ _ In these trying times the Inqu- _ ’

Instead he scans the faces in the crowd, looking for a silver and white mask. His eyes land on Leliana  _ of course! _ She would know for certain who it was just from the description alone. 

‘ _ -please enjoy tonight's entertainment. _ ’

Cullen hastened towards the spymaster stopping in his tracks when there was a sudden bang followed by a crackling from a small firework in the center of the Ballroom. He reflexively reached for his sword, but instead of screams or murmurs of panic the audience started to clap and all crowd around the balcony of the dance floor. 

He approached the space too, looking down at a strange mist that is somehow alive with flecks of color. And when the fog clears he is greeted with the sight of a silver winged mask, the area around the mouth removed and a familiar pair of painted red lips twisting into a teasing smirk.

There could be no doubt.

‘Madams and Monsieurs. Ladies and gentlemen. Your Radiance and esteemed guests.’ She bows to the audience, then the new Emperor and the Inquisitor in turn. 

‘I am Joy and I wish to share with you all the most magnificent magic to celebrate this glorious day.’

Cullen felt like the eager, young Knight-Captain once more as Belle Joie began her performance. Any lingering sickness and pain subdued with the endorphins now flooding his veins. 

The dress she was wearing he half recognizes from before when she had asked him -  _ Maker’s breath she thinks I’m in a relationship _ . He groaned in annoyance with himself and how his deflection had most certainly been misconstrued. A second pained groan, this one of lust slipped past his lips as the heavy fabrics of her dress were stripped away with a flourish revealing her skin tight Harlequins costume. Like her old adapted lingerie it hinted at sensuality without being scandalous, she was covered from head to toe but every curve was on display. Her hips appeared wider than he remembered but it served to accentuate her narrow waist and voluptuous chest. 

‘On with the show!’ She commands, the audience cheer with jubilation and Cullen finds himself ignoring her body to instead admire her spirit. She seems undaunted by the finery around her, carefree and confident as she delights all with her illusions. He almost weeps when she draws out a tarot deck the nostalgia adding to his tumultuous emotions.

‘The Burning Man!’ She announces and, taking the card from the Madame who had selected it, parades it around the room before it explodes into flames. The crowd gasp at the sudden flash of crimson light. It didn't matter whether she was performing to high or low born folk, all craned their necks to see more and  _ all _ were equally enraptured with the Magician. Two assistants dressed in a more simple version of her costume brought forth a large chest from some unseen location and from it they withdrew more tools of Joies trade, chains and locks in heavy wrought Iron dragged around for all to examine.

Like all her performances there was a certain scintillation about the way in which she offered herself up for binding. First they cuff her hands behind her back, then her long legs are chained too. The keys are thrown into the audience as proof that there can be no assistance for the prisoner and she is bound almost to the point of immobilization.

Finally a blindfold is placed over the entirety of her head, shrouding her mask and all in darkness.

Her assistants guide her over to the large chest then they push their mistress in, slam the lid closed and lock it with chains. 

No one seems concerned for her, except Cullen. He worries whether or not there are air holes. 

‘No’ he murmurs with alarm, completely ignored by the audience as sharp smelling clear paraffin is doused over the chest and with twin torches set aflame.

The heat is immediate and intense and it is only his firm belief that she is a miracle worker that allows him to keep his feet fixed in place. 

The assistants move away and retrieve a large scarlet curtain attached to some poles. They raise the curtain above the chest and cover it for one, two seconds. 

As it drops she is there. Arms outstretched wide, free of all restraints and with a flapping dove perched on one finger. A radiant smile lights up her face as the audience whoop, cheer and hurl praise. There was no doubt now but the all too familiar way in which she gives a playful wave to her audience and a flourishing bow reminds him of each and every time he was able to watch her in Kirkwall.

There is no doubt that he was still completely and irrevocably in love with her. 

The assistants throw the curtain up into the air again. And when it lands she has gone. Vanished. Leaving nothing but white feathers behind her.

The audience goes wild once more but Cullen almost panics. Not for her safety but that she might slip away without him having at least had the chance to apologize for his foolish pride all those years ago. It was too much to hope there could be anything more.

He looks about the ballroom for the next twenty minutes. It was unlikely she would reappear as a servant but with the masks the order of the day she could be anywhere or anyone.

There! He almost runs towards the silver mask only slowing to a casual walk when he nears.

‘Please think on it’ the Ambassador says with real warmth just as she bids his fellow advisors farewell.

‘Commander’ she greets, the flawless Orlesian is back as is the full mask and she curtseys before making a move past him.

‘Wait!’ he demands, his hand reaching out but halting just before he could grasp her arm.

She stands shoulder to shoulder with him refusing to meet his eyes but he won’t lose his chance, not when she is this close ‘I  _ beg  _ you, let me see your face’ 

Cullen see’s her throat swallow, her indecision clear as she weighs up his plea. After a too awkward silence she whispers, free of her fake accent ‘Not here. Follow me’ she commands and in that moment he would follow her into the void itself if she asked it of him.

She led him behind one of the multitude of curtains, it may have been the one she disappeared into before as it seemed to lead to a staging area for her show. Complete with her alternate mask on a stand by a well lit mirror and the now extinguished chest in one corner.

‘I’m surprised to find you can spare even an instant Commander. Doesn’t your  _ Inquisitor _ have a need of you?’ He doesn't miss the inflection there and curses his own stupidity and Trevelyan’s ill timed flirtation. She strides away keeping her back to him and begins to work on the ribbons securing her mask in place. Her question is fair considering their last parting. The tone, not cruel but guarded and cautious.

‘The Inquisition will not crumble if I take a few moments to -’ She turns as her mask is removed and whatever words Cullen had been forming die on his tongue. 

‘ _ Katherine _ ’ he breathes, barely more than a whisper.

‘To what? Catch up with an old friend?’  _ It’s her _ . His heart.

‘Kat’ he says her name again, emotion making him unintelligible. And she is as lovely as ever, lovelier even than he remembered.

He’s sure his eyes are watering either from not blinking or the overwhelming surge of happiness he has at seeing her healthy and whole  _ and here _ .

‘You look well Cullen’ she fills his stupid silence. A small but kind smile tugs at her lips ‘I like your hair.’

Still he can’t speak, suddenly self conscious and he rubs the back of his neck to do anything with his shaking hands. 

_ She’s here _ . The long lonely years he vowed that if he ever got the chance to see her again he wouldn't hesitate. Not for a second. And he would be damned if his nerves made him miss his chance now.

He approaches her in two large strides and ignoring her little squeak of alarm bundles her into his arms.

  
  


The feel of her body is rigid at first but within a moment he feels the tension leave her and just as his arms are wrapped protectively around her shoulders, hers circle his waist.

‘I’ve missed you’ he finally confesses and it’s not enough, not even close but it opens the floodgates. 

‘I have written to you’ he began ‘I have prayed for you’ now he can't stop. ‘I have thought of you every single day and vowed that when I found you again I wouldn't let you go’ at last she stiffened in his arms. Placing her hands on his chest and pushing him away.

Her guard is back up, so much more controlled than the fiery anger he would have expected. ‘Stop it, stop saying these things you stupid man.’

Kat begins to pace in the small room ‘you don't know what you are saying and I'm not going to be taken in by pretty words again.’ He deserved that, he did break his promise to her. But Cullen had been dreaming of this moment for years and he was prepared.

‘No words’ he said ‘No falsities, look at my actions.’ She folded her arms, unimpressed and he neared her again, slowly as if approaching a skittish fox. ‘Kat, I have left the Order. I’ve stopped taking lyrium.’ Her head shot up at that statement and she regarded him with a mixture of curiosity and concern. He pushed his hands through his tamed curls ‘I am in the middle of a war but I still find time for my friends, one of whom is a Mage, from Tevinter!’ The words sound strange said aloud but they had the desired effect. She arched a brow in surprise, her painted red lips parting as if to decry but then she smiled, hopefully.

'So you really have changed' she said softly and Cullen nodded.

Her eyes shine with some hidden but urgent emotion. It seemed as if she was eager to speak of whatever now consumed her thoughts but was able to hold her tongue. Instead her cool neutrality reigned ‘I’ve given my address to your Ambassador. Come to see me on your way back through Val Royeaux. There’s a lot we must discuss.’ 

Cullen readily agreed and then she once again picked up her mask.

‘Allow me’ he offered, and he took his time tying the ribbons in what he hoped were acceptable bows. Relishing the chance just to stand close to her once more and begging his shaking hands didn't ruin the almost tender moment. Her hair was soft, her scent appealing and he does notice the way the gooseflesh rises on the back of her neck as he lets his gloved hand trail ever so subtly across her shoulders. Feeling emboldened he reached for her hand wrapped in its silk glove and, with all the care and reverence she deserved, he bent low, brushing his lips ever so gently across her knuckles.

‘Until then my Lady’

He knew her well enough to know that she was blushing beneath her mask.  _ There is hope then _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say the response to the last chapter was overwhelming.   
Thank you all so much for caring about Kat (and Cullen though he is a silly silly boy)  
Your comments really meant a lot to me and have given me a good boost to carry me forward.
> 
> I hope this chapter has helped mend some of the broken hearts x


	25. The Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a roller-coaster. Or possibly a steam roller.

Kat POV

_ I don’t know when I will feel healed enough to open my heart to you again or if I ever will. And there is more to consider now than my own emotions. _

xxxxx

The past forty-eight hours had been a torment for Kat. She had been restless during the short journey back to her residence in Val Royeaux and unusually quiet and reflective as she gave instructions to prepare for the possible relocation. 

Annie had done her best to keep her spirits up but she found herself fluctuating between relief and regret, excitement and irritation. And now she found herself pacing in the front drawing room which afforded a view of the street.  _ Would he even come? _ She thought glumly, reminding herself that he  _ had _ seemed eager to reconnect. 

Eager but also earned for she wouldn’t have invited him if she didn't believe that he had changed. And she did believe it. In truth she had been waiting for the chance to approach him from the moment he had left Kirkwall and the Order behind... but then the sky opened, then there was the awful month when she thought he along with the rest of the Inquisition had been killed at Haven and then he lead an army to victory in Adamant. She hadn’t had any shortage of news in the capital and suffice to say with him off saving the world there hadn't been the right time to make the necessary communication.

And now he  _ was _ coming and her restlessness was unbearable.

Huffing with self reproach she sat down at the writing table and pulled out her old battered Grimoire. It was one of the only possessions she had kept over the years and as she reviewed the now familiar pages she felt her calmness reconvene. She smiled as she saw the page for her latest Illusion, the greatest escape it was called. Her increased budgets had led to ever more grand staging and as she twiddled with her silver jewelry she reflected that, professionally at least, Orlais had been kind to her. 

A servant announced the arrival of a gentleman from the Inquisition and Kat’s calmness shattered like glass, whatever small reprieve she had been granted was over and felt completely insignificant compared to the surge of nervousness and nausea rising within her. 

‘Thank you, please tell him I’ll be there presently’ only her years of performing allowed her voice to remain steady. Once the door was closed she stood, straightened her dress and checked that she hadn’t pulled too many stray hairs down from her chignon while she had been fidgeting.

She checked her appearance in the mirror by the door, frowning briefly at the new wrinkles and tired eyes that greeted her.  _ Like it matters _ she scolded herself remembering the Inquisitor’s easy touch and Cullen’s admission that he was in a relationship.

Even if that weren't the case there was no future for them as a couple. Regardless of those resurgent feelings which had crashed into her like a wave at the sight of him looking resplendent in his uniform. It had taken her far long enough to cool down after his embrace and she cursed the way her body had reacted to his strong arms and gentle fingers.

_ Keep calm. You don't matter,  _ she chanted as she left the room and headed to the foyer. 

  
  


His back was turned but there could be no doubt about who the broad fur capped shoulders belonged to. He stood tall and with an unshakable presence, his armor gleaming in the light from the large windows and his hand resting on the pommel of his sword as he surveyed the foot traffic that passed by. His curls were still slicked back in the style she had seen on him two days ago, it suited him. Her heart galloped like a racehorse as she prepared to clear her throat.

‘Katie!’ a sudden call from the stairs drew her attention and no doubt Cullen’s also.

‘Frederic!’ She greeted Annie’s husband warmly, kissing each cheek in the Orlesian style. 

‘I hadn’t realized you were back. Was your trip a success?’

‘Yes, yes very good. We should be shipping up the Frostbacks in no time’ he spoke jovially, his eyes sliding over her shoulder to the man no doubt standing to attention behind her ‘Is that?’ he asked quietly and she blushed at the awkwardness of the situation before remembering her manners.

‘Ah yes, please let me introduce Commander Rutherford of the Inquisitions forces.’ She turned with what she hoped was a serene countenance, relieved when she saw that  _ he _ wasn’t even looking at her.

Frederic grabbed Cullen’s gloved hand and shook it with real affection. ‘It’s an honor to meet you Ser Rutherford. I know you had a hand in saving my beloved many years ago’ Cullen's eyes darted between the pair widening infinitesimally, it would have been missed by almost everyone, but she knew him better than herself. 

‘If there is ever anything I can ever do for you, you only need to ask’ Fredric continued on, unabashed.

‘Thank you’ Cullen responded in a clipped professional tone. He wasn’t exactly scowling, but he didn't seem pleased at her brother-in-laws warm welcome either.

‘Excellent!’ Frederic said cheerily, making his excuses and leaving Kat and Cullen alone.

The awkward pause that followed was excruciating. She studied the floor and Cullen looked very much as if he wanted to run out the front door.

At length she cleared her throat and spoke with a slight tremble in her voice ‘Would you like to follow me?’

He gave a terse nod and shadowed her as she made her way back to the parlor.

_ Say something? _ But what could she say? She searched her mind for any topic of conversation and nearly wept when Cullen landed on one for her.

‘This is a charming home’ he said, still with a tightly controlled timbre. It was enough though and now she had an opening she could talk at length and pleasantly about her situation.

‘It is! I’m so lucky Annie and Frederic let us stay here’ she cursed her slip up but he didn't seem to notice and instead stared back towards the hallway.

‘Frederic’ he said with dawning realization, a tiny furrow on his brow. ‘The boy from your Sister’s letters?’

She felt herself smile at the old memory stirred ‘Yes. It’s quite romantic really. After all that fuss he was true to his word and they were married as soon as we came to Val Royeaux.’

It had been a small simple affair, but Kat had still wept like a child.

Cullen studied the ceiling and his hand crept up to the back of his neck. Seeing his familiar gesture so many years later made her nostalgic for happier times. ‘I-I assumed he was your- ah’ 

Kat caught his meaning and rushed to correct him ‘Oh, no. I am-’ she wanted to say unattached, but that wasn't exactly true so she bit her lip, pondering on her next words, and instead of being forthright turned to hide her rising mortification. ‘Could I get you some wine?’ she asked shakily, preparing the glasses with too much clinking and clanking to pass as a casual action.

_ Small talk _ , just focus and find an opening. ‘I was surprised at the Inquisition’s decision to support Gaspard. You know he will attack Ferelda-’ the words became a hitch of her breath as Cullen’s arms came to rest on the wood either side of her body. Pinning her against the sideboard with a cage of his creation.

‘Kat’ he sounded almost pained and she felt his head rest against the back of hers. He breathed deeply and Kat didn't dare move fearing she would destroy the stolen moment of warmth and intimacy. ‘I have missed you more than words can express.’

‘And I you’ she replied truthfully, somberly.

Tears welled in her wide unblinking eyes. Her anguish rising every second he remained pressed close to her. How could she have done this to him? No longer, no more deceit, she had to have courage.

This couldn't be. 

‘Please tell me I’m not too late?’ Now she turned to face him. Confused and studying his eyes for any trace of deceit. 

‘But the Inquisitor-‘ she said.

Cullen shook his head, his hands coming to rest on her hips ‘Is my commanding officer and nothing more. Kat there has been no one but you.’ She stopped breathing as he leaned towards her, their foreheads resting together as if their intimacy had never waned. This close she could smell him and the familiar Elderflower, mingled with his new scents of oakmoss and armor polish. He spoke again little more than a whisper ‘For what they were worth I  _ have _ kept my vows to you, but I would not blame you if you have found someone else.’

Kat gasped at his confession. Time had long since cooled her anger at his unkind words back then and for all his failures she still loved him. And he still cared for her? This was bliss. A moment of pure joy... that couldn’t be. She had wronged him too severely.

‘No- no but Cullen-’ she made the mistake of meeting his eyes and the hope burning within his golden brown gaze rendered her speechless.

‘You are unattached?’

She could only nod ‘but-’ her urgent confession was silenced as Cullen crushed his lips to hers.

  
  


Kat moaned into the kiss. It had been too long since she had been held, too long since her desires had had any outlet. It was a moment of weakness.  _ This isn’t right _ she pulled back but he chased her lips as she retreated, desperate to keep her close he threaded his arms around her waist and pulled her closer.

‘Cullen please wait, I must tell you something.’ She said as he dipped his head to her neck, peppering affection along her jawline and throat.

Something like a growl rumbled in his chest and the vibrations shot straight to her core. Her conscience was beginning to lose the battle with her body. ‘No, I’ve waited four years to have you back in my arms. I will not tarry, not this time -’

What could she say to such a plea? 

‘Cullen’ she sighed as he kissed her once more. And this time she surrendered.

Her face tilting up towards his, her hands threading around his neck to cling at the fur there. His leg came to rest against her parted thighs and for the first time in years she allowed herself to experience passion and to  _ feel _ . 

  
  
  
  
  


'Mommy?' 

Cullen stilled above her and her eyes, that had slipped shut in pleasure, now squeezed shut in pain. 

Forcing a smile she untangled herself from Cullen's arms to address the child that had snuck into the room. He remained standing, so still she wasn’t sure he was breathing as he took in the appearance of the small three year old.

Kat knows exactly how her daughter looks. She has her hair, a shade lighter and touch curlier that falls in short ringlets around her face. But her eyes are a rich honey brown that flash golden in the bright sunny room, just like her fathers.

‘Minnie, what did I say about interrupting me while I have guests?’ She says and cannot mask the shake in her voice or her rising shame. 

Her daughter makes a humming noise while she thinks ‘That s’ok if I say sorry?’ she says hopefully.

Cullen’s ongoing silence is a misery and so instead Kat focuses on her child ‘Right, so what do you say?’

‘Sorry mommy’ she says sheepishly but with a smirk that suggests she knows she wont get into any further trouble. Again she forces herself to appear light hearted, bunching her hand in her skirts to hide how they quiver.

‘That’s ok. Would you be a good girl and go and wait with Aunt Annie for me? I’ll call you through in a minute.’

Minnie nodded her head enthusiastically before sprinting back through the door.

She couldn't look at him.

He turned and poured himself a glass of wine which he downed in one, not tasting it at all.

She still couldn't look at him and instead she went to sit on a nearby chaise, her face flushed with shame and chest heaving.

Cullen, despite his apparent shock, spoke composedly with a controlled tone. She envied how he was able to mask the no doubt torrent of emotions wreaking havoc in his psyche ‘What does she know of me?’

Maker knew he deserved answers ‘She knows your name and that you are a knight who is away on an important mission saving the world.’ Cullen pushed his hand through his hair ruffling the neat style ‘But one day that you will come to meet her, when the time is right.’ 

He says no more for a minute and so she asks hopefully ‘Is the time right?’

His palms slam onto the sideboard making the glasses and decanter rattle ‘the right time was when she was conceived!’ He barks.

Kat is hurt but not surprised by his anger and she steels herself for a lifetime of his hatred. But she vowed to answer his questions calmly.  _ You owe him that much _ ‘She was conceived the night the Chantry exploded’ he looks saddened at the revelation. ‘If you’ll recall there were looters everywhere. Even if I hadn't been distracted by the city burning around us the witherstalk had all been stolen.’

‘Then why didn't you tell me?’ He asks quietly and she doesn't know where to start.

Sighing she begins ‘Cullen-’

‘How could you keep this from me!’ Now she flinched at his interruption. The anger in his voice is laced with pain, pain she has caused and it makes her misery even more acute.

Trying and failing to hide her rising sadness and the destruction of any possible reconciliation she finds tears brimming in her eyes. Still she did her best to speak with composure.

‘What was it you said?’ she started with a calm that did not reflect her torrent of emotions. ‘That I, no that  _ we _ were a mistake.’

Cullen glared at the ground. ‘You labelled our whole relationship,  _ years _ , a dalliance.’

Cullen groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose ‘It was to keep you safe’

‘You said I was a distraction!’ She spoke with more feeling now, hating his hypocrisy ‘You blamed ME for your failures, you blamed me for the madness that befell the city and all of those poor souls who died’

Cullen’s rebuke which he no doubt had planned died on his tongue in the face of her rising fury.

Her sadness dried up quicker than she had anticipated and instead her own fury sprung forth.

‘My child.  _ Our _ child deserved better than that’ she spat with venom fixing her furious green glare on his hunched over form. ‘Better for her to have an absent father than one who laments her very existence!’

She wouldn't turn away from him, not this time not when she was defending her guiding principle these last years. As painful as it had been for her, and it had been an agony unlike any other, she would not concede that she had been wrong to protect their child from his inconsistency.

The silence between them this time was not awkward. It was charged as they stared each other down. He was right to be hurt. He could hate her all he wanted but she was right to keep Minnie safe. 

  
  


He looked like he was about to argue with her further, but clamped down.

‘I deserve the chance to know her.’

‘Yes.’ She agreed, and saw how his eyes flicked over to the door where Minnie had exited.  _ yes, you do _ she thought.

Softly she spoke ‘Leaving the order and joining the Inquisition, writing to your family more and stopping taking Lyrium. I can see that you’ve changed’

Cullen nodded slowly and looked hopeful but then crumbled.

‘I- I am the commander of the Inquisitions forces. We are in the middle of a war against a Magister of old threatening to rend the very fabric of our existence. I cannot just abandon my post, my men to up and move to Orlais to be the Father she deserves’ he added quietly ‘no matter how much I would wish it.’

His honesty was refreshing in this country ‘I would never ask you to desert your duty’ she said gravely. It was the truth then, and it was the truth now.

‘And that is why, if you will have us we’re planning on returning to Skyhold with you.’ 

Cullen’s head snapped up and looked at her with disbelief.

‘But only if you wish it.’

‘I - I do but it isn’t up to me.‘

‘It is. I have spoken with your ambassador she has offered me a position and I agreed providing you wouldn’t object’

‘I could never deny you and I want’ looked longingly at the closed door once more ‘I want to see her. Please?’

She composed herself and for the second time that day stood to check her reflection. She wiped away the tear tracks and willed her angry red cheeks to recede. 

‘Minnie, could you come here please?’

There was the sound of small footsteps rapidly approaching and then the door inched open and a pair of large eyes framed with light auburn hair peered in.

‘Are you still kissing?’ she asked cheekily.

‘Never mind that come here.’

Minnie skipped inside and eyed Cullen warily, standing by her mother and talking freely ‘Mommy Annie said we are moving house tomorrow’

‘We are little dove but first I would like you to meet someone.’

Nudging her shoulder Minnie gave a little pristine curtsey ‘Hello Ser’ she said formally.

‘This is man is Cullen Rutherford of Honnleath, he is the Commander of the Inquisitions forces and he is your Father.’ 

‘Oh.’ Minnie looked at Cullen with wide eyes

‘My Daddy really is a Knight?’

‘Yes dove, just like I told you.’

Cullen knelt down ‘Hello Minnie, It’s good to finally meet you’ 

Kat struggled to not sob at his words.

‘I’m sorry I have not been to see you before now but I-‘

‘Daddy!’ Minnie shrieked.

Cullen gaped with shock as the exuberant three year old barreled into his body wrapping her thin arms over what she could reach of his shoulders. His own arms came up gently to return the embrace and Kat saw his eyes shine with unshed tears.

Kat’s own tears flowed freely. She was overwhelmed with the emotion of the scene, and turned away to hide her happiness and heartbreak at the perfect introduction. She pressed her hand to her lips to muffle her cries while her daughter chatted away unawares of the aching chest of both her parents.

‘If you are a Knight will you teach my horseback riding and sword play?’

‘Yes, yes whatever you want’

‘And can I wear a cape when we go on parade?’

‘Ah well we would need to ask-’

‘And can you take me dragon slaying?’

Cullen looked up over Minnie’s shoulder with alarm and an unasked plea for help.

Kat didn't see how his eyes took in her shaking form as she silently cried and he struggled on valiantly, fielding a hundred questions and listening to a thousand opinions.

‘Minnie’ Kat quietly chastised when she had mastered herself ‘run along and start packing your things. You will have plenty of time to speak to him soon,’ 

‘Yes!’ She giggled and waved

‘Good-bye Daddy!’

‘Bye –‘ Cullen said dumbly as the whirlwind of energy left the room.

She waited patiently as he gathered his thoughts.

‘I never knew it was possible to have missed someone  _ so much _ without ever having met them before.’ That earned him an indulgent smile, whatever he thought of her it was clear he would be nothing but a devoted Father.

‘Minnie is a lovely name.’ he said

Kat smiled softly ‘Isn't it? I named her for the people who birthed her.’

Cullen frowned ‘Annie and –‘

‘Mia’ 

‘Mia knows?!’

Kat sighed ‘Mia delivered her and has the rights of guardian should anything happen to me. I didn't want to burden Annie, she has never wanted children.’

‘But, I should have guardianship. I’m her Father!’

‘And you will, but you didn’t know her till ten minutes ago-’

‘And whose fault is that!’ he snapped and instantly fell contrite ‘I, forgive me _ … I know full well I only have myself to blame.’ _

Kat shook her head, they were both as bad as each other. ‘Cullen the decision I made was not out of spite. I didn't do it because you pushed me away or out of cruelty I-‘ she moved over to her writing desk and beside her Grimoire pulled out a well worn looking journal. ‘Here –‘ she handed it to him with a smile. ‘I kept a journal for you, to help you get up to speed.’ 

Cullens eyes widened at the page that opened as he flicked through the pages. It was one of her many drawings, this one of Mia cradling a small swaddled bundle

‘As you can see there are sketches in there too. I didn't want you to miss what she looked like as a baby.’ Eagerly he flicked through more of the pages, grinning at the sketches of her chewing on a teething ring or toddling around the kitchen. Kat spoke quietly ‘I never wanted to hurt you, you must know tha-!‘

His arms pulled her into his chest, squeezing her so tightly his armor almost felt painful

‘Thank you.’ he breathed.

‘Y-you’re very welcome’

Hh pressed a gloved hand to her cheek and Kat felt herself flush anew ‘I will come by tomorrow and every day till you are ready to leave. The journey is largely safe now but I still don't trust anyone but me with her safety.

‘I, thank you.’

He gave her a hard stare, looking over her face with a tactition's appraisal and she didn’t know what it meant.

‘Cullen?’

Whatever spell had distracted him was broken and he took his leave cordially, bowing low over her hand ‘Till tomorrow My Lady’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be too angry with Kat. She has absolutely messed up but will make amends. They both will, lovable idiots.


	26. The Journal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It all comes together and poor Cullen is on quite an emotional journey.

_ Cullen POV _

_ Cullen, _

_ Do you remember when we were children? The summers were long, our feelings were simple. Even our Dreams were innocent. They are some of my favorite memories, it was such a happy time. A time before death and disappointment, before I first felt the sting of abandonment and sorrow...  _

_ ...Did you ever think of me at all? _

Cullen snapped the journal closed in anger. The rapidity of the action caused his candle to flicker on the small desk he was using. Most of the Inquisition had returned to Skyhold directly from the Winter Palace. Only he and Dorian had ventured to stop over in Val Royeaux. At first he had protested the need for Dorian to accompany him but since returning to the inn that night, pale and in shock, he had been exceedingly grateful to have his friend on hand to discuss the personal revelation. For, after thirty seconds of staring dumbly, Dorian drained his glass of wine and then affectionately congratulated him and began to ask questions about his child. His daughter.

_ Maker, _ he had a daughter.

And she was without a doubt the most perfect child that had ever been born. He couldn't comprehend how someone, whose existence he had only just been made aware of today, could already mean more to him than every other person alive or dead in Thedas. After telling Dorian all the minutiae about her hair,  _ ‘like Kat’s but with my curls’ _ and her eyes  _ ‘like looking in a mirror’ _ . His friend had taken the lead and distracted him with some idle chatter and chess till it was time to retire.

Once alone and washed he had settled at his desk to do as Kat had bid and read the journal she had kept for him for their parted years, he owed her that much. Yet he had read two sentences of the first page and already his blood was pounding in his ears in renewed anger. 

Did she just give it to him so her past self could vehemently admonish him? He didn’t want to be lectured by her words from back then. They were bitter, disappointed and each new expression of sadness, each small piece of information she revealed about her mindset in the aftermath of their break up only served to make him angrier at her and at himself.

Growling in frustration he shoved the journal aside.

It’s pages contained nothing but the past and he had to focus on the future. So he penned a short correspondence to the ambassador, notifying her of the Magicians acceptance of a position in their little court in the mountains. And, in a subscript, to not so subtly plea for a suitable room to be provided with  _ whatever a three year old and her mother might need. _

He also wrote a line to Mia. But when re-read the contents and noted the way he had angrily underscored the words _You knew_ he thought the better of it and burned it before the ink had dried. It wasn’t fair to blame his sister or his other siblings for his current distress. He hadn't been home since he was thirteen, they owed him nothing. Kat and Annie had remained, had kept in contact where he had not and rightfully so were considered sisters to the family. Mia hadn’t taken sides, she had done what she would have done for any of her family members if pressed for secrecy.

Falling onto his thin mattress he tossed and turned for what felt like an age. The breeze through the window was welcome but he longed for the cold mountain air to cool his feverish skin.  _ Tomorrow. _ Tomorrow he was to spend some time with Minnie and then, all being well, they would leave the day after. Cullen reminded himself to focus on his precious daughter and not her beautiful mother. Focus on the new happiness in his heart and not how wonderful it had felt to have Kat back in his arms.  _ She kissed me back _ and he didn't know whether that fact hurt him, a reminder of what he had lost, or gave him hope. 

It felt so good and so  _ righ _ t to have her pinned by his weight and surrendering to his hungry, urgent kisses. Her scent was just as sweet as he had remembered and he wondered if she tasted the- ‘ _ Maker's breath’ _ he swore and adjusted the front of his breeches. 

  
\-----  
  


The following morning he returned and was greeted once more by Kat who showed him into a small playroom where Minnie was furiously packing.

‘Daddy!’ She squealed, giving him a three second hug around his legs before returning to her little trunk that was being filled with toys. He smiled with renewed awe at his child and her energy as she set about her important task.

‘Don’t forget you aren’t to take all your toys, Aunt Annie wants the ones you don't play with anymore to be given to Orphanage.’

‘Yes’ she said in what he assumed was her serious tone. Then picked aloft a brightly colored carved thing and held it out for his inspection. ‘Daddy look, this one is a duck. Quack quack!’

‘It is indeed, and a fine duck at that’ he replied indulgently.

‘Well, I’ll leave you two alone’ Kat said as she began to back out of the room.

‘Do you not want to be present?’ Cullen asked.

‘Thank you but no. I’ll be within shouting distance if you have any problems with her but she is usually a good child. If a little spoiled’ Kat replied, then added quietly ‘I- I don't want us to quarrel in front of her. And I think I-’ whatever she had planned to say was kept to herself, she simply gave him a small sad smile and left the room.

Another time he would have called her back. In Kirkwall they would never have let a disagreement stand without having a loud fight and even louder make up sex. But Cullen was still too confused with their new dynamic to act.

_ Maybe I should read more of the journal? _ Perhaps it would explain why her whole demeanor had changed.

  
  


\----

  
  


_ ...I had been a stranger in my own body, at least till I met you again in Kirkwall. Somehow it was comforting to see that you had changed too and that you carried your own pain. I confess that after that first meeting I vowed to never see you again. But that wasn’t to be.  _

_ We were both scarred and bitter from the Blight and I couldn’t have predicted that we would heal each other. You were certainly persistent at the start! Persistent, like a dog with a bone as our parents used to say.  _

_ You unearthed my long dormant emotions, made me remember that it was ok to have dreams and to want more from life than merely survival. That it was right to pursue joy and fulfillment and that there was space in my heart for passion. I just never expected or intended to find those things with you.  _

_ It was almost magical the way you made me feel. You made me happy despite how very different our lives had turned out from that childish ideal. Even if at times we fought you never gave up on me. You always came back no matter how many times I pushed you away. I admired your resilience, among other things. And you became so much more to me than a renewed acquaintance, more even than a friend. For the longest time I didn’t want to put a name to that feeling. I still don’t want to name it despite what I may have confessed back then.  _

‘Love’ he spoke into the quiet of the night. Pausing to press his hands to the bridge of his nose. Cullen knew exactly how she felt. He had felt the same in Kirkwall, had loved her long before they were ‘together’ and now… He wasn’t sure. He thought he knew. When they met at the Winter Palace he had been consumed with a desire to rekindle their relationship, to prove to her that he had changed and that they could finally be together. 

He pushed those thoughts aside lest he got another inconvenient erection again. His feelings weren’t to be understood in the course of an evening reflection and so he returned to the pages before him. 

_ It was all a deception, an illusion, just like my Magic. It’s easier to think that you see… Easier to believe you lied than what was between us was real. That you actually <strike>loved</strike> cared for me and would have left behind that life. Fool that I was, I know now that the Templars have and will always be your only true love.  _

_ And that’s why I tried to fight it, to justify why it could never be allowed to happen between us. That I was setting myself up for inevitable disappointment and future pain. You were my best friend and confidant, my link to the past and safe harbor in the present. Our friendship, your time and care was too important to risk on the chance you felt something more…But you did. And it was glorious. _

_ I never would have imagined you could feel so strongly about anything outside of the Order. Your intensity and passion was staggering and being the center of your world for these past years was a gift I will always treasure. And for what it is worth I will never regret that we came together. Though what followed and your own indifference certainly brings me pain those few years were the most complete and content I had ever felt.  _

Cullen still hadn’t finished the first entry. But he could read no more. The letters were blurring as tears formed in his eyes. ‘Maker’ he prayed ‘what a fool I have been’. He swallowed down the lump of emotion that had lodged in his throat and slid into bed for another restless sleep.

  
  


\-----

‘HORSEY!’ Minnie giggled, watching as Cullen’s fine black charger paced restlessly. The pack horses behind were better behaved as they waited for the cart to be loaded. There wasn’t a lot, no more than a couple of trunks each to start their new life. Far less than the nobles who visited Skyhold for the weekend and that made him a little sad. Whether it had been his decision or not he  _ had  _ been an absent father, starting today that would change. His daughter would want for nothing.

‘Minnie, it’s time to get on now’ Kat called down from her position on the cart. S _ o much for wanting for nothing _ he thought, irate that with the war effort he hadn't been able to locate a single carriage that would carry his precious charge up the mountains. 

The small girl looked between her mother and the cart, then up to Cullen and his horse, then back again. 

‘Horsey?’ Minnie questioned fixing him with her big brown eyes.

‘Yes Commander,  _ Horsey _ ’ Dorian quipped from his own steed that stood shoulder to shoulder with Cullen's. Panicking he looked over to an exasperated Kat who gave her nod of approval, a tiny furrow of worry on her brow when she realized just how high from the ground Minnie would be riding.

Cullen noticed, he noticed everything about her.

After lifting Minnie up onto the saddle and then mounting himself he turned back to the cart ‘I have got her’ he reassured, startling Kat from her worry.  _ Thank you _ she mouthed and settled back into her seat.

Minnie was almost vibrating with excitement. He helped her hold the reins and then said ‘Now Minnie, to make the horse go we need to say giddy up. Can you say that?’

‘GIDDY UP!’ she shouted, earning a chuckle from himself and all the other members of their small retinue.

\-----

_ Many lost their lives in Kirkwall and so I know I should count myself lucky…but I can not. Not when the only thing I have ever wanted was ripped from me. I have to live with the consequences of your decision. You broke your promise and you broke me. All for your guilt riddled, Maker-forsaken duty. A poison chalice if there ever was one and if I sound angry it’s because I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you or if I would even want to. But fate has intervened and for better or worse I am bound to you now. _

Cullen’s fist clenched as he read over the furious words.  _ Angry _ , she thought she had sounded angry? That was putting it mildly, her words were positively spiteful. And only served to make his feelings of betrayal bubble up once more.

_I don’t know when I will feel healed enough to open my heart to you again or if I ever will. And there is more to consider now than my own emotions._ _Even if I could stand it I will not permit them to suffer the same callous treatment I have been subjected to. Discard me for your duty by all means. But you will __never__ hurt our child. _

_ I forbid it. _

_ Perhaps I am being cruel in keeping her from you? Mia and Annie think so, they think I should write to you. To convince you to come back to Fereldan. I’ve told them it’s hopeless, that I know you better. There is no room in your heart for anything but the Templars, for anything but your self-imposed atonement. _

So his sister and hers had tried to make her see reason. That was something. And it was cruel, this journal and the pages of sketches and stories he had yet to read couldn't make up for the fact that he had missed those milestones which would never be repeated. Minnie’s birth, her name day celebrations, her first steps and words. He couldn't believe that Kat, who he thought he knew better than anyone, had been capable of it.

_ But one day you will meet our child. Either when I see that you can care for more than your doctrine, or when they come of age and begin to ask more about their Father. And when that day comes I shall give you this journal. It will document my pregnancy and the first years of our child’s life. I shall keep it diligently till the day I am able to hand it over to you. _

_ If you are reading this then that time has come and I shall simply beg of you... Don’t waste this chance to claim something more for yourself. _

_ Yours _

_ Katherine. _

Cullen closed the journal and seethed.

He was livid. Four years. Almost since the moment she had left Kirkwall he had been trying to contact her. She had had every opportunity to tell him about their daughter and had callously rejected every outstretched olive branch.

A rational and calm Internal voice reminded him that he had failed to reply to her own letters for over eight years when they had first been parted, but he was too angry to heed it. He wanted to shout at her, to accuse her of robbing those precious years. He would have found a way to visit surely? He would have found somewhere safe for them in Kirkwall.  _ Safe in Kirkwall, have you forgotten why you sent her away? _ That inner niggling voice chimed again and once more he pushed it aside.

Cullen was fractured. Simultaneously the happiest and angriest he had ever been and all of it. Good and bad was because of her.

‘Commander’ a scout called from the outside of the tent ‘We’re ready to move out.’

They had stopped by one of the Inquisition checkpoints to take a break and water the horses. Exiting he gave the command to have everyone mount up and saw that Minnie was currently tucked up in the carriage, her mother showing her how to string daisies together.

Kat looked up as if she sensed her eyes on him. The smile she was wearing vanished and her cheeks pinked in shame at his no doubt incredulous glare. She dropped her eyes back to her daughter and forced a cheerful smile when Minnie pressed a daisy into her hand, he didn't miss how her eyes shimmered with unspoken emotion.

Cullen and Dorian brought up the rear.

‘You’re brooding’

‘I am not’

‘Well that’s true, brooding is usually attractive but your scowl is anything but. Has your beloveds back offended you so-’

‘SHE’S NOT-’ he saw Kat’s back stiffen slightly and clamped his lips shut.

He could almost hear Dorian roll his eyes beside him. 

‘Well whatever she is to you, whatever her reasoning she  _ has _ decided you now get the chance to be with your daughter. As a somewhat prodigal son I’d advise you don’t fuck it up.’

‘How?’ Cullen asked quietly, their horses trailing behind the small convoy.

‘Well stop being so cross with her mother for one’

‘I am not-’

‘Don’t lie dear, it’s unworthy of you.’

Cullen dropped his reins and scrubbed his hands over his face.

Dorian continued, heedless of his discomfort. ‘Whatever has or has not happened between you I can tell you now that that is the look of a doting Parent. I should know, I was searching for it for years.’

Cullen looked up to see Kat in quiet conversation with Minnie. Just as his daughter's lip began to tremble she produced a completed daisy chain and gave it to the girl.

‘Your daughter is happy, healthy and especially in these trying times  _ safe. _ ’ That was true. Back then he had always known Kat would have made a wonderful mother, it was an honor to see her care in action now.

‘You may not forgive her neglect of you but she has certainly not been neglecting your child.’

He was right. And Cullen was overwhelmed with a new feeling on top of all the others. Gratitude.

They drew their horses closer to the back of the cart and he overheard a new conversation.

‘Mummy, I’m cold.’

Without missing a beat Kat stood on the shaking cart, shrugged out of her own cloak and draped it over Minnie's shoulders tucking it in and wrapping her body around her child also.

She was always worried about people catching colds.

Cullen felt his own fur tickling his cheek, he had some of the pelt remaining and he would commission the tailor in Skyhold to make Minnie a matching cloak to his as soon as they made it back. Kat gave an involuntary shiver as the wind now chilled her thinly clothed back.

She likes his fur, he has some of it left and so will at some point get her a matching cloak made up.

His little family wouldn't yet be used to the cooler climate, but he was.

He unbelted and slipped off his own cloak with the furred mantle and drawing his horse level to Kat placed it over her shoulders. She blinked with surprise.

‘Thank you’ she breathed. The pink on her cheeks this time was probably just from the cold, but maybe not exclusively.

That night as he settled down on the inn’s mattress he thought again on Kat’s message.

_ Don’t waste this chance to claim something more for yourself.  _

His hand tucked behind his head he thought long and hard. He wouldn't waste it. He would make it right between them and Maker willing he would win her back. He loved her too much not to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank you all so much for your lovely comments on the last chapter. Whether you were Team Kat, Team Cullen or accepted that they both had made mistakes to have such a passionate response from my readers was just wonderful.  
Thank you :)


	27. The Fortress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be angsty... please enjoy 3.5k words of pure fluff.

_ Katherine POV. _

The night spent at the small roadside inn was comfortable enough. Kat was grateful for their private room, the welcoming fire and hot food that was provided. Minnie was half asleep when they arrived but she managed to get her to eat a little soup before tucking her back up in bed and for extra warmth covering her in the furred cloak Cullen had given her earlier in the day. 

It was an unexpected kindness she had not expected from a man, who she assumed, now hated her for her deception. They were estranged yet for the sake of their daughter would need to find a way forward. His cross words and cold demeanor ensured that there could be no reconciliation for them, so the thick mantle placed over her shoulders had seemed oddly concerned and considered and not at all unwelcome. Whatever his reasoning it hadn’t stopped her nuzzling into the russet fur, heat warming her cheeks, as she breathed deeply of the masculine scent that lingered when she thought no one was looking. 

  
  


An Inquisition runner woke them before dawn informing them that the Commander was eager to get on the road to make it to Skyhold before nightfall. Kat agreed wholeheartedly with that and bundled Minnie up as warmly as she could before facing another long cold day in the cart.

Stepping outside and into the bracing morning chill, with the first rays of sunlight peeking over the horizon she was happy to see that during the night a sort of makeshift cover had been set up around the cart. One that would hopefully keep the hardest gusts of wind from chilling their bones.

Cullen came to stand next to her and she had to fight the urge to lean closer towards his appealing warmth. 

‘I am sorry I couldn't find a proper carriage for the journey’ he spoke quietly next to her, gesturing to their ‘rustic’ transportation.

‘It’s fine, we are not ladies after all’ she shrugged and then pulled the bundled cape out from under her arm, passing it back to him with a grateful smile ‘I believe this is yours?’. 

He looked surprised but gently pushed her hand back towards her ‘Keep it till we get back, please, I would not want-’ he started to fidget with his gloves, the sword hilt at his side not engaging enough to still his hands. Kat knew he wanted to ask a question as he fixed her with a furrowed brow ‘Tell me. Minnie's constitution, is she prone to chills?’ Worry shone in Cullen’s eyes and at once Kat understood. He was asking if their daughter had her mother's sickness and fragile body;

‘No’ she reassured and saw how his whole demeanor relaxed. ‘So far she has had nothing more than the usual childhood illnesses, little colds and the like.’

‘Good, that is-’ A bundle of auburn curls tackled his legs, cutting off his words. 

‘Daddy, please can I ride with you?’ Although her daughter was well versed with her  _ ‘Pleases’ _ and  _ ‘Thank Yous’ _ it would be a while before she mastered more subtle manners

Kat shot him an apologetic glance and answered for him ‘Minnie you can’t, not today. It’s too cold this far up the mountain.’

Minnie was unmoved and clung tighter to Cullen’s thighs.

‘And look, the cart has a cozy roof now to keep us both warm.’

The child peered upwards, she seemed tempted but then pouted her lip and shook her curls.

‘No, I haven't seen Daddy in a very very long time. I’m staying with him.’ Her daughter replied with all the resolute determination of a three year old.

‘Little dove, we are moving house so you can spend a lot more time with him. But he has to ride his horse and we need to sit in the cart.’ 

Kat leaned forward to try and pry Minnie away from Cullen’s legs causing her to shout and break into a flood of tears ‘NO! DON’T TAKE DADDY AWAY AGAIN!’

  
  


An awkward silence filled the pause that followed. The Inquisition men and denizens of the Inn all looking over at the little girl and her mother, and Kat felt her cheeks burn with shame. Her daughter was young, overtired and she didn't blame her at all for having a little tantrum during such an upheaval. But her words, innocent though they were  _ stung _ . Kat didn’t ‘take’ Cullen away, but she did keep him from her. And although at the time she had been certain it was the best course of action Cullen’s simmering resentment and her own guilt was eating away at her confidence. When her daughter came of age would she think she had made a mistake too? Would she resent her?

Kat was still too stunned to help calm her crying child. ‘Minnie’ Cullen said firmly, dropping to one knee to look closely at the tear brimmed eyes identical to his own.

‘Your Mother did the right thing.’ Kat almost stopped breathing at his assertion.

‘I missed you’ the girl said sulkily, wiping away her tears on the back of her sleeve.

‘I missed you too.’ Cullen said kindly ‘But Minnie, I would not have been there for you, I would have missed every Satalina and your birthdays.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, and that would have made you sad.’

‘Yes’ she agreed.

‘So you need to remember that your Mother always knows what’s best and you should listen to her.’ Kat nearly sobbed.

‘Do you listen to her?’ Minnie asked inquisitively.

Cullen gave an indulgent chuckle and whispered into her ear ‘Not as well as I should.’

Minnie, now pacified, untangled herself from her Father and came to cuddle at Kat’s own legs. ‘Sorry Mummy, can I get in the horsey wagon now?’

‘Y-yes. let me just’ before Kat could stoop down to help Cullen interjected ‘I’ve got her’

‘Now, are you ready to be a birdy?’ he asked his daughter.

‘Yes birdy birdy!’ Cullen wasted no time. He picked her up from by her armpits and _whooshed_ her up into the air. Minnie giggled and shrieked and shouted ‘I’m a birdy!’ As Cullen spun her round with ease. Kat covered her lips to stifle her own laugh at the heartwarming sight, warmed further still as Cullen set her on the cart and tucked a blanket over their child's legs.

Kat was flooded with emotions as her one time lover turned back, looking himself rather embarrassed at the sudden display of fatherly devotion before the assembled retinue. She cleared her throat awkwardly ‘Thank you for saying that, about my decision to keep away.’

‘It is the truth, although it shames me to admit it’

She might never be convinced her decision had been correct, but she could be happy knowing he didn't resent her completely. 

‘You read the journal?’ She guessed.

‘Just the first entry.’ He sighed and studied his feet while the rest of the Inquisition got themselves mounted ‘It was difficult but I do understand your reasoning a little better...’

With a groan he pinched the bridge of his nose. She noticed then how tired he looked, it seemed neither of them had borne their separation without trial ‘How did I make such a mess of it all?’ He murmured, just loud enough for her to hear.

She felt compelled to answer even if his question had been rhetorical. ‘It was hardly your fault Cullen, we have been victims of unhappy circumstances.’

He turned, studying her face minutely. His eyes may be tired and lined with new worries which she had no share in, but they still seemed to smolder when she looked at them. And for a moment they were no longer in the middle of the Frostbacks, but sat on her stone step in Kirkwall. Younger, curious and leaning ever closer by infinitesimal margins. Kat felt herself flush under his scrutiny.

She saw his throat swallow ‘Do you think that -’

‘Yes?’ she replied too quickly, hope crushing her caution.

He seemed to remember himself and the hurt that still sat between them. Like an island in a stream it divided them and only the Maker knew whether or not it’s proper course would ever be re-established. 

‘Well, ah, we can at least try and be friends?’ He said in a conciliatory tone. 

Kat sagged. It would be enough ‘Yes. If not for old times, then for Minnies sake at least.’

‘I’d like that’

‘Me too’ she replied dumbly, masking her disappointment.

His scarred lip pulled up in an all too familiar smirk ‘You said that.’

Kat blushed again.

\---

Minnie had been giddy for the last two hours, bouncing in her seat, pointing up each time there was a little more of the looming castle visible and waving to the scouts at each outpost. Nearing their destination they had passed fields and fields of camped soldiers. Some were running drills, others at rest but all stopped to salute Cullen, the Commander, as he rode past. 

It was little wonder the nobles at Halamshiral had been fawning over him, he commanded one of the largest armies in Thedas. It was a staggering increase from the few hundred Templars he had been responsible for in Kirkwall. Kat couldn't imagine such a burden. Her whole life she had been responsible for the well being of only one other person at a time. Now his obvious signs of fatigue and the permanent furrows on his brow made more sense. 

While she didn’t regret her decision to relocate she did question just how much time Cullen would have for their child when he had to manage such responsibilities. Unbidden the memory of him calling her a distraction in Kirkwall rushed to the fore. _ Was that his opinion now too? _ Was he just agreeing to their living in skyhold out of obligation but secretly regretting the drain on his time?

She shook her head, these were thoughts for another day as she subconsciously tightened her arms around Minnie while they crossed an exposed bridge into the castle proper.

Their arrival was at sunset and the golden sun filtered through the surrounding forest, casting all in a pink and orange glow. Minnie's curls reflected all, her hair lighting up to look almost the same color as her Fathers and Kat was struck with just how similar the two were.

The likeness was instantly recognizable in all who passed them and saw him help her down. She knew within a matter of days the fact the dashing Commander had a love child would be known throughout the salons, gossip this enticing would be impossible to keep secret for long.

Sighing Kat gathered her small travel pack in her arms and stepped from the carriage, her feet getting caught up in the strapping and discarded blankets from the journey. She had barely gasped before her uneven balance sent her toppling from the platform headfirst.

Her painful and humiliating fall never came as instead she was cushioned by a pair of strong arms, her cheek brushing against soft leather and hard steel plate.

‘Wha-’

‘Are you okay?’ Cullen asked as he studied her closely, a look of concern etched on his brow. It was evident that he had turned back to the carriage in order to help her down and mercifully been close enough to catch her before she could fall. What wasn’t so clear was why he still had tight hold of her body, his embrace gentle and grounding around her. 

_ Maker _ he was close. Almost as close as they had been a few days ago when he had kissed her senseless in the parlor. He had held her tightly then too, his hands on the small of her back just like they were now, her arms wrapped around his neck for support just like they were then. And even though he had spent the day in the saddle he still smelled  _ so _ good, with his closeness their predicament became so  _ very _ tempting. She licked her lips and heard Minnie proclaim loudly ‘Mummy and Daddy like kissing.’

Kat straightened at once, blushing furiously ‘YES, yes all fine. Just a little clumsy from sitting all day it seems thank you Commander’ Cullen didn't say a word but his hand at the back of his neck and own red stained cheeks meant their guilt was mirrored and readily apparent to Ambassador Montileyt who now approached.

If she had seen,  _ of course she has seen the whole of the courtyard has  _ Kat groaned inwardly, then she gave no indication. And instead greeted them with a bright smile and neat curtsy.

‘Lady Joie. It is a pleasure to see you again.’

‘Oh please, call me Katherine. I am only Joie when performing’ her voice was still shaking a little from her sudden rush of emotions but she congratulated herself on appearing at least a little unaffected. 

‘Very well, and you must be the lovely Minnie your Father has told me all about you’  _ He had? _ She looked over at Cullen who looked a little sheepish but said quietly ‘To help get things ready. I want you and Minnie to be comfortable here and I wasn’t sure what a young family like ours, I mean yours! Yours, alone… would need’ he finished feebly with a muttered  _ Makers breath _ and studied the floor.

He wondered if his troops saw this side of him. 

‘Very pleased to meet you Lady Montee-lay’ Minnie gave a pretty curtsy which she had been practicing, and Kat felt proud that at least their daughter had not been an embarrassment as her parents had. 

\---

Despite the early hour the Skyhold courtyard was a hive of activity. The traders, of which there seemed to be enough for a small town, were setting up their stalls for the day. Groups of men were forming up into platoons to no doubt head out on assignments. Ravens cawed and flew in and out of a large tower overhead and the repetitive  _ tink tink tink _ spoke of a nearby although hidden from view forge. There was bustling around the stables as the horses were tended to and other workers, kitchen staff and laborers all rushed about. It was a little daunting and Kat felt as she did when she first arrived in Kirkwall all those years ago. A little overwhelmed and out of place but she would adapt, she always did and all being well they would be happy here for the one, two or however many years it took for Corypheus to be defeated and the world set to rights.

As much of an upheaval as it was Kat knew there was probably nowhere safer in Thedas than behind these walls. And she didn't know how she would ever be able to thank the Ambassador enough for her new role and the kindness she had already been shown. 

_ ‘Maybe with you here he will start to come out of that tower a little more’ _ Josephine had said alluding with a twinkle in her eye to their apparent intimacy by the carriage and Minnie's too loud declaration. Kat still flushed at the memory. She had been too unguarded with her emotions and now needed to try and regain some semblance of normality between them for their daughters sake.

They were to be friends. Only friends. And any little feelings or flutterings which led her to believe otherwise needed to be rooted out.

With that in mind, after leaving her daughter in the care of the Chantry sisters, she made her way over to Cullen’s office. Pausing to give Varric a hug when she came across him in the main hall talking with a strange looking boy.  _ Trust the author to surround himself with the most unusual people  _ she thought at the strange outburst that followed.

‘A promise’ he said quietly.

‘excuse me?’ she said

‘A promise made on grass. You think it’s forgotten, burned in the fires... twice but it’s not.’

Kat frowned and was about to reply when Varric shooed her on. ‘Cole, we talked about this. Sorry Kitty, catch up with you later!’

  
  


When she arrived his door was ajar so herself in. She could hear his voice just through the other open doorway that led to the battlements, giving instructions to a scout so she decided to wait.

His office was entirely utilitarian, a packed bookshelf the only thing close to decorative in the spartan room. The journal, her journal, was open on his desk and she couldn't stop the faint smile that rose at the sight of it. She knew the page well. It was where she had scribbled through a whole range of names and began to list out her early symptoms.

_ Girl _

_ IIlya. I like the sound of this but Mia thinks it’s too unusual and the child may be bullied. _

_ Justinia. Apparently it's common to name your child after the current Divine so here it is. _

_ Marie. Too Orlesian but I do like names beginning with M _

_ I like Annie but my darling sister has insisted I give her a unique name and not name her ‘after her moody spinster Aunt’ her words not mine. She still writes to Fred and thinks I don't know, as if she can hide things from me! _

_ Boy _

_ Calenhad. No, too presumptuous. _

_ Dirk. Perhaps giving him the name of a weapon would be setting him up for a life of War... _

_ Stanton? As much as the idea makes me laugh I think you would never forgive me. _

_ I shall think more on it later, right now my stomach is rolling as if I were still on the sea crossing. The sickness is just as awful as I had feared. Annie assures me it will only last for another couple of weeks but for now I can eat little more than bread and butter, any food with even a hint of herbs sends me running to the privy.  _

_ We have found a local midwife, Martha, who has been invaluable and helped Mia develop a few recipes that are palatable to me. And a good thing too as your whole family keeps badgering me to eat more. At this rate I shall birth a giant like your Brother. Did you know he was taller than you? Not as broad shouldered though, you have your Templar training to thank for that. _

The sudden clearing of his throat made Kat jump away from the desk. And Cullen looked sheepish at having startled her, saying softly ‘Can I help you with something?’

Folding her hands in front of her and trying to appear calm despite her racing heart she began ‘Yes.I thought we could discuss Minnie? If you have a moment’

‘Is she well?’ he asked at once, alarmed.

His worry for their daughter was already so very endearing. ‘Yes, yes of course. I meant more‘ she gestured between the two of them and his brows rose.  _ Wait does he think i’m propositioning him? Andraste preserve me be clear! _ ‘Ah I-I mean now that we’re here you can start spending time with her, have a say in her education, even help with her care if you should so choose.’

At her clarification Cullen looked down at his packed desk with a scowl ‘My days are busy with the Inquisition.’ 

_ Of course _ she thinks glumly. It was just as she feared on the journey here. But before she could regret the decision he quickly added ‘But my evenings can be freed up!’ He said hopefully ‘If that will suit Minnie?’

Kat smiled, relieved at his eagerness. ‘Great. How about as a start she spends three evenings a week with you and sleeps over on two of them?’

‘Yes that would be agreeable’ he smiled, then she smiled. Then they both felt a little awkward and looked away from each other.

‘Okay, I’ll have some things sent to your room for when she is staying over.’

Cullen blanched and failed to control how his eyes accosted the ladder off to one side of his room.

_ Josephine had been literal then.  _ Kat simply pointed skywards, a brow arched with an unasked question.

‘Yes’ Cullen hung his head in shame and she climbed up without another word.

She stopped once she could peer into the loft. Looked around, felt aghast and climbed back down in silence while she processed her thoughts.

‘Well’ she said trying to sound cheerful ‘If I didn’t believe you before about not entertaining other women I shouldn’t have any reason to doubt you now.’

At her attempt to lighten the mood Cullen did raise his eyes, looking far too embarrassed.

‘Yes. It has suited my purposes. But perhaps is not the most secure bedroom for a child’

Kat laughed ‘Indeed. I’m not sure whether the gaping hole in the floor or ceiling is more dangerous although I’m sure she would love the ladder.’

Cullen relaxed while Kat continued ‘I think for now you can just come to our rooms. I can make myself scarce while you are with her-’

‘No- Katherine.’ He sighed and began to pace.

‘I, I know what I’ve said, and done and I’m reading your journal now and it’s just making me realize what I’ve missed.’  _ What was he saying? _ Kat thought while Cullen continued to speak, agitated. ‘I’ve been thinking of little else and I need to know if there is any hop-’

‘Commander, oh hello!’ Kat recognized the Inquisitor from the ball and gave an immediate bow.

‘You must be the new Magician I’ve been hearing so much about.’ She said cautiously, looking between the pair of them and their proximity.

‘Yes your worship it is an honor to be invited to Skyhold.’

‘Yes ah well. I hope you will feel very welcome here. Commander I was hoping we could speak...alone’

‘Yes Inquisitor’ Cullen gave Kat an apologetic glance and gestured for the Inquisitor to lead on.

Just before he made it outside he looked back over his shoulder. Kat gasped at his smoldering gaze of longing and hope… a look that was only for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for missing the update last week. This whole final arc was supposed to be a lot more angry, maybe there would be angry sex, maybe not. But as I'm working on it It just isn't writing that way. Is anyone really sad if we descend into fluffy gooey loveliness?  
If you are i'm very sorry... and there may still be angry sex... just not as angry.


	28. The Song

_ Cullen POV _

‘I have to say I was surprised to find you had an ex-lover and a child no less.’  _ This was going to be an awkward conversation, _ Cullen thought grimly as the Inquisitor led him out of his office to meander along the battlements. ‘When we talked before you said you had no one special’ she tried to sound nonchalant but he could detect some bitterness there. 

Cullen rubbed at his brow, the pinch of a headache just starting to bloom. He should have been more firm in his refusal of her attentions. Although he could say with confidence that he hadn't given her any encouragement that wasn’t the same as directly telling her that nothing could ever have happened between them, now it was time to rectify that.

‘I said that there was no one in Kirkwall’ he clarified ‘We have been estranged these few years but I'm grateful now that we are able to reconnect.’

_ There _ , he had said as much as he could considering his own lack of certainty about his and Kat’s future relationship. They had agreed to be friends but Cullen couldn't help but hope for more, not after she had kissed him back in Val Royeaux, not when her cheeks were so often painted with a mirrored blush to match his own.

Trevelyan hummed ‘I didn’t think you would be able to care for a Mage’ she replied stiffly.

‘She is not a Mage’

‘Yes, yes, Magician.’ She flicked her hand with a little irritation at having to make the distinction. ‘But then you are close with the Altus too-’

Her mistrust of Dorian was irksome. His friend had been nothing but an asset to their cause, but her family's prejudice seemingly ran deep. Although Cullen was certain she always acted justly and was predominantly kind in her decisions there was a certain bias there which she couldn't seem to shake. He noticed it with the Mages and less subtly with the Elven members of their party. Perhaps it’s because she was Noble, a Templar or both? Regardless she was still an excellent leader and had been their savior at Haven, she deserved his respect.

While Trevelyan fell into a thoughtful reflection Cullen found himself doing likewise. What more could he say? His heart, wholly and irrevocably belonged to another. 

‘Inquisitor. I apologize if my behavior has at all led you to believe that there could be an attachment between us.’ 

Somewhat surprisingly she shrugged her shoulders ‘Think nothing of it.’ Cullen let out a silent sigh of relief. He had suspected that the Inquisitor's attraction to him was trifling, she had flirted with everyone, including Cassandra at one point. As they peered down into the courtyard he saw her gaze follow Warden Blackwall to his stables and he was relieved that her attentions already seemed drawn elsewhere.

‘Well then, I should return to my duties’ he said with a small bow and began to retreat to his office, hoping Kat would be waiting.

‘Commander’ the Inquisitor called and he turned back. ‘Just see that this family of yours doesn't interfere with your duty. The Inquisition  _ must _ come first.’ Her words, delivered with clipped professionalism, made him think that perhaps she hadn’t brushed off his rejection quite so coolly after all.

* * *

The reports from Saharina made for grim reading.

_ Red Lyrium, corrupt templars, mutilated innocents _ . Over the space of a month Cullen found that his nightmares had not only increased in frequency, but had become darker and more horrifying. He would wake up drenched in sweat, with a scream on his lips and always with a heart thundering from a rampant sense of fear. Less for himself... now the rising dread he felt as he climbed the tower at Kinloch or crossed the gallows courtyard was echoed with the cheering tinkling of Minnie's giggles or Kat’s quiet singing. Always he would be chasing the happy sounds, only for them to break into shouts of terror and cries for help the closer he neared. And always he would wake up just before he would reach them.

The times he found himself in Desire’s cage were almost a relief to the harrowing screams of his love and daughter as they were persecuted by Meredith or bled dry by Uldred.

And so he stopped sleeping. 

Making him irritable and short-tempered. He was unusually hard on recruits and even sparring with Rylen or Barris did little to improve his mood.

The nights he stayed with Minnie were the most soothing for his soul. He set himself at a vigil near her room and remained there on guard, happy to hear her quiet breaths peaceful and serene. 

Through it all the thirst for the soft soothing blue Lyrium, a perpetual call from the draw in his office desk became harder and harder to resist.  _ Take Lyrium _ . It was maddening knowing it was right there and he found himself questioning his decision to leave the order. Would it be so bad if he restarted?  _ Take Lyrium _ . The Templars were allies to the Inquisition now, he could help rebuild them into a force worthy of their holy calling.  _ Take Lyrium _ . He would have to take his vows once more but finally the itching, aching clawing at his skin would cease.  _ Take Lyrium _

  
  


‘Evidence suggests that Calpernia is hiding away in a shrine in the north of Orlais.’ Finally they had a lead and he could get his men deployed to end this.

A loud peal of laughter filtered into his office from the Courtyard below. It caused him a momentary distraction with its similarity to how his nightmares so often started.  _ Minnie, _ he thought  _ she must be playing outside _ . 

‘Ah, that is to say we should start to pull men back from the Western Approach now that the-’

‘Higher HIGHER!’ Minnie shouted followed again by a fit of giggles. His men all smiled, it was hard not to enjoy such a carefree sound. But for Cullen the laughter set his heart racing.  _ Was she okay? _ Had he fallen asleep at his desk again and this was just another new horror?  _ Take Lyrium _ . Would he leave his office only to find her impaled from a wooden spike or strung up from Skyholds stone walls? Making some excuse he could scarce even recall he exited quickly, down the stone steps from his office and into the courtyard.  _ Take Lyrium _ .

Still she giggled as she ran around with a pink plush nug toy. Bull and Krem taking it in turns to make her scream in delight as they picked her up and ‘roarred’ at her with playful fierceness.

Cullen approached the happy scene, pinching his brow from the sudden fierce headache which was onset by his venturing out into the bright light of the midday sun.  _ Take Lyrium _ . ‘Minnie. Could you play a little quieter?’

His daughter continued skipping around. ‘But Uncle Bull was teaching me and nuglet how to fight a dragon.’

As if to illustrate Bull now gave a loud roar which echoed against the stone walls.  _ Take Lyrium. _

‘Do you not want to go and play with your dolly?’ he asked through near gritted teeth.

‘No’ she replied confused and looked back at her Qunari babysitter. ‘You need to breathe more fire, mummy says Dragons breathe fire!’

Another scream which splintered into joyful laughter filled the courtyard.  _ Take Lyrium _ . 

‘MINNIE!’Cullen barked causing her to stop in her tracks and look up in alarm ‘this is not appropriate behavior for a young Lady’ he hissed, and instantly was filled with shame when his daughter clung to Bull’s leg. Almost as if she were trying to hide from him.  _ Take Lyrium _ . Maker’s Breath what was wrong with him!

Softening his voice and offering out a hand in the hopes she would take it he asked softly ‘Where is your mother?’

‘ _ Right here _ .’

Cullen turned and gulped. Kat was stood with her arms folded glaring poison daggers into his soul. She didn't stride forward to confront him, instead she withdrew a deck of cards from a pack on her hip and started to shuffle them between her fingers. 

‘Commander’ he almost flinched at the use of his title. ‘If our daughter wants to wrestle with that 7 foot Qunari then she bloody well can.’

‘But-’ she shot him a look, tilting her head just so as if to say  _ you had better choose your next words very carefully _ .

‘A-ah of course, only it was quite loud and I thought perhaps that because of my position it doesn’t reflect well on the Inquisition if-’

With a flick of her wrist a card whizzed past his ear. He felt the sharp breeze as it sliced through the air before lodging itself in a fence post behind him.

‘She is _ three _ !’ Kat seethed, flinging another card. This once clipped his mantle and he saw a small segment of russet fur slip to the ground. 

‘Don't you  _ ever _ try to make her into something she isn't.’ 

‘I would not-’ he tried to protest but it was ignored as Kat now strode towards him, pressing a finger firmly into his chest plate.

‘We are Fereldan.  _ You _ are Fereldan, have some pride!’ She rounded and gave the enormous Qunari a glare which would have broken a lesser man ‘Bull?’ 

‘Yes Ma'am’ he said with a smirk in Cullen’s direction.

‘If Minnie has so much as a hair out of place I will castrate you with a playing card. Understand?’

‘Loud and clear boss’ and he patted the young girl still clinging to his leg to demonstrate his care.

Kat shot him one more scathing look and Cullen felt himself blanche under her imperious gaze.

As he turned tail and strode back up the stone steps to his tower he overheard Minnie ask ‘Uncle Bull, what's castrate mean?’ 

The Ben-Hassareth bellowed ‘Castration is what your mum has just done to your dad.’ 

_ Take Lyrium. _ He couldn’t do this. He had just snapped at his own child for playing! Abandoning his retreat to the tower he instead redirected to the armory. The time had come for Casandra to be good true to her word.

  
  


* * *

_ It was inevitable really _ . Cullen thought as he awaited Kat’s arrival, studying the little glass vial in his hands.

The Inquisitor was already concerned about his focus since his family had joined him. His battle against this addiction had been a valiant one, but his timing was poor.

_ ‘The Inquisition deserves you at your best’ _ Trevelyan had said kindly. She didn't gloat about her initial judgement being correct, or mock him when he told her about his suffering but her decision was clear and final.

‘Cullen, you asked to see me?’ She said, scowling at the broken box that still littered the floor.

‘Yes’ he said, struggling with how best to explain his upcoming absence.

‘Is this about yesterday? She’s already forgotten about it you know.’

‘No, no. I need to let you know that I am to resume taking Lyrium. It has been a while so I have decided to take a vigil first, that means I won't be available for my usual visit with Minnie.’

Kat looked shocked but her tone was filled with worry.

‘Why, are you going to the front lines?’ She closed the door behind her and approached him with a furrowed brow ‘I heard about Adamant, will there be more demons?’

‘Not at present although I would be naive to think there won’t be more battles to come. This is a personal decision.’ Now she looked confused.

‘My withdrawals have become unmanageable and so…’ he broke for a sigh ‘I think this is the best way.’

‘No’

Cullen blinked ‘I’m sorry?’

‘No, you aren’t going to resume taking Lyrium I forbid it.’

‘Maker’s Breath Kat. It is an order from the Inquisitor you can’t ‘forbid it’’

Kat’s eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t care! Lady Trevelyan didn't know you in Kirkwall. You were focused yes, but at the same time you were always just a little distant.’ She looked away briefly, no doubt she was thinking about how he pushed her away, fool that he was. ‘You leaving the order and Lyrium behind is important. When you told me that night at the winter palace… well it signaled to me that you were finally ready for a family. Ready to be in Minnie’s life and so I refuse to let you resume taking it’

‘Kat, it is an order’ Cullen said exasperated, his brow clammy as the fever wrecked his body, even this conversation was putting a strain on him and he began to feel sickly and faint.

She looked thoughtful and stepped closer, studying his face closely as she asked ‘Is this what  _ you _ want?’

Cullen sighed, he didn't want to lie to her. The last time he did they were separated for four years,  _ never again _ . ‘No, but I must’ he said softly.

‘Okay’ She said plucking the vial from his fingers and eyeing the blue liquid curiously.

‘And if the Inquisitor ordered me to start taking Lyrium should I?’ At her hypothetical question a surge of panic rushed over him. Whether it was from her snatching his Lyrium away or the thought of Kat broken and begging for another drop of the substance, his weakness and was replaced with reflexive strength.

Angrily he snatched the vial back from her hand and snarled ‘Over my dead body will you touch that poison!’ 

Kat scoffed, unimpressed and folded her arms ‘Why not? You've said it makes you stronger, faster, more focused-’ 

‘It eats your  _ mind _ , how would you feel if you knew that in twenty years you wouldn't remember your own daughter?’

‘How would you?!’ she snapped back, stunning him to silence.

‘I-’ 

‘I-’ With a groan his anger dissipated and Cullen cradled his head in has hands.

‘How can you ask me that!’

A small pressure, her hand on his shoulder grounded him

Whimpering through his piercing headache he spoke. ‘I can’t bear the thought of forgetting her, or you. But I can’t endure this-’

‘You can’ she said resolutely. Pulling his hands from his hair and encasing them in her own soft hands. 

‘You will.’ she spoke so assuredly, bringing one hand up to her lips to press a small kiss to it. 

Cullen felt his eyes well up at the intimacy and overwhelming swell of support he felt at her actions and words.

‘Katherine’ he sobbed and pulled her into his arms.

Whispering, filled with shame even now he confessed ‘it hurts when i’m awake, when i sleep i’m tormented...’

‘I know Cullen. But you are the strongest man I know and you will beat this. Don’t give up, not like my Father did.’

He didn't know how long they stood there wrapped up in each others arms. Eventually she urged him to take some rest and he was too weary to care.

Settling him down she spoke ‘I know it’s been a hard for you. But now you have something worth remembering. Now you don’t have to fight alone anymore’

Cullen wept at her kindness. At her understanding in the face of his fragility.

With a smile she spoke ‘Do you remember when we were eight. That squadron came through the town and you were determined to become a templar. You spent the next ten years training everyday. First with sticks, then at your academy and the circle. Ten years.’

Cullen was reminded of home, of his lake,  _ their _ lake. 

‘It took you ten years to achieve your goal. You’ve only been off lyrium one. Give it time. If you want this as much as you did joining the order back then I just know you will beat this.’

Her faith was overwhelming. With the quietly sung lullaby filling his room he was lulled to sleep.

\---

‘You stayed?’

‘Yes’

‘Minnie-’

‘Is fine, now shh’

‘You don’t have to do this’ 

‘Perhaps not, but I didn't live with Annie my whole life and not pick up a few things.’

Cullen hummed as the cooling cloth was dabbed over his body. The light breeze from his roof chilling the few droplets of water that remained on his skin.

‘Now. You get some rest and I promise you will be back on your grumpy feet in no time’

‘I am not grumpy’

‘Of course you aren't’ She pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

It was the first of many as Katherine spent the next two days nursing him.

When he could sit up in bed she brought up a couple of reports for him to read, not realizing that her journal was still tucked up with them. Eagerly Cullen set his reports aside and opened the entry he had last looked at.

_ I dreamt about you last night. My dreams have been so much more vivid recently; I imagine this is what being a mage is like when they dream in the fade. I woke after a particularly…colorful dream, I was annoyed for a moment but then I felt the most wonderful sensation. Like a butterfly trapped in my abdomen, a few tiny kicks and wriggles as the babe got comfy... _

_ At first I was so relieved to have had the quickening. However now our child has started kicking they won’t stop, wriggling all night till I feel as if my insides are knotted. If it is a girl she shall certainly be a dancer like me, if it is a boy they are going to be incredibly hyperactive I am sure. _

<strike> _ I hope for a girl _ </strike> _ <strike>.</strike> A boy would be best. They have more opportunities, more distractions and chances for employment. <strike>They are less likely to suffer disappointment...</strike> _

<strike> _ My breasts have gotten enormous, and sore.  _ _ You would be delighted, although you always insisted that they were perfect as they were. Maker I miss your backrubs. _ </strike> _ The pregnancy is progressing as expected. _

_ I have started bathing every day without fail. It’s the only thing that eases the aches in my back and pelvis. Although I feel like a beached whale when I do. One of your sisters has to help me in and out, it’s embarrassing to be this feeble but they assure me that relying on others takes strength too. _

‘Relying on others takes strength too.’ Cullen said aloud. Contemplating on the words with a clear mind, mended heart and ever strengthening body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Things are going to get saucy ;)


	29. The Renewal*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
I'm sorry it has taken so long to get an update out for you all, writers block hit hard. I've honestly never had such a lack of self confidence in my own work. But I'm back!  
I have done a short supplemental over on my tumblr that you should try to read along side this chapter if possible, just adds another side to the story that we otherwise won't see.  
https://kemvee.tumblr.com/post/616815367793311744/annie-through-the-eyes-of-anders
> 
> \----
> 
> CW: NSFW (at last)

_ Cullen POV _

The Inquisitor had been irritated when he told the convened War Council of his decision to remain off Lyrium.

‘I thought you had decided to follow my advice and resume taking it?’ she said stiffly.

‘I had, but when the time came I found I had some strength left-’  _ Strength I’ve borrowed from Kat _ he added silently, her time and care had given his body the chance to overcome the last severe wave ‘-and so for now I will persevere.’

Trevelyan frowned and opened her mouth to protest but Cassandra spoke up, quick to support him. ‘I shall continue to monitor your progress but I am pleased you have decided to remain on this path my friend.’ she patted his shoulder in solidarity, the Seeker had always been the most ardent advocate of his trial.

‘It’s a little irresponsible’ the Inquisitor said petulantly. Her respect for Cassandra as a Seeker and the former Right Hand of the Divine meant that she never openly disagreed with the woman. So trying a different tact she turned to the Spymaster. ‘Leliana, surely  _ you _ understand necessity. Don’t you think he should be at his best? The entirety of the Inquisition is at stake if our general is compromised.’

‘I do’ Leliana replied somberly.

The Inquisitor threw her hands up with an exasperated ‘ _ Thank you! _ ’ and a smug grin crossed her features, but her victory was short lived as Leliana continued.

‘However back in Haven the decision was made to recruit the Templars above the Mages, doing so has provided us with certain challenges. You recall our difficulties early on in securing enough Lyrium? Not only has this meant procuring supplies through  _ less _ than legal means we still rely on the Chantry for the bulk of our stores.’ Leliana paused and fixed the Inquisitor with an icy stare ‘Though the Inquisition was formed by the late Divine and some ties to the Chantry are unavoidable it is vital that as an Organisation we are not beholden to it.’

Now the taciturn Spymaster turned to him with a small smile.

‘If the Commander is able to quit his addiction then it would be a decisive curb of the Chantry’s influence.’

The Inquisitor looked less than pleased at this suggestion, her family's piety and ties to the Chantry were well known.  _ Please don’t order me to take it _ Cullen silently begged. He didn't want to defy their leader but as he had done with Meredith four years ago he knew he would act with his conscience should it come to that.

Joesphine who had remained quiet until that point now chimed up flourishing her quill as she did. ‘I can ensure it is leaked, discreetly of course. Not only will it explain his recent absence but it will give a huge boost to morale.  _ Our Commander _ , the victor at Adamant even without Lyrium. Imagine what that could mean for other moderate Templar's who have not yet joined our ranks, or those within the Inquisition fearful about what comes next’ she buzzed with excitement as she noted her ideas about how to romanticize his plight. 

And despite himself Cullen smiled at the notion. He was doing this for himself first, his daughter second but the appeal of giving hope to other brothers and sisters of the order who had felt abandoned was a strong inducement.

Sensing that she had no allies the Inquisitor huffed ‘I-I suppose’. As her shoulders slumped in defeat, Cullen knew that it would be the last time Lyrium was ever mentioned between them.

\---

That evening Cullen sat in contemplation on his bed having shed his armor for the day. He had to thank Kat. There could be no doubt that without her support his conviction would have wavered. He was still unsure about their relationship going forward although the ever heated glances and lingering press of her hand on his arm when she came to collect Minnie after a day in his care seemed like encouragement. Gift giving seemed like the next logical step not only to express his gratitude but also indicate his desires for a return to their romance.

What did his Lady, if he could be bold enough to think of her as such, yearn for?

Minnie was simple, she wanted to be a ‘Princess Knight’  _ no doubt Cassandra’s influence _ he thought smirking. And so carved wooden soldiers or a colourful hair comb was always well received. Sat on top of his dresser, still in it’s paper from the tailors, was a cloak he had just ordered for her. Crimson trimmed with gold thread and topped with the same russet fair that adorned his own mantle, his daughter would love it  _ but what does Kat want?  _ He tapped his temple in thought.

In their interactions she always seemed content and never asked him for money or goods.

He made discrete inquiries at the traders stall to no avail, there had been no piece of jewelry she had been fawning over or richly lined robes she had admired. 

_ Maybe her journal will have clues? _ He supposed, lifting the book from his bedside table where it had pride of place. Her writings in it had been surprisingly forthright and unashamedly honest. When Cullen reviewed the pages in the quiet hours of the night he felt a familiar closeness to her. It echoed the intimacy they shared on their lazy Kirkwall mornings when he was sure no two people had ever been more in love than they.

Eager to feel that connection once more he opened the page on where he had left off.

  
  


_ Contractions have started, not frequently, but it’s a sign that the babe will soon be born. Annie has asked me again to write to you, she thinks you should be here for the birth.  _ _ Maybe I should, would you - _

_ I cannot. If I wrote to you now, and you refused to come I feel my heart would lose all its courage. I’m putting on a brave face for Annie and the rest of the family as I have always done, but I don’t mind telling you seeing as I don't know if you will ever even read this… I am terrified. _

He stroked the words with his fingers. She had been scared. And although not alone, her lifelong role as older sister and caregiver had prevented her from expressing her true feelings except on paper. It was heartbreaking to read. But even if he had known... recalling the chaos Kirkwall was in that year following the Chantry explosion could he have attended? Could he have neglected his vows to protect without feeling shame for the rest of his days? He would never know. Kat had taken that choice from him and whether rightly or wrongly had spared him an impossible decision.

_ The contractions have started proper now. Andraste it is painful! We have sent for the midwife and sent Branson and his boy away from the house. I’ll write again once I’m able, wish me luck! _

_ Luck? _ Cullen paused to check the familiar weight in his inner pocket. His coin was still there, safe. He had told Katherine about it years ago and she had just kissed him and said that she had always known he was secretly sentimental. With that recollection would she understand what it meant if he gave her the coin? It was something to think on, he knew reading her journal would help him. It always did. 

His brow furrowed as he noted the entry stopped there and a few blank pages unexpectedly appeared as he urgently flicked forwards.

The next entry was in a familiar hand and Cullen couldn’t absorb the words fast enough.

  
  


_ Cullen,  _

_ Katherine is unable to write. I won’t pry further into this Journal but you should know that the labor is not progressing well. She has been in agony for three days now and the midwife fears we will soon have to make a difficult choice. Annie has run into town to fetch the surgeon. _

_ Whatever we decide, whatever happens, you mustn’t blame her. She has fought so hard to give life to your child. She kept asking for you right up until she lost consciousness. I am certain she loved you very much. _

_ Maker watch over her and the little one. _

_ Mia _

Cullen’s eyes widened as he stared unblinking at the page. Urgently he skipped ahead, there were another two blank pages and the next entry was one line. In Kat’s own hand but scrawled and weak compared to her normally confident cursive.

_ You have a daughter. _

Cullen read and re-read the last entries. What had happened? His eyes almost burned with tears as he flicked ahead, but could see nothing tangible among her complaints of the early days.  _ They called for a surgeon, Mia invoked the Maker. _

Yet Kat and Minnie were both alive, well and in this very castle he reassured himself. Still he found after a moment's calm reflection that he needed to check each blank page again in turn, feeling agitated and restless at this apparent oversight at such a critical time.

He had to know.

He wasn’t due to spend the night today but Kat had always said he could call at any time. He pocketed the journal, draped his mantle around his unarmored shoulders and hastily slipped on his boots as he sped out into the moonlight dappled night.

It was all he could do not to run as he darted across the long stone bridge that connected his tower to the main keep. By now people were used to his brisk stride and terse acknowledgements as he went about his day. Yet even by his standards he felt rude as he ignored his soldiers that stood to attention, not thanking them for opening the doors ahead of him. 

Without pausing to knock he barreled into Kat’s quarters ‘The night Minnie was born wha-’ 

His words died on his tongue as he presented with sight of Kat’s completely nude body. Her back may have been to him but that didn't stop the heat from rising to his face just as the steam rose from her bathwater. 

‘CULLEN!’ Kat shrieked as she dropped back into the copper bath she had just been preparing to vacate. The splashing droplets and aromatic spray not doing enough to hide her shocked face as she stared at him incredulously over her shoulder.

Cullen stood slack jawed and wide eyed. The sight of her now irrevocably seared onto his soul _ naked, wet and so breathtakingly beautiful _ . Suddenly the chamber door bounced on its hinges from the force of his entry and slammed shut behind him. The loud interruption pulled him from his thoughts and he covered his eyes at once.

‘Maker I am so - so sorry!!’ He stammered out, his cheeks burning with a mix of shame and lust, the feeling of being a voyeur not sitting comfortable with his sensibilities at all.

Kat with more presence of mind than him was able to speak somewhat calmly. ‘I-I was just about done anyway, give me a moment.’

‘Yes, of course.’ He turned and faced the door like a scolded schoolboy. His fists balling by his sides as he heard her rise from the water once more, the drip drip as droplets fell from her wet hair that for the first time he had noted had grown quite long in his absence. 

He squeezed his eyes shut. But all he could picture was the sight of her glistening back and saintly curves as the water ran sparkling rivulets across her body and down her long legs. He could only imagine how the image must be mirrored across her front...his breeches were suddenly feeling rather tight.

After what felt like an age she cleared her throat as permission for him to turn back around.

He felt parched at the vision of her. She was wearing a simple white cotton robe, belted around her waist and with large loose sleeves. But the fabric around her torso was pulled  _ tight _ accentuating her more shapely figure, changed since she had birthed their daughter. Even more alluring was the way her wet hair, swept as it was over one shoulder, was beginning to make the thin fabric turn transparent. He was all but mesmerized as she strode about the room adding a few more candles to light and wholly unaware of Cullen’s inner turmoil.

‘Now, what’s all this urgency about? Annie is asleep so if you want to see her you will need to wait till tomorrow.’ She said pointing to the closed door of their child's little side chamber.

With effort he tore his eyes away from the peak of her nipples and ignoring the dryness in his throat and unhelpful stirring in his loins rasped out ‘No, I came to see you.’

‘Why?’ She looked surprised but not unhappy despite his rash entrance. 

_ The Journal _ he chided himself and with shaking hands opened up the leather bound book on Mia’s message. 

‘Katherine,’ he twisted the book to show her his sister’s alarming entry. ‘What happened?’

She pursed her lips and folded her arms over her chest, he had to fight to keep his eyes away from the slither of skin that was exposed along the expanse of her thigh ‘It wasn’t clear?’

‘No’

Kat looked thoughtful and considered her words for a full ten seconds ‘Well…’ her hands moved to the belt of her gown and she started to loosen it. Sweeping back the layered cotton around her legs and midriff while keeping her chest concealed.

‘What are you-’

‘See’ she interrupted his confused utterance and stepped closer to him. Cullen’s eyes were drawn to a long mostly silvered scar that rang along the breadth of her lower abdomen, just above where the waistband of her pristine white smalls finished. ‘Does that answer your question?’

Now he understood although he wished he didn't. He had heard of such things as a very last resort, the mother rarely survived.

Stepping closer still he studied Kat’s still averted eyes warily ‘How, how are you not dead?’

‘I don’t think I can tell you.’ She said feebly pulling her robe closed and re-belting it tightly.

‘Please’

‘Don’t ask this of me. I stayed with you those nights you were ill… And I remember how you reacted the first time you saw me perform.’

Cullen’s brow furrowed ‘What has that to do with it?’

With sad eyes she raised her hand to his stubbled cheek, holding it tenderly ‘You fear magic. I wouldn't want you to think I’m tainted.’

He placed his hand over hers and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. ‘Kat tell me’ he urged.

And so she did.

About how Annie had ran into an old friend on the way to fetch the surgeon and his monstrous tools. An acquaintance Cullen would rather forget and one whom given the chance he would have run through years ago.  _ Anders _ . The Maker  _ had _ to have had a hand in it, how else could it have occurred in such a fashion? The chance meeting of one of the only people in Thedas who could have performed the ever increasingly rare spirit healing and the only sisters he would have risked exiting his concealment for.

Shaking his head he pushed the complicated thoughts, old resentment and new gratitude to one side for reflection on another day. For now the love of his life was looking downcast, fearful that he would push her away again.

_ Never again _ .

They were already standing so close it was nothing to inch forwards and pull her into his arms. Her damp hair soaked into his shirt but he couldn't care less as her somewhat stiff and near trembling form began to soften in his arms. He would hold her till the end of time if she would let him.

‘Thank you’ he breathed, squeezing her tightly when words were so insufficient.

‘Thank you, thank you, thank you’ he chanted as he peppered kisses against her hair and temple, relishing her exquisite scent and lavender soap.

‘Thank you for looking after her. For birthing her and caring for her when I could not, when I would not have –‘

‘This is unnecessary’ she murmured even as she relaxed further into his embrace, her arms holding fast to him for support.

Pulling back Cullen looked down on her flushed face, dazed eyes and parted lips. She glanced upwards shyly, her fingers that had bunched into his shirt tugged lightly with an unspoken invitation. Cullen tilted his head down towards hers whispering as he did ‘It is necessary. In fact it is long overdue Kat I –‘ 

He hesitated just before their lips could touch. Pressing his forehead to hers he tried to still his racing heart. He had to say this first.

‘I have been reflecting on our time in Kirkwall.’

‘Oh?’ She replied while nuzzling closer towards his face, her soft breaths ghosting over his skin were beginning to rob him of reason and he felt his half hard shaft stiffen more at her welcome nearness. 

‘I was so focused on taking back then. I used you as a shelter from the worries of the world and though those worries have changed and in some cases grown over the years I’m determined not to make the same mistake again.’

Now her eyes snapped open and she tried to step back fearful of his dismissal ‘What are you saying?’ 

He pulled one of her hands from around his back and drew it up to his lips.

‘I have changed, let me show you’ he said, pressing a firm but lingering kiss to her fingers.

‘Let me win you back’ he added, turning her hand and pressing another kiss to her palm, then her wrist. She hesitated as he trailed his lips slowly up the expanse of her arm, pusing only when the sleeve of her robe barred his way.

‘Don’t say that’ she whispered.

‘Why?’

‘Because I don’t believe you. Because you’ve made promises before and too many times you have left me disappointed and I can’t-’ She sighed and forced a smile ‘This can be uncomplicated. It may be better if it were...I could not recover a third time.’

If her words hurt him it was nothing compared to the pain she must have endured. His negligence of her had been foolish, abhorrent and he would never again permit him nor anyone else to treat her with such callousness _ . Never again _ . He repeated to himself and gently tilted her chin up with his fingers.

‘Katherine, I want complicated.’

With a tender featherlight brush of lips he at last kissed her. It was soft and delicate, little more than a tender caress but how the simple action burned him. Nothing had ever felt more right than having his love cocooned in his arms, soft breathy sighs being drawn from her as their kiss quickly became heated. As her pliable lips responded eagerly, so too did her hands. Urgently she pulled on the unfastened cloak draped across his shoulders, dropping it to the floor before tugging at the linen shirt beneath. He shed it quickly and encased her once more, the contrast of her warm body and cool hair electrifying the skin on his bare chest. Hungrily he swept his tongue across her lips and she parted them in open invitation. He surged forwards, tasting her sweetness and forcing her to take a step backward. 

‘You really do want me?’ She asked vulnerable and panting as he began to lick and nip down her throat, reveling in the taste of her soaped skin, hot and silken beneath his tongue.

‘More than life’ he breathed as his hands shifted from her back to begin an exploration of her tantalizing body. Cullen caressed over her covered curves, cupping and squeezing her breasts till she arched her back towards him. His willpower so recently tested with Lyrium was pulled on again as he trailed his fingers along the crossed over hem of her robe, but made no move to open it. There would be time to gorge himself on the sight of her completely nude later, now he had to show her he had changed.

The slow amble backwards had led them to the screened off bed and Kat’s eyes flicked open as her knees hit the top of the soft mattress.

He kissed her again fiercely this time saying as he sunk to his knees before her ‘Let me earn your trust.’

He kissed along her pink and silver scar the action drawing a gasp of surprise from Kat as she studied his adoration. ‘Cullen’ she whined as his hands slid up and down the expanse of her lean legs drawing gooseflesh in their wake. With a gentle push she fell back onto the mattress.

‘Let me seduce you’ he demanded as he picked up one of her heels. As he had done so with her arms earlier he kissed and nipped his way up from her ankle, past her knee to the soft flesh of her thigh. Pausing just as he neared her smalls and feeling encouraged at the little hitch in her breath.

He repeated the action on the other leg. This time as he reached her core he paused to peel her panties down from her hips, slowly exposing her glistening folds to his hungry gaze.

Shifting he pulled her legs up over his shoulders ‘Let me show you how giving I have become’ he said and waited. Kat gazed down at him with heavily lidded eyes, a shy nod was consent enough for him.

At once Cullen secured his lips over her clit and began to lavish attention on her pearl. Kat’s hips almost jolted from the bed at the sudden onslaught of sensation, her hands twisting the sheets beneath her as she fought to stifle her moans. Cullen was wholly unaware of her pleasured agony, too absorbed in her musk and flavor as he lapped at her seam like a man parched.

He felt beads of pre-cum leak from his tip and wet his breeches as he focused on the writhing and wriggling woman beneath his tongue. Pressing his hands down over her hips as he worked her, part from memory and part guided by the mewling cries that were filtering out into the quiet room.

‘Cullen!’ she moaned as he tested her entrance with his finger.  _ So wet _ he recognized and with only a little effort slid the digit home. Slowly he now coaxed her, his finger working within with long deep strokes against her sensitive inner spot. While his lips and tongue assaulted her heightened bundle of nerves. When her hands slid into his hair he knew she was close, chanting his names with utterances of  _ please, yes, more _ ! He added a second finger to test her walls further and with a scream she fractured beneath him. Her body arching like a bow as her whole body tensed around him, her cunt clenching just as her thighs did around his shoulders.

After Cullen stood and admired how she lay panting and sated on the bed. Her breasts were still covered, her hair splayed out behind her, her cheeks and lips a deep scarlet from her exertions. And although he wanted to peel back her final covering and bury himself wholly in her soaked heat he could abstain for one more day. This time he would woo her properly and in doing so unwrap her slowly like the finest Satalina gift.

‘Do you not want-’ she asked with a small furrow on her brow that he chased away with a kiss.‘I do. Maker knows I would love nothing more’ he said ardently. ‘But not tonight’ he clarified, encouraging her up to where the pillows were before sliding into the bed alongside her. He pressed his body along hers, bundling her up in his arms and relishing in the closeness. He was still rock hard but he could ignore it when there was something more important to focus on.

‘Tonight I just want to hold you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience and ongoing support.  
I love you all to bits and hope to get another update out to you soon. These kids need a wedding already!


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